was i just in lust?

I saw him today..he’s going through with it. he’s getting me kicked out or at least he is doing what he can to make sure that that happens, whether or not he will succeed is another thing entirely. I talked to a couple of friends about how malicious he is being and they said that he is hurt and doesn’t know what to do with it. I think yes he is hurt but this is the way that he has always been when he doesn’t get what he wants or i do not do exactly as he asks me to do. He punishes me, he tries to hurt me. I am not saying that I am incapable of getting hurt, of course I am but I simply will not allow for him to do things that will turn my life upside down. I do that myself and this time, i’m going to fight real hard for my stability, for my peace of mind.

Next time: i’ll be more careful on who i allow into my life as in seriously if you are not going to contribute in really concrete ways to the stability of my life and i’m talking $$ and no drama then you have gots to go.

I set my eyes on him today as he confessed to the management company that he was fraudulent in staying on the lease since he did not leave there…and for one horrid moment i thought isn’t it fraudulent for me to notify the authorities about my collusion on other parts but i just cannot be that person. I cannot knowingly and eyes wide open do something like that i know would affect another persons life irrevocably. But then again, i have in the past and i guess he could argue that i did the same to him.

He didn’t look the same, he looked ugly, not as attractive as i used to think of him, unkempt and he was growing facial hair??? I though omg what the HELL was i thinking. And at the same time, it hurt, it hurt deeply that we no longer, smiled, kissed, hugged, touched each other he was a stranger and a dangerous one at that.

I performed as calm, together, put on my clothes, make up and went to the meting and smiled while my ex husband told lies to the management because he wanted out of the lease and i told myself to remember that he was doing this to me, to try and take away the right lessons from this situation, to open my eyes and see him clearly and just sit still.

I wanted to ask him to come in, lets chat, have a cup of tea and then i realized that i must be in some alternate universe because this man had just tried to get me kicked out even though he unwittingly did me a favours because i no longer have to stay here till august and he has no idea that i got a job but they say that the universe in her infinite mercies works in mysterious ways and they are right.

tHere is still a part of me that believe in marriage as an oppressive institution, that believes that he was the one for me, his dick is MINE and my pussy should be HIS even though it is so far. The real, i look the man i con dey wonder say na wetin self wey mak me i dey wan kill myself for this man abi na small boy i go call am? no be say the boy dey take care of the house, pepper nko, that wan no even begin to dey rest for the boy hand but i no go lie bobo sabi shook, he’s down with the koko, as in noting wey i go wan make im do wey im no wey do as in whether na to wear woman cloth or even self to give me im gnash make i dey pund dey go…anything as long as say i get my rocks off bobo is down.

But one thing i will not do is pathologize him or call him crazy cos even though there are things that he has done to me that i do not think i can actually do to someone else, the reality is that does not make him “crazy”. i love, just love how people after the relationship has gone to hell in a hand basket, they start calling thier partner, sociopath, psychopath, pathological liar, downright evil: i think its real easy to do so. I’ve done it too and it just makes it harder for me to grieve and move on. plus how easy would it be for me to join in the pathology of the dark skin man, i just can’t go there. I don’t want to wake up many years from now with unresolved baggage from this marriage..NO WAY. i want to grieve, feel the pain, everything now…i just want it to be over and i’ll process it all away. this waste of time, is not coming back to bite me in by ass. you get?

you feel me….maybe i was simply in deep deep mutherfucking LUST

Bu then again i was so in lust with the dream of marrying a young your ageish, professional who was kinda liberal so that we could have that dream heterosexual perfect marriage among two relatively hot in market fish, so that we become the hottest couple and the talk of the town….ah well…i’m still on the look out for any queer naija ppl out there that wanna hook up i promise i’ll be in lust with you..will let you walk all over me as long as you give it up and make me squirt in the bedroom, i promise to spend each and every penny of mine trying to take care of you, your dreams, wishes, wants, desires, keep you in the lifestyle that you’re used to, i promise to let you make fat phobic and homophobic remarks and don’t forget ableist remarks about me as long as you don’t say/make them about anyone else in public where others can hear you cos you are supposed to be my questioning, non straight radical type of partner see…..i promise to cook for you EVERYDAY traditional, caribbean and other world wide fare. I promise to bend over and take whatever you dish as long as you do not hit me but don’t worry you can push me, drag me on the floor, step on my feet with your steel toe boots, watch oir make me do things that you are are physically difficult for me. Do you have a child/children, don’t worry i promise to help parent them and prepare myself as you dictate to become a parent for them and when the time come i will no longer contact or engage with them as is your desire you needn’t worry about me. And don’t worry even if you hit me, if you space it out and promise you’ll never do it again i will believe you.

Yes tell me you want to be with me forever, that i am the one for you, that you cannot imagine your life without me, tell me that you love and i am yours to use, abuse, humiliate as you wish.

Dear Mary, teach me the perseverance and the wisdom to trust in my own faith and my own abilities and my own abilities grant me the grace to know that i am guided and held in the care of the creators universe. keep me and guide me and care for me as your daughter

and lastly like my mother says: FIRE!!! holy ghost FIRE them and back to sender, they shall never EVer succeed, they will never set thier eyes on me as i am coming they are going and as they are going i am coming, may our paths NEVER cross.

