i cry

Today I feel sad. I feel sad because I feel mostly alone, I do not feel abandoned by people in my life by the people who I know love me I just feel like I’m all alone. This time though it feels really really sad. I feel sad that I do not have my family there to share the minutia of my life. I feel sad that when the going gets tough I don’t really have a shoulder to lean on, no comfort, no support besides coffee/dinners that last for 6hours at the most not no sustained forever dependent on almost guilted into doing shit for you kind of comfort. The sad part is that I have family, I have people who love me and can and are willing to offer me that kind of presence but I’m just not with them anymore…we are not together anymore….we do not live together anymore…and my family is dispersed over various continents.   I mourn that loss. The mourning and sense of loss I feel is overwhelming.   For the past week I haven’t really done anything, I’ve barely left my home..twice only, buth times to events that I’d precommitted myself to. I’ve left my bed for the following reasons: to cook/dish food that I bring back to my bed, to feed my darling cat, to charge the phone and to let a guest who came to visit into my home. Today I made it out to the library.   It’s sad that everyone is so busy living their own lives. I don’t know what to do, I’m horribly codependent and almost for the first time in my life, I have no clear path dedicated and seth in motion for me. I have no distractions, I stopped drinking so much, no more getting high even and I’m watching my diet by that I mean the ways that I emotionally eat, right now I only eat when I’m hungry and I don’t deny myself anything.   It feels like my brain is fuzzy, cloudy, that I can perceive and understand things ultra clear in my head and see peoples motives and power manuervers and intentions so brightly clearly and with suich certainty that its startling and yet I don’t know what to do with that information, like I don’t act as if I see what’s going on..all it makes me is SAD. Not angry maybe a little resentful but sad ok maybe angry mucho angry too.   I feel like I can’t focus and concentrate on anything, I’m not functional. I haven’t even cleaned my home, I can’t bring up the gumption to do things that used to give me great satisfaction  like my clean apartment and yet I feel like I’m having these great revelations about myself, about my life, the way that people perceive me and engage with me.   I’m worried that I’m fucking EVERYTHING up, like this is somekind of crucial set your life up year and I’m not doing something that I’m supposed to be doing.   I don’t expect myself to be chirper and happy go lucky all the time, should I be surprised that I feel this way? Today out with some I guess work colleagues I almost broke into tears from the fucked up ways that people were competing, pissing contest on sufferinf fucked people of colour fighting over fucking trickled down carrots shit…depressed me right down to my soul. I just wanted to start balling. I need to move to a place of power with this shit and figure what IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want to do about MYYYYYYYYYYYY world, how IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want my universe and my world to be like, I cant keep crying everytime something shitty happens, I really hope I get past this soon enough.   I want love, I want to feel loved, appreciated cared for supportive, healthy,, non codependent, guilt tripping, I’ll be there to do your laundry when you’re sick or come over and eat ice cream with you while you cry love. I want friends that say what is one their minds, that offer and generously and respectfully within boundaries give this love, I wahnt to give this love to myself, I want to forgive myself for all the choices I’ve made in mylife instead of colluding with people’s fucked up shit to punish me shit, I don’t need an abusive relationship to kick the shit out of me so that I constantly feel like shit. I want to give myself permission to succeed to get good grades, to utilize the skills and tools that I have to use resources that will move me to where I want to go. I want to have the grace to stop fearing how powerfull I can be, to stop fearing what I can “get away” with, to indulge myself, to make mistakes, to play with myself, to not be so self conscious, to be myselof no matter the company I keep for myself not cos its cool,  or cos I’m better but because I want to. I want to love myself more than anybody could ever love me only so that maybe one day I won’t need someone to love me so much…   I can’t wait till I get there. Untill then I write my essays see if I can make it through this school year and cry when I need to.

un:isolation

Last night i couldn’t sleep…just laying there crying and crying and crying. So i picked up the phone to call folks that i knew hoping someone would talk to me cheer me up, anything…eeveryone was busy, voicemail, about to go to bed. I deleted some people’s number from my phone, whats the point all these people and you can’t actually talk to any of them.

in the end i called my mom, i hate to do that cos she’s got enough going on for her and i know she’ll just worry and worry and worry but it was either that or get drunk.high or think not very stay here kind of thoughts..so i called.

we cried together, it was good, then she prayed and prayed and prayed and then she updated me on gossip.

i love my mother, i love how accepting and forgiving that woman that god blessed me with is…she reminded me that i was not alone, she reminded why i missed being loved so much, its because i’ve known my mothers love.

i slept peacefully, i have to go on and create what i have with her, i ask that it multiplies that generousity, acceptance, TRUST and care.

