First of all… i would like to remain anonymous (to that effect i change names and little details here and there)..if you think you know me keep it to yourself. If you do know me and happen to stumble onto this blog please keep it to yourself however feel free to comment if you must.

married and seperated, a divorce, tallish, fattish, sometimes desperately trying to loose weight so that i can be powerful even though i should know better, queer and emotionally afraid of women and commitment (too many deep cut and scarring relationships and heartbreak) working on it though, loves to fuck/sexual deviant and radical, hates being alone but appreciates the space, and solitude that it affords, i live in an ableist world and suffer from chronic internalized ableism and hate admitting that i am sick/ill/different/gifted/whatever working towards  consistently being in a place of embodied power in my own skin like the “Binewski’s” without the criminal/homicidal/sociopathic hell on earth egomaniac incliniation…Currently questioning most everything i once used to tell myself i believed in: anti-oppression and power including feminism etc once thought of myself as radical lefty, now mostly conservative at best liberal with said radical lefty intentions/leanings. I sometimes/on occasion leave my house and no one knows this but i go into full anxiety attack thinking that people are looking at me and they think i’m weird, not dressed right, not cool enough, what if they see me and go and tell? and if i do then its usually in the security of a cab. Then there are tiimes when i’m too engrossed in my life, happy enough, content enough, looking/feeling good enough not to care!

I am a good cook, obsessed with (re) discovering naija food, love most anything with crayfish, love naija music, naija clubs and theorectically naija men and women too… now i try to be a good catholic, obsessed with saying the 15 st bridget prayers, the holy rosary and reading the bible if i don’t then i feel like god is punishing me for not respecting him and i think that my days of universe/goddesss worshiping are days of blasphemy even as i know that the religion is one of colonization…i’m fully aware. In real life most ppl are dissapointted that i am not as crazy as they expect me to be and end up calling me passive and them for some i’m way too out there which is often. I sit with the contradictions in my life and they rarely make any sense to me but i can live with it..i must be comfortable in my own damn skin and in my own head.

I want to be able to share my thoughts, uninhibited and clearly in real life and so this blog is to to facilitate that. It is my understanding and present belief at the moment that i need a space where i can write my thoughts to get clear on what i actually think so that i can develop a process for myself, so that i can be clear for myself so that i can hear my own voice loud and CLEAR from all the other competing voices in my head or at least start to shape amplify my personal voice so that when she speaks i can hear her distinctly, clearly and loudly.Please be advised that you may also find random musing of a psuedo academic nature on what i’m reading in my lectures…

what will i write about every and anything that pops into my head and my daily life: they include but are not in anyway limited and covered by: my divorce, nigeria and all things naija, fat femme affirmation and questioning, food, sex, kink, fetish, lesbian/queer stuff, lighter skinned ed ness and priivilege as well as disability, depression, music/hiphop, emotional, sexual, incest and abuse.

SIDE NOTE; I rarely edit, my words so one will more than likely run into numerous typos and misspellings and the other thing i use a lot of cuss words, i say fuck, shit, piss, mutherfucker, bastard, cock, pussy, cunt, vagina, sucker, fucker and other words that really are a daily part of my vocabulary. If you dont like it, keep it to your self. Go look for prim and proper somewhere else. My blog, my space, my space, my speech, my voice. Kapish!

1. PLEASE NOTE:

I had another blog but it was getting too complicated for me and too may people knew about it and whether i liked it or not , it was getting in the way of me doing/saying, writing what i thought and revealing as much of myself that i wanted to. This is because of my safety pure and simple, i have painfully become aware of how people will use information that **they** never thought they would use against you to attempt to control and manipulate ***inspite** of thier best intentions. That said i am/was with friends,lovers, partners and generally offered them and received and shared love among other things with *these people, they are not evil, monstruous, vampires, I might be tempted to forget but thats cos of my OWN issues cos obviously but they are NOT* This blog, is a diary of sorts for me. It is not a self promotion or social networking site. I am not trying to prove how political I am or share my insights with anyone. I am not trying to raise awareness, enlighten anyone, or find friends etc on here well except cyber commentators that would be welcome. I do not want to find out that all this while i am a excellent writer and i should have considered publishing long ago. NOTHING.I am not seeking unsolicited advice nor is it welcome. I want to send my thoughts into a deep black hole of a vortex and would like it to remain faceless. Period.