lunch with the rapist

So I’m at the library and you know I’m supposed to be studying industriously but I was up for q whole 12 hours yesterday marveling at the wonders of what a HD camera and fnal cut pro can do for you but that’s another topic altogether, if I had any ANY ANY balls whatsoever I would do my masters in fine art and fucking theory, that would be awesome but I’m thinking only of practicality…but I’ll think of specializing in something I love STILL.

Anyways I’m having lunch with the mtf Rapist..introducing the rapist.

Anyways I met this dude, hes just under thirty and I’m standing outside waiting for my friend he runs out and offers me a ride, I’m like no my friend is on her way..so he asks me the usual are you a student? Work etc to scare him off, I’m like yes, University student with a fondness for theory, hes like oh yeah what theory? I’m like huh? There are many..right now neolib/post col are my fav but my actual fav theory is the theory of false positivity and he laughs, knows what it is and can have a fucking convo about theory?!?

I’m floored, so hes not EXACTLY my type but I can feel myself getting wet already..i want his number. We go out for drinks about a week later, talk briefly inbetwn, till we meet and the fuckery begins… he ONLY wants to talk about sex, not sexuality which might have been stimulating but sex, fucking what position and shit? I’m like what do I look to this mtf? WHATTTT/ as in if this was the kind of convo/interaction I was looking for I could get from people more like my taste, as in fucking nasty shit..i tell him this and he steps it up a notch, to groping and wants to go to a hotel..…

I was already drunk and he actually was trying to take advantage which made me sad and was hilarious to me at the time..i’m like thank you for showing your hand, deep down you have no fucking respect, no fucking principles and you are NOT a bonafide Slut/ sex addict, if he was we could roll, but hes just an ass. Somehow I allow the mtf to come upstairs with me cos hes claiming drunk…when all hes had is a glass of wine, looking back and refuses to sleep on the couch, tries to fucking fuck me.

I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And it wasn’t until I was threatening to kick his fucking ass and was hitting him, that it stopped and I basically overpowered him (another advantage of being a big fat woman if to say i be lekpa, i no sure as the thing for go down, no seriously twice now i’ve used my bulk to push some idiot off me – yes i know say me too i be dopemu for inviting such people into my home, my life, to partake of the wondrousity that is me..i know  ), it took me a moment cos for the first time in my life I was fucking triggered in the moment, I had a flash of someone else trying to rape me and the feeling of HELPLESSNESS and resignation was fucking overwhelming overwhelming almost took over my whole body but I had to hold on just to stay grounded and centred cos he was not safe.

My beef is why? I know it is about about power but why why? Would you want to take something that is supposed to be shared by force, how can you think that buying someone a $30 plate and drinks for like $20 value is equal to her pussy? I’m like even if I was a whore, I’m not a fucking cheap whore, if you’re going to place a price on my pussy it better be more like dinner at the finest most gourmet restaurant, $300 bottle of wines, private fucking jet and in paris…no lie

Otherwise, respect your fucking self and realize that this is about mutual respect and HOPE, here I was thinking that fucking bitches, that I had met one intellectual who was not a misogynistic asswipe instead he is the worst kind of misogynist, the kind that can pretend, has language and theory can form fucking liberal all the while using, adopting a fucking mask of masculine emasculation only to claim power. That fucking shit if scary.

As for stating the fucking obvious, i dont care if i’m drunk, high off my fucking ass and naked and gyrating on your fucking body, if i say no, FUCKING NO MEANS NO….and no just because i invited you into my home, does not mean i am attracted to you r ass and am dying to fuck and if you think its a game, that once you get up to a womans home, get into her bed then you can pressure your way into fucking then that is fucking pathetic. I am not, I REPEAT , i do not regret, am ashamed by of fear my sexuality..if i want to fuck you, i’ve decided from almost the first time i see you if ur fuckable and if i fucking like and your bitch ass will know not from fucking feminine wiles but from my overt advances or i might just tell you that i’m wet and i want to fuck you..long before you EVEN saw it coming.

Another thing its always the mtf biatches who are all about hyper, hesistant feminine sexuality that have attempted rape or that bullshit i’m touching you to get you turned on and then you’ll fuck me even if u dont want to cos ur a good girl, sometimes thats hot ONLY in role play mtf otherwise thats fuicking called COERCION if i say no it fucking means NO, it doesnt fucking mean try harder..for fucks sakes!

