Its 3pm, i strolled into work @ 12 pm …another fucking benefit of living with a disability (Ok so i’m very bitter about all my ablebodied so called friends and every other fucking bitch ass disabled or not that even thinks that the fucking argument of taking advantage of “fucking accommodations makes ANY sort of remote sense..WHY ? go read a fucking book: check under the normalizing, dominating, oppressive, position of the ‘’healthy/fit/normal body and the ridiculous unearned privilege and entitlement ” thats the most i can do for your ass….)
Point is, i’m feeling drained, stressing about money, stressing about the people/lack of healthy/supportive relationships in my life, stressing about how i’m supposed to live my life as i’m surrounded by albeit unwitting agents of domination??????
I think most importantly i’m heartbroken…people are assholes, JERKs, unfeeling self centred, egotistically beings thats how we think we neeed to survive. I’m just so distrusting and fearful of everyone around me right now….EVERYONE…i might be losing my mind.
Can someone be ableist and love me? I cannot let myself that someone who cannot admit that they are ableist is NOT ableist…the first step towards not being ableist is to admit that you are…
To watch ppl be like you need counselling/help/support: WHAT the fuck is that shit about? Its slimy nasty to me its like a fucked up way of silencing/pathologizing that allows people to refuse to deal/engage with you…demanding individual western individual health/ways of being – talk to your counsellor not to me…
I’m trying to work….take my mind of this shit, what am i expected to do?
In friendship/lovership: you gotta develop your standards for how you want to treated… i’m sure i’m recreating the wheel, i need to find my ‘magickal’ friends/hope that those i already have with embrace the magic of our relationship…either way i need to find supportive folks/peer s around this shit…
I feel sad because I feel mostly alone, I do not feel abandoned by people in my life by the people who I know love me I just feel like I’m all alone. This time though it feels really really sad. I feel sad that I do not have my family there to share the minutia of my life. I feel sad that when the going gets tough I don’t really have a shoulder to lean on, no comfort, no support besides coffee/dinners that last for 6hours at the most not no sustained forever dependent on almost guilted into doing shit for you kind of comfort. The sad part is that I have family, I have people who love me and can and are willing to offer me that kind of presence but I’m just not with them anymore…we are not together anymore….we do not live together anymore…and my family is dispersed over various continents.
I mourn that loss. The mourning and sense of loss I feel is overwhelming.
For the past week I haven’t really done anything, I’ve barely left my home..twice only, buth times to events that I’d precommitted myself to. I’ve left my bed for the following reasons: to cook/dish food that I bring back to my bed, to feed my darling cat, to charge the phone and to let a guest who came to visit into my home. Today I made it out to the library.
It’s sad that everyone is so busy living their own lives. I don’t know what to do, I’m horribly codependent and almost for the first time in my life, I have no clear path dedicated and seth in motion for me. I have no distractions, I stopped drinking so much, no more getting high even and I’m watching my diet by that I mean the ways that I emotionally eat, right now I only eat when I’m hungry and I don’t deny myself anything.
It feels like my brain is fuzzy, cloudy, that I can perceive and understand things ultra clear in my head and see peoples motives and power manuervers and intentions so brightly clearly and with suich certainty that its startling and yet I don’t know what to do with that information, like I don’t act as if I see what’s going on..all it makes me is SAD. Not angry maybe a little resentful but sad ok maybe angry mucho angry too.
I feel like I can’t focus and concentrate on anything, I’m not functional. I haven’t even cleaned my home, I can’t bring up the gumption to do things that used to give me great satisfaction like my clean apartment and yet I feel like I’m having these great revelations about myself, about my life, the way that people perceive me and engage with me.
I’m worried that I’m fucking EVERYTHING up, like this is somekind of crucial set your life up year and I’m not doing something that I’m supposed to be doing.
I don’t expect myself to be chirper and happy go lucky all the time, should I be surprised that I feel this way? Today out with some I guess work colleagues I almost broke into tears from the fucked up ways that people were competing, pissing contest on sufferinf fucked people of colour fighting over fucking trickled down carrots shit…depressed me right down to my soul. I just wanted to start balling. I need to move to a place of power with this shit and figure what IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want to do about MYYYYYYYYYYYY world, how IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want my universe and my world to be like, I cant keep crying everytime something shitty happens, I really hope I get past this soon enough.