So I’m BROKE, I’m not having sex, I have no boyfriend/girlfriend distractions and its not that bad anymore. 

I’m getting used to simply not thinking about things that require money, i don’t even ask people for anything, I take my own food EVERYWHERE…can’t mess with getting hungry and not having food and/money to buy a snack thats wack (haha..notice how that ryhmed) My mofo PC is not working…annoying much, i hate that piece of shit PC..i swear so i HAD to spend my last shishi as in last $10 to go to the internet cafe and apply for this job like that…i couldn’t pass up the opportunity i mean, the smallest and i mean smallest chance say somebody MAKE mistake and dem give me that job..Oh baby..na big things popping oh..ok maybe not big things but bigger than where i dey now and i be hustler..i’ll make that shit work..WORK. I’m actually happy…the secret? I spent like the evening night and most of today with RED!!!.

No biggie, we spend a lot of time together right? WRONG!! lol, it was so much fun, stimulating, brains waves firing and leaving trails of electrified pleasure vibrations from my medulla oblangata to my clit, literally my clit was jumping , if its possible, you would think her tongue was on it…shit! It was good cos 1) i knew no fucking..so i could just feel my body, feel the sensation and just experience it and i came to the express conclusion that NOTHING dey make my toto dey raise pass intelligent conversation heavily lubricated with big, complicated sounded theoretical words and phrases..call me elitist whatever. 2) it was soo fucking intimate, we we sharing our deepest, darkest, musings, thoughts, fears on the state of our world on everything from the hottest mix tapes/podcasts to africa, the continent and theory too…damn i felt like it was surreal, I mean she made me dinner, we listened to wicked diverse eclectic collection of music that we were both vibing to, and talked about our feelings and ambitions and theory and politics..i thought i’d died and gone to heaven. I’m telling you, the satisfaction, connection was BETTER than sex, thats right..BETTER than sex. That girl sho does rock my world and the best is we’re cool again, i dont think any of us feel anyways now about relationship or not, past resentments out of the ways, processed through all we’ve got left is a positively affirming, GENEROUS, freely loving, affectionate and caring relationship…Yup, we’re in a good place.

This is/was my vision for my exhusband, for all my ex’s i know its possible but only a few actually get it, as in get it enough to know that love is A COMMITMENT, not something you really walk away from that it can continue to grow in diffrent directions, doesn’t need one particular form/model/way to be. I’m cool though cos why? cos i KNOW now, i have 3 solid kick ass, through the thick in thin, we don fuck up long time and keep going to know that damn i DO try and I try HARD..but sometimes mehn…it just doesn’t work out.

I’m kinda sad that i’m not in 9ja right now nor is it looking like i will go until maybe next yr insha allah, but its ok, i’m SOOO busy these days anyways that there is no time, i have so much work to do, so much to set in place, and all i ask of the universe if you are listening to me, my creator, is that, next year i go and that i can go CORRECT, as in with vocation and leisure and connections all taken care of and even better with a loved one ehn..9ja no dey go anywhere….

let it go…change is a hard labour of love

So many things i have to let go..and think of myself. I’m SOO tired, sometimes when something is over its better to just let it stay DEAD or maybe its better to try and give it a solid earnest shot but find the wisdom to walk away and KEEP moving forward

I see the same things happening OVER and OVER again even as i’m promised change, the same cycles OVER and over again, the same feeling, the same struggles..almost identical like we picked up EXACTLY where we left off. I was expecting some miraculous change not overnight but i thought One year of distance, one year of seperation of missing each other would help put things in perspective, but i guess in reality you can’t make someone do something they DON”t want to do or DON”T know how to do or have NO real INTEREST or commitment…

Heartbreak over and over and over again…i feel like an empty shell, mostly though i’m Just tired. I remember the last time i felt like this it was when i left me ex and moved to a shelter, i felt like a leaf blowing in the wing, alone, vulnerable..this time i hopefully wont find comfort in the arms of someone who i will give FULL permission to take advantage only to seek myself later..much too late.

I’m mourning lost opportunities, being able to innocently believe that change is possible replace by the realization that change take real committed hard hours and work, change is a HARD LABOUR of LOVE.  

