This Page is a a collection of my thoughts and issues relating to my body i want to record my process and the diffrent ways that i actually in truth think about my body with the goal of getting to a place of TOTAL LOVE and self confidence in alignment with MY personal beliefs and desires for my body.

I think it is RIDICULOUS: as in a part of western colonization, the ways that black women are constructed as fat and ugly, overweight and unhealthy and unattractive, FAT phobia plus race plus ableism all rolled into one not to mention peoples fucked up stuff about playing sports, athleticism and constructions of the “fit body”/ “healthy body” the neoliberal implications of the exportation of western ideals of beauty all over the world and the fact that ME, i am fucking thinking about throwing up my food when i CANNOT afford the food that i do have, when i’m broke i eat more fast food cos i eat to just eat not go hungry, i can’t go hungry, i didn’t come to canada to fucking go hungry because i want to be skinny but i dont want people thinking i’m fat, i’m not hot, like they’re doing me a fucking favor to find me desirable because i’m fat.

I want to love my body and i have days when i’m dressed right, feeling hot, and loving my body but there are days when i come real close to throwing up after EVERY MEAL, I’m bulimic and i’m SO close to relapse that i’m scared.

•  I think one i’m single. I haven’t been single like this in a while. As in looking, searching actually desiring for someone to love me i feel insecure. i feel like i have to look good all the time for this reason, i have to keep up with the trends, go shopping which means dealing with the stress of finding plus size clothes, coming up with the funds for them comparing those funds to cost of food, tuition, rent and i get overwhelmed just thinking about everything and all i can think of is start puking your guts out so that my next summer, you can go the beach in nigeria and wear a bathing suit without fear of being referred to as cellulitis whale blubber in flamingo pink, i can buy 2 for $5 jeans at stitches and get it over with but no i have to stay fat. 
• Exercise HURTS, kills my joints, no one to show me, i’m ALREADY so tired i freak out at the thought of doing something exhaustive but i will start exercising more if for nothing else but because i want to tone up and lose the cellulite. I like rools of fat, truth be told except for stomach, no one thinks its sexy to have a big stomach like i have friends WHO do not EAT, they can go a whole day and only eat once a day and that once a day is like a sandwich, and coffee and thats it. I dont want to be like them i trulu believe that a woman should not be this delicate emasculated thing with a flat stomach and you can see bones and angles…people should have girth, substance, thickness to them but its so easy for skinny girls of the world. 
• I was bulimic in high school, i was a size 16, i walked for 2 hours every weekend, i’m not meant to be skinny. I believe that the idea that our bodies are “fit” is a definite construction but i do want to start to sculpt my body into what i want which is muscle to this end i joined boxing boot camp
• I dont want yoga, i want to eat and be myself with muscles and a high metabolism without being a gym bunny. I prefer ripped to skinny and emaciated. 
• As the fat girl with joint issues ppl think its the fatness that is gurting my joints i hate it SOOOOOOOO much i want to scream i’m like you think that if my heel didnt hurt from walking two blocks in ways you cannot begin to comprehend i would be afraid of running? walking longer? Sadly i remember loving aerobics, walks, even running in high school but that is the one thing that my disability has taken from me that has also snowballed into this fat thing. I dont want to call up my supercrip do it anyways cos those days i drank i small bottle of advil a month, i had gallstones the next year…not going back there.

Yesterday i wanted to puke so bad, in the morning i ate 2 slices of bread, 2 hotdog weiners, mayo, wine for brunch and wanted to puke it but didn’t. Then nothing else all day untill later i had a mcchicken combo and wanted to puke but didnt.Today small bowl oatmeal, nothing else till evening i had a burrito, i’m home now and i really want to eat something else like a bowl of jollof rice and sardines but will feel like that is WAY too much food for the day. Its almost twelve midnight even though i intend to stay up late, i guess i’ll wait i’ll go eat now a small bowl i hard its not good to eat when ur VERY hungry cos u eat more and i dont want to stop eating instead i dont mind i can easily eat less but more times a day.

No puking today or tommorow morning.

I need to be me for me. I really just want to be the person i want to be, the person i want the rest of the world to be like, someone i would want to fall in love with. I want to be in love with myself, if i met who struggled with her body image felt fearful, dressed herself well and ate when she wanted to while trying to scuplt her body (need to work on strength and build up of muscle FOR SURE) would i love her…ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY