Garlic ,Yeast and my vagina

 

(This is a report back on the status of my vagina and feelings of myself towards my vagina based on certain factors namely level of discomfort due to secretions/condition of the vagina and actual observable state of vagina regardless of discomfort or pleasure caused and smell general aura of vagina, including possible projections on all above mentioned factors, will influence how i feel about the vagina and can admittedly impact actual vagina feelings in the future..It will be descriptive and clear and detailed in nature)

Day 1

Initial discovery of Yeast infection

Status of vagina: lots of white, sort of yeasty smelly secretion, observable if finger is inserted inside vagina at also slight coverage of labia, burns when rubbed or over touched in compulsive cleaning..very moist, feels like i’m secreting cream.

Caused extreme discomfort and unease mainly because i was unsure about what to do, I’d been so careful about the pH balance of my poon since i already found out that my vagina is VERY sensitive to anything that will disrupt this balance and reacts accordingly, upset with myself for ‘forgeting’ about her, about me for a minute till she screamed at me with foam at her lips..

Future worries: no sex, that sucks, that it will hurt/burn when i pee, fear that my pussy wont be very much ‘fun’ in the next week excited at the possibility of getting to know her better, wondering and processing why i felt compelled to use fragrant soap/wipes ESP when i am/was single and not very sexually active.

Day 2

High discomfort, nothing done till evening

Inserted chemical capsule and used wipes that created INSTANT relief though not from feeling wet/moist like i was secreting cream cheese….

Not much thought otherwise

Day 3

Woke up not liking the oily residue of said inserted capsule

VERY emotionally upset about this whole thing for a number of reasons: I was not taking care of myself primarily, it just felt uncomfortable, don’t like wincing when urine passing through rubbed labia flesh, don’t like feeling compulsively dirty in my vagina and like i need to be CLEAN, trauma shit coincides wayyyy to conveniently. My vagina is not dirty, it does not need to clean, don’t like….

Decided to go without anything but water

Day 4

Enjoyed most of the day, watched felt, observed, smelt tasted said secretions…

Noticed it was less thick somehow or maybe it was just the capsule leaving finally, VERY ITCHY tough, burn burn cos i ignored the itch

Day 5

Decided to look into ‘home remedies’

Inserted a clove of garlic all day, felt like i cooked the garlic but it provided INSTANT relief without the burn/took away impulse to itch and sratch, therefore reducing burn, however heightened interest in the secretions like why they turn brown once out of the vagina, or in contact with garlic…not very moist either except deep in my vagina which seemed unimpacted by garlic…love the smell J

Had a garlicy meal, spent the night with a clove DEEP in my vagina..decided to change cloves regularly (3/day).

Evening out of curiousity crushed garlic lightly with a coffee mug and attempted to insert in vagina..GOOD LORD, horrible burn and pain…but it cleared all the skin of the white secretion almost instantly…stimulated instant painful pee…horrible yet i was glad i found out..DONT PUT CRUSHED GARLIC IN YOUR POON lol,

Feelin good about ppon, like i took charge..still loving the smell, though less noticeable to me now, regrettably so..Noticed that garlic appeared like it was slightly steamed…is that good/bad?

DAY 6

Sat at work ALL day with garlic up my poon

No worries at all, seems to be very effective, no issues with moisture/secretion except deep in my pussy.

Infact wondering about sex, Oh and garlic stays put while i pee etc.

Tonight will try 2 cloves.

more yeast

Interesting yeasty stuff..thoughts notes

BIRTHCONTROL: Apparently birth control weakens your immune system and something about the hormones and upsetting the balance of your poonani/pussy/vagina (from hereonin to be used interchangeably for the purposes of this blog) pH can produce thrush, also known as a proliferation of naturally occurring bacteria in the poon leading to a yeast invasion of said genital areas..question u fit get yeast for gnash?

Another thing, men can transmit yeast infections, since it really doesn’t affect them that much like HPV- Human papilloma virus, trust me you want to get that regular pap test (except for the telling moles/growths on the phallus..ignore to a perilous adventure with HPV ladies)… so any play including dry/wet humping which i especially enjoy means chances are increased..DAMN that is too bad.