He NEVER loved you, let it go…

still no sex..1month

approx: 1 month

taking but another procrastination break to write this, i’ll have to pay for this time..at like 4:am but its cool. These days i’ve been wondering if i’m actually allright..in the head, but i guess i already knew i wasn’t all right but i feel less and less normal with the passing minute…i guess that is part of what fucking does for me, it affords me a contrived and false state of normalcy. i feeel like i have meaningful relationships with people, i can construct them as caring, loving, attentive especially if they are good lovers. i feel like an addict in withdrawal, with my life i fucking know what withdrawal feels like, i think. i feel compelled to drink more, eat more, sleep more in an effort to replace the comfort that fucking offered me. i feel completely depressed and abandoned by everyone in my life, i cant stop crying about everything. i feel like i have nothing to feel good about. its forcing me reach into myself and do things that about self care/feeling good for myself like cooking for myself and fucking washing my hair. i’m realizing how alone i am, how very very few relationships i have bothered to build and maintain – these are the things that i actually value and even worse i’m broke. i’m going to spend my last $20 on a cab ride home tonight , how and what miracle i’m going to use to pay my cell phone bill, homephone bill, hydro bill, are beyond me but i’m not panicking i’ve been even more broke than this before so its cool. i cant let any of friends cover for me, i feel like people start acting weird once you allow them to do that more than one but i guess that’s to be expected given that we exist in a neoliberal global context…every dollar counts. its sad cos i dont really think about when it comes to my friends if i had i’d give till i had no more..period, maybe they have good boundaries. i’ m sick and aching everywhere and noone has noticed i dont think that should make me happy its a happy bitterness if theres such a thing i’m glad i can pass and sad cos i expect them to notice. i’m working thats the only good thing: secretly trying to complete a short story or get it out of my head and other project is almost complete, half of another one and today got started on another one, but these are all things that i’ve had in the works for at least a year now they are just finally coming together. in the next week i need to apply for jobs i’ve got my eye on three that i’m qualified for ..lets see what happens..

worries/anxieties…theoretical musings of a “fronting” postmodernizing de-colonializing kind..still

More and more and more these days i really worry. I worry that i’m on the right path, i worry that i am one of those who don’t know what the fuck resistance looks like but will gleefully participate in armchair activism and theory without walking that talk. I worry that my live is fully invested in systems of domination and oppression. I worry that i have completely bought into systems of domination and oppression.

I worry so much that i am completely invested, shamelessly and apologetically in privilege status acquiring knowledge production and ways of making sense and meaning of the WORLD that I KNOW can feel in my gut in ways that send me to the fucking bathroom with the run…speaking of nervous condition of all sorts maybe daramgemba was on to something..besides the ableist pathologizing, i mean.

I want this degree so bad, i want my masters and phd not neccessarily cos i think i’m so good that i will change the world but i enjoy 1, its the only think i think i can do well and i want the social status and prestige but what about the adoption of ways by which whiteness has maintained its “expertise”, dominion and maintain its supremacy eh..how do i reconcile the two?

theories Mbembe and Irele (in praise of alienation) on alienation even hooks (postmodern blackness) on the creative forces of liminality help not much here, because i think it is the only forward because want the privilege and access that they have gotten used to …cop out alert bottom.

As an aside i feel like bitch slapping all the so called black diasporic feminist who COMPLETELY ignore the fine fine work that RECENT african feminist female scholars are doing on the the black body as subject as african as nation….SERIOUSLY, go pick up a fucking book and realize….

I think the key is to continue to examine Mbembe’s (african modes of self writting)notion of what it means to continue to engage in negotiation simply for power to be utilized for domination (which i fit very well ) with the master..not a study of whiteness and constructions of the authentic black person BUT really the feeling, and intracacies and nuanced instances of servitutude.

Because in spite of my my ambition for the accrument of what can only be borrowed power , the degrees, i feel like a SERVANT, i feel like one in servitude…talk about nervous conditions, talk about living in bondage someone needs to do a postcolonial/post modernization theoretical analysis of classical nigerian nollywood movies and the ways that they address the irrational logic of the postcolonial state and was of conceptualizing the african subject..now that would be a fun paper not this shit i’m churning out like i CARE…bS…neways but i will forever understand living in bondage differently…word

kitchen reflecting

I spent most of my day today cooking. I made two kinds of quick breads: cooked oatmeal and cinnamon raisin loaf, that has a very moist texture, somewhere between pudding, cake and bread that I have come to truly love and crave, my classic corn bread except I didn’t use eggs this time – ran out and decided to use my last egg to bake chocolate chip peanut butter cookies J - an old friend and roommate used to make the best peanut butter cookies I’ve EVER tasted and today I tried my hand at them. They taste like mine but just as heavenly.