AMEN

its final..i am getting a divorce

I just had my moment of clarity where i’ve decided. I’m done. all this while i realize that in hanging on to this apartment (which i love so dearly: it was the only concrete thing that came out of my relationship with ex-hubby that was a positive forward movement in my life).

1:23am this morning

cell rings…i see its ex hubby, i silence the phone, this same thing happens till about 2am**repeatedly and dropping a voice message each time on both my landline and my cell phone.

I unplugged the land line and put my cell on vibrate and tried to sleep.

@ days ago he called to telled me that his sister was coming to town, that she needed a place to play, that he doesn’t have any dough and that i shouldn’t forget he still lives there…that it doesn’t make anysense since he has a place so can his sister stay with me? I said NO…NO…he’s like why…i’m like that’s too fucking easy, he just wants me to keep talking and he’s trying to get me to ignore the obvious, WE ARE NO LONGER together. So that what? She would have seen me and have something to report to his family about how fat i am, disabled i am and not worth thier wonderful masters degree son? So that she can watch my every fucking move and discuss it with his fammily, so that i will have to be on my fucking good behaviour for inlaws that are not even my inlaws…i’m not falling into such a trap of a power dynamic..NO FUCKING WAY.

Plus, we are not good…and then its his sister so he gets to come around and insert himself into my life in ways that will be challenging and i’ll seem like an uptight crazy irrational bitch when i try to set up boundaries so that i don’t get used and chewed out and what do i get for it..Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Anyways..i was thinking that its becoming clearer and clearer that he actually does not know how to give..nothing is for free at all, so why am i expecting that somehow we will sort this through when i should be taking care of myself and only myself in whatever way that i see fit…which is usually what i do the best. So i’ve decided I’m not waiting out of mercy for him and his papers i’m filling for divorce on monday, there is no going back, i’ll loose the apartment and move on. As always it will open up a new chapter in my life a new phase so that i face whats coming up for me.

Like so many women out there i really did not want this marriage just yet because of the financial fall out that i would end up end..i worked so hard to get back on my feet and here comes another set back..but i’ll try i was just thinking that i’ve never been one to stay in a relationship cos of money or housing and other practical things..i’ve become attached to my furniture and things that i would have easily and have walked away from in the past…but i have to live for me. I’m not going to let anyone EVER treat me like shit or endure it or tell myself that thats what i have to put up with to have the security that i crave..its not worth it. cos its not the security that i crave afterall…i crave independent security. in order words FUCK HIM TO ASHES

My mind’s made up and whats more i’m not the kind of person that you can beg to change thier man. I regret that about me sometimes but this is the final straw. It is closed..closed chapter….AMEN

incoming toxic matter via ex-husband

Mission: detox all engagements and communications to eliminate and terminate any and all case of active poisoning of my inner core, self confidence and esteem and engage program minimizing all contact and communication except where absolutely neccessary for survival and towards an establishment of a thriving self-actualized self.

Commencing NOW:

So I decided that regardless of a my best intentions which i have to come to the heartbreaking reality and cold hard fact that they are strictly one sided and non existent of the side of my ex-hubby. See from our previous conversations which i keep signing up for not cos i’m a masochist but because now that the fucking blinders of “romantic love”, bye bye honeymoon period, i’m hungry for all the things that i decided. I keep listening to actually see and understand the ways that he moves and the ways that he manuevers based on what he thinks are my insecurities and hot buttons, comments and allusions to my person that are specifically designed to hurt and implemented to not only hurt but also manipulate in order to achieve the best possible. I have come to observe that he chooses to A) say something to get me on the defensive, using words that i am typically and usually most sensitive to based on my previous history in relations, information that he is sure based on my foolish offering which he sorted and saved for future use in his dominate, humiliate and manipulate program. For example: “why are you being so cold, its no good for the both of us, we need to work together. This is highly effective as it gets me hit in the heart where it hurt based on times in my past where i was admittedly emotional distanced and challenged and been called cold and other scenarios such as this instance where it is completely unfair, bottom line it gets me upset, direct access to my emotions. The whole “we need to work together” bit is to subtly but effectively remind me of what i need him for eg: housing, money and other stuff he feels he can hold over my head at the present moment (once again, based on my foolish attempts at commitment and creating a sincere worthwhile relationship with dangerous man aka ex hubby). Bottom line: knock her down emotionally, and drop kick her when she’s low.

And then: come back with “Did you miss me?” I really missed you been thinking about all day. No response, or you think she’s not quite as low as you need her to be so that she blindly reached for ANYTHING remotely familiar to stop the pain, to stop the floodgates and the memories that you KNOW she hates to go there…you know that once she’s there she’ll reach for you and if you can keep her there long enough then she’ll keep reaching. If you sense resistance you start all over again resorting to insults and more information from the data she gave so freely until she reaches.

To illustrate, this evening i was quietly smoking my cigarettes and watching BET when he calls. From previous experience i’ve decided that i don’t want a fucking insecure, aggressive ex calling my phone all night and cutting of the lines of communication cos we do have to work somethings VERY practical shit out.