For me, i think multiple partners/rapid changes in sexual rhythm is a big issue. I don’t think physically my pussy like dick, like the juices, latex, lube all that shit is too much for my pampered pussy..i use strictly pH neutral lotions and body washes to ensure that she always most comfortable. She spoiled.

So today i shove a clove of garlic up my poon, i;ve drank about 1.42L of cranberry cocktail couldn’t get my hands on the no sugar added stuff but i’ll make myself a smoothie when i get home. I’m sitting all day in my chair at my desk, in my little corner of the office and the garlic works, as in there’s a little itch, slight burning but there isn’t the additional moisture of pharmaceutical capsule (none of those getting a shout out on this hurr blog). In any case, no extra gunk, i like the herby/garlicy smell of my poon..its fragrant and i like pungent and intense in a light nice way…

I will try and track down the apple cider vinegar when i get home and do a douche of that apparently it works wonders and i like feeling my poon, alive and reacting, and reminding me its there..its nice. Now that i don’t bleed as much we don’t get intimate just chilling time anymore unless its sexual or hygiene related..but now almost every couple of hours my fingers are up in my poon. I think i’ll change the clove at the end of the day. I never realized how much i missed being connected to my poon.

DRY MOUTH, don’t let no body go down on you if they have dry mouth for REAL..apparently it causes an abundance of bacteria/thrush in their mouth easily transferrable to wherever they apply themselves orally. You feel me?  

Alright so from my quick google search here are the home remedy recommendations that i intend to explore to rid myself of this yeast:

Plain Yougurt: full of naturally occurring bacteria, without the artiifical sweeteners, sugar- to breed more bacteria for my poon

Apple cider vinegar: awesome for temporary soothing, MAKE SURE TO DILUTE..that shit will burn your pussy lips off

Garlic – just pretend Dracula has promised to visit your ass..shove it up your poon, you wont pussy ingest it (copyright detox), eat it if you can etc

Oil of Oregano – just cos that shit will kill everything and get you some naturally occurring fatty acids: SALMON here i come.

I’m gonna spend some time centreing me and my poon, we might do some fun activities, i’m gonna have to report back on that.

thats it for now…

Oh and i love my new job..no fucking joke

Oh another note: For the record: even though i used ‘fucked up’ language to talk about a yeast ‘invasion/infection/transmission’…i am fully present and aware of the fuckery rooted in ableism + repression of womens sexuality, fear of death/scientific western constructions of death/survival and of course ‘progress’…i don’t even want to start all this to stay the mutherfuckers/bitches who attempt to insinuate/remind me/perpetuate ANY kind of above mentioned narratives in my life..ma fire o…plus i really gotta remember that for myself. Not to mention the stigma associated with disease..

It might be fun to fuck but that might hurt a lil too much for my masochistic self..RIGHT…lol

Dont really expect anyone to get my self jokes

YEAST..lots of it

I broke the sex rule and the pussy gods and goddesses are punishing me SERIOUSLY i’ve been graced with a mean horribly fucking uncomfortable YEAST invasion of my poonani, i’m ridiculously irritated and i can’t even get tested not that i wasn’t safe..its just weird, its been a while since i had a FULL BLOWN yeast invasion of my vagina for the record I HATE IT. Now, i couldn’t even have sex if i wanted to, it hurts

dear diary 2

Its been super as in ultra busy, so busy, i don’t even know when/how i’m waking/sleeping eating ..i’m looking at myself in wonderment and hoping my body doesn’t give, increased tired equals increased miserability equals increased desire to consume since i aint really one for emotional eating unless a desire for MEAT as in steak counts then i spend all my money on stupid things like clothes for instance..jokes

