i’m that bitch:my life will be my revenge: dreams and sex

Life is good, really I can’t complain too too much, things are going a lot/little/just better than i thought but i want them Better Bettarer and better beta bettarest J

Right before i graduated, when i’m stressed out..its seems i get these dreams, something is chasing me dreams. Women who run with the wolves had a description of this..i need to go back and see what she says about the dark stranger or maybe its Bessie head and Gayle jones playing with my head (both have these haunting masculine characters that remind me of all the things that i love to hate in men and will often choose/gravitate to, which i need to continue to choose to walk AWAY from in all human beings, men women, trans, gender queer freaks alike )…..Don’t want such characteristics in anyone near me period. No excuses.

Davis in Eva’s man by Gayle Jones  reminds me so very much of Peter, fuck you like a whore peter, Peter the hustla.. , in some cases reminds me of all of my lovers in that weird i got you kind of way, i wonder what is it that makes possession so hot/sexy/irresistible to mE? I have a deep deep craving to be owned, used, possessed and utilized so thoroughly that when i think of it, i get moist, and fearful at the same time, most of my lovers have a clear way of owning me, either sexually, emotionally or someother way which is why i’ve been playing what i call S/M in my head and what others. My partners call freaky shit..good sex or she’ll let you do anything kind of play.

Its hard negotiating boundaries, my safety and keeping a scene in the bedroom, the backlash outside of a scene, besides my partners are not thinking of it as a SCENE persay instead they think of it as part of my personality and how i like to be treated in general which is FAR from the truth so i end up looking like a psycho unstable bitch who one minute likes to be flung around and the next is demanding that patriarchs get up and fucking pay their pussy bill or fucking do the god damned dishes…

I do get a little ‘testy’ cos i’m weary/hypersentitive to what a man who is uncritical of his position and power as a patriarch or in fact a self admitted, patriarch thinks when he’s “fucking you like a whore” you aint no longer like a ‘whore’…you don become akunna for im eye be dat….

I’m that bitch that swallows, i’m that bitch who takes it whenever however..all you got to do is bring it..one of my lovers called me EVERREADY. In one way i’m really proud of myself for crafting a sexuality that is truly queer no matter who the fuck i’m with, if i’m going to fuck you better be bending over backwards and forwards…i have to be excited and i’ve come to know what it takes, what it tastes like and what it feels like….

On the other hand i’m constantly afraid and expecting the punishment of a woman who is in control of her own sexuality and her body…I hope to get to a place where i stop wondering/fearing/worrying about all this shit which is all connected to do i ever want to be in a monogamous economically strategic arrangement EVER…for now i’ve decided the answer is NO. License to ‘mis’behave..YES.

 

Back to the scary masculine figure…Yesterday night i had a dream. It felt slightly lucid which worries me because i sort of belief in spirits and supernatural forces. So i’m in my bed, my room looks exactly the way it does as i fall asleep and a man appears in front of my door (when i picture my perfect man, physically speaking but nothing else speaking as in the perfect man that will fuck me up good, destroy my life kind of thing, an abusive motherfucker that i will either end up killing and going to jail or will have to do some drama to get away from). Maybe its from watching/witnessing my parents relationship but i have always assumed that i would always have one of those deadly but passionate up and down type relationships..at my mid twenties age, i’m happy to announce that i’m definitely getting over that whole desperate loving, hateful not really about loving another person/loving yourself type deal…i’m actually thinking/craving stability a slower, always burning interest and love and compatibility, in fact its a huge turn on.

But more importantantly i’m like i’m gotta plan to be happy and to be happy and secure being BY MYSELF. And even the act of dreaming/planning makes me super duper happ(ier)ish

So back to the dream..So he walks into the apartment, without getting up from lying down, i get up and go to the dootr to try and keep him out, he puts his hand in through the chain lock and unhinges the door and walks in..no fuss, no real struggle, hes very confident that he STRONGER than me and me struggle/resistance of anykind are a)expected, nothing surprises him and b)he is unthreatened..

