its called being assertive not selfish: notes on living with truama + relationships…

1: identified pattern: saying I don’t want to do something and doing it anyways..communicates weakness and allows people to take advantage, communicates that they can get it from me anyways, if I don’t care enough about how I feel not to do it why should they? I’ve got to learn to totally put myself first not them and its called being assertive not selfish

Yesteday’s counseling session was good for me. I got my ass kicked by my counselor and it felt good that and the fact that I took advil followed by four shots will make anyone feel good I imagine J (yes I’m fully ware of my escapism) Anyways, we talked about what it means that I have a pattern of abusive relationships and follow them one after the other, that I end up somehow communicating that it is ok for me not to get my needs met and therefore permit the abuse to happen. where and how I learnt this behaviour is written all over my childhood. As a woman living with a disability I was raised to put EVERYONE and everything else before myself, I was to ALWAYS come last if I was to be a good woman, if people were going to forget that I had a disability and perhaps look kindly at me and let me in the rant and all of my childhood abusers forced me to put their needs first. Even when I got raped I’ll never forget my mother telling me that I need to basically NEVer tell anyone if I was going to succeed in life and by that she really meant get married which I did and fucked up (by her standards anyways) so 1 for me, 1 for mom.

As an aside I really like jack..emotionally he actually takes care of me, I don’t feel like I have to struggle and fight for my needs to be met sexually and emotionally just financially na im be the prob. In fact he encourages to state my needs and tries to anticipate and meet them. With all my other lovers I feel like it’s a constant battle where people just want to take from you and will take as much as they can whether you are willing or unwilling. This makes me so fucking sad and angry at the same time because then it means they are being dishonest and don’t really give a rat’s ass…they have no real integrity. It also means that they are lieing if they say they care for m or at least what caring is to them is not what it is to me.

I was thinking about all of this because of red and my ex husband and his complete disregard for me and my needs, even the sexual/basest of needs. It looks like the same pattern is about to rear its ugly head in relation to red, I’m starting to get that feeling that I’m not good enough.unworthy and its such an alarm in my head: but it is immediately followed by double talk on my part, self doubt and hyper critical ness..(I’m like, no I know she is not him but we did have a relationship that was fucked in its own way but that I tried really hard to save from descending into the very abyss of hell, and it is the same me that she is dealing with post ex husband…) in reality I’m not used to putting myself in the centre of my own relationships with people and when I do then I feel totally and completely ill at ease..literally.

Red says that she wants to have intimacy cuddle, kisses, touches, caresses, no fucking, I told her from the beginning and have consistently let her know that I want to be more than friends but I can live with being friends..i want her in my life. I’m not sure about all that intimacy that goes no where. But she goes back and forth and in that process according to my counselor I’ve communicated to her by cuddling with her anyways and leaving the door so wide open (by making it abundantly clear that I want a relationship with her no matter the cost, I’ve pretty much said this to her- actual words) that I’ll do it anyways even though that’s not what I want making it harder for me to get me needs met when she can get all of her needs met. And at the same time get to FREAK out that we are having a not quite lovership type of relationship. I’m not freaked out at all, I’m like that’s the end game…I don’t know what her end game is. All I want is to have her (and she is presently a stand in for most of the relationships, future and presnt )in my life under the best and most long term conditions.

So it’s looking like it will be hard, hard to set up boundaries, hard to actually refuse to do the things that I say and know that I do not want to do, I feel fearful, that if I do not do these things or act the way that people want me to act then I’ll lose them. Isn’t that the way life is? I mean that’s basically what I learnt from the collective, that’s what I’ve learnt from most people in my life but LORD knows I’m working hard and trying to get to a place where I can be who I am and fully welcome and invite people into my life trusting that they will appreciate me for who I am, that regardless of what they do or are willing/unwilling to do I will have my boundaries solid and firm.

That’s what my fear, really is about that if I don’t do what people want or say then I wont have them in my life, it makes it hard for me to even acknowledge my needs/ wants and by the time that I do its too late. I wish I could have helped out EVEN more and did this with my ex-husband that’s someone else that I did love so much that now I’m not even willing to let him hurt me anymore, I want to protect some of the good times that we had, the warm fuzzy moments that get eroded by every nasty thing that he does, the same with red, I’m fighting to hold on to the moments where I feel I actually experienced what it means to be/ feel loved and to share that with someone. That’s all love really is, isn’t it?