Its 5:30 on a Friday night and what am I doing on the Friday night that marks the beginning of pride 2009? I am at the library working I just started my new job and already I’m working overtime, I feel mixed ways about it, I’m there calculating every hour I work, cant believe I just accepted the first pay they gave me without negotiating with them. At the same time i’m realizing that NOT everyone can do what i’m doing and thats why they are so freaking backlogged and i’m working REAL hard for what they’re offering but still…its good enough to pay the rent and land me in Nigeria by December…LOL. Who would have thought?? Assuming I curb my ridiculous spending habits and stop lusting after hermes purses, all things leather, REAL gold and shit…

Its pride and I’ve got fatphobia on my mind, the fact I created something this year, I do every year and that I should freaking just finish my undergrad course requirements and move on with my life. I’m thinking life is good in a bitter way. I’m feeling very very mournful of loved ones, friendships that i held dear but somehow my emotional/social landscape if you will is changing drastically.

Its PRIDE and this year, I don’t feel the exciteMENT, no hype or HYPERment either I don’t feel anything besides resenting that I have to go to parties and be well dressed cos eVERYONE will be out, the music will not be any better, I’ve got no bullshit agenda to deceive myself with and tell myself that I’m better than anyone so it aint fun. I’m just not that passionate about the whole thing. The contact I got specifically for pride, that came fREE lost, it sucks..looking to languishing in the heat and walking up and down though, that part is ALWAYS fun.

This year I aint fucking hiding from NOONE, I see you, don’t like you,I keep walking, don’t want to deal, I keep walking, if i think you’ve been especially harmful/hurtful to me i fucking cross the mofo street, no smiles unnecessarily, no pretending like a give a remote fuck…it will be good for me in that way to hold my own for sho…getting grown, we getting grown.

Library closed…gotta go

dear diary intro

I think I’m going to start naming my “random thoughts” post as dear diary for the days when I just want to post stream of consciousness type stuff about my day/week without thinking about any particular issue.

So my day, I woke up feeling ill, more ill than usual I mean along with the headache I was gassy and my stomach hurt BAD so I took my time, I’m in this weird place where I’m ACTUALLY excited to get up and go, because I feel like I have so much to do that I actually want to do like find time to get my lovely cat better food, toys furniture, apply for job, push out some $$ application, think of projects that I might want to do, write leters to my brothers and sisters back home, take a walk…cook, grocery shopping for fresh veggies, that one has been on the list of things to do for like a month. Then there is the feeling of exhaustion and my body sometimes literally reminding me that I need to take care, I need to pace myself..i’ve gotten ill in the last year and didn’t produce like an ablebodied person read failed in my world of internalized ableism and that is a success, I let myself move at my pace….thats damn good and I got a lot of shit done in the last year take my move for one instance J

Anyways this morning instead of freaking out as I usually do, I just took an extra hour was a little late for class, left the pile of clothes that have been sitting on my bedroom floor since I returned from my trvals on my bday and went to class. I felt like somehome I’m more in control of myself, my body, what it need, I know when I just a little more time…now all I gotta do is communicate WHICH is exactly why I get pissed PISSEd when I do finally communicate and I’m not heard/made to feel like I’m not heard etc. But then again I guess most ppl experience that.

I started most of my research for my paper, technically my last paper for my undergrad degree and I graduate as a fairly accomplished degree holder, disability or NOT J yes that is my supercrip PRIDE….

I feel like a grateful gimp, glad that I’ve been held up, pushed and supported throughout my six years by a FEW. That’s good enough for me.

Its 10:25pm, they’re announcing that the building closes in 30 minutes…I’m going home to my cat, my desktop to keep trying to write this paper, some food no wine even though I’m already chilling one in preparation for Thursday when I hand this shit and start torturous process number two grad school followed in quick succession by PHD and then will I stop going to school? Maybe a second degree or to make my dad happy I’ll go to law school, LOL

