yesterday night at around 1am, i hadn’t had any dinner and before that i got high and ate what was supposed to be my dinner the night before but i couldn’t eat in front of people. i an increasingly finding myself not being comfortable eating in front of people..mainly EVER since i’ve noticed the looks of disgust on people/ “friends” faces as i ate. fat women are NOt allowed to eat.

i put my fingers down my throat and heaved out about half of what i’d eaten and it felt good. I loved the food but dont love the fat, dont love the tooth decay and impending burning of my oesophagus but it felt good, i instantly felt like my stomach was lighter, less portuding and less guilty about eating so late, I promised to eat a medium breakfast, no lunch then dinner at six along with a lot of walking today.

Ever since she clearly brought up my body in a negative way like she hated it and couldn’t see herself being loving, is the reason she hasn’t been loving, might be the reason why we’ve been in this limbo …aside from the pain that pierced my heart that we are finally over and that my fat cost me my relationship with her, that my disability was to blame for me losing one of the relationships/even getting a real shot at a relationship with her.

I feel like that’s it, thats the last straw. i should do WHATEVER it takes to get skinny. As skinny as i can get. I know that i can do, i have done it before, not eat, puke oput when i do all while ridiculously exercising thats when i met so many people, that is almost when i felt the most desirable..people stopping me when i’m walking down the street….

question will i hate people when this is the price i’ve paid for them to love me, can i even fuck again?