Yes, I’m definitely a foodie. For several reasons, food is important, it makes me feel good, its sustaining and its also about quality of life and power. Today as I spent the whole day making good nourishing things for myself I realized some things.

One of them being that it’s too bad that the only times that I feel compelled to cook, as in seriously cook except for a celebration of sorts in which case its for others – mainly to please lovers, dates, family – for others. This was a VERY crucial part of my upbringing as a disabled young woman my mother felt that if nothing else I must be a good cook fo my husband/father. It is a very practical skill and I am grateful that she thought it necessary to imbue with them but her rationale was completely motivated by patriarchal understandings of a woman’s worth and by extension an ableist view of what a young disabled woman could amount to in the world. Nothing more than someone who constantly was “useful” and served a purpose thereby justifying her presence, apologizing for her presence, for the other numerous burdens that she presented just by being to the “norms.” As a result, even though I really enjoy cooking and taking care of people and myself that way in spite of the heavy physical toll it takes on me, I rarely feel comfortable, like the people I’m taking care of can appreciate and hold all of what goes into making a meal for myself that includes working in a hostile environment can truly grasp the magnitude of an offered slice of my banana bread – its pure love, a labour of love from my heart. Unfortunately too way too often, it goes unnoticed or people don’t know what to do with the information right in front of then as they watch me cook. Usually I have too much anger and resent at the “norm” world that I just go on and offer or just play along like the nice supercrip woman that I am.

Anyways, I thoroughly enjoyed playing and cooking for myself, I made my meals for the weak in anticipation of the frenzied attempt to complete all of my required coursework in the next couple of weeks. The only times I slow time and get introspective and take the time to do little things for myself that I used to do for myself when I was a teenager, those days I ws completely self centred and focused and ambitious in a very good way. IN a way that I miss desperately sometimes..i was so sure about who I was, my purpose in life, what I’m goin to do and EXACTLY what I needed to do to get there and most importantly I believed in my very core that if I could do all those things then EVERYTHING I wanted would come true, I would be fulfilled, happy and satisfied. I would have lived a life worth living and somehow impacted world change, a great woman, world renowned to use my fathers words J and beloved by all who knew her. I never envisioned my life beyond 25, by 25 I was supposed to be done with everything, established…

As I’ve gotten older, approaching my mid-late twenties, I’m taking stock re-deciding who I want to be and why, what choices am I going to make, what choices am I willing to live with, how have I lived my life until now and what happened so far. Without a dount I’ve lived a good life, I wouldn’t say that I’ve saved the world but then again I decided somewhere along the way that the world didn’t need saving by me, that my biggest act of resistance is ME. I’m happy with that but its been tough to go with your desires and gut, to trust yourself to make the right choices especially when you find out and are humbled in the process that you are indeed human with numerous flaws and that it is ok.

Anyways I only give myself space and time to think about myself when I’m broke, as in completely BROKE then I start taking care of myself in ways that I long for others to do.

For instance, I sew up the patches in my clothes, favorite sweater, attempt to make a new outfit from an old pair of jeans come up with a five year plan and stick to it..no I do that impulsively every birthday. The point is my politics, my world view, my belief that people spent too much money on trends, fashion and consumerism guided my fashion back then, now economic downturn does J

After having broken up with everyone that there is to break up with in this spirit of spending time with myself, well actually its about conservation of energy. I realize that my life is precious and short and fuck ya I’m a special person especially if I am indeed going to die of cancer, then I cant, well of course I can but I don’t want to spend my time with people I dislike, people I resent, people who I feel I can learn nothing from. I want fulfilled relationships that are loving, kind and caring. And I have at least one and oh how much I love her, it brings tears to my eyes how FARRRRR we’ve come or at least how far I’ve come that I allowed myself to have such a truly hones friendship and my universe continues to affirm that fact for me. Following that’ve also decided no more sex, sex is a problem for me, from the several conversations I’ve had with the counselor its clear that all I do is use it as a proxy for all kinds of things: communication, affection, care, love EVERYTHING. I don’t know how long it will last and u’m not committing myself to any particular time frame so that it doesn’t become a chore for me but that’s what I’m doing.

This frees up SOO much time, mentally and energetically, I spent so much time, energy, headspace thinking, fantasizing, seeking out and having sex that I now have time to spend the whole SUNDAY cooking, usually I would have spent it fucking.

