goal: 10 month commitment to this =140lbs (-100)
last month: Oct 09 = 250lbs
Archive for November, 2009
24
Nov
09
240lbs
Lately i’ve been very very emotional. I’m on a diet. I’m not sure if the two are related but as my trip to nigeria nears, as my perfect plans are foiled and i jump through one more hurdle and another one and another one, I continually pray that the universe conspires to send me home. Everything is emotional. Someone asks me if i’m excited to return home after so long and i nearly dissolve into tears in front of absolute strangers at a dinner part where wonds like fecundity, queer honomornative narratives, privilege and power and a neoliberal alternative to the brilliance of selling out to the radical theory that is capitalism is bandied about.
I was there to impress to stun with my intellect and grasp of theory so that i can create hype and see what happens from there NOt dissolve and appear as the living breathing contradictory easy “victim” that i can be.
I’m nervous about my trip, I’m nervous about going home to live in the same house where i was abused, i’m nervous that memories will invade my mind, i’m nervous that amidst all this i’ll be faced with the reality and violence of my family’s homophobia, its one thing over the phone several miles away and another face to face so i’ve been quietly preparing. I’ve gotten both sides of my head shaved and the back to be inscribed with love conquers all or something of a cheesy but resonating quality so that literally everytime i look in the mirror i’m reminded of who I am. That fact became clear early the fall as i seemed to meld into the hetero many….drastic change required. I’m happy to report that it has been effective, if in nothing else but as marking me in congruence with how i feel as distinctly and painfully and blessedly diffrent.
I’m on a diet, offf the top of my head there are several incidents that have motivated this new bout of insecurity transformed into a massive dash to achieve, acquire/attain *control* and also to fucking achieve power aka confidence, in particular body/self confidence. what Am I talking about: I’m talking about the realization that i need to totally up my game, trust my instincts, no more fuck for free in the hopes of being sex positive, we do not live in a sex positive such behaviour is culturally inappopriate except of course when dealing with likeminded sex positive individuals…what am i talking about? take for instance my relationship with the physically, emotionally and financially abusive ex husband fuck that take him and my last 4 lovers/partners with the exception of Jack.
ex girlfriend 1: WaAAAAAAy too old for me, partnered so i was secondary in an unnegotiated poly relationship and i’m telling you thats a bad rap for fucking 21 year old AND she had a kid. I should have been dating a hot butch, i had several opportunities or dude, who would take me on silly little dates and shit and we do homework together NOT babysitting and playing house, ESPECIALLy not nly to get hit and actually pay the bills and lose my student loan money. (ALL in the fucking name of thinking diffrent, not being ageist bu ut there has to be equality before those things can exist leading to think no relationships over 30 done and done) And If i’m going to get into a relationship with someone OVEr 30 you better be accomplished for 30, i better be a kept woman for real if your doing to be my sugar anything, I’m not saying be a capitalist pig but you better be taking care of me is all i’m saying
OR
Take bitch ass exgirlfiend 2 (REd); who proceeded to call my ass fat and disabled as if i din’t know and then gave these as reasons for not being able to date me and then upped it to the next level by turning around and kissing, thats right, making out with my supposed good friend in front of me and coming back with some tired/weak: but i didn’t know it was a boundary you had…point taken FUCK DEZ bitches. See with her I was on some next we’se african lesbian together, shared histories of truama evening her cheap make more money than me had me paying for shit…gotta step my game UP.
The Icing on the Cake Recently is that mutherfucker, the fuck me so good nigga, punk who i don’t even let me buy my $2 icecream from the truck, i pays for mine, i pay for EVERYTHING I EVER GOT. Don’t noboby buy me shit, i been giving this nigga free pussy for over a year for the sake of having a healthy, self controlled sexual adult NSA relationship, no drama. we don’t even pretend like we is friends. Two weeks ago i get from his mutherfucking 8 month preganant wife, and mother os his son! I’m like fuck this.
New rules: Get Skinny QUICK, sorry but i gotta be a prude, no pussy till i’m convinced you aint some mutherfucking low moral, female disrespecting, mysogynist, judgemental, fatphobic, ableist kinda person. Cause in that case, you don’t fucking deserve this good pussy right hurr. I gotta up my game. From now on no broke ass, emotionally bankrupt, no love, manipulative can see the beautiful universe, soul vampire shit. I’m praying praying to good for a cleansing of all such energies, persons and naysayers from my life.
Thats why i’m dieting. I think. If you figure it out, if it make sense to you, if anyone is reading, leave a comment cos i sure as hell can’t seem to connect the connect the dots except in a real clear neoliberal capitalist equation: increased skinniness+ incease value and worth coupled with my heart and appretion for the peopled in my life why i have only steady growth in growth balanced out by an increase in weightgain in the even that something should happen…like i get off this fucking WACKTASTIC DIET.
Like i cannot believe the shit skinny people do to fucking stay skinny: I’m thinking there’s something really fucking sinister to like have way too much that you choose NOT to eat it…the ultimate in the expression of western dominion, supremacy and fucking luxury.
Hence the emotions, I cry everytime someone asks me why i’m dieting: its a violation of my principles, its my sell out its my signal that i’ve lost all faith in the creation of an alternative world and its breaking my heart. I want my family to love me, I also don’t want to look too too difrent from who they use to know/see ten years ago…aside from the shaved sides thing..i don;t want to look and be a foreign and the biggest marker os my western existence and anxiety wiill be all 250 pounds of me along with my incredibly pale skin.
Back to weeping, for my loss. which one? you tell me?
I used to complain about how i don’t know where my anger went, its back and did i ever miss it! Its like an ball of hot fury in my chest that helps motivate me, its my own kick in the balls, its my fuck dese bitches and here’s how, it’s my swag, its a cool calculating clear seeing shield and filter, its my i’m gonna get it done, no matter what, its my i don’t take shit from noone..its my action, doing, moving emotion.
I’m tired of people and thier bullshit. I get it done 