I cross my heart, and turn down the TV cos i don’t need his the TV is competing with me drama.

Hello?

Hello? Yes, so hi! how are you doin men.

I’m fine

How was school?

fine

Work?

fine

I was just thinking about you and i thought i should drop you a line and find out about how your day was..you know? I missed you so much today though…Did you miss me?

No

So why? why didn’t you miss me? so what about what you said yesterday?

Have i ever told you that i miss you? I have never told you that i miss you..i mean NO, i did not tell you that i missed you yesterday.

Aight well i missed you and i was thinking you know there is no need for you to be so cold, its not good, its not going to get us anywhere..

Silence

Do you think that we can ever get back together, why don’t you just give us a chance.

No, nothing has changed. No i don’t think its possible EVER.

But why? Is there someone else? have you fucked someone else? has someone else taken my place?

Its irrelevant, what has that got to do with any, it doesn’t matter?

Well you know, i was thinking about everything that you said yesterday? I mean i was thinking that so this is how cold you can be. I’m telling you its not in your best interest to be cold to me (Another subtle threat) If you want it to be that way, fine, but you said that you wanted to be cordial and i’m thinking to myself this is NOT cordial, its just typical you, this what you do…you just are always only and for yourself always (I’m thinking god, i gotta remember this, i gotta REMEMBER that always how fucking foolish of me to think that we can be grown and mature, that this guy is gonna leave me be NO WAY) I was thinking about everything you said yesterday and its just appaling, absolutely appalling, you know you didn’t even ask me how my day was, you didn’t ask me about my housing, about my health. and then to come and ask me for…just appalling! Well if you’ve decided thats the way its gonna be, then good luck to you, you’ve got things that are guiding you now on how you be then so be it (I’m thinking WOW..this mutherfucker is SOOOO clear that hes got a handle on me, that i am so impressionable and manipulatable that someone else is now running the show, i don’t have a brain, no discernment, no judgement of my own…damn soooo stupid I am) but you know what i wish you best.

What did i say yesteday: well see yesterday in a fit of desperate lonliness and despair at the isolation i feel and i know he will/might feel and the possible violence and vulnerability we are forced into based on lack of community and support…I called him to let him know that he had my full support when it came to BDSM/crossdressing that maybe i could go shopping with him or accompany him when he wanted to go in public to make sure that he was safe *if/when he couldn’t find anyone else* He asked if we could ever get back together, I said NO, i just wanted to be supportive in solidarity…and establish neutral territory between us..but i was woefully wrong. He cried and begged..i said NO. we ended on me wishing him well, we talked about the rent..he said to make time for him. I told him its not even about the time, its just that when issues like this come up this is what we struggle with in our relationship….I always have to bring it up, pull my head out and worry about all the practical shit while my man is sitting on his ass..his reason? he’s scared that i will be upset, like i was getting NOW and that he didn’t want to bring it up. I’m like do i look like i want to bring it up so that i’ll look like a selfish bitch who is after your money, money that the broke ass scrub don’t even have..guess who has been supporting us all this while..you guessed it. MOSTly me!!! but i’m selfish and only think about myself. We ended up on a relatively friendly note. i told him, time and his action will tell and i must say that i’m dead sad to say that i was right. Fuck me, i was right.

ok…more silence

Well, i do miss you very much…Do i have any mail?

NO

well i got word from my bank that they sent me a letter, i’m telling you I have mail there.

No you don’t (he just wants a reaction, anything, he wants me to get upset, keep your cool)

Don’t forget that i still live there, you know, i still live there

What do you want me to do produce mail that is not here

Aight well just remember, i still live there

Silence

So did you talk to your mother?

No, not yet (the kick her when she’s low started to activate and run)

you didn’t buy a calling card yet?

no

why?

nothing

What did you do all day?

nothing, watched movies, read

I hope your taking your meds and taking care of yourself

I’ve gotta go now i want to go to the bathroom

why can’t you go to the bathroom and talk to me..you saying you don’t want to talk to me?

BYe

Hold on…so why don’t you want to talk to me anymore…

I just want to go to the bathroom and then take a shower…

so you don’t want to talk to me?

Silence……………he hangs up

like 10 minutes later

Hello

Yeah, how you dey now?

I’m fine

I’m just calling to let you know that i’m actually very surprised at you and how you are acting…i thought that you had my best interests at heart but now i realize that you actually do not have an atom of my interests AT all. I just wanted to let you know that i’m very surprised and as i’m sitting here right now i don’t even have the time but i’m very surprised. So have a great day and be well

bye

click

Am i crazy or is this mutherfucking on some serious shit..am i the only one that this this dude is wayy of base and seriously with issues? I think i’m going to lose my mind over this shit.

Well you know what? i must remember that no matter what i am ethical and that i do have standards and expectations and if someone cannot see that in me and appreciate me for it instead of thinking that i’m just being stupid in this dog eat dog world then they’re sorely mistaken cos i know i got my HUGE ASS AK-47 and fucking battle sword ready, I know i got the nasty and they’d better recognize it too.. but people tend to underestimate me..all i can do is give myself and them chance after mutherfucking chance untill i can’t take more while making sure to be fully locked and protecting myself and mutherfucking moving on.

