I have a real weakness for red, its real, it compels me to leave the house, agree to social events that i wouldn’t normally as long as they can somehow coincide/give me a fucking excuse to call, text, visit so there i am leaving message so hopefully its been two weeks and i haven’t heard a word, i’m quietly going crazy, so texts saying that she coming right now to meet me, i abandon my friends for drinks with her, i spend my last $10 bucks fronting like i’m not dead broke on a tanqueray and a fudge marshmellow brownie. Apparently shes skipping her school work to say hello i want to ask her why in the fuck? did it take her two weeks and a VERY convenient call from me for us to meet. I don’t. I’m playing the femme girl here, i figure i’m still on probation, I do tell her that i’m very anxious- understatement of the year, my stomach was so tight, i don’t think i was breathing. i sat there are told her about the two weeks somehow the topic of sharing our written work came up and were both paying for our drinks and heading out the door.. you guessed it to her place.
We talk, this time, i exercise self restraint and composure, i want nothing more than to hold her, kiss her, tell her i missed her, that she shouldn’t stay away for so long instead i sit, arms folded and try to talk eventually through everything we talked shared parallel traumas, i confess that i want more, i move to her bed, she moves under the covers and we get to touching but the sex, the touching felt more like an excuse to refamiliarize ourselves with each other, like there was this internal pull, it was hardest, one of the hardest sex i’ve had with anyone, the attraction was there, the wetness everything but there was something else too, major hesitation on both our parts. I’m hoping it gets easier. I’m looking forward to it getting easier.
Usually sex is a sure banker for me, its simply, its about my body, i get turned on, i can do casual sex even with my ex husband there are no strong attachments in the act itself, this time EVERYTHING, every moment had meaning and it was clear when she pulled back and i know she could see when i did.
When you know someone that well, can you just fuck? the thing is there’s gotta be more in this for me than just a good fuck..that kinda easy to get.
She asked me what our future looked liked and i’m like i don’t know, how do i tell her that i’m not really planning on leaving anybody for her but i dont want to “cheat” on her, its like my insurance policy. I see her again on saturday , i’m meeting her friends…thats the other thing i’m like you do you want to hang out at some naija club with 19 boys or go to some 19 dude’s house to get high and flirt and gist and shoot the shit. I’m like yup i do have a therapist, nope i’m not on medication though i seriously considred it and yup i did just use all my money last month to buy a leather jacket and a banging pair of shoes in spite of my anti capitalist rhetoric and no i dont know who wrote the latest book, reading art display..i’m not in the scene for recreational purposes AT ALL. I’m in the scene strictly to network etc, no intersections of personal there, i’m not trying to save any world any more at least not right, its means no protest in my new shoes, cant march in heels (as if i wear heels but i can dream) just i’m not there anymore.
I think about electric can openers, the new LCDPlasma Tv i want for my living room, the upgrade kitchen aid food processor i want for christmass, a new leather couch, my hair, acrylic nails..not the activisty girl i used to be,i’m not sure she understands what i mean when i say that. In fact i cant stand most of the activististys especially on the realization that most of them are rich or have rich familiies that enable their whole walk around pretending/acting poor.
Red is NOt one of them, but she blends, i dont, i dont even try. I’m wonderiing will she wind and grind with me on some naija nite at a club to say 2ghots igwe? time will tell.
Yesterday and for the better part of today…all i’ve got on my mind is pussy, pussy juice, the taste of her, the familiarity, excitement mingled with regret of the how limited the way we knew each other was back then, that she wasn’t there as i grew, changed, shifted that i wasn’t there for her evolution either. It made just want to cry. I wanted to promise right there as i held on her, the place where her legs meet her thighs, my tongue in her pussy, my facing rubbing hard against her little just shaved pussy hairs, that i would try my darnest to make sure that this time, we defy all limits, that this time. i’m as open, childish, giddy, EVERYTHING as much as possible. No holding back…it’s gotten me heartbroken yes but never regret. I hate feeling regret. It just signifies waste.
No more, I’m so ready. fingers crossed.