He walks in, smug and says to me, i’m the man who has come to fuck you, with this wicked grin on his face, i say NO. I try to wake up and CAN’T. Usually if i want to wake up i can. And he moves to the living room, the kitchen to eat my food, he’s looking in the living room and i look with him and there are two boys less than 10, older than 5 and they’re sitting in front of a big screen tv watching tv..they’ve got their food in bowls in front of the tele, he says hello boys…I think Oh No not my sons, and i’m like SONS?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

So i get up from the bed, grab me keys to luck the doors and my cell phone..my thoughts are: i’ll call 911 and if anything happens at least they’ll hear it all, secondly i’ll lock the door and stand outside the door so that i can keep an eye out for the boys, the whole time the man is undisturbed (I know he can hear my thoughts as i can hear his..i can hear him, going you can try but you’ll find out for yourself that there is no point in struggling with me, i’m not going to bother, you’ll see for yourself, i’m just going to make it easier for you to submit when your ready by acting like i’m being nice to the boys, you’ll see you’ll really like it) All this, this thoughts are slowing me down and i struggling to pick up mu coat, pick up my keys, my phone and make it from the room to the door without breaking into a run or causing my boys to panic.

I get to the door close the door, that was a struggle, i used my mind to hinge the doors so that the door would like bu then as i locked the door, the lock wouldn’t work..as in my key was not locking the door, i’d twist the key, it would lock and then i’d check and it would be open. To my HORROR. I kept trying and trying and trying to lock the door and i was in tears..then i held the door shut with my hand and all the while he was walking slowly to the door, i knew he was going to get to the door, open it and pull me back in, he was telling me too…So i started calling 911, 911 wasn’t working..my phone wouldn’t even work, it was fully charged too..911 wouldn’t dial…

Just as he got to the door, my friend called and i woke up.  

Not sure what to make off the dream, except that i will find a way to lock that door and stop him from coming in and i’m not leaving no motherfucker with my sons!!!!

Maybe it has something to do with my desire to uproots and lock out certain patriarchal manifestations of masculinity from my life and to make sure that this is not a legacy that i pass on to any offspring that i have…My life will be my revenge, not in a fucked, my children will be my revenge way… which sadly is way too common in the women that i know, this legacy…

she saved me from slavery

I’ve been thinking a lot about my paranoia and how i walked around the city thinking that i was running/hiding from “enemies” and how much that has influenced my life. All of that is shifting slowly and with it soo many things i feel like a better person….

It was/has been made easier for me simply because someone said to me…you were right..

It has created this i want to feel good impulse in me so i have gone clubbing, fucked and fucked, i want to be freer with people like i will not harm them , like i am a good person and others can testify to that, i feel ore affectionate to others, freer to be vulnerable… and then i had this dream last night.

In the dream we are in some kind of state, that is occupied territory, there is a curfew, i am there as a privileged western student, i go clubbing, drink etc but if you are late for curfew and you get caught then you get shipped away to some mysterious camp….i am late. I run through the red earth untarred street to this lowrise posh apartment building that reminds me of something i might find in London england..huge chandeliers, carpets etc i ran into an asian dude on the stairs and he had his shoes in his hand and was about to make a run for it to his room, there were several room along the corridor all you had to do was take of your shoes and make it into your room while the military guy in full uniform is on the other side.not looking co he patrols the stairs too…So he waited for me i took of my shoes, black ankle boots, sporty looking and we made a run for it and got into our rooms. I made it into my bed , pulled of my dress and slipped into a slip to sleep thinking i’d made it in. Then the light flicked on and all the students were commanded to come out into the hallway.

