fat naked women: it’s a good thing :)

picfrom just jared. Don;t know where i’ve been this was taken last year, dont watch tv but i’m totally looking to watch this. HOLLA!!

but wait: am i the only one or does monique looks smaller and BETTER than everyone else. I think it would have been better with indv. shot where the women could at least get one or two good shots of themselves individually in a pose that worked for them instead of looking like frightened deer in front of headlights. I can understand though: what with fat bodies constructed as diseased, nasty and to be hidden, i can understand the courage and amount of work it might have taken to get naked and try and look sexy for the camera. I like the rolls everywhere, i like the shape. I don’t like the set up/props or whatever you gotta change the landscape entirely you can’t use a setting that typically works for skinny girls for fat girls, they would have looked better if they appared to be in action, in motion (like she tiger there) i like seeing other bodie that look like mine. iTs a good thing.

According to Shuler Deardra of Afrocentrc News “Mo’Nique’s F.A.T. Chance is about loving one another and building up each other’s confidence and saying it’s OK to be me even if I am fat. There is a difference between being obese and fat and there is a difference in being healthy and unhealthy. Some people say how can you encourage women to be fat? I am not encouraging anyone to be fat but I am saying love the body you are in” explained the charming comedienne who began her career on a dare from her brother.

wait for it: the requirements ARE: “The eligibility requirements are: contestant must be 21 years or older, size 14 and upwards, a citizen of the United States, and be in excellent physical and mental health.” I’m not hating on monique cos i think she is taking a step forward no a huge ass mofo leap in the right direction (there is a niche market for BBW women in porn by the way, I know, I modelled for one a couple of years ago) But why the whole excellent health thing without a deconstruction of what it means to have a ‘healthy body’: she lost me there. Guess no ‘disabled women are welcome to a fat chance so how can i say it’s a good thing then? ‘

quick notes to self: resisting monsters

One must remember at all times, as you offer your critique or even tell your truths to resist, cease and desist  from EVER constructing the OTHER whomever they might be as monstrous, subhuman, evil and therefore neccessarily inferior to you or lower than you. OR present them as empty vessels while you are superior and more FULL  in any way than “them.” If you follow this approach no matter who they ARE, or choosing to late themselves on the matrix of domination then you are FORCED to insert yourself and speak from your centre, it is humbling and prevents the “unwitting” and dreadfully regrettable paradox of attempting to achieve transformation and resistance while only instead reproducing and reinforming, reinforcing structures/systems of global capital order of domination.

YEs, it is easier said than done and infinitely complicates EVERYTHINg but have you not realized by now that it must be done?

bodi dey: my life presses forward: CAT scan

Another step towards the medicalization and pathology of my body

today, the hospital called, My appointment for a CAT scan has been confirmed for next week. This is just another test, exam in the long list of *LATE* diagnosis but my trained and intellect doctors who i must guide through my long list of complicated, overlapping and multiple physical diffrences and impairments.

I am not looking to this at ALL. I already know there will be no good news, i have been living with this pain for the past decade. I already know, this is just so it can be recorded and monitored and so that i fit thier criteria. I know i will remember.

I haven’t told my family and friends about the increasing frequency of my migranes, that i’m getting bloody nosed often, that my head throbbs so much sometimes that it actually feels tender. as well wishing as they are, i don’t want any advice on the best way to aviod migraines is to talk about your emotions, or any intrusive questions into how i live my life. I will NOT let anyone pathologize or turn my body monstrous. These things are secrets of my body, as they remain hidden, the pain invisible to those around me. I sleep now and wake up with the pain, its the one constant in my life. What will the CAT scan tell me that i do not already know?Ndi oyibo bu ezigbo agbara…

Its simple the options are do the Scan and get benefits, i want benefits i do the scan okpari…

My head is not ok…it brings a whole meaning to the phrase your head no correct abi?

I cannot help but feel sad, my heart hurts or is it my pride as this diagnosis shall further entrench me as “disabled”, there is a reason my situation is called progressive. This is just another step towards my death?But they are wrong and I am wrong. I continue to live. my life presses forward.

“yahoozee” is rupture not transformation “It’s all about the benjamins baby”.

Title: Rupture not transformation: “yahoozee” locating naija pop culture postcolonial, anti imperialist theory: “It’s all about the benjamins baby”.

I have been wanting to insert my two cents on the 19 for a while now and have reserved comment because i was still forming my ideas on how i thought it fit into our present location as nigerians, third worlders and a country whose citizenry and state (questionably they might be very clear) is mostly in denial about its location as a neocolonized state within a global capital order.