For the first time yes I’m broke but I’m not going to be homeless, I’m not in a crisis, I’m not running from anymore, no one is kicking me out it might not sem like quite the big deal to others but its such a huge difference in my life, knowing that I created this space and time in my life FOR MYSELF, with help from other but by MYSELF. I envisioned and created this life for myself. IT brings a constant smile to my face when I think that I conceived of myself and maintained it and watched it grow and here we are..its all me. I’m seating fully and completely in the driver seat. There are times when I’ve had to fight to keep my hands on the steering wheel but I persisted so today I gave myself a lot of props for coming this far..even as people laughed and sneered and made fun and all it makes me feel is compassion for others. I don’t know how that works but the more I find that I feel compassionate for myself, adoration for myself the more I have room for others. The more I can appreciate others and expect less from them just more from myself.

Today I thought about my family…well I’ve been thinking about all these things but I literally spent several hours, speaking to noone besides my cat and the oven that all the thoughts has room to sort of congeal..that I realize that I really do normalize so many fucked up shit, little by little, from jokes to insults to verbalized threats to everything.

Point of all this is I like taking care of myself, I like cooking for myself and feeding myself, no need for special occasion to make myself homemade corn bread. I really like it. I’m going to stop trying not to spend so much time by myself, stop constructing cooking at home as poverty and just enjoy that I can take flour and eggs and what I have at home and transform them to the most delicious food I ever tasted and I marvel at the world. I’ve decided I spend too much time in opposition to myself..i’m going to try to just be. To stay in the present, without hiding or denying it to be present. I’m not sure who or where I want to be but I hope to be clear about the choices I made as I make them and I’m happy with that.

been

dont know why i keep trying..

ex husbandinsultedme recently, one time recently i was talking to him and started crying why? i’m not over him completely. i keep hanging on to the hope that we can be cibvil and loving to each other. i call him numerous times at the end of the day sometimes direct, never mind my phone bill  for my broke broke ass self,  and we talk, i fall asleep. with what sounded like someone else with him, he yelled at me and i’m like why do i think that sharing, that offering myself that being vulnerable will be recognized for just that and not weakness that it will be recognized as an act of love and not an act of stupidity that you should pay for is deeply depressing. i’m reaching my last straw…..it might be really over. i would hate to close my heart for good, afterall i did commit to this person with every breath and cell of my body…sometimes though thats how life is……..

lunch with the rapist

So I’m at the library and you know I’m supposed to be studying industriously but I was up for q whole 12 hours yesterday marveling at the wonders of what a HD camera and fnal cut pro can do for you but that’s another topic altogether, if I had any ANY ANY balls whatsoever I would do my masters in fine art and fucking theory, that would be awesome but I’m thinking only of practicality…but I’ll think of specializing in something I love STILL.

Anyways I’m having lunch with the mtf Rapist..introducing the rapist.

Anyways I met this dude, hes just under thirty and I’m standing outside waiting for my friend he runs out and offers me a ride, I’m like no my friend is on her way..so he asks me the usual are you a student? Work etc to scare him off, I’m like yes, University student with a fondness for theory, hes like oh yeah what theory? I’m like huh? There are many..right now neolib/post col are my fav but my actual fav theory is the theory of false positivity and he laughs, knows what it is and can have a fucking convo about theory?!?

I’m floored, so hes not EXACTLY my type but I can feel myself getting wet already..i want his number. We go out for drinks about a week later, talk briefly inbetwn, till we meet and the fuckery begins… he ONLY wants to talk about sex, not sexuality which might have been stimulating but sex, fucking what position and shit? I’m like what do I look to this mtf? WHATTTT/ as in if this was the kind of convo/interaction I was looking for I could get from people more like my taste, as in fucking nasty shit..i tell him this and he steps it up a notch, to groping and wants to go to a hotel..…

I was already drunk and he actually was trying to take advantage which made me sad and was hilarious to me at the time..i’m like thank you for showing your hand, deep down you have no fucking respect, no fucking principles and you are NOT a bonafide Slut/ sex addict, if he was we could roll, but hes just an ass. Somehow I allow the mtf to come upstairs with me cos hes claiming drunk…when all hes had is a glass of wine, looking back and refuses to sleep on the couch, tries to fucking fuck me.