He’s so wrong..i wasn’t being selfish, i was simply expanding my heart and giving all that i could give so that at the end of the day..i could look myself in the eye in the mirror and like what i see..i gotta be able to sleep with myself at the end of the day. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone who can step up to you and meet you on the same page. THere is nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing and absolutely nothing wrong with sharing your thoughts with a partner, there is nothing wrong with honouring what you once shared, there is nothing wrong with being honest with your partner, its precious and i’m glad i must give myself props for getting to this place where i can share my feelings, when i can and do share my innermost thought and pieces of my heart with someone that i “loved”, that is the person i want to be, that is a woman worth growing to be. That is what i want in a partner. I know and will continue to learn that even after everything i have gone through i can share, i can be vulnerable, i can get hurt and its not the end of the world. I will continue to grow and continue to learn and enjoy the pleasure of that experience. I can use it to console and comfort the me who didn;t want to live at many points in my life. Here i am, i’ve got a story and i’m still living. I just gotta learn to pick the right ppl and keep reading that mutherfucking book and working on MYSELF. can’t let nobody bring me down and keep me down. Cold comfort for tonight: there’s something really powerful and just sooo threatening about me that all these mutherfuckers get so intimidated that they gotta find ways to hold me down, humiliate and attempt to shoot down my self esteem but i just keep low and keep working and keep building. I’ll see where it takes me.

I do not fight by myself, the god of daniel who kept him from the lions den and the burning furnace shall keep me..i need only stand still and the lord my god will do mighty battle for me for i was created in the image of the almighty creator, i will not perish.

AMEN

i am a naija slut/whore/bitch aka “akunna”….AMEN

Themes: On deconstructing romantic love, sexual politics and heterosexual, monogamous marriage and the violence and oppression of my naija, igbo self.

Aight so since the ex hubby left its been about a month now and i been soooo fucking horny. I used to fuck random strangers on the street but that works best in the summer time and you gotta look fuckable..nothing extra but feel good and look good enough to fuck and move all sexy to get people interested.

So i been answering personal ads on the internet..fucked one guy but he way too much of a wimp, insecure and too well behaved for me. See i enjoy a good HARD long dick..truth be told. I like it when i aint got no fucking feelings for that dick and its just a dick..especially with naija men the more you abuse and insult as in tell them you’re fucking other people cos thier dick is too small or cos they don’t know how to use it then the more they try, (which is usually my plan of attack so that we are clear that i am not expecting some kind of commitment from them where they are to treat me and expect me to behave like a good little girl that expects to get married to them someday or is just wishing that they would like me enough to get married to them someday and therefore giving them the mutherfucking license to cheat on me and lie and be dishonest and cruel since just plain up telling them that i’m interested in polyamory or a queer relationship is too much honesty for most naija men and too much exposure for me that is SOOOO not worth it since it will mostly and in the past usually over their heads…SOO over thier heads that they don’t even even see, nonetheless , I still pay a price for thier ignorance and stupidity because my shaky foundations and confidence get trampled on and the really strong decades old naija hetero norms program in me gets a reinforcement when i am viciously trying to attack it right down to its core, i figure a good place to start in any relationship is just cos you stuck your dick in this particular pussy does not and will never mean that it becomes yours..as in your property) the more they treat you with respect? in front of you sha (just be ready cos they’ll diss you and talk about how they just fucked you this way and that cos they’re hoping you are conservative and care cos you’re looking for a good husband one day, and your reputation and prospects are fucked cos the world world knows you a pussy slut bitch) Simply understood and may be referred to as the annihilate any threatening(yes feel free to be satisfied based on the fact that you have been identified as a *threat*) and rebellious female specimens they MUST submit under the power of the almighty and omnipresent DICK aka phallus.

So if you are looking for that good man to marry beware if not then fuck away. Anyways i already paid my paid (see in the eyes of my ex hubby my worth was depreciated because of the fact that i was not the holier than thou good princess whore and even more so because because even on my best days i was not a good pretend one, i was also generally unwillingly at least act like one and was mostly in fact committed to not looking, dressing, presenting, sounding like one ) maybe thats why the mutherfucking ex hubby of mine thought it was worth it to drag me around the house, call me a slut and tell me that he i was lucky cos if he had known how much of a slut i was then he wouldn’t have fucked me, not even with two rubbers.