Oh yeah report back on FUCKERy and silencing in the classroom fucking racialized prof asks if immigrants do better in canada? White people are ALL like yES, we have no slavery I’m like WOW bitches ….we ALL know there was slavery in canada, how can you be teaching a class on racism and ethnicity and attempt to deny and erase the fact of SLAVERY in Canada..i was flabbergastedly and magnanonimously unequivocally horrified and damn…my feelings were just hurt. I actually liked her, not any more dude, not any more…damn HISTORY ppl; check africville, Canada was a fucking segregated society in fact, her denial of this fact until she was checked by yours truly diminished u of t prestige..LOL I told yall I was a neoliberal at heart..No joke homie, clearly I’m tired

kon:ect (individual choices, social interactions, values and worth in a neoliberal context)

A LOT of fucked UP, shit has been happening to me, right along side the more “positive” (in quotes because i hate that fucking binary of positive and negative and the ways that it is used to easily reinforce and maintain domination of certain bodies.) I’m presently enjoying a relative easier, supposedly more stable life, my career and some of the time i’ve put in appear to be laying themselves concretely in the direction of forward movement, by forward movement i DO mean the unmistable move on my part to accrue access and privilege, i DO mean in tewrms of the neoliberal definition of profit, in cold hard cash/credit and progress in terms of human values as worth only what they can “produce”/ own in terms of thier private property in turn protected by the state.

From talking recently quite a fair bit to academics, budding and otherwise as in PHD/master students and professors wjom are either simultaneously studying and producing research in the field of the so called radical left: there is no alternative to neoliberalism not just as an economic system but as a way cultural framework for uderstanding our selves as humans and our value, net worth and how it manifests (see arguments of the african/black man’s worth pre/postcolonial time or even women aka suffragette mvmt) and so i find it HARD to believe in a fucking left, in practise and otherwise as in ideologically.

Anyways point is, among these folks who i would dare call esteemed colleages, there appears to be a general consensus that people have just sat on thier fucking asses since the times of MARx and either have not created, have not been theoretically supported to do this but have not been scholartiscally taken up the question?? the big big money question of the alternative  concrete and viable alternatives to  neoliberalism. Now that would be sexy, make my clit hard and intellectual and otherwise juices  flowing, besides of course the “variation of a hippie commune”:  no insult meant to folks who attempt to build fairly isolated, seperatist inclination therefore arrogant and self aggrandizing prone to authoritanism of ALL sorts, unchecked and a rampant self defeating use of power. If you ever wanted to know about what i think of the communities i’ve ever been a part off, there’s your answer well most of it, just add the it was an affirmation in the possibility and uses of struggle, resistance is neccessary and not futile and the power of a dream, not to sound like Dr king (check that boondocks episode where king wakes up from a coma..hilarious )

Common every shit has been happening, people affirming and pointing out my insecurities in an effort to 1) justify thier choices and actions that THEY not i have trouble legitimizes to themselves, thier social constructions of themselves and the careers based on said believed social constructions of themselves. 2) compete and undermine my OWN construction of self which somehow and ridiculously to me threaten them: put me in my place, when i’m NOT a good and grateful disabled girl..while all at the same time 3) trying to convince me that i need to maintain my links, position, social links and networks to them for the sake of said individual social constructions of selves towards end goal of neolibral progress while perpretrating as fucking My allies, helpers, friends..

Cases/proof/evidence/methodology

healthy fear and sckeptism of any people acting in so called good will or kindness where we’re talking about professions, ambitions, carreers, this is the market place, a competition a fierce one at that, scarcity mentality running in FULL GEAR…i try to be alert, and expect that there will be consistent and clear attacks of my credibility, “expertise”, know how, friendability, niceness, easy to be aroundability, employability and ability to be a good well position but moving independently towards her own goals so that  EVERYONE  is happy and glad to have her around though saddened and yet strangely inspired  by her bravery and  courage in the face of all the horror  she’s  survived.

I FEEL like i’m losing touch, like i’m going slightly mad, like i’m going quietly quietly mad, I feel paraNOID as fuck given the way that privilege and power on the domination axis operates..i loke at people, thier actions, thier words, the toxic fucking smiles, the manuering to constantly centre themselves and body narratives while pretending like they are not, or feigning guilt, apology and it manifests in my stomach i feel nauseated, my head wants to explode from the front and i feel COLD, chills down my spine everything kind of slows down and refocuses to the particular instant that i’m positive, convinced, clear about what i’m seeing, hearing, understanding and starting to believe wholehearted and i want to scream , to hide away, to look away and I CAN’T.