Prove of neocolonial status (they abound, but for the sake of the economist, that only understand resource control and production, whom i unfortunately have had the pleasure and eye opening encounter with recently, who also cannot/will not utilize thier imagination to concieve/consider, at least try to image a world, or at least acknowledge that capitalism works to create surplus TAKEN from whomever is neccessarilty constructed as “unacceptable/marginal and therefore disabled” ):

Ok to continue with the proof

• Free trade zones and commercial zones ideologized by state propagandas as “progress” for poor backward nigeria case in point: calabar
• a citizenry that are “educated” and colonized to think of capitalism and the conspicious accumlation of wealth and power to the purpose of domination as freedom as the only solution to domination. For instance: you can’t find a job: poor you turn to armed robbery, OR leabve the country and stick it to the white man by voluntarily exiling yourself from your homelands (which by the way leave it wide open and increasingly depopulated, because they are still human being in africa NOT desperate, suffering poor people in need of your janded priviledged help)
• Exile without recognizing and taking individual responsibility for the imperialist and capitalist destruction of economic and social structures so that you have to leave for a “better” quality of life
• Better quality of life spent as part of a colonizing peoples who literally continue to this day to engage in apartheid and genocidal measures against the original inhabitants of the land (applies to yankee mostly for what i know) while you complain about racism and the struggles of the “settler” as you remain mostly oblivious from the struggle of the original inhabitants without realizing or maybe just not caring much because the white people sure as hell won’t tell you, they’re too busy telling you how multicultural and committed to diversity they are, are you are merely concerned with bettering you’re quality of life.
• Quality of life: where you must learn to speak and engage much like a yankee, and unquestioned assimulation begins to take place. the ramifications? loss of culture and alienation from self are just a few side effects, not to mention the insatiable feeling of longing and sudden constructed space and distance from your home as you fully identify as an “immigrant” gratefull you should be.
• When you do return/speak think/talk about home you become an indirect and yet effective colonizer, from within as you propagate western ideals/values and expectations of progress without question.
• after you do make or if you are a 2/3/4 th generation immigrant and the years of accumulated linguistic, intellectuat, conceptual colonization has acquired full strength signaled by your accrued privilege and entitlement AND responsibility as a citizen of yankee nation then you start to think that you are well deserving and hardworking and have merited your accomplishments in life afterall you got good grades, made it out the ghetto and now make a surplus of anyway from 30k and above.

OR which is where the “criminals” (criminals in quote to emphasis how liberal value systems and consensus are made legal/laws and punish literally in an effort to monitor and control ‘other’ed disabled/diseased/racialized and stereotyped bodies) from incursions and protections of the dominant society. Not to say that robbery is right all i’m saying is that it is complicated as there are other non individualized factors such as ecomonic, social state sanctioned and structural that are erased, hidden and conveniently remain unaddressed (unstated, un deconstructed, unacknowledged and mostimportantly merely disturbed but not transformed in any meaningful way ) as people/bodies are constructed as criminals. Its not bloody fucking new.

but it is in my humble opinion misguided to say the least, to think or suggest that yahoozee which happens to be the prominent and solidly grounded rationale that i have been encountering everywhere of recent is RESISTANCE/transformation.

Why?

its too fucking simple and too easy…

first of all. important notes that guide/ground my logic: i think i read someone (buttigieg, A.J in teaching english and developing a critical knowledge of the global) reference Fanon to saying something like it is worse when one thinks that they are seperate/distanced from the master and therfore are hindering themselves from thier position so that they may understand how it is that they are being mastered so that they may find a way to begin to master the master and it is in this conflict,process, chaotic place of contradiction between agency and power/domination /oppressed notice those nasty boundaries become inefficient/not enough that transformation and resistance may and historically has occurred.

anyways how does yahoozee contribute to the capitalist global order and why isn’t enough: well for starters it is a rupture in imperialistic/colonial economic relations as it points clearly to the gaps in a meritocratic ideology used to maintain and legitimize oppression and inequality, after nigeria jagga jagga and everything scatter scatter, but it stops there. there is no disruption of the global capital order instead it reinforces it powerfully, and this time of course it is no longer simple/sufficent to blame the white man and deny agency, they get to claim “innocent” victim as they are the ones taken advantage of, as that pesky white mans burden rears it head and load once again. Below are clips from ABC news