We did. as everyone stood there, we all looked we we’d been in bed for forever and the military guy who looked italian or spanish (not south american) was afoot. He demanded that the students volunteer EVERYONE who had come in late tonight (this was because he hadn’t caught anyone that night, he had a quota and he KNEW that several people went out and did not go for dinner at the residence that night) He said that it was for our own good and that if the students there would only volunterr those of us who came late tonight then they would stop patrolling them and give them a longer curfew that there were ways to get these things done instead of sneaking about. Then he said that those of sneaking out were “wanted ” required to report as we were under investigation for our rebellion,

Some of us tried to speak, to beg the others not to surrender us but they did and those of us who spoke were tied in chains and were being led through a jungle/swamp, desert place, the goal was to get us to a boat and then ship us to work in coal mines.

I escaped, i was running there were these huge brown rings, that were interconnected and electronically charged so i convinced the man at the gate in exchange for my body? or was it i was nice to him, dont remember, anyways, he turned it off and would turn it off in something like to minutes but the two minutes would richocet through every wired gate so i had to run, i had exactly two minutes to get to each gate. I ran and lifted each one, it was like hurdles except i had to throw each gate over my should some were bigger, longer than others as i ran they seemed to increase i wasn’t just running towards them now but the gates that i’d hurdles were forming at my back so that it fely like they were not only multiplying and seperating and rejoinging in odd ways behind me but i wasn’t leaving them behind so they threatended to swallow me and kill me…as i reached the end where i was to escape..a sandy shore they hovered above me and were falling and i moved them to the side in the dream..i wasn’t going to die. As i did this they tramsformed, the rings, landed on top of each other so that they formed the shape of a woman a lean, brown skinned woman who was just sitting there looking away from me…i couldn’t see her face and i blacked to awaken on a boat.

I’d been recaptured, i was serving again but then i overheard people saying that they were taking us to the coal mine and i took off, left my bags suitcases everything that was mine back from the hostel and ran, i ran into a woman, she was a relative who in real life has treated me very badly and she looked at me gave me money and clothes and helped me hide so that they could not find me. She gave me money and it was because of her that i got away.

themes:

1. running, being chased
2. being taken advantage of
3. home, house, apartment
4. escaping….
5. getting help

another nightmare..

Today, I am tired. I’ve been fighting the fatigue a lot lately. But i guess i should be used to the winters i’m still not. I’m back to taking my Iron medication so that i don’t get so anemic and its working..i guess here i am in the midday, i’ve actually taken a shower, gone to class, done the dishes and now i’m home. To expect anything more from me at this point in the day is too much. my heel is painful as is to be expected so is my back, my arms and knees. One thing i’ve learnt finally is that continued use of my muscles HELPS keeps them lubricated and it doesn’t have to be painful per se with my little exercise machine that someone lent me.

I spend my days wrapped in different worries that revolve around the same issue $$. But i’ve resolved to do nothing drastic, i’ve always managed to figure something out. ALWAYS and this year will be no different. I hope that i can really remember that.

I had another nightmare..this one i was in an apartment a small but comfortable one, a one bedroom with kitchen, living room but it was small and i met this young woman who followed me home, she was small, darker skinned than myself and pixie ish (I should note that this is far from actual reality, i usually go for the exact opposite except in terms of skin shade, generally, bigger, mature, full figured ample cleavage is what i go for unless of course they’re doing boi/man then all that mostly goes out the window ), i appeared to have fallen in love/lust with her, after we made out, i remember thinking we fucked but i did not not visualize this in my dream she wrapped herself in what appeared to be a large blanket on the floor. I was disturbed taking it to mean that she did not want intimacy with me and on closer inspection tried to get her to unwrap herself …she kind of mummified herself in the thing…as she unrolled it. I asked her where she got it from and she said that she had been given it by some seniors to wash and keep, it was hers, it appeared to be a big white sheet as she turned, i thought i saw initials in big bold print stenciled onto them and i realized that yes it was indeed property or at one time had been property of a certain female ex of mine who was considerably older than i was. The  more she spread it out and unrolled herself from within it , it turned out/changed into  a huge mosquito net, the kind that used to use in boarding school back home, a white one with tons of holes in it and WORSE it was very dirty, it was streaked with dried bits of what looked like bird poo and in some cases human feces. I was horrified that i had allowed her to bring in something so repulsive into my home but not only that…even more revolting to me was the fact that i too busy crushing on her/wanting to get into her pants that i didn’t notice the trash she brought with her into my house.