All the people fucking me over and out have meant that i must heed the warning, feel my instinct without fear and believe, stare and look indeed at the “HORROr” but my heart in shards, hardened and softened, with sore soft spot and my fragile, painstakingly lovingless, harshly, desperately self image as worthy of love, respect, life as HUMAN can barely survive for they mirror my innermost fears, desires, inclinations..that which i struggle with desperately, fighting daily in those moment seem be injected with a full lease on life..for i’m left feeling like a hopeless, useless, solitary idealist who has ALREADY compromised on her own ideals and has LITERALLY nothing to hold on to but two very very shaky and questionable lessons

a) a dream is raw power, power from which to struggle and struggle PAYS, if nothing else for self worth and growth and i KNOW i have nothing if i dont have myself. I will not die a lonely heartbroken rich woman, respected by all and admired by all or a few EXCEPT myself. I want to be held lovingly trustfully in love and hope and faith because i am a brilliant being. period

b) hope is precious, hope is worth fighting for.

Examples ofthe fuckery, disabled pprofessor giving disabled students F refusing to recognize power imbalance stating that his accomodations were not into account, disabled person made to feel too difficult for friendship/love because of the body she loves in, because of the body she loves. I dont know where to start TOday. it still hurts too much to tell.

How do i survive?

How do i NOT play the games?

How do i refuse to partcipate and fight for myself WITHOUT revenge?

Is there a diffrence between self defense and REvenge

When do i let it go?

will i ever EVER let it go?

How do i shake the feeling, like a soundtrack in my head that they are RIGHT? how i reject it? with integrity  and look and feel good while i’m at it?

Is any of this possible?

Maybe they are right and its just a pipe dream that i will be LOVED.

thoughts on masturbation

 

Its been almost two months since i’ve had sex, understand: I used to fuck guaranteed EVEry three maximum for days and at worst once a week but that was RARE and i usually made it for it the next week. Also oNe session must involve at least two – three successful rounds. THats me, those are my expectations. that has been my life and sexual rythmn for a long time i’m talking like since 2002, single in a relationship don’t matter and i’ve been known to do some things like cruise who i want to fuck or ask them straight up stranger or not, to maintain my rythmn. Sex has been a definite constant and sure banker in my life for this reason. As an aside it dont matter, fat or skinny…pussy is pussy but if you want to lock that dick down princess style then you gotta be more i performing good girl i’m a virgin princess that can play house with you behind a white picket fence that is NOT my thing. not cool not down in fact more and more i’m realizing right down to my core, I AM SO against heterosexuality and ALL of its fucking manifestations this means that i have a distinct fucking aversion, non commitment to anything that resembles a performance of said heteronormativity that i think it is FUCKING CRUCIAL for me to not be married, in a monogamous arrangement to a straight man bio or not it a picket fence house contributing oppressive, genocidal western global trends of neoliberalism if i have a true religion this is it. IT aint gonna be me, if i DO NOT achieve anything else in my life, LEt my life be a testament against heteronormativy.

Back to Masturbation, In anycase the sex i have, the kind of sex i have have become a personal project of exploration making sure that i am NOT a sexually repressed female, who dont own her pussy, left right and center and know exactly how to please herself, how to make herself cum, has resulted in some attachments to certain individuals cos sexual chemistry requires in my book familiarity, practise to know who, and what you’re working with..and i was not completely closed off to possibilities with theses individuals like jack for instance but i have remain VERY clear that sex, straight up fucking is the basis of our relationship and so for that reason my other needs, that ensure compatibility etc i have overlooked in favor of having one need thoroughly satis fied, this however does not mean that i will forget, or disregard my desire for other desires in a relationship like feeling supported, if my keys get lost i should be able to go over to my mans house and chill…if i have a place my man, should have a place, damn a romantic dinner once in a while, a book reading, gallery etc thats the kind of partner i want. I know this

