240lbs

goal: 10 month commitment to this =140lbs (-100)

last month:  Oct 09 = 250lbs

Big Fat Mess.. on living with contradictions

Lately i’ve been very very emotional. I’m on a diet. I’m not sure if the two are related but as my trip to nigeria nears, as my perfect plans are foiled and i jump through one more hurdle and another one and another one, I continually pray that the universe conspires to send me home. Everything is emotional. Someone asks me if i’m excited to return home after so long and i nearly dissolve into tears in front of absolute strangers at a dinner part where wonds like fecundity, queer honomornative narratives, privilege and power and a neoliberal alternative to the brilliance of selling out to the radical theory that is capitalism is bandied about.

I was there to impress to stun with my intellect and grasp of theory so that i can create hype and see what happens from there NOt dissolve and appear as the living breathing contradictory easy “victim” that i can be.

I’m nervous about my trip, I’m nervous about going home to live in the same house where i was abused, i’m nervous that memories will invade my mind, i’m nervous that amidst all this i’ll be faced with the reality and violence of my family’s homophobia, its one thing over the phone several miles away and another face to face so i’ve been quietly preparing. I’ve gotten both sides of my head shaved and the back to be inscribed with love conquers all or something of a cheesy but resonating quality so that literally everytime i look in the mirror i’m reminded of who I am.  That fact became clear early the fall as i seemed to meld into the hetero many….drastic change required. I’m happy to report that it has been effective, if in nothing else but as marking me in congruence with how i feel as distinctly and painfully and blessedly diffrent.

I’m on a diet, offf the top of my head there are several incidents that have motivated this new bout of insecurity transformed into a massive dash to achieve, acquire/attain *control* and also to fucking achieve power aka confidence, in particular body/self confidence. what Am I talking about: I’m talking about the realization that i need to totally up my game, trust my instincts, no more fuck for free in the hopes of being sex positive, we do not live in a sex positive such behaviour is culturally inappopriate except of course when dealing with likeminded sex positive individuals…what am i talking about? take for instance my relationship with the physically, emotionally and financially abusive ex husband fuck that take him and my last 4 lovers/partners with the exception of Jack.

ex girlfriend 1: WaAAAAAAy too old for me, partnered  so i was secondary in an unnegotiated poly relationship and i’m telling you thats a bad rap for fucking 21 year old AND she had a kid. I should have been dating a hot butch, i had several opportunities or dude, who would take me on silly little dates and shit and we do homework together NOT babysitting and playing house, ESPECIALLy not nly to get hit and actually pay the bills and lose my student loan money. (ALL in the fucking name of thinking diffrent, not being ageist bu ut there has to be equality before those things can exist leading to think no relationships over 30 done and done) And If i’m going to get into a relationship with someone OVEr 30 you better be accomplished for 30, i better be a kept woman for real if your doing to be my sugar anything, I’m not saying be a capitalist pig but you better be taking care of me is all i’m saying  

OR

Take bitch ass exgirlfiend 2 (REd); who proceeded to call my ass fat and disabled as if i din’t know and then gave these as reasons for not being able to date me and then upped it to the next level by turning around and kissing, thats right, making out with my supposed good friend in front of me and coming back with some tired/weak: but i didn’t know it was a boundary you had…point taken FUCK DEZ bitches. See with her I was on some next we’se african lesbian together, shared histories of truama evening her cheap make more money than me had me paying for shit…gotta step my game UP.

The Icing on the Cake Recently is that mutherfucker, the fuck me so good nigga, punk who i don’t even let me buy my $2 icecream from the truck, i pays for mine, i pay for EVERYTHING I EVER GOT. Don’t noboby buy me shit, i been giving this nigga free pussy for over a year for the sake of having a healthy, self controlled sexual adult NSA relationship, no drama. we don’t even pretend like we is friends. Two weeks ago i get from his mutherfucking 8 month preganant wife, and mother os his son! I’m like fuck this.

New rules: Get Skinny QUICK, sorry but i gotta be a prude, no pussy till i’m convinced you aint some mutherfucking low moral, female disrespecting, mysogynist, judgemental, fatphobic, ableist kinda person. Cause in that case, you don’t fucking deserve this good pussy right hurr. I gotta up my game. From now on no broke ass, emotionally bankrupt, no love, manipulative can see the beautiful universe, soul vampire shit. I’m praying praying to good for a cleansing of all such energies, persons and naysayers from my life.