I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And it wasn’t until I was threatening to kick his fucking ass and was hitting him, that it stopped and I basically overpowered him (another advantage of being a big fat woman if to say i be lekpa, i no sure as the thing for go down, no seriously twice now i’ve used my bulk to push some idiot off me – yes i know say me too i be dopemu for inviting such people into my home, my life, to partake of the wondrousity that is me..i know  ), it took me a moment cos for the first time in my life I was fucking triggered in the moment, I had a flash of someone else trying to rape me and the feeling of HELPLESSNESS and resignation was fucking overwhelming overwhelming almost took over my whole body but I had to hold on just to stay grounded and centred cos he was not safe.

My beef is why? I know it is about about power but why why? Would you want to take something that is supposed to be shared by force, how can you think that buying someone a $30 plate and drinks for like $20 value is equal to her pussy? I’m like even if I was a whore, I’m not a fucking cheap whore, if you’re going to place a price on my pussy it better be more like dinner at the finest most gourmet restaurant, $300 bottle of wines, private fucking jet and in paris…no lie

Otherwise, respect your fucking self and realize that this is about mutual respect and HOPE, here I was thinking that fucking bitches, that I had met one intellectual who was not a misogynistic asswipe instead he is the worst kind of misogynist, the kind that can pretend, has language and theory can form fucking liberal all the while using, adopting a fucking mask of masculine emasculation only to claim power. That fucking shit if scary.

As for stating the fucking obvious, i dont care if i’m drunk, high off my fucking ass and naked and gyrating on your fucking body, if i say no, FUCKING NO MEANS NO….and no just because i invited you into my home, does not mean i am attracted to you r ass and am dying to fuck and if you think its a game, that once you get up to a womans home, get into her bed then you can pressure your way into fucking then that is fucking pathetic. I am not, I REPEAT , i do not regret, am ashamed by of fear my sexuality..if i want to fuck you, i’ve decided from almost the first time i see you if ur fuckable and if i fucking like and your bitch ass will know not from fucking feminine wiles but from my overt advances or i might just tell you that i’m wet and i want to fuck you..long before you EVEN saw it coming.

Another thing its always the mtf biatches who are all about hyper, hesistant feminine sexuality that have attempted rape or that bullshit i’m touching you to get you turned on and then you’ll fuck me even if u dont want to cos ur a good girl, sometimes thats hot ONLY in role play mtf otherwise thats fuicking called COERCION if i say no it fucking means NO, it doesnt fucking mean try harder..for fucks sakes!

ANOTHER thing, i’m like talking to my friends the ones that date african men, jamo man no go fit do that kind thing..for my experience so far no the african men in particular..its been normalized as if say thats part of the fucking game, na so dem take dey chase woman, FUCK THAT!, no biatch, i dont expect you to insult, abuse and disrespect me in my own house, keep it in your pants and your hands to yourself untill i tell you otherwise and i pity the next mtf that will try that shit cos i’m calling the fucking cops..one hand. ITS NOT FUCKING OK

I’m like give me straight up, patriach, the kind that will tell you woman stay in the kitchen have my kids and don’t leave the house, except you’re wrapped around me, that is clear that some blubbering house slave, that loves to play the fool, in this case position women as fucking bitches and vahina gentata’s only so that they can be just as fucking patriachial and myso gynistic as the other guy if not MORE..because no one is calling them on their shit and they are too fucking busy fronting like they’re down with womens lib.

So I’m having lunch with the fucking rapist, I could tie him up, bind his arms and leg painfully to a tree and beat his fucking ass black and blue till he confessed that he will never NEVER EVER attempt to fucking rape another woman or even touch another woman without her EXPRESS consent I will.

But in this case, I will have to settle for lunch, and an long tirade where I let my little girl talk to him, where this woman gets to tell him exactly what he did, exactly what he tried to do, that I see him and that I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER want anything to do with his fucking broke ass anyways and that hes not even on my fucking level, not intellectually, not in terms of looks, energy, NOTHING. I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy.

And hopefully that will be the end of this rapist chapter unless he wants to

· Credit card with at least $3000 for my shopping

· Flat screen HD TV, I’m talking 42 inch

· Jewels, gold/silver/jade – gemstones spree

· Furniture shopping for my apartment

· Ticket to naija plus expenses and ALL the arrangements

Unless he’s interested in/willing to treat me like the FUCKING PRINCESS that I am without so much as a fucking kiss, so that maybe, maybe I can see his use..otherwise get fucking lost. I’m counting on the fact that he is liar and is in fact not interested in dropping a dime – even though he claims that all he wants to do is spoil me and I’m like yeah you mean fucking rape. I don’t know about his fucking definition of spoil but its definitely NOT NOT NOT fucking fish and chips at the fucking pub..imagine?