ANOTHER thing, i’m like talking to my friends the ones that date african men, jamo man no go fit do that kind thing..for my experience so far no the african men in particular..its been normalized as if say thats part of the fucking game, na so dem take dey chase woman, FUCK THAT!, no biatch, i dont expect you to insult, abuse and disrespect me in my own house, keep it in your pants and your hands to yourself untill i tell you otherwise and i pity the next mtf that will try that shit cos i’m calling the fucking cops..one hand. ITS NOT FUCKING OK

I’m like give me straight up, patriach, the kind that will tell you woman stay in the kitchen have my kids and don’t leave the house, except you’re wrapped around me, that is clear that some blubbering house slave, that loves to play the fool, in this case position women as fucking bitches and vahina gentata’s only so that they can be just as fucking patriachial and myso gynistic as the other guy if not MORE..because no one is calling them on their shit and they are too fucking busy fronting like they’re down with womens lib.

So I’m having lunch with the fucking rapist, I could tie him up, bind his arms and leg painfully to a tree and beat his fucking ass black and blue till he confessed that he will never NEVER EVER attempt to fucking rape another woman or even touch another woman without her EXPRESS consent I will.

But in this case, I will have to settle for lunch, and an long tirade where I let my little girl talk to him, where this woman gets to tell him exactly what he did, exactly what he tried to do, that I see him and that I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER want anything to do with his fucking broke ass anyways and that hes not even on my fucking level, not intellectually, not in terms of looks, energy, NOTHING. I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy.

And hopefully that will be the end of this rapist chapter unless he wants to

· Credit card with at least $3000 for my shopping

· Flat screen HD TV, I’m talking 42 inch

· Jewels, gold/silver/jade – gemstones spree

· Furniture shopping for my apartment

· Ticket to naija plus expenses and ALL the arrangements

Unless he’s interested in/willing to treat me like the FUCKING PRINCESS that I am without so much as a fucking kiss, so that maybe, maybe I can see his use..otherwise get fucking lost. I’m counting on the fact that he is liar and is in fact not interested in dropping a dime – even though he claims that all he wants to do is spoil me and I’m like yeah you mean fucking rape. I don’t know about his fucking definition of spoil but its definitely NOT NOT NOT fucking fish and chips at the fucking pub..imagine?

Tracking Jack…..1 (so after we’ve fucked senseless you still want to hang around?)

Ok no seriously, I’ve been writing but mostly things that are like diary pieces, aint nothing much else coming out of me at the moment. The deal is i finally got internet access back in my home, that took two weeks, still need a home phone, cell bill is getting of the hook, the mtfers refuse to fix the billion and one things wrong with the apartment that is lovely and that i love to death dont get me wrong but FIX it, i want everything to be PERFECT as perfect as it can be by the winter. I need to finalize the divorce, triple check it, figure out the money situation for my student loan which is almost double what it should be cos for two years i took thier money and flunked/dropped out whatever, nna na so your sister just dey run run around. THe scariest shit of all is that as i watch my pockets get to the negative or when i come home tired there is noone, no family, no friend really that i can go to say biko nu borrow me 5, tickets for transit, rice/bread..nothing. t times i think maybe this is i was soo fucking vilnerable and compromised in my dealings with ex bastard(s). How can you be in this canada and fucking starve. No money, no fucking food. Food has become the last thing on my priority it used to be the highest now i’m like fuck that, i need to pay my bills, FIRST and foremost i will never again deal with the horror of bad credit, that even worse. I need to get everything done before winter then i get paralyzed by the cold and all i want to do is read, eat, sleep or just eat and sleep.

On a different note, I’m growing a deepening attachment for my fuck buddy, this is worrisome. VERY VERY worrisome. The whole point if a fuck buddy is to be just that fuck buddies and nothing more. It has been very very good for me. I do not feel; sexually repressed and inclined to curse myself for having EVER agreed to enter into a lifebinding monogamous and heterosexual agreement even though i allowed myself to think that i could queer it up, who the fuck was i fooling?

So i met jack online..through a personals ad that was meant to make it clear that all i wanted was dick, so that i could fill up the vast empty space that i seem to have SOO Much of since ex hubby left but also to resume in full force my sluthood while allowing myself to experience and shape my sex life but also intimacy and the ways that I wanted to experience and encounter intimacy and sex with another. I chose straight black male.

He sent me a “cock pic” in response to my ad to which i replied requesting a face pic. He sent one immediately. Quite frankly his dick was NOT that impressive compared to the 10+ inchers who happen to be my “usuals” but as a commitment to decentering the penis/cock/phallus in my sexual desires and encounters and unpacking the way that the cock centrality is part of the heterosexual man’s arsenal. Jack sent me a face pic, it seemed sincere enough, dark enough, non chalant and without much respect/care for me that i quicky responded and he came over.