Thats why i’m dieting. I think. If you figure it out, if it make sense to you, if anyone is reading, leave a comment cos i sure as hell can’t seem to connect the connect the dots except in a real clear neoliberal capitalist equation: increased skinniness+ incease value and worth coupled with my heart and appretion for the peopled in my life why i have only steady growth in growth balanced out by an increase in weightgain in the even that something should happen…like i get off this fucking WACKTASTIC DIET.

Like i cannot believe the shit skinny people do to fucking stay skinny: I’m thinking there’s something really fucking sinister to like have way too much that you choose NOT to eat it…the ultimate in the expression of western dominion, supremacy and fucking luxury.

Hence the emotions, I cry everytime someone asks me why i’m dieting: its a violation of my principles, its my sell out its my signal that i’ve lost all faith in the creation of an alternative world and its breaking my heart. I want my family to love me, I also don’t want to look too too difrent from who they use to know/see ten years ago…aside from the shaved sides thing..i don;t want to look and be a foreign and the biggest marker os my western existence and anxiety wiill be all 250 pounds of me along with my incredibly pale skin.

Back to weeping, for my loss. which one? you tell me?                     

 

 

the uses of anger, i’m just angry

I used to complain about how i don’t know where my anger went, its back and did i ever miss it! Its like an ball of hot fury in my chest that helps motivate me, its my own kick in the balls, its my fuck dese bitches and here’s how, it’s my swag, its a cool calculating clear seeing shield and filter, its my i’m gonna get it done, no matter what, its my i don’t take shit from noone..its my action, doing, moving  emotion.

I’m tired of people and thier bullshit. I get it done

queer naija alliance!!… :)

check it out..hope will never die

are you claiming fat?

just a quick rant. I have to have this one female lover of mine who was skinner than me, i’m not even on the larger scale of FAT, I’m a size 20, back then used to be an 18, closer to 17 actually, anyways this woman was NEVER more than a 16 in her late thirties and ALWAYs claimed FATness, yes she wasn’t skinny, true she wasn’t a size 8, 10, or even a 12 but there is no dount whatsoever in my mind that she was a size 18 MAX, not that i’m the fat police  BUT that was the skinniest i’d EVER be, i mean i did come down to a 14 but that was facilitared by a bunch of fucked up choices…

I just think its funny in this times of postmodern socalled radical feminist performance cos none of it is more than that, from where i’m sitting…that people are desperate to seek out anbd claim ”oppression “  or victimhood. In her case it is partucularly mindfuckling because she spoke a game about personal responsibility and accountability while utilizing and exploitating her priviledge position amongets other les privileged folk than her to encourage them to realize thier agency and realize thier full potential, be her, act her, believe her, do her…if u dont understand me. Its ok, just a nte on the contradictory predatory behaviour of some sadly older supposed radical feminists i know, from a bitter disullusioned once- minion and pedetalizer…who was really only seeking mentorship, support and guuidance…sucjh is life in queer community. I trust that i will continue to dream.

If this post make ABSOLUTELY no sense to you, its cool, i’m more trying to make a note to myself

random thought on food and eating

So in case it hasn’t of course occured to you yet, that is of course assuming you are indeed a frequent/regular enough reader to know what the fuck i’m talking bout in any case..i’m Fat, a fattie, overweight with the largest thick est est thunder thights and flabby arms..i mean ima decent size 22…seemingly gone down 2 whole dress seixes to a size 20 since last winter which is rather SHOCKIng…I want to be clear, i’m not in denial, i have internalized fatphobia that means at times i look at my legs, glorous thunder thighs they are are observe the numerous florishing pimpleification caused by the presence of what is known as/ referred to mostly as cellulite and become filled with trepidation fear of being reffered to as a fat dimpled COw…and my excitement, joy and general feeling of enthusiasm for the upcoming/ prepared for adventure, outingm gathering, event whatever starts to resemble something of a horrific nightmare constructed the oyibo wu agbara fucking geniuses of domination…all of a sudden i’m in the matrix deperately needing to recall all the self loving feminist affirming big woman appreciating words that oft flow from the lips of my lovers a recent one told me…i don’t like nothing small …that brought/still brngs a smile to my face everytime i think of him

