Its been super as in ultra busy, so busy, i don’t even know when/how i’m waking/sleeping eating ..i’m looking at myself in wonderment and hoping my body doesn’t give, increased tired equals increased miserability equals increased desire to consume since i aint really one for emotional eating unless a desire for MEAT as in steak counts then i spend all my money on stupid things like clothes for instance..jokes

Its 5:30 on a Friday night and what am I doing on the Friday night that marks the beginning of pride 2009? I am at the library working I just started my new job and already I’m working overtime, I feel mixed ways about it, I’m there calculating every hour I work, cant believe I just accepted the first pay they gave me without negotiating with them. At the same time i’m realizing that NOT everyone can do what i’m doing and thats why they are so freaking backlogged and i’m working REAL hard for what they’re offering but still…its good enough to pay the rent and land me in Nigeria by December…LOL. Who would have thought?? Assuming I curb my ridiculous spending habits and stop lusting after hermes purses, all things leather, REAL gold and shit…

Its pride and I’ve got fatphobia on my mind, the fact I created something this year, I do every year and that I should freaking just finish my undergrad course requirements and move on with my life. I’m thinking life is good in a bitter way. I’m feeling very very mournful of loved ones, friendships that i held dear but somehow my emotional/social landscape if you will is changing drastically.

Its PRIDE and this year, I don’t feel the exciteMENT, no hype or HYPERment either I don’t feel anything besides resenting that I have to go to parties and be well dressed cos eVERYONE will be out, the music will not be any better, I’ve got no bullshit agenda to deceive myself with and tell myself that I’m better than anyone so it aint fun. I’m just not that passionate about the whole thing. The contact I got specifically for pride, that came fREE lost, it sucks..looking to languishing in the heat and walking up and down though, that part is ALWAYS fun.

This year I aint fucking hiding from NOONE, I see you, don’t like you,I keep walking, don’t want to deal, I keep walking, if i think you’ve been especially harmful/hurtful to me i fucking cross the mofo street, no smiles unnecessarily, no pretending like a give a remote fuck…it will be good for me in that way to hold my own for sho…getting grown, we getting grown.

Library closed…gotta go