lunch with the rapist

So I’m at the library and you know I’m supposed to be studying industriously but I was up for q whole 12 hours yesterday marveling at the wonders of what a HD camera and fnal cut pro can do for you but that’s another topic altogether, if I had any ANY ANY balls whatsoever I would do my masters in fine art and fucking theory, that would be awesome but I’m thinking only of practicality…but I’ll think of specializing in something I love STILL.

Anyways I’m having lunch with the mtf Rapist..introducing the rapist.

Anyways I met this dude, hes just under thirty and I’m standing outside waiting for my friend he runs out and offers me a ride, I’m like no my friend is on her way..so he asks me the usual are you a student? Work etc to scare him off, I’m like yes, University student with a fondness for theory, hes like oh yeah what theory? I’m like huh? There are many..right now neolib/post col are my fav but my actual fav theory is the theory of false positivity and he laughs, knows what it is and can have a fucking convo about theory?!?

I’m floored, so hes not EXACTLY my type but I can feel myself getting wet already..i want his number. We go out for drinks about a week later, talk briefly inbetwn, till we meet and the fuckery begins… he ONLY wants to talk about sex, not sexuality which might have been stimulating but sex, fucking what position and shit? I’m like what do I look to this mtf? WHATTTT/ as in if this was the kind of convo/interaction I was looking for I could get from people more like my taste, as in fucking nasty shit..i tell him this and he steps it up a notch, to groping and wants to go to a hotel..…

I was already drunk and he actually was trying to take advantage which made me sad and was hilarious to me at the time..i’m like thank you for showing your hand, deep down you have no fucking respect, no fucking principles and you are NOT a bonafide Slut/ sex addict, if he was we could roll, but hes just an ass. Somehow I allow the mtf to come upstairs with me cos hes claiming drunk…when all hes had is a glass of wine, looking back and refuses to sleep on the couch, tries to fucking fuck me.

I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And it wasn’t until I was threatening to kick his fucking ass and was hitting him, that it stopped and I basically overpowered him (another advantage of being a big fat woman if to say i be lekpa, i no sure as the thing for go down, no seriously twice now i’ve used my bulk to push some idiot off me – yes i know say me too i be dopemu for inviting such people into my home, my life, to partake of the wondrousity that is me..i know  ), it took me a moment cos for the first time in my life I was fucking triggered in the moment, I had a flash of someone else trying to rape me and the feeling of HELPLESSNESS and resignation was fucking overwhelming overwhelming almost took over my whole body but I had to hold on just to stay grounded and centred cos he was not safe.

My beef is why? I know it is about about power but why why? Would you want to take something that is supposed to be shared by force, how can you think that buying someone a $30 plate and drinks for like $20 value is equal to her pussy? I’m like even if I was a whore, I’m not a fucking cheap whore, if you’re going to place a price on my pussy it better be more like dinner at the finest most gourmet restaurant, $300 bottle of wines, private fucking jet and in paris…no lie

Otherwise, respect your fucking self and realize that this is about mutual respect and HOPE, here I was thinking that fucking bitches, that I had met one intellectual who was not a misogynistic asswipe instead he is the worst kind of misogynist, the kind that can pretend, has language and theory can form fucking liberal all the while using, adopting a fucking mask of masculine emasculation only to claim power. That fucking shit if scary.

As for stating the fucking obvious, i dont care if i’m drunk, high off my fucking ass and naked and gyrating on your fucking body, if i say no, FUCKING NO MEANS NO….and no just because i invited you into my home, does not mean i am attracted to you r ass and am dying to fuck and if you think its a game, that once you get up to a womans home, get into her bed then you can pressure your way into fucking then that is fucking pathetic. I am not, I REPEAT , i do not regret, am ashamed by of fear my sexuality..if i want to fuck you, i’ve decided from almost the first time i see you if ur fuckable and if i fucking like and your bitch ass will know not from fucking feminine wiles but from my overt advances or i might just tell you that i’m wet and i want to fuck you..long before you EVEN saw it coming.

Another thing its always the mtf biatches who are all about hyper, hesistant feminine sexuality that have attempted rape or that bullshit i’m touching you to get you turned on and then you’ll fuck me even if u dont want to cos ur a good girl, sometimes thats hot ONLY in role play mtf otherwise thats fuicking called COERCION if i say no it fucking means NO, it doesnt fucking mean try harder..for fucks sakes!