I asked her to take it out of my house and it was gone, i went to my bedroom in the dream and she perched on the wall and watched as a man and woman whom i actually saw myself making love to came into my bedroom. I sucked on her nipples, played with her while she fucked the man whom i think was her husband except that the couple in feel and spirit if you like reminded me and felt very very much like me and my exhusband with the same bodies but it was different, i was different and then my apartment was full of people who had apparently been invited for a party but i was trying to sleep and they didn’t seem to mind they went on without me…they made the most delicious dishes, fried meats, stews, vegetables everything and throughout i could feel the eyes of my perched girlfriend on me.

Finally i got up and went to see in the kitchen they had made a mess..EVERYTHING was covered in grease and cooking mess, splatters and i started to scream at all of them to leave that they had eaten all of their food without saving me a little peace, i had to pay the hydro/water/electricity bill, i had to clean up after them and i didn’t even get one piece of meat….i combusted into hot and angry tears and woke up with a teary eyed and gnashing my teeth

THEMES:

• HOME/house/intruders
• People uninvited, pretending to be people who they are NOT
• People that cause me harm
• FOOD/Celebration/Party/Gathering

This one left me disturbed but not as badly as the snake one, I’m starting to think that these are not just common dreams so i must mentally prepare myself for any dealings (which i generally run away from which maybe is why all of them have come to me in my home…wherever that may be) with friends/lovers in the past or new ones. I must be mentally prepared to deal with people who are far from what they appear to be the only “new” person in my like is jack and hes being kept at a safe distance, regardless. If i go into a familial gatherings/meetings i hope that the memory/lessons of these dreams will stay with me.

***the other thing is that usually in my dreams i fight back, sometimes i fly, others i make doors, escapes, whatever i need appear to me and i am in control of my person of my spirit. In these dreams of late i am doubtful, slow to move, people actually take advantage and often get away with what they want to do TO me and not vice versa..this is why i call them nightmares not dreams…my actions are restricted/constrained somehow and its almost like i feel that all i can do is watch and then cry LATER..which positively SUCKS.

***Also at the back of my head even though i grew up in a christian family i constantly was told and cautioned to NEVER eat/make love/perform or engage in sexual acts in a dream or die all of these things i have done recently in the last month or so in my dream./..I’m like spiritual attack or what? Well i dont know who is to say that i am not some misplaced mammy water or ogbanje child or something else that i REFUSE/struggle with demonifying because i was taught to do as part of a colonizing oppressive imperialist project..the two go hand in hand. And i simply will not, even though this, catholic fear of my own traditional religion is probably part of what inspires fear in me and me moroseness/sobriety as i am confronted with these nightmares. Whats worse? my grandmother is not here to tell me what any of this should/could mean…i can’t tell her anything over the phone for fear that she will go into panic and here I am. Alas the need to go home SOON is reaffirmed../.

thongs in ghana

Aight, I had another dream not as **scary** but it was just as thought provoking for me.

Themes: $$$$$, travel, body+hair=appearances

I dreamt that my ex-hubby came (to my apartment) over after this guy that i know came over, i was complaining about money and cussing this guy friend who wanted to fucked but couldn’t even drop no fucking $40 for pizza or something and saying that he was a cheap bastard and that i can’t believe the broke mtf thought i was actually going to take his broke ass seriously so…. as i’m putting away the stuff that he used to drink, smoke whatever i find $140 in crisp $20’s on the carpet and i’m sooo happy i’m like yes at least i got somethin out of the mtf. Anyways minutes later he calls and asks me if i found it and i sad yes..miss goody two shoes, i also figured he knew that i woulda found it so no point in lying…then i told him that i wasn’t going to return that he should consider it reimbursement for the cigs,drinks and company.