So there was a time in my life where i was sOOOOO fixated on dick, fingers, tongues aka sex as intimacy, instead i had non codependent friends, i wasn’t lonely, i got shit done as in DONE, true i wasn’t ill but also i masturbated a lot and it felt good. twice i’ve been in the head space, the first time was after leaving my first engagement and  now and  other was highschool (highschool doesnt really count i was sexually repressed and desperate for attention)

The first time i got a rabbit and used it and i squirted. I was delighted, I am now a squirter, so recently i’ve ben exploring my sexual fantasy life, playing with control stuff trying to fucking go where I REALLY want to go like daddy scenarios and other submissive roles that i have not permitted myself to be fully present and consent to but incite.

Anyways yesterday i put in my favorite porn, its black booty sumthing, the idea of non anorexic mainstream desire gets my wet instantly so there i was, the day before pete had come by to “check up on me” but told me he could only chill for three hours, now pete is in the business of hussling people for real, everyone from his parents to his wife to himself I KNOW this but damn he’s a good fuck. This nigga will have my fat ass in a pretzel, lick me from head to toe and i’m talking all orifices, hes down for WHATEVER, hes not afraid of his sexuality AT all and thats rare in a hetero man, and he can be tenderly dominant as in whispering sweet dirty nothings into my ear which he’s bend ing me over and forcing me against the wall till my head is hitting the wall slightly with each thrust….thats pete. Our next appt was supposed to be one where i tie him up and have my way with him in ANY I REPEAT ANY way i desired for 2 hours…safe words in place of course that was back in april before he ditched my ass and left the country, before he took me to HIS promised shopping trip that i wasn’t expecting but was totally dismayed that he felt it neccessary to lie knowing he was lieing.

So yeah he showed up talking bout “check in on me” so i greeted him fully clothed jeans WITH belt and a dress on top, everything lock up. He tried, i was dripping wet by the time he left but i couldn’t do. I actually didnt want to fuck him and i think that i did i would have hated it and him and myself but i WAS turned on BAD. Before i didnt know the diffrence and thats the truth, the diffrence between being turned on and wanting to fuck someone, now i’m CLEAR there is a big diffrence. I fucked a lot of people cos i didnt care to know the diffrence.

So i’m watching black booty with real sized women and there’s some real lezbo lol…cant believe i just said lezbo anyways i know fake lesbian action for the benefit of men from the real deal is like night and day and i’m coming, like three times. The rabbit broke from umm overuse…so all i’ve got are dildo’s, which i never use on myself there are more for your partner while i feel vibrators are more for better use especially me, vibrator can do a bunch of things speed up, stimulate your clit, while twisting and twirling inside your pussy with studs for your vagina walls ALL at a pace, rythmn set by you..its heaven, if your a control person, as in if the pace of your partner can set you off, which it does for me, i can be at the brink and never reach orgasm unless i’m at my happy pace..which one must negotiate with thier partner unless he/she is intuitive no issue with a good vibrator though, you set it and you go. 

Anyways i’ve just been using my fingers on my clit no penetration but i really wanted a penetration orgasm so in desperation i grabbed the dildo and went at a combination pace, alternating between shallow quick thrusts interspersed  with deep  full hard thrust and teasing barely in thrusts..my favorite surebanker moves combined and for the first time in my LIFE i squirted all over the fucking place….ejaculation…intense.

It brought tears to my eyes, it was lovely

detox contd’ processing hubby fuckery

So ode and total MUMU like me i was SERIOUSLY talking to the ex husband. Jack was/is gone thanks to my intimacy/daddy/patriachy issues and problematics but thats another story.

I caNNOT believe this mutherfucker as in SERIOUSSSSLY FUCK that. I’m so done DONE DONE DONE, done fucking DONE. OK let me use my words.