• it is african (racialized, savage, inhuman, unethical and STUPID) body that starts to look monstrous as they “take” (which granted is rupture as it attempts to disrupt the economic flow of capital BUT NOT RESOURCES/CONTROL OF PRODUCTION) from thier victims.
• conspicuous consumption and spending primarily of western symbols of wealth and culture (dollars, bling, hummer) eurocentric consumerism is FULLY embraced and therefore the capital is returned to the western economy ANYWAYS.
• there is no “strategy” it is not meant to be resistance, nor in most cases is not meant fund say aids research and address the new pharmacological control of africa, food production, NO (if i am wrong please inform me)
• Emphasis on self empowerment, through indegenous culture/education is all but completely absent except in maybe lace purchases/real estate such that SUCCESS and efficient rupture/supposed resistance is completely located in a monetary nexus: CASH, DOLLARS to be precise. Capitalism thrives.
• as the support of capitalism and the accumulation of dollars is centralized then the ideology that is mostly responsible for all of this in the first place is reinforced and progated to new upcoming generations. imaginations and alternatives are limitied, out of the question and mostly not considered.
• mostly there is a devaluation of the self (in the face of such huge denial of humanity face with laws meant to do this: immigration laws for example that claim to be multicultural and yet refuse, reject the accrediation of professional lured from thier indigenous lands into exile to serve as the surplus CHEAP labour in colonizing western economies) who will drive the mofo taxicabs, clean houses and provide childcare for the white middle class while they live the quality and kind of life with organic food, soy milk and mac computers that they killed entire nations for.
• and even then with the system, is yahoozee a quantifiable, ‘legally’ marketable and employable skill? can you really put it on the resume since we’ve fully embraced a global capital order.

• one must not forget the way that it affects masculinity, as it produces highly, i repeat highly insecure men who want to prove how macho they are with how much money they have and are consequently more assholish, and uninteresting and expect to get whatever they want because of the money and complain that they can never find a woman who really likes/love them without the money when the money was all that was offered, shoved down her throat to begin with, when masculinity and patriachial relations are reinforced and poverty is feminized, what happens: women get raped and abused and dehumanized.

and so i conclude by noting that not only does it reinforce global capital order mostly everyday is for the thief and one day is for the owner: you ass will get caught, one day one day. the system of prison and incarceration as a means of control, monitioring and legitimizing the domination of racially stereotyped bodies is another story for another day.

so yeah, where if i had the opportunity i may very well consider it, not do i judge, nor do i not date yahoozeeites but i in no way delude myself to think that yahoozee is part of a larger network of radical resistance….does it present such possibilities capital YES.

butch 4 you…enjoy

If i EVER was butch i want to be do it right and look just like snoop with a little queen latifah from her UNITY days and lets not forget…DA Brat. maybe i’ll do a collage of my top 3 butch looks….just soooooo SEXY. mY fantasy: a woman no less than a size 16, complete with robust round bellyfor me to rub, in an agbada who is also packing complete with cap and the latest “italian” alligator skin shoes…YUM. For her, i swear to god i’d quit all my whoring ways…

on the critical ish side of things as i was looking at the pictures and loving what i was seeing, my appreciation for her look is mediated and filtered by my overall hiegtened sensitivity to the level of mysogyny that is downloaded and borrowed whole heartedly from patrichial and masculine culture. As i struggled with my ex husband over the limits and inflexibity of masculinity and what it meant/means to challenge it as i have been shown/watched one queer woman do with her partner, that the places where women who adopt masculinity need to do more to deconstruct it and attack it as they copy it and reinforce it is really important and unspoken to on the most part. Except of course by femmes… at least i wish they would do so more…..as more men question, heterosexuality and gender norms.performativity, i guess they’ll fit right in with the whole deconstruction of gender?

I don’t know, i’m speaking as one who adored and worshiped masculinity and its performance and have for many years and when i realized that i had swallowed the whole mysogynistic/power hungry and patriachal aspects of “butch/doing boi” (pointed out by my powerfully femme partner at the time) not to mention that from where i’m sitting it is harder for me to “do” femme and “look good” and challenge notions of beauty, disability, lookism, fatphobia, a person’s worth through they ways that i choose to deal with and interrogate and portay my own feminity that i’m working on finding a good fat happy femme place for myself and its difficult but i’m doing it to grow and to unearth and understand myself so that i can feel comfortable in my own skin.