My exhubby starts to argue with me over what i should do with the money an i tell him to FUCK OFF. we argue over something like a microwave cart that had the radio, microwave and something else on it, he’d put this basket so that it stood on the top shelf and framed the cart for what looked like practically decorative purposes and then moved the microwave to the very bottom level and i’m like i don’t like it there plus its completely impractical and it grates on my fucking nerves that you moved it and now the door scrapes against the floor ruining the microwave in the long run, whereas it might have a little high on the top shelf but at least the microwave was not getting damaged and it was still easy to acess…

then we get a visit from a friend and its lauryn hill, telling us not to fight so much, apparently we been friends for a while and i aint seen here for the longest, so we hug and great and she tells me that she’s going to ghana and that i should come with her..so i pack my pags say my to ex hubby and i’m out.

Next thing i know, i’m a a red mud type a village with huts and thatch roofs and a red gate in the front, she introduces to a middle aged woman who apparently shes really close with and is going to do my hair out there in the yard, she does it, does lauryns, and lauryn asks about the womans daughter. She says that she’s living the crazy life in the city and it would be good for lauryn to holla.

We get to the city and the sister is doing some crazy hollywood party filled with african celebs of course and she has a new underwear line that come attached to a pad with a special insert for cloth pads so you don’t have to clip or whatever just stick the pad into the panty itself and it was shaped like a thong…

so me ever self conscious i quickly put one on and went to lye down, lauryn hill was also complaining about the size of her stomach cos the girl was like hollywood anorexic looking…anyways i was told to show of how i wore mine and everyone said it looked great on me.

Next i see kids two girls girls who were talking about fucking and threesomes and the worrying part is they were talking about it with the village woman’s daughters son who wanted to be a rapper and was into gold chains, dollar signs..making it reign and fucking whores and bitches. I thought it was funny untill i saw the two little white girls crying and saying that they had to cos everyone in school was doing it and they wanted the kid to be thier partner. **thats why they were crying** they wanted it to be with a “cool” kid.

I just watched and tried to halfheartedly tell them that they shouldn’t be having sex at that age, that thier bodies werent ready for it…the only info they took from me was getting tested.

I woke up or went blank cos i do not remember the rest….

races, cars, houses

Themes: lost..trying to make my way and having difficulty, having to ask for directions, being left behind.

Running: being chased and being part of a race.

Home: Houses, death in houses, houses***

Ok so I had a dream this morning…

So i think that I was some rich girl just like back in the day in naija before we got robbed/duped and lost everything…so I was supposed to come home cos my dad the rich business man and succesful public figure and politician was having some kind of gathering and it was important that the whole family was present and looking cheerful and like a role model family so i show up from a rendevous with my boyfriend who had asked me to marry him and run away with him even though he was penniless but i insisted that i had to tell my mom at least. so i show up in the wrong outfit just jeans and a tshirt and i tell my mom while changing into this beautiful long sleeveless and clingy dress that my mom had made for me it was a reddish pinkish salmon colour and got my hair done as i run out to meet my father it turns out that he knows and plans on arresting my boyfriend(who also happens to be my present ex-hubby) who was not supposed to show in our getaway car till hours later so i hold back the tears etc and act like a very good hostess for my father in this maginificent building complex that ws decorating in colonial old english style, everything pulls of without a hitch so much so that i spent hours delegating the help and by the time i’m done everyone has left and is on thier way to a trip to celebrate except for me so they make arrangements for me and thats thats…right when i’m finding this out my boyfriend pulls up and they start shooting or try to arrest him and he drives off only for my sister to run out of the complex into the side road where we ere supposed to meet they kiss passionately and my boyfriend annouces that in the mean time he has fallen in love with her and they drive off leaving me there