Needless to say i quickly pointed out that he was more of a slut than i would ever be in terms of the number of ppl he had fucked and the types of sexual scenarios he’d gotten into and the number of women he’d fucked in one day but wait YES: that period of fucking around “when you are young” is officially sanctioned by patriachy and really doesn’t count as a defamation of his character and morality..in fact it was a testament of his good upstanding character and morality and ethics that he had learnt from the error of his “stick a dick in anything that walks” days and was now careful as opposed to terrified of catching an STD/AIDS or worse getting one of those “his bitch whores” pregnant and forever ruining his fucking chances of finding that holy princess goodgirl. In fact, i was less of a SLUT, because i was never and i am committed to and really do go out of my way at my own expense, too often, waaaaaay too often at my own expense to be honest about my sexual behaviours and partners all for he sake of making sure that i do not buy into the fucking sexual conservatism and control over my body that makes the words slut, bitch, whore so fucking powerful, see i didn’t have to read for that life lesson i learnt it when after i got raped, like most igbo girls , my parents decided out of thier concern for my future prospects in a culture that regarded a womans pussys as part of her worth an an indicator of her character and virtue as future property of her husband (hence the obsession with how many fucking people you’ve been with because it’s not really how many people you as a woman have been with its how many people your husband has been with, how many people your husband has shared the pussy that he “paid” so much money for for free and how many dicks have diped into his property, they were and will forever be tresspassers to the hubby because that pussy, your pussy was always it, it was meant for him and is only for him, the more tresspassers, the more sexual experience or in my case the more unwilling you are even if it is only in theory as was with me and not in practise, i allowed him to see to that then you can expect rage, resentment from “denying” him, his right, his entitlement as a man, his full and unquestioned ownership and power over your pussy.) And until he has it, theoretically and otherwise he is not fully a man in your eyes…he will say/think that you cannot view him as a man until you had it over.

Needless to say women obsess over thier dick too, now i’m starting to get the whole and two become thing, but men have a patriachial naija social structure culture that expands thier manhood the more they spread it around. His friends, family and everyone else in between will openly or somehow support him, he will be doned with “player” status..he can conquer and own not just one pussy but 2, 3, 4, 5 and is therefore as strong as manly as virile as 1,2,3,4 MEN. See that there is my standpoint on being the “other woman” who i have been and am often invited to be, mostly because of my understood “depreciated value status” but to keep it REAL, i would consider the other woman status as long as i had my own freedom as in i still owned my pussy and I was KEPT, i mean KEPT, monthly allowance, rent/mortgage, etc but none of the men i know would sign up for that.

The one that has fucked but acts like a good girl, lets him dominate her sexually and in not sexually enthused not does she care for sex much beyond pleased the formidable dick of her naija lover/prince/king and the creator sanctioned act of procreation among man and wife. He will pledge his undying love for this woman based on the expectation and knowledge that no matter how many times he hits her/no matter how many he dips his marauding dick into the diseased honey pot of women who are nothing more that bitch whores who cannot control thier urges and keep thier legs together she will never stray from her one and only dick. She will always wait for her one and dick and she will accept her prodigal dick when it comes back to her.

We fought me and my igbo “good boy” exhubby EVERYDAY on shit like this. Even my couples counsellor said that she felt that we were two icons not two beings in a conversation because i refused to throw out and banish the voices in my head from too many books, from wanting something to change in the way that naija women allowed themselves to unneccessaryly be ruled/collude in thier own oppression, because i did not want to or rather was no longer interested in colluding to my own oppression…i was trying to work things out. I watched my mother, groan and grunt under patriachial oppression in a marriage, she stayed with a partner who was unfaithful to her and then beat her to pieces *literally* based on accusations of infidelity and too much “iwaanya” basically she was shining her eye too much, she was not submissive enough.

My counsellor, a woman betrayed me saying that i was too much of a feminist and that ex hubby should leave me couching it in words like i never talked about my feelings (which i did..but i was looked to for all the fucking analysis while my intelligent good husband-because he allowed me to drag him to couples counselling for no apparent reason other than slight emotional, physical abuse that was reduced to “incidents”, which till today have allowed him to continue to minimize the severity of his action and to attempt to convince me that somehow i am exaggerating bu thank god..i saw my mother live through what she did and endure what she did and fight for her space and freedom much later on..tooo much later on but at least she put on a fight and if she could then by fucking christ i CAN TOO. )…i’m like feelings. why not ask him how he feels that he can say such demeaning, dehumanizing, mean spirited and cruel tings to someone that he SAYS he loves. Just so that he can control her? Which mouth are you going to come and kiss the person, tell the person you love them?

and people say that i carry things for too long that i am not forgiving. I spoke to his mother, he called her trying to appease me and trying to get me to stay so that he can get his fucking papers for free. His mother said that papers aside, her son loves me, that it is not too bad, that i should forgive him, that he will NEVER do it again. I felt soo sad, i thought wow, so now i get to look like the unforgiving akata bitch that is trying to ruin her son’s life just because of a little incident, the insolent akata that has no regard for the words of her elders who know best. It broke my heart, i wanted, i need an alliance with this woman, she is the matriach her son NEVER makes a move without her overall approval even though he doesn’t know it. I tried to explain that there wasn’t one incident, ther wasn’t two, three or four and as ashamed as i am to tell..it’s true. There was a whole climate of fear, of intimidation, of emotional blackmails and attacks to my consciousness..its like a virus, it was everywhere. I wanted to tell her that it was even in this call, i did not consent to the call, i did not agree to speak to her, i did not even have time to prepare both he wanted to call and hedid and me out of my own fear and desire to please reacted according..another button pushed…

It’s not that i am not forgiving, i am bitter, because the impact and the implication of those words ALONE are not gone. I’m still feeling them. IT hurt. I’m human not some feminist statue that needs to be knocked down at all costs. Above all that i was his wife.