I had just gotten out of the shower when he knocked on my apartment door, which i opened in lingerie, that barely fit, it was from my skinny days but i wanted to show some effort. We hugged and went to the living room. I introduced myself, then realized that i’d given him the wrong name, diffrent name and handle from the personal ad.

We sat on my leather couch and then, I told him, “lets move to the room” We went to the bedroom, and started making small talk. how was your drive? student? working etc and he reached for me, drew me close and slowly teasingly planted a kiss on my lips. We talked some more, i was taken aback by his sensuality and tenderness, he continued his insistent soft and gentle kisses. that night i came over five times. i was amazed, his style was so diffrent, i’m used to  hurried forceful almost agressive, his confidence was queit. i felt savoured, relaxed it was a diffrent kind of intense.

Anyhoo..its been good i get a good and i’m talking GOOD at least 5 hours straight of hardcore, unrelenting sex  and intimacy and that sets me straight for a week and thats stretching it, usually 4 days, the thing about being married for me was having someone there, everytime, readily available, dick at hand everyday, sometimes a couple of times a day. I’m not even sure if that was all good, i stay in a sexually induced fog of sorts, nothing else matters except my love for dick. But recently i’ve been getting used to the idea of a beatdown once a week, then i move on with my life, hes not there all the time (what a contradiction eh!) no but it is good cos i know he’ll come back, i know hes there kinda thing so no codependency we both have our own lives.

Its been several moths now since this whole things started at first we were both (free to fuck other people) if he did i dont know, i did but then stopped too much work really and i lost interest, i want the good familiarity you build over time not some trial and error with a person who’s fumbling and thinks thier the best and it doesnt really matter cos you’re never gonna see them again after the blunders or just lack of chemistry. It gets tired after a while so i stopped cruising, we both decided to become exclusive but NOT monogamous. I don’t think i can ever EVER settle for monogamy in life again unless i get lazy. Dont get it twisted non monogamy aint easy. Exclusive but not monogamous means that i’m free to have other partners but hes primary, he comes first..why? i like him, dont want him walking just cos i got randy and wanted to taste some ass that aint gonnna hang around, you know? The things is if i do i gotta tell him, and i have to use protection no if ands or buts but with women i’m free to do whatever i please no restrictions, hes clear too.he will feel threatened by another masculine presence. Dont want him to get all macho on my ass.

diffrent overlapping tracks dont want to stay on the same one

That was fine but the thing is i’m starting to like him. It looks like this when he’s coming i rush to tidy up and never do cos i fight the impulse, point is i never gave a shit, i want him to call before he goes to bed which he does, usually, i want to get a midday text msg from him. I start thinking we are a bedroom couple i need to get over this shit and fast, as in we never venture outside of the bedroom, never even walk down the street together, hell i dont know what his car looks like and i’m what? NO.

While i’m thinking all this we meet and go for a walk first i downplayed it, coincidence, then he wants me to walk him again and hang out with him at the coffee shop, but i had to run, another coincidence, THEN he asked me to go see a SHOW with him, free tickets BUT he asks like an hour and half before the show started and i think ok we are both birds of the same feather here, cautious, fearful of getting heartbroken, that was not a coincidence, i’m no to read too much into that. Later that night he tells me he likes me! Im surprised, relieved and then i feel the cold grip of fear at the base of my spine and tears jolt of my eyes i bend my head and dragging his nipples into my mouth to hide the flow but i’m sure he felt me reach to wipe them off.

At that moment i realized once again how much that exbastard hurt me, how much it has changed me, the old me would have been thrilled excited and committed on the spot, now i’m sure- i want to slow, slow, slow no rush, organic evolution like this is good, that show i’ve managed to hit and cross the 3 month mark and we’re still good and i’m looking forward to it. And all of the sudden i felt self conscious, unworthy, undeserving, damaged goods everything came flooding back all of exbastards words about how no one can live with me, cope with me, how evil i am seemed to fill my head. I looked at all of them and the ones before them, i spoke some of them to him, telling him that i came with lots of baggage and that i wanted to take it sloe, that i found it difficult to trust people, that i hated being vulnerable but that i liked him too. So we decided to stay as we were, no rush except now we both knew we liked each other.