University institutionalized counselling services

I’m at my wits end. I’m mean and harsh to the one good friend i have left. I cant do my readings, cant exercise will not stop eating, nothing that i used to love doing like organizing my files hold any allure. All i do is watch tv and crappy tv nothing i like and love, no lost, no dexter desperate housewives and degrassi???

Today i admitted it. I have a problem and i need help to the ivory tower people. I signed myself up as one of the “crazies” who cannot handle the pressure. I know how the world worls one day they will want to do a psyche evaluation or something of the sort and they will find me “unstable”. Its pure joy, how the very institution the perpetuates domination, standards that do not take into account diffrences in peoples lives or rather is designed to eliminate and weed out the weak, not so tough, redfined as simply did not make the cut and stupid can offer “anti-oppression/feminist” counselling. I almost burst out laughing. Quite frankly i want a psychiatrist who will simplt teach me offer me tools that will enable me to grin and bear it….and fucking function. All i want at this point is to be functional, to have money and to keep up the appearance that me and my life is fucking peachy. I dont want some misguided and overly privileged telling me to give myself time and feel the pain while my fucking grades slip and i lose my chances of a post graduate scholarship. Period.

But i do desperately need a human talk to, someone who i dont care about, someone who i will not feel like i have burdened unneccessarily and who i know has thier problems, someone who i know will not change the way they percieve me. someone who gets paid to listen to my thoghts….

So i have an appt with a white privileged feminist anti-oppression counsellor who i already think is full of shit and has tons of activist gulit about her privilege and abilities most likely but i’ll have to keeo myself in check and try and get her to do her fucking job and help me. I need to get through this year even it it fucking kills me.

The only thing i seem to be able to do, easily and without it feeling like so much of a chore is sit and write my thoughts on this blog…not much else except keep my cat fed and apartment clean and fuck.

I wish i had rich parents/benefactors that would encourage to take some time off school, explore the world, heal and feel my feelings instead here i am looking for a way to shove my feelings into a cold box somewhere in my person so that i can thaw them much later and feel them piece by piece just so i don’t have all these cripplingthoughts of fear, despair, fear, total despair at the hurt and pain that others have felt completely justified to offer to me and the fact that i allowed it because i was feeling like i am now, lonely, miserable and anything will do to make the pain go away. anything to make it ease, ANYThing to make it break so i can catch my breath just for a little bit.

Sometimes it gets so bad i can feel the tensionin my head, it hurts i feel the tension headache materialing and my stomach wrenches, i wonder why i dont have rock hard abs from the wrenching……My mind, my thoughts are spinning out of control, its all i can do to stop them, i’m trying to think positive, focus…its not working, i distract myself by doing something physical keep myself engrossed in the motions thats why typing is good for me maybe.

I dont even listen to music anymore, my radio everything used to be on 24hrs always now its quiet i can hear the woman upstairs the african couple beside me, they must think i’m crazy. they NEVER see me, i dont leave my unit for days at a time and if i do its to go get some guy…my friend made an observation that i must admit even that is a distraction but it has almost always been for me so whatever….

The dishes are calling…

In the mean time, i have a thursday appt with the counsellor..i’m excited at least i’ll leave my house on a fucking thursday morning and hopefully stay out and get some work done..hooray

counselling log: abandonment “issues”

Aight so today was a good day regardless of the nasty day mostly due to the encounter with the toxic crap that the ex hubby NEVER seems to run out of. In any case, I did a little reading recommited to my school work and went to bed at say 8-9pm with the intention to wake up in the middle of the night (don’t laugh i actually used to do this, back in the day when i still thought that higher education and academia was about learning but thats another post). I woke up you guessed it, at like 7pm well in all fairness my alarm woke me up but then i looked at the thing and just went to back to sleep. I got at like 7am, decided to get organized so i could make it to class did the dishes (did i mention that i’ve been doing the dishes now every 3-4 days!!) Thats just ridiculous i don’t want to have “visitors”, my buidling definitely has a pest problem and i’ve been keeping it under control with pest treatments every other week and they’ve for the most part stayed away but if i keep this up they are sure as hell to return.

ANYWAYS….to cut the long story short. Part of my getting OUTside of the house and trying to live for myself program has involved ACTUALLY making it to counselling which ever since the divorce i’ve been VERY VERY VERY sketchy about the whole thing. So anyways I get to talking, and the topic of my mother and my feelings regarding my mother and he reaction to all of this and her role in my life through all of this and SHE jumped on it, sunk her teeth in and wouldn’t let go….questions, questions, questions….