Over the last couple of weeks, long before i cooled things off for good with jack, sort of (i have a hard time letting things go..) we were having civil conversations and i was reckoning with the fact that no he can never love me like i want to be loved, we can never work it out romantically speaking but MAYBe we can find a way to be in each other lives..somewhere along the line it turned sexual, as we start reminscing together about how we much we want to fuck each other, i wasn’t fucking anyone so i’m like cool, i’m down still not into fucking anymore.

Mutherfucker without asking me out again, without addressing ANY, I REPEAT NONE of the fundamental issues we had like oh i don’t know fucking distrust over money, asking me to fucking pretend like i dont want to lick pussy ever again in my life or helping me out as in actually being suppportive, returning the shot that you took from ME, blaming me for the fucking choices that YOU made as a grown ass mutherfucking man….thinks that we are back together NOT only that actually fucking expects me to behave like my pussy belongs to him without purchasing, asking, claiming it in ANY real way if we are going to be that fucking crude and we are so i’m like HELL to the FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

NOw asshole i’m PIssed. Fuck off. No more. Not this time and of course returns to his usual manipulative trying to make me feel like like a slut, or like its a bad thing for a grown ass woman like myself to be in charge of myself, my goddamn pussy at the very least, to see who i fucking want to see. Your insecurities are NOT my fault. How come i dont lose my mind whenever he goes out. This nigga thinks i’m sitting how many miles away dreaming or deluding my fat black ass that he aint taping that white pussy….WTF??? i’m like even if you were homie, that’s YOU RIGHT cos i’m grown. denial fucking sucks.

I don’t play that, how you call me a dick hungry fucking slut cos i’m honest with you about my fucking desires this is why this world is fucked up, you lie and say you want honesty, YOU DONT, you cant handle it. Masculinity the very premise of proving that your pussy can forcefully and violently lock down a rebelious pussy, if neccessary (thats why a bitch is always a challenge, cos you fuck that pussy like a bitch and keep it on lock…right) well that utter BULLSHIT. OI’m not a bitch into that shit, that is a make believe monogamy legitimatizing constructed fucking nuclear family neoliberal sustaining and ultimately inherited and undeconstructed white supremacist bull fuckery. I aint having it. This pussy right here is not about to lock down no fucking dick or base its value on how many fucking dicks i got on lock….that shit is WACKTASTIC. all this i was doing for one REASON and one reason i make commitments to people that i intend to keep. but damn you try hard and you gotta know when to stop, pump those brakes and fucking walk out, CUT your LOSSES.

Maybe i DO need to start taking a serious look at my daddy issues, i make a commitment to that, start writting letters to my father instead of wishing and hoping to find peace and home in the arms of a manipulative, insecure, name calling, dont know a good thing when its right up in his face kind of dude….or dudette for that matter, as in for real.

I need to get my shit TOgether, god dammit cant be fucking around damn, gonna be hitting 30, gotta KNOW what i want, cant be fucking around with no underachievers, sub par, swaggering with no fucking food in the fridge, stingy and BROKE to the fucking highest degree nikka’s. I’m so Done, done with the jacks of this world who think that all they gotta do to hold/keep/involve themselves in another persons life or achieve intimacy with another human being is a) control the bitch: as in be on top of every interest, every shit she fucking drops, her diet, her friends b) dick down.

Thats not intimacy, that how you end up on your dead bed ALONe or with a mediocre fucking life. I aint mediocre. I NEEED to stop SETTLING, satisfying myself, justifying or even thinking that mediocre is fine and ACCEPTABLE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

damn. MOVING RIGHT THE FUCK Along.

Gotta find a way out.

i’ve been doing a lot of quiet time, thinking by myself that looks like me eating toast and lying in bed all day, reading or watching tv on my laptop in bed. 

love is not about the sex, the chemistry, how someone dresses etc. love for me is shared. its about who i’ve shared my life with. those who i’ve shared my life with the most are the ones i love, they are the ones i remember right before i go to bed, the one i think about almost always, the people who even though they may never be in life again, i shared myself genuinely and honestly, those are the people i love.