(I’m kinda like, well this goes against everything i’ve been taught as a good christian naija girl and hes christian too…i wonder how it works for him…so i’m like say word: so you fucked me senseless, know i’m divorced at my tender age and still want to hang around, you must be crazy….i’m immediately suspicious)- the sad part is that most people in spite of thier good intentions and because of the fact that we are all indoctrinated into a world systematic belief of domination, people treat each other, myself included accordingly….unless he’s an exception to the rule and i don’t want to find out the hard way that he is not. To much heartbreak. So i’m still not going to expect too much from him, not until i get to feeling like i cant be around him for so long, and not expect too much from him then i’ll just walk and hope it doesnt hurt like i just lost a limb. I’m like when is the truth about what he thinks about fat women gonna come up? of people with disabilities or africans? HOw is he putting it all together and does it matter. SEe i know it does. Cannot ignore that fact any more, So thats another reason why i gotta wait, wait till i know the risk or at least evaluate the risk

but the real is…i’m not going to walk away from what i have in my life or what i want for any reason, at least i’ll have tasted my dreams no matter how shortlived. He is also queer i keep meeting all these queer people by luck? and when i find them i stick, i’ve made it clear that i encourage all sexuality explorations and would even support actively by being involved or not. When we are together we play, its fun. I like it like that.

RED FLAG: has a vacation spot in his head, is very very good at seperating his emotions and his mind from his actions when he needs to and will do so often and at will. Why does this bother me: Isnt this a clear recipe for DENIAL. Meaning he can be in denial and be happy, Very fuckling happy in fact he can be in self induced wilfull denial.

RED FLAG: I find it so hard to have conversation with him about what he thinks like why he is so corporate minded, he goes insular, cant reach him, or the politics of masculinity cant reach him, whiteness, cant reach him, except for religion and sexuality…maybe hes taking his time too…??? It bothers me, i really cant predict his moves sometimes

I can do the same thing but not really, instead what i do is become obstinate, hold onto myself within myself and insulate myself so that i hear, i store everything going on around me but i’m not using it right there and then my actions are being guided by something else entirely, by ME. I do this when i dont want to be persuaded, moved, manipulated, conversed with, shared with. I just want to be left alone and the other person if they’re perceptive enough can feel it.ok so fine, i can also stay in denial for as long as i wish but i dont like it, i dont think it makes me a good, smarter, more intelligent person: in fact i think of it as a fatal flaw, it means i’ve got blind spots, there i things i simply will not allow myself to see/percieve which in turn means that there are situations that i could have handled better, if only i understood better, if only i would let myself see better…you know? I think its called emotionally intelligent. But i think the key is to see as much as you can, hear everything, understand it all and still choose to act of your own will and volitions, those are moves you never really regret.

So in order to balance all the hetero relations i’ve been craving pussy bad and met some dissapointment nothing to really write home about. I forgot how very hard it was to find a girl!

I’m tempted to say that i’n falling in love but even that is becoming way too romantic for me. I’m at a point in my life where i have tried several models of having relationships from open to polyamory to monogamous marriage and now i just want to think about what i like about different set ups and hold on to them or the people really as long as i do what i want and i get what i want then who the fuck cares.

Writting this though, i remember the days when i loved hard and fast, it was a feeling locked in me, like something clinched into place and i was committed to the person..no matter what. I’m not like that anymore, i think gave it, shared it too freely too easily with those around me and i’m glad i did now i cant force it, it just comes slower.

loneliness and I

 

