I saw him today..he’s going through with it. he’s getting me kicked out or at least he is doing what he can to make sure that that happens, whether or not he will succeed is another thing entirely. I talked to a couple of friends about how malicious he is being and they said that he is hurt and doesn’t know what to do with it. I think yes he is hurt but this is the way that he has always been when he doesn’t get what he wants or i do not do exactly as he asks me to do. He punishes me, he tries to hurt me. I am not saying that I am incapable of getting hurt, of course I am but I simply will not allow for him to do things that will turn my life upside down. I do that myself and this time, i’m going to fight real hard for my stability, for my peace of mind.

Next time: i’ll be more careful on who i allow into my life as in seriously if you are not going to contribute in really concrete ways to the stability of my life and i’m talking $$ and no drama then you have gots to go.

I set my eyes on him today as he confessed to the management company that he was fraudulent in staying on the lease since he did not leave there…and for one horrid moment i thought isn’t it fraudulent for me to notify the authorities about my collusion on other parts but i just cannot be that person. I cannot knowingly and eyes wide open do something like that i know would affect another persons life irrevocably. But then again, i have in the past and i guess he could argue that i did the same to him.

He didn’t look the same, he looked ugly, not as attractive as i used to think of him, unkempt and he was growing facial hair??? I though omg what the HELL was i thinking. And at the same time, it hurt, it hurt deeply that we no longer, smiled, kissed, hugged, touched each other he was a stranger and a dangerous one at that.

I performed as calm, together, put on my clothes, make up and went to the meting and smiled while my ex husband told lies to the management because he wanted out of the lease and i told myself to remember that he was doing this to me, to try and take away the right lessons from this situation, to open my eyes and see him clearly and just sit still.

I wanted to ask him to come in, lets chat, have a cup of tea and then i realized that i must be in some alternate universe because this man had just tried to get me kicked out even though he unwittingly did me a favours because i no longer have to stay here till august and he has no idea that i got a job but they say that the universe in her infinite mercies works in mysterious ways and they are right.

tHere is still a part of me that believe in marriage as an oppressive institution, that believes that he was the one for me, his dick is MINE and my pussy should be HIS even though it is so far. The real, i look the man i con dey wonder say na wetin self wey mak me i dey wan kill myself for this man abi na small boy i go call am? no be say the boy dey take care of the house, pepper nko, that wan no even begin to dey rest for the boy hand but i no go lie bobo sabi shook, he’s down with the koko, as in noting wey i go wan make im do wey im no wey do as in whether na to wear woman cloth or even self to give me im gnash make i dey pund dey go…anything as long as say i get my rocks off bobo is down.

But one thing i will not do is pathologize him or call him crazy cos even though there are things that he has done to me that i do not think i can actually do to someone else, the reality is that does not make him “crazy”. i love, just love how people after the relationship has gone to hell in a hand basket, they start calling thier partner, sociopath, psychopath, pathological liar, downright evil: i think its real easy to do so. I’ve done it too and it just makes it harder for me to grieve and move on. plus how easy would it be for me to join in the pathology of the dark skin man, i just can’t go there. I don’t want to wake up many years from now with unresolved baggage from this marriage..NO WAY. i want to grieve, feel the pain, everything now…i just want it to be over and i’ll process it all away. this waste of time, is not coming back to bite me in by ass. you get?

you feel me….maybe i was simply in deep deep mutherfucking LUST

Bu then again i was so in lust with the dream of marrying a young your ageish, professional who was kinda liberal so that we could have that dream heterosexual perfect marriage among two relatively hot in market fish, so that we become the hottest couple and the talk of the town….ah well…i’m still on the look out for any queer naija ppl out there that wanna hook up i promise i’ll be in lust with you..will let you walk all over me as long as you give it up and make me squirt in the bedroom, i promise to spend each and every penny of mine trying to take care of you, your dreams, wishes, wants, desires, keep you in the lifestyle that you’re used to, i promise to let you make fat phobic and homophobic remarks and don’t forget ableist remarks about me as long as you don’t say/make them about anyone else in public where others can hear you cos you are supposed to be my questioning, non straight radical type of partner see…..i promise to cook for you EVERYDAY traditional, caribbean and other world wide fare. I promise to bend over and take whatever you dish as long as you do not hit me but don’t worry you can push me, drag me on the floor, step on my feet with your steel toe boots, watch oir make me do things that you are are physically difficult for me. Do you have a child/children, don’t worry i promise to help parent them and prepare myself as you dictate to become a parent for them and when the time come i will no longer contact or engage with them as is your desire you needn’t worry about me. And don’t worry even if you hit me, if you space it out and promise you’ll never do it again i will believe you.

Yes tell me you want to be with me forever, that i am the one for you, that you cannot imagine your life without me, tell me that you love and i am yours to use, abuse, humiliate as you wish.

Dear Mary, teach me the perseverance and the wisdom to trust in my own faith and my own abilities and my own abilities grant me the grace to know that i am guided and held in the care of the creators universe. keep me and guide me and care for me as your daughter

and lastly like my mother says: FIRE!!! holy ghost FIRE them and back to sender, they shall never EVer succeed, they will never set thier eyes on me as i am coming they are going and as they are going i am coming, may our paths NEVER cross.

AMEN