ANOTHER thing, i’m like talking to my friends the ones that date african men, jamo man no go fit do that kind thing..for my experience so far no the african men in particular..its been normalized as if say thats part of the fucking game, na so dem take dey chase woman, FUCK THAT!, no biatch, i dont expect you to insult, abuse and disrespect me in my own house, keep it in your pants and your hands to yourself untill i tell you otherwise and i pity the next mtf that will try that shit cos i’m calling the fucking cops..one hand. ITS NOT FUCKING OK

I’m like give me straight up, patriach, the kind that will tell you woman stay in the kitchen have my kids and don’t leave the house, except you’re wrapped around me, that is clear that some blubbering house slave, that loves to play the fool, in this case position women as fucking bitches and vahina gentata’s only so that they can be just as fucking patriachial and myso gynistic as the other guy if not MORE..because no one is calling them on their shit and they are too fucking busy fronting like they’re down with womens lib.

So I’m having lunch with the fucking rapist, I could tie him up, bind his arms and leg painfully to a tree and beat his fucking ass black and blue till he confessed that he will never NEVER EVER attempt to fucking rape another woman or even touch another woman without her EXPRESS consent I will.

But in this case, I will have to settle for lunch, and an long tirade where I let my little girl talk to him, where this woman gets to tell him exactly what he did, exactly what he tried to do, that I see him and that I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER want anything to do with his fucking broke ass anyways and that hes not even on my fucking level, not intellectually, not in terms of looks, energy, NOTHING. I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy.

And hopefully that will be the end of this rapist chapter unless he wants to

· Credit card with at least $3000 for my shopping

· Flat screen HD TV, I’m talking 42 inch

· Jewels, gold/silver/jade – gemstones spree

· Furniture shopping for my apartment

· Ticket to naija plus expenses and ALL the arrangements

Unless he’s interested in/willing to treat me like the FUCKING PRINCESS that I am without so much as a fucking kiss, so that maybe, maybe I can see his use..otherwise get fucking lost. I’m counting on the fact that he is liar and is in fact not interested in dropping a dime – even though he claims that all he wants to do is spoil me and I’m like yeah you mean fucking rape. I don’t know about his fucking definition of spoil but its definitely NOT NOT NOT fucking fish and chips at the fucking pub..imagine?

butch 4 you…enjoy

If i EVER was butch i want to be do it right and look just like snoop with a little queen latifah from her UNITY days and lets not forget…DA Brat. maybe i’ll do a collage of my top 3 butch looks….just soooooo SEXY. mY fantasy: a woman no less than a size 16, complete with robust round bellyfor me to rub, in an agbada who is also packing complete with cap and the latest “italian” alligator skin shoes…YUM. For her, i swear to god i’d quit all my whoring ways…

on the critical ish side of things as i was looking at the pictures and loving what i was seeing, my appreciation for her look is mediated and filtered by my overall hiegtened sensitivity to the level of mysogyny that is downloaded and borrowed whole heartedly from patrichial and masculine culture. As i struggled with my ex husband over the limits and inflexibity of masculinity and what it meant/means to challenge it as i have been shown/watched one queer woman do with her partner, that the places where women who adopt masculinity need to do more to deconstruct it and attack it as they copy it and reinforce it is really important and unspoken to on the most part. Except of course by femmes… at least i wish they would do so more…..as more men question, heterosexuality and gender norms.performativity, i guess they’ll fit right in with the whole deconstruction of gender?

I don’t know, i’m speaking as one who adored and worshiped masculinity and its performance and have for many years and when i realized that i had swallowed the whole mysogynistic/power hungry and patriachal aspects of “butch/doing boi” (pointed out by my powerfully femme partner at the time) not to mention that from where i’m sitting it is harder for me to “do” femme and “look good” and challenge notions of beauty, disability, lookism, fatphobia, a person’s worth through they ways that i choose to deal with and interrogate and portay my own feminity that i’m working on finding a good fat happy femme place for myself and its difficult but i’m doing it to grow and to unearth and understand myself so that i can feel comfortable in my own skin.

Not to mention that i love being femme in general..maybe when i’m done i’ll switch over but in the mean time i like looking and fantasizing about masclunine performativity, gender play in general really turns me on.

guess thats why when it looked like the marriage had truly gone to hell in a hand basket: hubby came back promising to crossdress and gender play, i guess he thought that was my ultimate trump card. except it was too little too late. I can get gender play almost anywhere and i am fully aware of this HOWEVER, igbo, naija gender play….that’s a whole other story….that’s been real hard for me to come by but i guess i can take comfort in the fact that i have experienced it at least once in my life and it was definitely worth it