I’m striaight pMSing. I’m gassy, bloated, cramping, nauseaous and spotting. Its either immaculate conception or my period is on its way.  The truth I’ve been very busy trying to live my life and that is difficult.  The soundtrack to my life right now is Zaki Ibrahim (wicked mellow sound, lil wayne Carter III and Lagbaja Konko Below and of course Rosemary Chukwu – Chineke Kpuchiem) I have huge difficulty living with myself staying with my thoughts, the constant realization..i find escape only in books I’ve been reading when I do pick one up: one a day, the famished road by okri, the fledgling by Octavia butler (a book I thought could easily be applied to the continental and diasporic African question BUT I think that would be dangerous and the questions get taken away by fantasy), james balwin the fire next time (great book- this man says it unmistably and clearly that African americans and other diasporics are not African, I read his words and wept), best of womens erotica my head spins with the word I am happy. I am completely absorbed, I allow myself to travel with the characters when she got shot in dangerous love I felt it in my gut and wept for African women who may not find freedom and fulfillment even in a fantasy novel. I have a bone to pick with Okri. I’ve been slightly miserable.  I come home to my cute single girl apartment. I’ve got no roommates, no friends that can come over at the drop of a hat. My food goes bad in my  fridge and sometimes the meat i take out to defrost goes bad cos i dont get to it. I’m losing weight cos i will often skill diner in favor of a cigarette, a cold beer and a good book. My apartment is a mess, no one to clean for except myself,no one to be anything for except myself.  I am Sitting with my loneliness. I realize  that most of the stuff i do my habits are for the presence, attitudes, cares, whims, and fancy of others. This time i got no else but me to impress. Its all about me. I am a massive caregiver, was raised to constantly care, look out for, look after and fuss or run after others. In the past i’ve gotten upset that they haven’t returned that care in good faith but now i have all this time and its true that my hair is always did, pussy shaved just right, legs shaved, toe nails did, i have time to play with difrent things. In a way i’m learning about myself, my personality, what i like to eat even cos i’m not thinking about a household or whether my friend/roommate will like it. But its hard.  Trying to protect myself I know the emotional predators can smell loneliness from afar, know they love it, will seek it out and are pulled to it. I am so conscious that generally I hold myself at bay, keeping in mind that I presently exude misery, loneliness pheremones. I am leaking blood in shark infested waters J

 I’ve been fucking my ex husband, I’m not ashamed of it even though I feel I should be. I crave the campassionship, the emotion, the full presence that he offered me whether it was good or bad or burnt me and downright left me charred and noxious. I hate the blandness, the distance of fuck buddies, or sexual partners that the sex is not that good cos you don’t know each others bodies yet. The familiarity of knowing what to touch, lick and when to increase the tempo or just hold still. Gawd I miss a good fuck. He was/is a good fuck. Oddly enough I think that now the sex is better I feel less constricted, like like I must perform fully perverse, dominating when I feel like it, allowing myself to be submissive at times. I am there, He is there.

 Once I get up from the bed, once I think, I come crashing down and I often break out into quiet tears lately I’ve felt like howling. As we fuck I think its shifting something in my brain, I realize that we truly can never be a fantasy, that my real relationship with him is nothing like the fantasy that I have constructed in my head. He is not the caring, compassionate, will do anything I want lover/partner. He really does not understand me, nor does he like me, my personality, my quirks. I am not the adoring girlfriend/partner. I dislike his habits, intensely dislike his personality although I think I understand it fully. He is still the controlling mutherfucker that he always was pushing me at the slightest opportunity to get me to move, compromise my boundaries, shift my convictions for his sake and totally on his account and now I KNOW, I KNOW that those little incidents, build up, that they lead somewhere, once you move, you keep moving and if we’re taking about the precarious balance of power in my relationship then shit I aint letting mutherfucking go cos that’s the only way I can go on fucking, that’s the only way I can get mine in the end.

 Nonetheless, I am cured, cured from having dead end exits, non existent relationships. I am working on it starting here, within reason. I need them to close, end an even ending.

Today I’m struggling with questions about my NSA fuck buddy, who has been respectful, tender, good to talk to on the phone turns out to be queer and at ease with himself sexually and otherwise but I’m starting to feel like a g-friend, don’t want to miss out on the possibility of companionship which despite my coy attempts at intentionally feminized interactions he seems only to be interested in we are fucking monogamous. I am coming clean though I’m going to confess my emotional unavailability so that we are clear and request presence and some kind of negotiation while attempting to remain fucking non – monogamous I hope it goes well. My guiding principle right now is I might as well or I might not get it. Period. I gotta ask. I gotta try.

 I hate being this fucking lonely and feeling so fucking desperate. I feel like it leaves me fucking vulnerable. Vulnerability is to be detested? It should be ok to be vulnerable

was i just in lust?

I saw him today..he’s going through with it. he’s getting me kicked out or at least he is doing what he can to make sure that that happens, whether or not he will succeed is another thing entirely. I talked to a couple of friends about how malicious he is being and they said that he is hurt and doesn’t know what to do with it. I think yes he is hurt but this is the way that he has always been when he doesn’t get what he wants or i do not do exactly as he asks me to do. He punishes me, he tries to hurt me. I am not saying that I am incapable of getting hurt, of course I am but I simply will not allow for him to do things that will turn my life upside down. I do that myself and this time, i’m going to fight real hard for my stability, for my peace of mind.

Next time: i’ll be more careful on who i allow into my life as in seriously if you are not going to contribute in really concrete ways to the stability of my life and i’m talking $$ and no drama then you have gots to go.