Not to mention that i love being femme in general..maybe when i’m done i’ll switch over but in the mean time i like looking and fantasizing about masclunine performativity, gender play in general really turns me on.

guess thats why when it looked like the marriage had truly gone to hell in a hand basket: hubby came back promising to crossdress and gender play, i guess he thought that was my ultimate trump card. except it was too little too late. I can get gender play almost anywhere and i am fully aware of this HOWEVER, igbo, naija gender play….that’s a whole other story….that’s been real hard for me to come by but i guess i can take comfort in the fact that i have experienced it at least once in my life and it was definitely worth it

feminists: race & menstruation

So i finally updated my link with the blogs/fetish/porn sites that i visit…mostly since i have evolved from  being WAY too tired of hating myself and my cunt and vagina while it’s bleeding which is often….there appears to be VERY VERY race analysis in the work and most of them are white women so far…still on the hunt for african, women of colour, and other non minority women with an analysis that leans towards this way..is thats you then holla, if you know someone then link me to them …just a heads up.

this wonderfull idea of being “centre”

I think that in my life, the most influential theoretical idea that i continue to attempt to practise, they say practise makes perfect is one of being centre: This has been/should have been the disability movements response to the social model and it pretty much has been with varying success in terms of practise but it really is changing my life and has guided/mis guided most of my decisions in the last couple of years  especially when i remember.

This weekend i put out an anonymous as a black, BBW on her period looking for “casual sex”  and problem of being horny, not feeling sexy, going clubing to find someone etc: DONE. I got so many replies and i am happy to say that my stable of dicks to service/for servicing has been replenished to the fullest and theses are men that usually have thing for what i am so no need to worry about fatphobia at least not in the ways that one would expect.

The first guy was very very lean but was sensual and downright pleasant to be around, and wanted to chill and hangout FOREVER.  All in all it was a healthy, mature , sexual experience for me: which is really all i was looking for.

I’m still working on the female side of things but noone seems to be responding on that front,  we’ll see

to be continued….

did you just knowingly fry your brains?

did you just stay up all night writting a fucking paper that is already 2months overdue?

yes i did.

is it done?

no, not quite…

well…finish it

i would if i could think, get my brain to have a coherent thought that wasn’t nonsensical…

ummm why the fuck did you do this to yourself/ didn’t the doc tell you to refrain my this shit cos you’ll get knocked out and will just have to live through it, meds cant really help you..

i know but i had to do it, i’m alone, i got no one else to count, if i dont get shit done, then it doesn’t get done period. i gotta do this….i can pull this off, i can pull through. I can’t think of ex hubby hearing that i fucked up my school year he will just swallow all the credit.

ok, gotta go back to work: i tried sha.  

counselling log: abandonment “issues”

Aight so today was a good day regardless of the nasty day mostly due to the encounter with the toxic crap that the ex hubby NEVER seems to run out of. In any case, I did a little reading recommited to my school work and went to bed at say 8-9pm with the intention to wake up in the middle of the night (don’t laugh i actually used to do this, back in the day when i still thought that higher education and academia was about learning but thats another post). I woke up you guessed it, at like 7pm well in all fairness my alarm woke me up but then i looked at the thing and just went to back to sleep. I got at like 7am, decided to get organized so i could make it to class did the dishes (did i mention that i’ve been doing the dishes now every 3-4 days!!) Thats just ridiculous i don’t want to have “visitors”, my buidling definitely has a pest problem and i’ve been keeping it under control with pest treatments every other week and they’ve for the most part stayed away but if i keep this up they are sure as hell to return.

ANYWAYS….to cut the long story short. Part of my getting OUTside of the house and trying to live for myself program has involved ACTUALLY making it to counselling which ever since the divorce i’ve been VERY VERY VERY sketchy about the whole thing. So anyways I get to talking, and the topic of my mother and my feelings regarding my mother and he reaction to all of this and her role in my life through all of this and SHE jumped on it, sunk her teeth in and wouldn’t let go….questions, questions, questions….

She said that i seemed to have SO many feelings and that i was joking them away but that underneath all the jokes and even my understanding there mUSt be something more I said yes of course, of course there is something more..i just don’t want to go there. Well, i told her that in the past and i’m taking a couple of years when i shared such issues with people who were supposed/claimed to love and care for me it was utilized with another emotional agenda (THIERS) and i was left to deal with the repercussions of my actions as a result BUT also that it scarred me in ways that have left me wondering how usefull it is to share, process the feelings that i have about my family (as i write that down i realize how stupid that is because its for my own good anyways to continue to beat it, process it and work on it as much as i can). I also said that i wanted to deal with the bottled up and unexpressed feelings so that maybe i could either have the relationship that i have always wanted with my mother or fund some peace with it and get some clarity on my part so that i can feel confident about being a mother.