In the end i think i idealized hetero, monogamous marriage more than he EVER did because to me he should have treated me like his queen, like someone he loved and cherished not someone he would readily and easily harm (but isn’t that the very design of hetero marriage to subjugate a woman, keep her always on her knees, ISn’t that what i knowingly and willfully signed up for? I guess that’s the utility of the myth of romantic love, love was to cover and shield me and allow me to stay in denial…when all else fails tell a woman that you love her that she is the ONE. And me, a romantic fool for *LOVE*, i have not given any serious thought to how beneficial it is to the perpetuation of violence in he lives of woman helping me to believe in a false solidarity that is really only sided, a solidarity with patriachial hetro monogamy + marriage all so that i can decieve myself into thinking that i had ownership of my very own dick that was really just on a temporary to possibly permanent lease depending on my performance in adherence to strict terms and conditions), I’ve always wanted my very own dick, my knight in shining armour, my igbo okonkwo..still working of disarming that virus!

but his willingness and easy readiness to do me harm and stop at no lengths simply to control me or acquire my obedience….should have been a clear sign of where his heart was..maybe she was right after all it would have helped if i was to have just talked about my feelings instead of using politics to analyze everything..but it was from politics that gave me the insights to think what i did and feel the way hat i did. anyways if you’re going to counseling, marriage counselling MAKE SURE your counsellor has a feminist standpoint/praxis.

I am learning not to willingly, subject myself to oppression, to aquiesece to it, to submit to it and least not without a fight and on my good days i think that it is simply worth doing..for my own sanity for my own peace, peace of mind.

I think about my ex hubby and how sometimes i feel like i have lost soo much i feel like i will never know..i think that he was offering me a kind of exchange oppression but really what it was was just space more space for him to experience things and be supported without oppression to realize his full sexual self to explore things that gender bending, cross dressing and BDSM meanwhile i was stuck in some kind of flasback of marriage where i was rotting, i was decaying i was not explorin the things that really interested me and in the mean time i had to live with a man who questioned my intelligence, my sense of worth because of my disability and my loyalty? or is it personal ethics because i was forcing him to move and stretch and shift in ways that he NEVER imagined and it was ALL for my benefit.

The only thing is, it wasn’t for my benefit..i wasn’t quite there..yes no doubt i benefited from having a husband and the immediate hetero validation and communal respect that goes along with that but its not like it was getting me a job or anything..i’m not playing that particular game, instead it was affecting , my lesbian rep which is sad and a whole topic on its own. Sexually i was not expanding i was regressing, same with emotionally etc and i was starting to realize that in the choices that i started to consider and worse in the choices that i made and actually lived with. for ex: after a man threatened me physically i went ahead and married him..of course i took secret comfort in the knowledge that if it ever came down to it and it did..i may not win but by sheer volume size i would have a fighting chance and i did have a fucking fighting chance (i have an ex to thank for that)

Knowing how hard it is find people with whom you can be emotionally present with, safely explore gender boundaries with and be queer with ESP naija ppl they are theoretically not even supposed to exist. I mean he was the only one that i EVER found (but i still have some time and i wasn’t safe with him so who am i fucking kidding) I felt so afraid of letting him go…i was like maybe if i put up with it he will get better, he will learn, he will change, I did to a certain extent..but not untill i left and was faced with the cold hard fact that what i had was precious was REAL resistance in ways that counted. I still feel like which other igbo guy will like me stick something up his ass? that will not be sooo caught up in stupid macho, patriachy, homophobia to allow himself experience that..to push himself to go there, to allow himself to be fucked..the funny thing is i think my ex hubby got it..he understood the fucking sexual politics of getting fucked and thats why he felt the need to demand my attention and assert his authority over me..to basically find other ways to be a “man”, to find other ways to fuck me. Why wasn’t it enough that he fucked me and i fucked him? why wasn’t it enough? why can’t it be enough?

it would be goood, good to actually support him through his process, if i had the support of other like minded ppl to people which reminds me that i did have that at same point but then he never would have had the opportunity nor would i have met him..anyways

The real is that when i remember being afraid of him, when i remember the cold hand of fear sneaking up my back and my impulse to cause him harm..i’m ok to just let it go.

scraping the bottom of the mofo barrel, failed hetrosexual normativity 4 real

here’s to happy hetero monogamous..hoping to be polyamourous marriage btween two childhood sexual truama survivors…but before i go into all that analytical thought shit which i just am in no state to try and do cos i do not understand really what the fuck happened…instead these are the words i have right now

I’m going through a divorce which is a posting or rather webpage on its own but dear god have i EVER made a mess. But i have learnt the very hard way indeed that stability in my life is worth fighting for see usually when i am in so much fucking pain i find it hard to breathe and my body feels like stone i usually turn my entire life upside down do something that is completely self destructive and makes no sense well at least based on what i sually do so that i can focus my energy on surviving but i worked so hard to move past that that now all i feel is PAIN. I’ve got nowhere to hide, my life in all other respects is relatively under control except for this so i have to DEAL with the fucking PAIN.

