so this turned out to be a rant….

I’m not sure of what is going on with me and sex. I like my sexuality. I’ve been working on finding a place where i am acualized where i can do and feel pleasure without going to a scared of vulnerability, this person will judge me as a slut mostly cerebral or totally disconnected emotional place where i’m so afraid of a memory that i’ll faze out and the person will notice leading me to me needing to explain myself and not wanting to deal with thier own definitions of “crazy” raped girl turned oversexed whore…too much work for me.

My friend of what? 7 months now (JACK)..i like him, i like who he is, i like that he likes me, enjoys it better when i’m free, at ease, is attentive to notice when i’m distracted/not quite there or anxious. I like his sense of humour, his no bullshit attitude to life, this ambition and practical i work for what i have, the fact that he understands how hes big brother/daddy for his family..i wonder about his relationship with his mom does he play husband too? I like the fact that he’s unassuming and gives me WIDE room and space while still checking in and staying in touch with me no drama, no bullshit. I like that he tries to show me he’s interested in me genuinely, oddly enough there no pressure, we can go out on dates or stay in and fuck ALL weekend, we’ve done that i’m REAL compatible with him but i’ve got no “romantic love ” feelings that i’m used to, no real passion, no fire. there’s no roller coaster but the reality is that when it comes down to it, i always pick him, i always pick spending time with him even if its just to watch a movie and he; as bad as it sounds motivates me…to just be myself, no judgements no pressure but i’m assured that he’ll be there. i like that about him, maybe its the gemini in him. I get it. I make commitments like that too. But i do miss the urges, compulsion, hes very very controlled and sometimes contained everything is parcelled out, doled out in a way that he can control and manage nothing ever out of step/routine…i don’t get that..i like spontaneity. I’m appreciating our relationship and wondering how long we can manage this before he decides that if he’s really going to be like obama then he’ll need his michelle. I’m definitely not a michelle, for one i don’t have an appropriate haircut nor do i like passing as presentable to whomever.

Then there’s Red, we talked sometime last week and she was just so far away, so diffrent from the red i remembered whom i could feel in my heart, whose warmth of her thighs held me raptured and made me write poetry I cannot deny that something came loose for me as we kissed, as i held her, it was something i wanted so very very badly, the intimacy and the way that i knew she was so very family with me, my history, what we’d shared was so real for me and full of passion. There was a time, infact many a times i’d metaphorically stuck my neck out and took a bullet for her. I’m hurt that past the rage, anger, rejection? that she feels, i don’t know cos even though i tried to broach the topic she said it was all firmly in the past and a mute point but not so cos we can’t move on. She just wants to be friends, while claiming to right to experience her attraction to me and expect reciprocation but i’m not there anymore. If i’m going to repress feelings so powerful then i’ll do so knowing and consciously. I’ll find a way to impermanently tie em’ down in the inner reccessses of my heart, i might get to liking them out and find that they’re not reciprocated in as much intensity as i feel them which already happened between us in the past..but she no longer remembers and I do. That leaves me with a lot of emotional responsibility and feelings to work out on my own without expecting any reasonable involvement from her. I can’t do it.

I’m not into cuddling as foreplay and after and sex or feeling desire and longing till i can’t see straight till i start feeling compelled and making decisions based on the wetness between my thighs. That shit has made me hella hella stupid..i aint going back there. Sex should be and can be and it has been about pleasure thats how its going to stay. I don’t want to start conflicting good sex with good love..they ain’t the same. I don’t know how she feels so i can’t even explain it to myself but i’ve said that i feel like she was never really there for me as much as i was for her. But now she gets to say that i rejected and acted hatefully towards her, thats bullshit. She was committed to people i was no longer committed to..there was no other way/chance/opportunity for our relationship to exist as anything except within a circle that i cut myself loose from. And now, i really really hate that she can’t see that i shouldn’t have to choose between my relationship with her and being in a totally abusive and toxic environment. Why can’t she use that info to appreciate my choice in the past.

I really want just me and her, out side of a circle, just figuring out what works but i’m not sure how that is going to work. I’ve called her twice now each time we hung out but its like if i don’t make a move shes happy where she is. I gotta find a way to be cool with that. I mean i have to find a way to make sense of it, to tell myself that it’s not my fault, that its not cos i’m fat or that i have a disability or that she thinks i’m a slut but instead she what? cant see just what i have to offer and that indeed what i have to offer is a great thing, that i have companionship to offer, true commitment that i will be myself that i will continue to grow and grow on myself that I am working on being very healthy…but the real is its not what she wants right now for whatever reason and i have to live with that. I could manipulate her, attempt to lie about who i’m fucking so that she wont ask me stupid fucking questions about std’s or sti’s when i get tested guaranteed every fucking three months and she can’t remember the last time she was…i’ll find a way to move on.

I feel like i have to hold on, still. How may fucking african lesbians who are out do i know who are under fucking 30, fuck lesbian, I’ll settle for bi or even exploring thier sexuality a whole fucking three including myself and i’ve fucked the other two and things didn’t seem to work out with both of them. Where the fuck is my african butch who can fist me till i squirt all over the bed, make breakfast and drop me off to my boyfriend for a date at HIS house? what the fuck? Why can’t people just fucking have sex, people who claim to be non hetero if you say you have fucking feelings for someone why NOT fucking take the fucking leap and FUCK them. god. i am NOT going to have sex with an older dyke who doesn’t understand the ways that she can be manipulative and predatory and the power that she has and asserts as the older one just so i can get a good fucking fisting, I am not going to fuck a skinny white chick who can’t remember the last time she fucking ate a good meal and thinks i’m strong powerful exotic african woman while she reserves the right to call herself a fucking girl.