She said that i seemed to have SO many feelings and that i was joking them away but that underneath all the jokes and even my understanding there mUSt be something more I said yes of course, of course there is something more..i just don’t want to go there. Well, i told her that in the past and i’m taking a couple of years when i shared such issues with people who were supposed/claimed to love and care for me it was utilized with another emotional agenda (THIERS) and i was left to deal with the repercussions of my actions as a result BUT also that it scarred me in ways that have left me wondering how usefull it is to share, process the feelings that i have about my family (as i write that down i realize how stupid that is because its for my own good anyways to continue to beat it, process it and work on it as much as i can). I also said that i wanted to deal with the bottled up and unexpressed feelings so that maybe i could either have the relationship that i have always wanted with my mother or fund some peace with it and get some clarity on my part so that i can feel confident about being a mother.

Through all this divorce stuff, unlike all the other varying relationships i have had, my mother was there in ways that i had never imagined. I leaaned heavily on her for the moral support that i needed to deal with ex hubby and she was constantly unflinchingly inmy corner and it felt good. WHY?

It felt good cos it was a little surprising, i was expecting her to yell, cuss me out etc but she reserved all judgements at least untill later and just problem solved with me, after the numerous betrayals i had encountered with so called loved ones, it was good to be affirmed and validated like that. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I have always wanted a relationship where i could actually tell her anything and she would fight on MY corner, not the mutherfucker who raped me, not the ex, not my dad…JUST ME.

And I’m glad because this time, i was there, enough words, screams, yells and blaming had passed between the both of us that i think this time she was actually able to take care of me for once, regardless of what anybody would say or do.

Anyways..now that everybody knows that i love my mother and and have unfailing blood bound loyalty to her.

Detox…please tell us about the times you felt abandoned, neglected, rejected, unwanted, like a heavy burden that they did not want any part of not to mention carry so that you have to chase them down so that they will carry it, even though for most of your life up untill you came out and they told you that you couldn’t come home anymore, at least not like that, and then you SERIOUSLY started considering and exploring non bio family options and constructions that did not go very well, which they smugly blamed you for and that makes me feel like if they weren’t such demanding, blood sucking, insensitive, willingly ignorant and unkind people that kicked you out of thier little family and banished you to exile in this cold cold agbara of a place then there would have been no problem in the face  but then again it doesn’t matter cos even there i was thier little child that was disabled who made them uncomfortable so they decided that she wasn’t REALLY REALLY disabled, how fucking convenient because she was REALLY REALLY REALLY disabled and she found that out that she was REALLY REALLY unfixably and unpretendably disabled and they just all continued to pretend like it never so yeah i’m fucking pissed, hurt, cant believe it, don’t like thinking it, there is a gap in my head about what my family have told me they are and what i hoped they would be and what they actually ARE.

Support for all the above stated are as follows

• When i was little, my parents would periodically forget me in random places, in school, babysitters house, friends house, once they left me there late in the night in YABA!!!!! we lived closer to mile 12/satellite side. sometimes, i’d wait and wait and wait and then i’d find my way home and other times i’d try and call them and they would all of a sudden remember, or there was no fuel in the car, or they would have to send someone to come and pick me up by bus or they would find the driver and come and pick me up. The worst part? THERE WAS NEVER EVER EVER AN APOLOGY, no sorry honey heres an extra slice of cake. I’d come home, sulk, not eat, go to bed and nobody would say shit to me untill me too i just follow them “forget” as them dey talk am say na you go tire, in regard to my family and silence…yes, name tire. Oh wait..and then later on i got the rep for holding shit in well WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT? Now, several failed relationships later and i am proud to say that in my last relationship there was very considerably little of that, cos if i held it in, i might find my head bashed up againt a mofo wall….there was very little holding of anything in. I learnt to express myself, not because i wanted to, or because i thought it was healthy no, i learnt because if i didn’t my boundaries would get crossed in fact they would dissappear and i just couldn’t afford to let that happen. It would have been very very very risky.
• alone
• caretaker
• blamed me for the abuse
• pretend i’m not sick
• not calling/checking to see if i’m still fucking alive

to be continued in more detail later  (time limit up)