Through all this divorce stuff, unlike all the other varying relationships i have had, my mother was there in ways that i had never imagined. I leaaned heavily on her for the moral support that i needed to deal with ex hubby and she was constantly unflinchingly inmy corner and it felt good. WHY?

It felt good cos it was a little surprising, i was expecting her to yell, cuss me out etc but she reserved all judgements at least untill later and just problem solved with me, after the numerous betrayals i had encountered with so called loved ones, it was good to be affirmed and validated like that. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I have always wanted a relationship where i could actually tell her anything and she would fight on MY corner, not the mutherfucker who raped me, not the ex, not my dad…JUST ME.

And I’m glad because this time, i was there, enough words, screams, yells and blaming had passed between the both of us that i think this time she was actually able to take care of me for once, regardless of what anybody would say or do.

Anyways..now that everybody knows that i love my mother and and have unfailing blood bound loyalty to her.

Detox…please tell us about the times you felt abandoned, neglected, rejected, unwanted, like a heavy burden that they did not want any part of not to mention carry so that you have to chase them down so that they will carry it, even though for most of your life up untill you came out and they told you that you couldn’t come home anymore, at least not like that, and then you SERIOUSLY started considering and exploring non bio family options and constructions that did not go very well, which they smugly blamed you for and that makes me feel like if they weren’t such demanding, blood sucking, insensitive, willingly ignorant and unkind people that kicked you out of thier little family and banished you to exile in this cold cold agbara of a place then there would have been no problem in the face  but then again it doesn’t matter cos even there i was thier little child that was disabled who made them uncomfortable so they decided that she wasn’t REALLY REALLY disabled, how fucking convenient because she was REALLY REALLY REALLY disabled and she found that out that she was REALLY REALLY unfixably and unpretendably disabled and they just all continued to pretend like it never so yeah i’m fucking pissed, hurt, cant believe it, don’t like thinking it, there is a gap in my head about what my family have told me they are and what i hoped they would be and what they actually ARE.

Support for all the above stated are as follows

• When i was little, my parents would periodically forget me in random places, in school, babysitters house, friends house, once they left me there late in the night in YABA!!!!! we lived closer to mile 12/satellite side. sometimes, i’d wait and wait and wait and then i’d find my way home and other times i’d try and call them and they would all of a sudden remember, or there was no fuel in the car, or they would have to send someone to come and pick me up by bus or they would find the driver and come and pick me up. The worst part? THERE WAS NEVER EVER EVER AN APOLOGY, no sorry honey heres an extra slice of cake. I’d come home, sulk, not eat, go to bed and nobody would say shit to me untill me too i just follow them “forget” as them dey talk am say na you go tire, in regard to my family and silence…yes, name tire. Oh wait..and then later on i got the rep for holding shit in well WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT? Now, several failed relationships later and i am proud to say that in my last relationship there was very considerably little of that, cos if i held it in, i might find my head bashed up againt a mofo wall….there was very little holding of anything in. I learnt to express myself, not because i wanted to, or because i thought it was healthy no, i learnt because if i didn’t my boundaries would get crossed in fact they would dissappear and i just couldn’t afford to let that happen. It would have been very very very risky.
• alone
• caretaker
• blamed me for the abuse
• pretend i’m not sick
• not calling/checking to see if i’m still fucking alive

to be continued in more detail later  (time limit up)

      

              

     

        

was i just in lust?

I saw him today..he’s going through with it. he’s getting me kicked out or at least he is doing what he can to make sure that that happens, whether or not he will succeed is another thing entirely. I talked to a couple of friends about how malicious he is being and they said that he is hurt and doesn’t know what to do with it. I think yes he is hurt but this is the way that he has always been when he doesn’t get what he wants or i do not do exactly as he asks me to do. He punishes me, he tries to hurt me. I am not saying that I am incapable of getting hurt, of course I am but I simply will not allow for him to do things that will turn my life upside down. I do that myself and this time, i’m going to fight real hard for my stability, for my peace of mind.

Next time: i’ll be more careful on who i allow into my life as in seriously if you are not going to contribute in really concrete ways to the stability of my life and i’m talking $$ and no drama then you have gots to go.