In anycase, i was/have been very very uber conscious of my diet most of this summer, exercising, walkinging eating veggies, salads no beers and steak dinner, now i work in a feminist womens institution and most of the women are on a diet! serious ones, people on pills, dust, patches, meal delivery, everything you can think of and i find myself reacting VERY negatively and in resistance to this general aura of fat detestation, feminine desperation and adoration of the skinny girls in the office who appear to be effortlessly skinny eating still only half thier lunch for the whole day, drinking only water never juice or pop, never ever eating the cake at a bithday/celebration…i was so pissed we bought this really expensice DELICIOUs glutun, sugar, flour everything free and that wasted it..nibbling never actualling swallowing the damned thing and being so “full”

In reaction, i’ve been a LOT more that iusually do, drinking waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more juice/pop than i usually do, i desist from those things because of the hgh sugar, i’m trying not to be a sugar/crack addict…anywaysI’ve been eating breakfast snacks constantly eating and its got to stop, I’m not going to change my diet in response to other people, but i feel strongly compelled, i will never be a skinny bitch EVER.

i denounce all things that are involved in the cultural epistomelogy of self dug grave that is the miserable, insecure skinny bitch

missing people

Today is one of those days when ALL i want is the company of a familiar person, while i do my dishes, moan and groan about how difficult my life is…someone who can cook, offer me some care that is kind, loving and geniume..i miss my dear friend today.

So i’m walking in my neighbourhood, which appears to be experiencing an influx of black and non caucasian folks..i’ve been seeing and encountering a lot of friendly, mature seeming, and open to engagement/small talk people which has exited me to no end..or maybe i’m just hanging out more in my neighbourhood…either way..today i’m stepping out of second cup with my latte in hand, thinking its going to be a good day, passport here..i’m for sure reaching naija and overall feeling very content with my breakfast in hand when a guy from sierra leone, beautiful man, flashes me this grilled smile!…   

 

Called me as soon as i step into the office and says he’ll call right after five! I’m excited… Oh AND then on my way to work i discover a Beautiful earthenware pot… 

Here’s to making space in my life to be pleasantly surprised by unexpected encounters :)

I dey go Naija

I’m going home! I’m going to Nigeria..its official, its offical, god i’m been filled with the indescribable sense of joy that flows from my centre.nothing can distrupt it, its the settling feeling that my life is worth living. Its been over a decade since i stepped foot on my motherland.

The best part every dime is MINE

phone drama

So two days ago my phone died, the thing just kpeme, nothing short of a sacrifice of $200 would bring it back to life. You see, I’ve been committed to using a phone with a qwerty keyboard, i’m an admitted textaholic, i go text you before i call you, i go call you once i talk finish, i dey text my mama on the regular for Naija and my papa self dey send me blessings and prayers for text. I need my doddammed phone. To make matters worse, my home phone was FUCKEd up because i been dey call naija, fucking west of Canada everywhere on my home phone and racked up a SENSELESS bill.

No home phone, no internet, what i need is my phone.

Anyways i go to the bell store – Now out of all the mobility providers here in Canada, i’ve been with bell, its like a marriage, we curese, fight, separate, go to collections and back but i always return to bell. My loyalty was solidified with bell because when Virgin mobile, T mobile, Rogers(dem laugh me for there), Solo, Telus and even sprint back when i was homeless, didn’t have a permanent address and no real documented income…I called bell one day, from Robarts library at UofT, i got this east African, very likely young Somalian woman on the phone who gave me a plan, a one year plan at that, and put a spending cap on it..SIMPLE! that enabled to take calls, take temp jobs as they came up and reduced the feeling say i dey suffer for this here Cana..so i stayed with bell. Have stayed with them no matter what.

Yesterday though was my last straw, first of all, thunder fire that pot bellied middle aged crisising old queen ass Italian mutherfucker who look my phone finish talk say sorry I can’t help you! Bell plan no cover water damage But it was my charger that was damaged (another reason not to have people over to your mutherfucking house who do shit without looking/checking to see what damage they are causing) 

Imagine me O! No phone, I was supposed to call my supervise and koola some long story, no go!, number i forget, address for meeting wey i don late for…dey notes for my phone, numbers my phone, EVERYTHING my phone.

Yesterday i called them and gave them a piece of my mind…shout but this time i was serious, they said..ok take the sumsung acer, i’m like fuck that if you EVER catch me near a Samsung again shoot me. Either nokia or LG, nothing else. LG get water problem Nokia ‘s are the best except they are so fucking ugly!

All to say guess who has free text messaging, browsing, call display etc for under 50, that right!. The lesson here? Boundaries..they work!

On another note, its been two days of freedom from calls, texting, wanting someone to call, alarm with the phone, i’m TOOOO dependent on the phone, i get phantom rings!!!!