I want love, I want to feel loved, appreciated cared for supportive, healthy,, non codependent, guilt tripping, I’ll be there to do your laundry when you’re sick or come over and eat ice cream with you while you cry love. I want friends that say what is one their minds, that offer and generously and respectfully within boundaries give this love, I wahnt to give this love to myself, I want to forgive myself for all the choices I’ve made in mylife instead of colluding with people’s fucked up shit to punish me shit, I don’t need an abusive relationship to kick the shit out of me so that I constantly feel like shit. I want to give myself permission to succeed to get good grades, to utilize the skills and tools that I have to use resources that will move me to where I want to go. I want to have the grace to stop fearing how powerfull I can be, to stop fearing what I can “get away” with, to indulge myself, to make mistakes, to play with myself, to not be so self conscious, to be myselof no matter the company I keep for myself not cos its cool,or cos I’m better but because I want to. I want to love myself more than anybody could ever love me only so that maybe one day I won’t need someone to love me so much…
I can’t wait till I get there.
Untill then I write my essays see if I can make it through this school year and cry when I need to.
Last night i met a questioning igbo woman, it turns out we know the same folks, go to the same university and all it took for us to connect was one well positioned introduction. We hung out, talked about our families, visiting nigeria, the city, and in the background we played osadebe, oliver decoque, dbanj, i ate and she watched, by the end of the night i’d consumed half a mickey and then we went to sparsely populated club (why do people say they are doing party and then don’t tell anyone till last minute ), no cover cos i got it like that, and waited for the last set and thats when we danced to dbanj “fall in love”, why me, igwe, Psquare – ifunanya, yahooze of course timaya “dem mama ” and that new song i wanna be close to you” as we grinded against each other two men decided it was time to intervene and seperate the girls…it was fun, the way we just came back to each other and felt free to dance with the boys, upon all that free gyration none of those men thought it neccessary or prudent to buy us one common drink (i guess its not a good thing to reinforce lesbianism if if it is just drinks or rather homophobia cant get me drunk just interventioned ) not that we needed any more alcohol in our system .
It was such an EASY and wonderful night, there were no forced expectations, no previous baggage and i am experiencing likeness at this point, easy likeness, very strong boundaries and just very regular and everyday..no drama, it was oddly peaceful, no anxiety..it was one of those nights that just keep you going for months and months and months. mY only expectation is that we will be friends for a very long time and she will hook me up with all the other queer africans and i will have a supportive queer group of friends DAMN see what happens when i leave my home and go to random parties..i get introduced to other folks…my beloved cat and walls of my apartment as much as we like spending time together can’t do that for me!
on other talks i have acquiesced i shall follow the masses and aquire a macbook, me too i want to sit at the free trade cafe and put on headphones and be typing on the macbook pro hopefully if that sugar daddy/mommy comes along or i perform another financial acrobatic miracle something i am begginning to get so very very good at. I am broke as in broke account balance is reading $23 post cab ride to meet madam who was 45mins late and chicken and mickey…so any mutherfucker telling about any yeye love nwantintin must comprehend and appropriately address the fact that i cannot even go near such talk or take account untill the mental stress have been sufficiently addressed (that is my own humour right there straight talk though….
now that i have updated…na sleep get me now…thejoint pain is back with a vengeance which really sucks.
a welcome sadness settles over my heart this morning, quiet, sounds all around muffled by the falling, pieces of my heart, realign into a familiar state of cracks i’m already mending.
After last night i learnt several important lessons: the only person you can truly count on is urself and this is for good reason, its totally ok. Its ok to trust yourself, play within your boundaries if i had done that yesterday somehow i think i would have been happier this morning. Somethings need time and are just not meant to be.
I hate losing things, loss in general. It drives of the deep edge, this morning i’m mourning. I’m mourning closed roads, abandoned dreams and blissful ignorance.
After my experience on three diffrent fronts with three diffrent people all important in my life, this morning i’m feeling like my relationships with all those people are going to change dramatically who knows if it’ll be for better or for worse. i’m back to that feeling of solitude and i’m going to savour it like a piece of medium rare especially aged and seasoned to perfection stake.
I’m not sure of what is going on with me and sex. I like my sexuality. I’ve been working on finding a place where i am acualized where i can do and feel pleasure without going to a scared of vulnerability, this person will judge me as a slut mostly cerebral or totally disconnected emotional place where i’m so afraid of a memory that i’ll faze out and the person will notice leading me to me needing to explain myself and not wanting to deal with thier own definitions of “crazy” raped girl turned oversexed whore…too much work for me.