 

more and more i think i’m a monogamist…all i really want to be happy is to share myself, my life with someone. i’m sure now i’m a lesbian, yes i like dick but i can only see myself satisfied and fulfilled committed forvever in this life and the next with another woman she doesn’t have to be a bio woman but she does have to be a woman. i’ve decided. this is what i want, this is my intention for my life.

i’m a lesbian.

i cry

Today I feel sad. I feel sad because I feel mostly alone, I do not feel abandoned by people in my life by the people who I know love me I just feel like I’m all alone. This time though it feels really really sad. I feel sad that I do not have my family there to share the minutia of my life. I feel sad that when the going gets tough I don’t really have a shoulder to lean on, no comfort, no support besides coffee/dinners that last for 6hours at the most not no sustained forever dependent on almost guilted into doing shit for you kind of comfort. The sad part is that I have family, I have people who love me and can and are willing to offer me that kind of presence but I’m just not with them anymore…we are not together anymore….we do not live together anymore…and my family is dispersed over various continents.   I mourn that loss. The mourning and sense of loss I feel is overwhelming.   For the past week I haven’t really done anything, I’ve barely left my home..twice only, buth times to events that I’d precommitted myself to. I’ve left my bed for the following reasons: to cook/dish food that I bring back to my bed, to feed my darling cat, to charge the phone and to let a guest who came to visit into my home. Today I made it out to the library.   It’s sad that everyone is so busy living their own lives. I don’t know what to do, I’m horribly codependent and almost for the first time in my life, I have no clear path dedicated and seth in motion for me. I have no distractions, I stopped drinking so much, no more getting high even and I’m watching my diet by that I mean the ways that I emotionally eat, right now I only eat when I’m hungry and I don’t deny myself anything.   It feels like my brain is fuzzy, cloudy, that I can perceive and understand things ultra clear in my head and see peoples motives and power manuervers and intentions so brightly clearly and with suich certainty that its startling and yet I don’t know what to do with that information, like I don’t act as if I see what’s going on..all it makes me is SAD. Not angry maybe a little resentful but sad ok maybe angry mucho angry too.   I feel like I can’t focus and concentrate on anything, I’m not functional. I haven’t even cleaned my home, I can’t bring up the gumption to do things that used to give me great satisfaction  like my clean apartment and yet I feel like I’m having these great revelations about myself, about my life, the way that people perceive me and engage with me.   I’m worried that I’m fucking EVERYTHING up, like this is somekind of crucial set your life up year and I’m not doing something that I’m supposed to be doing.   I don’t expect myself to be chirper and happy go lucky all the time, should I be surprised that I feel this way? Today out with some I guess work colleagues I almost broke into tears from the fucked up ways that people were competing, pissing contest on sufferinf fucked people of colour fighting over fucking trickled down carrots shit…depressed me right down to my soul. I just wanted to start balling. I need to move to a place of power with this shit and figure what IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want to do about MYYYYYYYYYYYY world, how IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want my universe and my world to be like, I cant keep crying everytime something shitty happens, I really hope I get past this soon enough.   I want love, I want to feel loved, appreciated cared for supportive, healthy,, non codependent, guilt tripping, I’ll be there to do your laundry when you’re sick or come over and eat ice cream with you while you cry love. I want friends that say what is one their minds, that offer and generously and respectfully within boundaries give this love, I wahnt to give this love to myself, I want to forgive myself for all the choices I’ve made in mylife instead of colluding with people’s fucked up shit to punish me shit, I don’t need an abusive relationship to kick the shit out of me so that I constantly feel like shit. I want to give myself permission to succeed to get good grades, to utilize the skills and tools that I have to use resources that will move me to where I want to go. I want to have the grace to stop fearing how powerfull I can be, to stop fearing what I can “get away” with, to indulge myself, to make mistakes, to play with myself, to not be so self conscious, to be myselof no matter the company I keep for myself not cos its cool,  or cos I’m better but because I want to. I want to love myself more than anybody could ever love me only so that maybe one day I won’t need someone to love me so much…   I can’t wait till I get there. Untill then I write my essays see if I can make it through this school year and cry when I need to.