Last night at 3am when i couldn’t sleep and realized that i didn’t have anyone to call, anyone to say come over and hold please it hurts so much i think i’m dying….there was no one so i just cried got up had a cigarette to dull; the pain and distract me…the buzz is unbelievable i know i’m soft core. and then i went back to bed and i realized that the smoking, the cleaning, the cooking, the eating are all just distractions and now add this blog are all distractions, distractions from how much pain i’m in.

Oh yeah i started writting again last night a love letter of sorts…see i talk to him but i can’t seem to use english language to communicate the extent of my hurt, how betrayed i feel, how deep the damage is that i give up or at he thouht of giving him the satisfaction of seeing me cry i get angry and scared that i’ll blow it AGAIN. I think i need some definite anger management FOR REAL.

Now i have let my house turn into a sty, clothes, food, hair, blood drops…..NASTY. so this very good sunday i recommit to keeping my home and my space SANE. that and taking my meds…

I wish i could say this is not happening. I wish i could lie and pretend and look strong, put together, not vulnerable and in control but i can’t. I won’t. All the voices are screaming at me i can barely move. I think yes maybe they are right…I am wallowing in a smelly, bloody, pool of self hate, pain and disgust. Its funny REAlly….there is no need to hate me, I already believe you, Yes you are right, I ‘ll scream it if it will make you leave me alone in peace….YOU ARE RIGHT.

I AM the wretched of the earth, I am scum.
You are right I am Accursed from birth, i was a drain, i was the one who took everything from you. YES IT IS ALL TRUE
I say 15 st bridget prayers that my soul may not perish in HELL.
I say 5 decades of the Rosary so that the holy mother may assist my soul.
I say the 3 holy prayers as an act of mercy on my dying soul.

my sentence: a life ALONE and far far far far away from you.

and continued

Today i got up looked around at my filthy apartment well messy said my 15 st bridget prayers and i decided that i should allow my self another lease on my life. I should get to say what it is that i want for my self and to do to take the time to just reflect and create the me that i would like to be so i got up had a dk oh yeah i had the most vivid dream last night.

I went to bed after ex hubby(i should explain that i do not mean this in an entirely patriachial heterosexist way even though it is a constant reminder to myself in th ways that i conceeded and compromised on my values, my refusal to do so and the consequent price of my concession. See right now i must be made to suffer and i understand I FUCKING get it. I dared to be a nigerian lesbian who married a nigerian man, i dared to question patriachy i dared to demand that i be treated with respect and a human, living thing, i dared to expect and to settle for nothing and I LOST….big fucking surprise there. but anyways i am NOT the harmless victim i think that i have actually morphed into something that scares the fuck out of my n ways that i would NEVER ever say out loud. I fought back no holds bared and i intend to continue to fight to the very bitter end. why? well two reasons off the top of my head well first of I AM WORTH IT. sing it girl!!!! secondly i am wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too mutherfucking tired of running, rinning everytime i am hurt or scared and calling myself gansta, falling to pieces everytime that there is conflict cos the little girl in me thinks that she’ll get fucked. This time around i’m GROWN. I am a tweny something who has lived as much as people like to say that i back away from life and i am NASTY, cold and calculating and I can do some mutherfucking damage….i mean i’m a good fucking catholic girl and would rather not but i CAN and i will so i hold her, shield her, tell her it’s alright baby i got you and NOONe’s fucking with you AND i repeat AND getting away with it. )

So yes last night after threatening me with all kinds of ridiculous and sometime really scary shit based on the information that i had foolishly offered thinking that i was “in love”/sharing to create a trustworthy worth my while relationship he calls back several times to apologize, my heart broken and rapidly turning cold i resist the urge to defile based on the very melly recesses of my hottest rage and quietly say “ok”. he buys it?? and leaves me much to my gratitude.

I’m quickly reeducating that drama that emotional rollercoaster the constant struglle push and pull is something else it is not “LOVE”. I have come the rather difficult conclusion i might add that it is best for me to never ever initiate communication of anysort with the mutherfucker, ex hubby. Even though i still rubb my clit and juice up to the memory of reaming his round luscious ass, digging in with my fingers to his raw moans even though, i immediately get that clit jump/twitch at the thought of how i used to ride that cock of his while he begged and pleased and called me his mistress….that was LUST. good lust but LUST nonetheless. I tell myself that i will find another human being a compatible one with me who will not judge me or at the very least who will not be violent with me and will love me and appreciate what a truly compassionate, hardworking, intelligent person that i am.

One of my guys friends kept asking me if he was insecure/intimidated by me or thinking tht he was not good enough for me and i’m like well why not just DEAL…thats what the counselling was for but needing to be the manly man that he was he would admit to feeling inferior to a girl with a disability who is fat NO NEVER. It’s not i’m a “bombshell” anorexic bith so why treat me with any respect/common human dignity.