My friend of what? 7 months now (JACK)..i like him, i like who he is, i like that he likes me, enjoys it better when i’m free, at ease, is attentive to notice when i’m distracted/not quite there or anxious. I like his sense of humour, his no bullshit attitude to life, this ambition and practical i work for what i have, the fact that he understands how hes big brother/daddy for his family..i wonder about his relationship with his mom does he play husband too? I like the fact that he’s unassuming and gives me WIDE room and space while still checking in and staying in touch with me no drama, no bullshit. I like that he tries to show me he’s interested in me genuinely, oddly enough there no pressure, we can go out on dates or stay in and fuck ALL weekend, we’ve done that i’m REAL compatible with him but i’ve got no “romantic love ” feelings that i’m used to, no real passion, no fire. there’s no roller coaster but the reality is that when it comes down to it, i always pick him, i always pick spending time with him even if its just to watch a movie and he; as bad as it sounds motivates me…to just be myself, no judgements no pressure but i’m assured that he’ll be there. i like that about him, maybe its the gemini in him. I get it. I make commitments like that too. But i do miss the urges, compulsion, hes very very controlled and sometimes contained everything is parcelled out, doled out in a way that he can control and manage nothing ever out of step/routine…i don’t get that..i like spontaneity. I’m appreciating our relationship and wondering how long we can manage this before he decides that if he’s really going to be like obama then he’ll need his michelle. I’m definitely not a michelle, for one i don’t have an appropriate haircut nor do i like passing as presentable to whomever.
Then there’s Red, we talked sometime last week and she was just so far away, so diffrent from the red i remembered whom i could feel in my heart, whose warmth of her thighs held me raptured and made me write poetry I cannot deny that something came loose for me as we kissed, as i held her, it was something i wanted so very very badly, the intimacy and the way that i knew she was so very family with me, my history, what we’d shared was so real for me and full of passion. There was a time, infact many a times i’d metaphorically stuck my neck out and took a bullet for her. I’m hurt that past the rage, anger, rejection? that she feels, i don’t know cos even though i tried to broach the topic she said it was all firmly in the past and a mute point but not so cos we can’t move on. She just wants to be friends, while claiming to right to experience her attraction to me and expect reciprocation but i’m not there anymore. If i’m going to repress feelings so powerful then i’ll do so knowing and consciously. I’ll find a way to impermanently tie em’ down in the inner reccessses of my heart, i might get to liking them out and find that they’re not reciprocated in as much intensity as i feel them which already happened between us in the past..but she no longer remembers and I do. That leaves me with a lot of emotional responsibility and feelings to work out on my own without expecting any reasonable involvement from her. I can’t do it.
I’m not into cuddling as foreplay and after and sex or feeling desire and longing till i can’t see straight till i start feeling compelled and making decisions based on the wetness between my thighs. That shit has made me hella hella stupid..i aint going back there. Sex should be and can be and it has been about pleasure thats how its going to stay. I don’t want to start conflicting good sex with good love..they ain’t the same. I don’t know how she feels so i can’t even explain it to myself but i’ve said that i feel like she was never really there for me as much as i was for her. But now she gets to say that i rejected and acted hatefully towards her, thats bullshit. She was committed to people i was no longer committed to..there was no other way/chance/opportunity for our relationship to exist as anything except within a circle that i cut myself loose from. And now, i really really hate that she can’t see that i shouldn’t have to choose between my relationship with her and being in a totally abusive and toxic environment. Why can’t she use that info to appreciate my choice in the past.
I really want just me and her, out side of a circle, just figuring out what works but i’m not sure how that is going to work. I’ve called her twice now each time we hung out but its like if i don’t make a move shes happy where she is. I gotta find a way to be cool with that. I mean i have to find a way to make sense of it, to tell myself that it’s not my fault, that its not cos i’m fat or that i have a disability or that she thinks i’m a slut but instead she what? cant see just what i have to offer and that indeed what i have to offer is a great thing, that i have companionship to offer, true commitment that i will be myself that i will continue to grow and grow on myself that I am working on being very healthy…but the real is its not what she wants right now for whatever reason and i have to live with that. I could manipulate her, attempt to lie about who i’m fucking so that she wont ask me stupid fucking questions about std’s or sti’s when i get tested guaranteed every fucking three months and she can’t remember the last time she was…i’ll find a way to move on.
I feel like i have to hold on, still. How may fucking african lesbians who are out do i know who are under fucking 30, fuck lesbian, I’ll settle for bi or even exploring thier sexuality a whole fucking three including myself and i’ve fucked the other two and things didn’t seem to work out with both of them. Where the fuck is my african butch who can fist me till i squirt all over the bed, make breakfast and drop me off to my boyfriend for a date at HIS house? what the fuck? Why can’t people just fucking have sex, people who claim to be non hetero if you say you have fucking feelings for someone why NOT fucking take the fucking leap and FUCK them. god. i am NOT going to have sex with an older dyke who doesn’t understand the ways that she can be manipulative and predatory and the power that she has and asserts as the older one just so i can get a good fucking fisting, I am not going to fuck a skinny white chick who can’t remember the last time she fucking ate a good meal and thinks i’m strong powerful exotic african woman while she reserves the right to call herself a fucking girl.