…so i start looking for where the arrangements were made to meet up with my parents..i’n crying and balling looking and scared that i was lost the rooms were numbered, there was a library a boat doack and underground medical centre and fashion district anyways i ask the librarian who tell me to go the boat dock that there is a water bus waiting for me i make it through the boat dock and forget something anll of my id, purse and money so i ask them to wait for me, there were other passengers waiting, they said that they could only wait for an hour i start to make it make it back only since i’d been spending all my time with the boyfriend who left me for my sister i didn’t know how to get back to our family private quaters, so i go through the fashion district where i am told that if i go underground and crawl through the clothes then i might come out where i need to so i do this…and see all these beautiful dresses in plus sizes with diffrent women trying them on and they were trying to convince that the dresses were nice and i said that yes but that they only make you look fatter cos they add so much more bulk to you anyways i was supposed to come out at tthis indians mans store that sold incense and etc but instead i took a next turn and came out on a side street and i saw two teenagers a boy and a girl they pointed to where there was a bridge and said that i coould find another entraNCE to the complex there i did and found and found a childrens playground that inside was fool of black women with nails, makeup, hait done chatting it up and one was giving me eyes, so she told me where to go and i did

….when i finally crossed the street i found out that most of my parents just left except for this woman who was big and had another man in her car in a red and black toyota of some sort and we were in a race so off we go meanwhile i think someone outed her as a lesbian so when we get to where we were going she was publicly disgraced in a line and she had decided to remove herself from the race so i went up to her and told her that she was beautiful, that so what she might be a lesbian but she was beautiful, succesful and a great person and that she had qualified for the race and all sll she needed to do was to show her body..see all the other women in lines just like in assembly were wearing almost nothing so i told her to shake it off and to remember who she was, she took off the robes that she had on to the clapping/applause of every one there and was awarded a race team of her own which she put me in charge off…she immediately went crazy and picked 300 supporters and then i wasto help her narrow it down to 150 which were marked by another good friend this we did and were and were on our way as i team.

one of my uncles becomes one of the drivers and i’m in my festac house needing a ride to school and then they ask me to come in the car which i do we start looking around fifth avenue and they stary talking about a wicked ethipian man who got married to an iranian just so that he can dominate her. next thing i’m drving in a car with my mother who has just arrived i canada and my whole family is living under one roof and i’m talking about how nice it is that we are just paying one rent we are on our way back from a friends house where i think they just bought the house and something creepy …jyes there was something like the dark cloud in LOST in thier houise that was trying to kill pppl but owner of the house had some kind of immunity to it so that once the cloud was headed his way he would float, dodge it matrix style or whatever to avoid it and i ran out of the house before the thing came after me…as we were driving me and my mother we saw a house it was a bungalow and my mom was telling me that it was only 50,000 naira and that we could buy it easily but that it was too small and they she showed me another house that looked nice it was 3level and regular and she said she gone to see it and we started making plans of buying the house..i was happy that me and my mother were making this kinds of plans and that she was in canada telling me that she would help me learn to drive.

the end

snow day..detox day

Snow day…detox day

I’m going to try to do things that i live to do for myself

listen to “cool” music and free nobody’s looking dance

shave pussy, oil pussy

take a long bath with candles while reading or listening to music with a cup of my favorite icecream

read some textbook, take work

work on shokara story or submissions

masturbate

PRAY+ 1 chapter of the bible

eat chicken

paint my toenails and scrub the heel of my feet

answer the phone only if it’s someone i like

call my aunt that lost her husband

Do laundry????? (or not may be eliminated from list as is totally practical )

in the mean time check out M.I.A. you this bitch is SERIOUS…i mean the mix of textures in the music, wicked beat and intelligent lyrics are undeniable…..check silly Afrikan Boy (the real is he’s saying things that most africans including me think) big shout out to my friend who brought MIA into my life.

and why not see that beat remiinds me of:

as a delicious treat for my wanna be gangsta bitch video whore self sensibilities….