I watched my father no doubt from a place of insecurity literally try to extinguish the fire in her so that it would not attract other men, or she wouldn’t feel too much of herself and leave but i’m saying though why not just be a better man? for your own damn good?

so thats what i’m going to try and do forward movement according to FELA and try very fucking hard this time….slowly but surely to be a fucking better self actualized person. that doesn’t i wont fuck but no relationships for a good while i thought i was ready when i met him but i guess from that experience i know that i am not.

so off to try and be a better person starting with organizing all my papers that have turned my desk area into a MESS and putting away the clothes that i painfully laundered only to drop them on the floor and then siply do some fucking reading one step at a time…at least my house is no longer a pig sty and relatively presentatable as long as you do not open the closet or look at the desk area.

and yes… scraping still

I just want to bitch and man about the complete and total fuckery that this mutherfucking man continues to come up with that i was STUPID/desperate/lonely/self loathing/self disgusted/somutherfucking beat DOWN that i actually used to take from him and I ACTUALLY used to RESPOND to his bull fuckery.

For instance..hubby did something bad and got CAUGHT and tried to blame it on me because i fucking expect too much and demand too much from the broke ass unmotivated SLOW as FUck scrub, if you cant afford me mutherfucker, if you can’t live to my MODEST lifestyle DO NOT expect me to fucking reduce myself to poverty which i am barely trying to float in just cos you can’t deal or whatever HUSTLE bitch HUSTLE…grow the fuck up

Anyways so after we break up and he thinks that all cool with him and me stupidly comforted by the fact that he actually had a good job, dare i say IT, this poor student was fucking finally tired of carrying that grown ass man. I cannot even talk how many times I paid for the groceries bought him designer clothes and SHIT for the house that we lived in together!!!!! I thought patriachy was about men taking care of thier mutherfucking women otherwise why the fuck would i put up with this shit.

Anyways..we sign a deal, sealed with a kiss..he thinks he’s going to lose his job and renegotiates what he was once willing to pay well over 5k for is now to be given to him because of ….ladies and gentlemen you guessed it LOVE. did i tell this mutherfucker that i LOVED him in any way. NO i didn’t. No i have refused I barely like him and i tell him CONSTANTLY.

So he loses his job now he’s taken my money and everytime i try to get it back…i haveto come and see him, even though i know everything that he is going through i can’t come and see him and that when i couldn’t sleep he came and held me and we fucked..mutherfucker i let u stick that dick of yours in me isn’t that fucking payment enough and of course i enjoyed it why shouldn’t I?

So after returning his call, several times….yesterday and the day before..he calls this morning expecting that i will leave whatever it is that i am doing, jump into a cab and come and see my “man” and when i refused he resorted to emotional blackmail with the whole but when you needed me i was there line. IN my head i’m thinking. Dear god save me from this conniving, manipulative SON OF A BITCH. For fUCKS SAKE.

I have spared this mutherfucker details of my hearbreak, i have spared him any info about how i am actually doing…i was/am A COMPLETE wreck….can’t leave my house, not eating, smoking at least a pack a day and my throat hurts, its not a fucking dirty competition.

HE does not love ME. I once believed his fucking bullshit. I thought that if he wanted soo much of me all he time that he LOVED me, then he cared for me wHY? because i was feeling too unwanted, too dirty, too monstrous if he will and i felt like he saw me and held me close in spite and with those parts of me in full view i felt that because he was a childhood survivor he would NOT use that shit to emotionally blackmail me…bOY was i EVER wrong. Instead he knew very well how it worked…he knew the exact buttons to push and how to hide and look like he wasn’t, he knew how to make it look like it didn’t matter untill i started to realize that the ONLY way this mutherfucker could EVER trust me was to have me in his full CONTROL and power, was to have me completely manipulatable so that NO MATTER what he did i’d be cool, and down with it, So that no matter what boundaries he crossed i’d be cool and down with it because he loved me and wanted to work things out.

I’d just like to say thank god for the crazy ass destroy everything bitch in me because she definitely has her place and her kept her in, gageed and in check for so long that when she came out, it was time and i WAS SURE…he was not counting on that..that i would and could walk away from EVERYTHING. I’m still working on it but i CAN and will time and time again no mutherfucking REGRETs and i’ll pay the price because afterall i am human.

Anyways when just having another human claim that they loved you and the security of that became NOT ENOUGH thanks to my counsellors…he also became not ENOUGh and not good enough and down right not mutherfucking deserving plain and simple and so bitch you had to go.

I pray i am never that person AGAIn, i pray that i can continue to heal myself so that i do not need someone to fill holes in mylife, maybe thats why i’m liking being myself so much i can hear the holes in my silence and yeah sure i crave to fill them up and then i look for a nice set of fingers or dick to fill my holes.

I think hes shocked that i finally came to my senses befor he could just what he wanted to do/get what he wanted and that hurts cos he was deep in the fucking…but what he doesn’t uunderstand about me is that i’m so fucking used to having to give up body fucking parts to save my soul, to save my integrity to save that dream that vision that i have of becoming a healthy seld actualized happy and content woman. that vision of myself is worth fighting for, it is also worth risking everything for and it is also worth losing everything for.

Thats where i am a steadfast, unflinching, uncompromising feminist.