I’m ready for something ELSE. DEAR UNIVERSE, Something else…some passion, sex, emotions..i’m so fucking bloody fucking double ass fuck, fucking READY goddamnit.
Today has been a better day…definitely better than yesterday not because the terrible agnst, despair is not there…i got through yesterday by calling a crisis line for assaulted women and found myself unwilling and slightly unable to put my words into feelings. I don’t have anyone in my life right now that i could remotely blame for doing anything harmful to me besides my parents and family but even them are a whole continent away.
I blubbered and moaned and wept through the concersation. I told her that yes i had been assualted in my past, that yes i know that the feelings will never dissappear, I told her that i was not triggered so that i could not function. I know what i feel like when i’m triggered. I’m not a mess..I am clear, focused inside myself, tight, i am sort of braced up ready for the blow and most importantly constantly always calculatting my escape. I know hoe to deal with that. I told her that the problem was that there was nothing. NOthing wrong. Money but even then i just got a job and i’m not going to losemy housing or anything crucial anytime soon besides maybe the latest tous purse which i don’t have and never really afforded.. you know?
The problem is that there is nothing. I am supposed to be happy right now, finally i am ALONE, i’m doing exactly what i’ve always wanted to do, study get good grades, do research speak academia to my little computer screen and cat, i could go out meet as many people as i want to and i do it freely sometimes, my apartment is great, even my body is doing better, i’m exercising on the gazelle going for walks, my knees and joints dont hurt as much as they usually do in this weather, i have regular frequent sex when i want it and how i want it, i cook nigerian food and know where to go to buy it….no problems
Instead i feel absolutely fucking miserable. I started at the bottle ofpainkillers yesterday and bottle of vodka and i thought well what would happen if i took them both. I thought about my siblings, my grandmother who has been waiting to see me for 10 years now, my new sister lawyer, my much more pain i’d bring into my family. I felt ungrateful for even considering such a thought. I thought about my fuck buddy who i just saw the night before…my cat and i felt even more like shit thats when i called the crisis line.
She said it was completely normal for women who had been running/suffered immense abuse and still had to perform/function in this world to not know how to be…without all that. I understand, intellectually i do…i know that this is how i got myself into the most noxious relationships that i have been in one after the other but as she spoke all i wanted to know was how will i make it through today, tommorow and why the fuck does it hurt so much. How can i make it stop so that i write my paper and do all the other things that i should be doing right now…
She said to stop telling myself to feel guilty, to just get through the nigt and to cope to do what i had to do, listen to music whatever. So i got off the phone with her poured myself a double shot of vodka, cooked rice and stew with vegetable just like my mom used used to make and fried plaintain with bean, and just relaxed. Then i tidied up my files/papers that had been giving me an annurism EVERYTIME i looked at them, late bill payments after i worked so hard to fix my credit..FUCK NO, disorder NO, mess NO so i actually tidied did some writting in fact wrote a poem that might be crap but nonetheless it felt good and all the while listening to every single fela/femi kuti track i had and i called it a day. I didn’t get to bed till like 2pm but i wasn’t anxious when i went to bed, i was relieved and tired.
This morning i got up late but got up, said my prayers, dressed and ACTUALLY went to class not only that i worked on my paper a little bit and after class i went to the library common area ate my homemade lunch and struck a conversation with 2, i repeat two other fleshy, life sized black women we exchanged numbers and complained of feeling so alone on campus and talked about our different programs. I was relaxed through it all, i felt good. I was interacting easily with humaniods saying what was on my mind and them no finding me crass, crude or outlandish in fact making thier own points that seemed to align with what i was saying. There i was and looking very cute and femme too.. Did i mention that i also managed to catch up on all my readings for that class…so now i’m not behind might get ahead by next week which is where i like to be
I’m home now to eat dinner maybe work on my paper and other things no pressure, i think thats they key for me right now..no pressure.
Tommorow i have a counsellors appt early morning and a lunch date with one of the women on friday, we’re exchanging nigerian movies and even better she is an “older” 1st year student so shes closer to my age which is how i like it. I’m trying to stay completely and totally age appropriate.
Now i’m going to do my dishes, pick my clothes for tommorrow, pack my lunch too and them see where the rest of the night takes me..no pressure
) not that we needed any more alcohol in our system .