I set my eyes on him today as he confessed to the management company that he was fraudulent in staying on the lease since he did not leave there…and for one horrid moment i thought isn’t it fraudulent for me to notify the authorities about my collusion on other parts but i just cannot be that person. I cannot knowingly and eyes wide open do something like that i know would affect another persons life irrevocably. But then again, i have in the past and i guess he could argue that i did the same to him.

He didn’t look the same, he looked ugly, not as attractive as i used to think of him, unkempt and he was growing facial hair??? I though omg what the HELL was i thinking. And at the same time, it hurt, it hurt deeply that we no longer, smiled, kissed, hugged, touched each other he was a stranger and a dangerous one at that.

I performed as calm, together, put on my clothes, make up and went to the meting and smiled while my ex husband told lies to the management because he wanted out of the lease and i told myself to remember that he was doing this to me, to try and take away the right lessons from this situation, to open my eyes and see him clearly and just sit still.

I wanted to ask him to come in, lets chat, have a cup of tea and then i realized that i must be in some alternate universe because this man had just tried to get me kicked out even though he unwittingly did me a favours because i no longer have to stay here till august and he has no idea that i got a job but they say that the universe in her infinite mercies works in mysterious ways and they are right.

tHere is still a part of me that believe in marriage as an oppressive institution, that believes that he was the one for me, his dick is MINE and my pussy should be HIS even though it is so far. The real, i look the man i con dey wonder say na wetin self wey mak me i dey wan kill myself for this man abi na small boy i go call am? no be say the boy dey take care of the house, pepper nko, that wan no even begin to dey rest for the boy hand but i no go lie bobo sabi shook, he’s down with the koko, as in noting wey i go wan make im do wey im no wey do as in whether na to wear woman cloth or even self to give me im gnash make i dey pund dey go…anything as long as say i get my rocks off bobo is down.

But one thing i will not do is pathologize him or call him crazy cos even though there are things that he has done to me that i do not think i can actually do to someone else, the reality is that does not make him “crazy”. i love, just love how people after the relationship has gone to hell in a hand basket, they start calling thier partner, sociopath, psychopath, pathological liar, downright evil: i think its real easy to do so. I’ve done it too and it just makes it harder for me to grieve and move on. plus how easy would it be for me to join in the pathology of the dark skin man, i just can’t go there. I don’t want to wake up many years from now with unresolved baggage from this marriage..NO WAY. i want to grieve, feel the pain, everything now…i just want it to be over and i’ll process it all away. this waste of time, is not coming back to bite me in by ass. you get?

you feel me….maybe i was simply in deep deep mutherfucking LUST

Bu then again i was so in lust with the dream of marrying a young your ageish, professional who was kinda liberal so that we could have that dream heterosexual perfect marriage among two relatively hot in market fish, so that we become the hottest couple and the talk of the town….ah well…i’m still on the look out for any queer naija ppl out there that wanna hook up i promise i’ll be in lust with you..will let you walk all over me as long as you give it up and make me squirt in the bedroom, i promise to spend each and every penny of mine trying to take care of you, your dreams, wishes, wants, desires, keep you in the lifestyle that you’re used to, i promise to let you make fat phobic and homophobic remarks and don’t forget ableist remarks about me as long as you don’t say/make them about anyone else in public where others can hear you cos you are supposed to be my questioning, non straight radical type of partner see…..i promise to cook for you EVERYDAY traditional, caribbean and other world wide fare. I promise to bend over and take whatever you dish as long as you do not hit me but don’t worry you can push me, drag me on the floor, step on my feet with your steel toe boots, watch oir make me do things that you are are physically difficult for me. Do you have a child/children, don’t worry i promise to help parent them and prepare myself as you dictate to become a parent for them and when the time come i will no longer contact or engage with them as is your desire you needn’t worry about me. And don’t worry even if you hit me, if you space it out and promise you’ll never do it again i will believe you.

Yes tell me you want to be with me forever, that i am the one for you, that you cannot imagine your life without me, tell me that you love and i am yours to use, abuse, humiliate as you wish.

Dear Mary, teach me the perseverance and the wisdom to trust in my own faith and my own abilities and my own abilities grant me the grace to know that i am guided and held in the care of the creators universe. keep me and guide me and care for me as your daughter

and lastly like my mother says: FIRE!!! holy ghost FIRE them and back to sender, they shall never EVer succeed, they will never set thier eyes on me as i am coming they are going and as they are going i am coming, may our paths NEVER cross.

AMEN