I’m ready for something ELSE. DEAR UNIVERSE, Something else…some passion, sex, emotions..i’m so fucking bloody fucking double ass fuck, fucking READY goddamnit.

hope and its utility for survival as resistance

Its taken a lot, so much has happened, i’m already failing a class in my final year of university even as every single of my professors and peers constantly affirm to me that i am brilliant academically speaking of course. The reality is that i am supremely low functioning. I used to be considered Type A personality, super crip who just gets shot done. Now i do it not cos i enjoy, not cause i even really want to..i do it because i have to live. I have to survive and i have to succeed. I need money to live a life or leisure or even to support the kind of chang that i want to exist in the world. Its what jeeps me going..just going.

Recently though, the people in my life that i walked away from have somehow managed to reenter my life and it seems like they never left. I feel loved and feeling loved makes me feel responsible, like i should be living, like i should be accomplishing something in other for me to be around them and not fuck them up..not offer them pain and not offer them the horror that i’ve recieved in my own life.

I had to walk away from a relationship, no looking back and now we made out, flirted and came very close to fucking. She is someone who i have loved so completely and uncompromisingly that when i left heri felt like part of my joy/hope/expectations of joy in this world shifted. But our reunion is not quite like in the movies, its a tortured yet beautiful one, there was excess everywhere, i marvelled at the fact that we walking walking on the streets of toronto together, laughing talking smoking, that i met her friends and i started to check my self, to see if i was good enough for her. This girl has my heart, i could marry her in a quiet quaint little house in kenya, learn kiswahili and forget about everything besides her and the shape of her wondrous boxer clad backside. I am so ready to pack it all up and be a good wife: she is my fairy tale of african lesbian love.

Not of this is grounded in reality. In reality, i always hold myself back back, for fear of being vulnerable, rarely share my deeply cynical, jaded thoughts and i dont even try to sound intelligent, i’m too busy trying to make sure that my hair is perfectly coiffed, lip gloss on, must get good grades, keep good job to keep her around. I’m too busy making calculations of how to constantly present myself in the best light to her as desirable..i dont want to tell her this cos then she will be worried about my insecurities and how they spell doom.

Why do i love someone who looks and me and sees fat disabled trauma survivor, who sees cute and viciously harmful. there is no trust. why am i still in love with someone who thinks i was hatefull towards her because i left an abusive situation that she was not yet ready to live. I am not in love, i have love for her, i always will but at the present moment i am deeply infatuated with her and the idea of two young african lesbians who speak the same academise holding it together.

This is what i would say to her if only i could pick up the phone and call or even send her the email…but we are doing things diffrently i’m giving her space that she appears to need and this means so much to me that i want to take it slow and make sure that i’m being honest to myself every step of the way.

Dearest red,

yes it is true, that i have a completely romantic ideal about what our relationship should be. It is true that i wish i could go back to our relationship and what it could have been without the context that we found each other. I say this, verbalize it and inform you because i agree that it could be a set up for the both of us. Afterall even the good old days were not so very good, sometimes. but every relationship has its ups and downs, i do not expect perfection. i expect trust, honesty, intimacy, commitment and a shared life. When i have said that i loved you, you asked what that means to me i didn’t have the answer then but i know that this is what it means for you. That you are definitely one of the people that i considered spending the rest of my life. I gave you care, you gave me care, we once shared a deep bond that i continue to cherish.

Red, even though sadly what we had is gone, past tense. I see this meeting of our now as an opportunity to build to hold each other, to view and perceive of each other as we may, an opportunity to make up my own mind about you based on what i see, hear, and am exposed to and share with you. i believe in new beginnings. I’m not very good at leaving everything up in the moment and going from moment to moment. I need a little bit more security and commitment if i’m going to be fully open and vulnerable.

I am not afraid, i’m not even afraid of getting hurt or fucked up..life comes with fuck ups. I am not one to regret whole relationships. I am ready when you are.

I cannot say that i’m going avoid everyone who has “issues” we all have issues and i am the queen of issues. But i can promise my hardest to be honest, to be loving, caring, thoughtful, sharing even of the scariest and darkest moments all in good time. I’m begging for you to give us a real chance, to be open to the possibility of a loving relationship between us. Thats all i can really ask for or hope for given our shared past.

Most importantly, I’m hopeful. Thank you for that.

Always In love

I say infatuation because i felt longing, desire and pleasure that touched me deep inside like the response to a far distant cry when she kissed me, i could feel the hunger and want in her lips as they met mine. Also because although i already have love for her am i compatible with her as a lover? if the answer to that was yes, then i’m in love. But we are yet to find that out…She didn’t have to tell me that she’d missed me. Is it possible for us to start afresh. I cannot help but consider the possibility that this story can only include some kind of revenge on her part if she feels like a jilted lover. This is to prove to herself that she can indeed hurt me as much as i hurt her but thats ok. Isn’t it. I get to wake up beside her, grind up against her in the club, share breakfast without any awkward instead comfortable silence then sign me up? Is that the masochist in me?

Given the way that power works in this world can she love me complete with my sexual deviousness, disabiity toruturedness and all. will she even give me a shot or does she just want a good fuck? thats the one thing i dont want.

goin down memory lane..musically speaking

this song used to make my heart beat fast… HOTBOYS

(* side note: I dont think i’ve ever seen fat missy, femme fatale missy. )

who could EVER forget…She’s a BITCH

and SOCK IT TO ME

Funkdafied

trina the diamond princess

Mommy loved Tina, used to do the dances in the living room. I think tina gave her hope