A LOT of fucked UP, shit has been happening to me, right along side the more “positive” (in quotes because i hate that fucking binary of positive and negative and the ways that it is used to easily reinforce and maintain domination of certain bodies.) I’m presently enjoying a relative easier, supposedly more stable life, my career and some of the time i’ve put in appear to be laying themselves concretely in the direction of forward movement, by forward movement i DO mean the unmistable move on my part to accrue access and privilege, i DO mean in tewrms of the neoliberal definition of profit, in cold hard cash/credit and progress in terms of human values as worth only what they can “produce”/ own in terms of thier private property in turn protected by the state.

From talking recently quite a fair bit to academics, budding and otherwise as in PHD/master students and professors wjom are either simultaneously studying and producing research in the field of the so called radical left: there is no alternative to neoliberalism not just as an economic system but as a way cultural framework for uderstanding our selves as humans and our value, net worth and how it manifests (see arguments of the african/black man’s worth pre/postcolonial time or even women aka suffragette mvmt) and so i find it HARD to believe in a fucking left, in practise and otherwise as in ideologically.

Anyways point is, among these folks who i would dare call esteemed colleages, there appears to be a general consensus that people have just sat on thier fucking asses since the times of MARx and either have not created, have not been theoretically supported to do this but have not been scholartiscally taken up the question?? the big big money question of the alternative  concrete and viable alternatives to  neoliberalism. Now that would be sexy, make my clit hard and intellectual and otherwise juices  flowing, besides of course the “variation of a hippie commune”:  no insult meant to folks who attempt to build fairly isolated, seperatist inclination therefore arrogant and self aggrandizing prone to authoritanism of ALL sorts, unchecked and a rampant self defeating use of power. If you ever wanted to know about what i think of the communities i’ve ever been a part off, there’s your answer well most of it, just add the it was an affirmation in the possibility and uses of struggle, resistance is neccessary and not futile and the power of a dream, not to sound like Dr king (check that boondocks episode where king wakes up from a coma..hilarious )

Common every shit has been happening, people affirming and pointing out my insecurities in an effort to 1) justify thier choices and actions that THEY not i have trouble legitimizes to themselves, thier social constructions of themselves and the careers based on said believed social constructions of themselves. 2) compete and undermine my OWN construction of self which somehow and ridiculously to me threaten them: put me in my place, when i’m NOT a good and grateful disabled girl..while all at the same time 3) trying to convince me that i need to maintain my links, position, social links and networks to them for the sake of said individual social constructions of selves towards end goal of neolibral progress while perpretrating as fucking My allies, helpers, friends..

Cases/proof/evidence/methodology

healthy fear and sckeptism of any people acting in so called good will or kindness where we’re talking about professions, ambitions, carreers, this is the market place, a competition a fierce one at that, scarcity mentality running in FULL GEAR…i try to be alert, and expect that there will be consistent and clear attacks of my credibility, “expertise”, know how, friendability, niceness, easy to be aroundability, employability and ability to be a good well position but moving independently towards her own goals so that  EVERYONE  is happy and glad to have her around though saddened and yet strangely inspired  by her bravery and  courage in the face of all the horror  she’s  survived.

I FEEL like i’m losing touch, like i’m going slightly mad, like i’m going quietly quietly mad, I feel paraNOID as fuck given the way that privilege and power on the domination axis operates..i loke at people, thier actions, thier words, the toxic fucking smiles, the manuering to constantly centre themselves and body narratives while pretending like they are not, or feigning guilt, apology and it manifests in my stomach i feel nauseated, my head wants to explode from the front and i feel COLD, chills down my spine everything kind of slows down and refocuses to the particular instant that i’m positive, convinced, clear about what i’m seeing, hearing, understanding and starting to believe wholehearted and i want to scream , to hide away, to look away and I CAN’T.

All the people fucking me over and out have meant that i must heed the warning, feel my instinct without fear and believe, stare and look indeed at the “HORROr” but my heart in shards, hardened and softened, with sore soft spot and my fragile, painstakingly lovingless, harshly, desperately self image as worthy of love, respect, life as HUMAN can barely survive for they mirror my innermost fears, desires, inclinations..that which i struggle with desperately, fighting daily in those moment seem be injected with a full lease on life..for i’m left feeling like a hopeless, useless, solitary idealist who has ALREADY compromised on her own ideals and has LITERALLY nothing to hold on to but two very very shaky and questionable lessons

a) a dream is raw power, power from which to struggle and struggle PAYS, if nothing else for self worth and growth and i KNOW i have nothing if i dont have myself. I will not die a lonely heartbroken rich woman, respected by all and admired by all or a few EXCEPT myself. I want to be held lovingly trustfully in love and hope and faith because i am a brilliant being. period

b) hope is precious, hope is worth fighting for.

Examples ofthe fuckery, disabled pprofessor giving disabled students F refusing to recognize power imbalance stating that his accomodations were not into account, disabled person made to feel too difficult for friendship/love because of the body she loves in, because of the body she loves. I dont know where to start TOday. it still hurts too much to tell.

How do i survive?

How do i NOT play the games?

How do i refuse to partcipate and fight for myself WITHOUT revenge?

Is there a diffrence between self defense and REvenge

When do i let it go?

will i ever EVER let it go?

How do i shake the feeling, like a soundtrack in my head that they are RIGHT? how i reject it? with integrity  and look and feel good while i’m at it?

Is any of this possible?

Maybe they are right and its just a pipe dream that i will be LOVED.