I set my eyes on him today as he confessed to the management company that he was fraudulent in staying on the lease since he did not leave there…and for one horrid moment i thought isn’t it fraudulent for me to notify the authorities about my collusion on other parts but i just cannot be that person. I cannot knowingly and eyes wide open do something like that i know would affect another persons life irrevocably. But then again, i have in the past and i guess he could argue that i did the same to him.

He didn’t look the same, he looked ugly, not as attractive as i used to think of him, unkempt and he was growing facial hair??? I though omg what the HELL was i thinking. And at the same time, it hurt, it hurt deeply that we no longer, smiled, kissed, hugged, touched each other he was a stranger and a dangerous one at that.

I performed as calm, together, put on my clothes, make up and went to the meting and smiled while my ex husband told lies to the management because he wanted out of the lease and i told myself to remember that he was doing this to me, to try and take away the right lessons from this situation, to open my eyes and see him clearly and just sit still.

I wanted to ask him to come in, lets chat, have a cup of tea and then i realized that i must be in some alternate universe because this man had just tried to get me kicked out even though he unwittingly did me a favours because i no longer have to stay here till august and he has no idea that i got a job but they say that the universe in her infinite mercies works in mysterious ways and they are right.

tHere is still a part of me that believe in marriage as an oppressive institution, that believes that he was the one for me, his dick is MINE and my pussy should be HIS even though it is so far. The real, i look the man i con dey wonder say na wetin self wey mak me i dey wan kill myself for this man abi na small boy i go call am? no be say the boy dey take care of the house, pepper nko, that wan no even begin to dey rest for the boy hand but i no go lie bobo sabi shook, he’s down with the koko, as in noting wey i go wan make im do wey im no wey do as in whether na to wear woman cloth or even self to give me im gnash make i dey pund dey go…anything as long as say i get my rocks off bobo is down.

But one thing i will not do is pathologize him or call him crazy cos even though there are things that he has done to me that i do not think i can actually do to someone else, the reality is that does not make him “crazy”. i love, just love how people after the relationship has gone to hell in a hand basket, they start calling thier partner, sociopath, psychopath, pathological liar, downright evil: i think its real easy to do so. I’ve done it too and it just makes it harder for me to grieve and move on. plus how easy would it be for me to join in the pathology of the dark skin man, i just can’t go there. I don’t want to wake up many years from now with unresolved baggage from this marriage..NO WAY. i want to grieve, feel the pain, everything now…i just want it to be over and i’ll process it all away. this waste of time, is not coming back to bite me in by ass. you get?

you feel me….maybe i was simply in deep deep mutherfucking LUST

Bu then again i was so in lust with the dream of marrying a young your ageish, professional who was kinda liberal so that we could have that dream heterosexual perfect marriage among two relatively hot in market fish, so that we become the hottest couple and the talk of the town….ah well…i’m still on the look out for any queer naija ppl out there that wanna hook up i promise i’ll be in lust with you..will let you walk all over me as long as you give it up and make me squirt in the bedroom, i promise to spend each and every penny of mine trying to take care of you, your dreams, wishes, wants, desires, keep you in the lifestyle that you’re used to, i promise to let you make fat phobic and homophobic remarks and don’t forget ableist remarks about me as long as you don’t say/make them about anyone else in public where others can hear you cos you are supposed to be my questioning, non straight radical type of partner see…..i promise to cook for you EVERYDAY traditional, caribbean and other world wide fare. I promise to bend over and take whatever you dish as long as you do not hit me but don’t worry you can push me, drag me on the floor, step on my feet with your steel toe boots, watch oir make me do things that you are are physically difficult for me. Do you have a child/children, don’t worry i promise to help parent them and prepare myself as you dictate to become a parent for them and when the time come i will no longer contact or engage with them as is your desire you needn’t worry about me. And don’t worry even if you hit me, if you space it out and promise you’ll never do it again i will believe you.

Yes tell me you want to be with me forever, that i am the one for you, that you cannot imagine your life without me, tell me that you love and i am yours to use, abuse, humiliate as you wish.

Dear Mary, teach me the perseverance and the wisdom to trust in my own faith and my own abilities and my own abilities grant me the grace to know that i am guided and held in the care of the creators universe. keep me and guide me and care for me as your daughter

and lastly like my mother says: FIRE!!! holy ghost FIRE them and back to sender, they shall never EVer succeed, they will never set thier eyes on me as i am coming they are going and as they are going i am coming, may our paths NEVER cross.

AMEN