iternalized homophobia: we fucked then she left me for a doctor

this is a long overdue update on the igbo lesbian fantasy…that was rekindled here

Anyways i went from being ecstatic to being very very weary of this woman because she wasn’t saying she was bi, she was saying she was questioning and dating men, probably wanted to get married to one and there i was in full fledged fantasy land…not long after wondering what if? we could be a couple?

I mostly remain indiffrent and committed to us being/remaining simply friends, wa hang out whatever..simple right? and then one night we both REAL twisted as in i think a drank a whole bottle of brandy and had like a hideous amounts of tequila shots, next thing you know shes dancing and writhing and gyrating and rubbing, caressing ALL over me?????

Now normally it’d be time for a good old fashion, pump those break and slow your roll good old fashioned lesbian processing conversation but mty judgement was SEVERELY impaired and i was curious…

So we fuck. twice at night and once in the morning.

Then i left and went home. One week later after i’d called her later that day she calss me and wants to hang out i get us tickets for a show and later on she tells me that she just wants to be “friends” and all these other things that i do not recall at the moment and so i say to her ok thats cool but i’m confused about why you decide now, you could have spared me the bullshit before you got into my pants but its cool…i shoulds known better and stayed the FUCK away from a straight girl and by this i do not mean the biphobic sentiment that women who fuck men cannot have a relationship with women instead i mean those women who are literally just experimenting and are too unethical to tell you beforehand and so they circumvent all conversation where you might fucking find out that they have no real intentions/inclinations/preparedness to live a queer life instead you physically embody thier rebellion against thier boyfriend or are a manifiestation of thier desire to prove to themselves that they are eccentric, behemian and far from ordinary.

In reality however, that are far more committted deep down to thier desires and intentions of living a TRULY heteronormative existence with a middleaged husband behind a picket fence in a sburb or a box in the sky condo, they want the benefits of being a part of queer community, having queer friends without taking ANY of the risks, challenges that those of us who have painstakingly risked our family, home and EVER belonging to come out not as a grand gesture but because we needed the loving support of our family and most cherished as we liveed our queer lives..

I’ve known three of these women in my like so far, I’m happy to say that i’m over it, I dont care if you are from my local government area, from my maternal or paternal village, i dont care anymore, unless you ass can demonstrate a commitment to living a truly queer life, i’m not talking white people’s definition of a lesbian with birkenstocks and patchouli, i’m talking unless you’ve demonstrated a desire to live queerness, to appreciate from within, to live your life to reflect this inner desire as opposed to an exotification of the other..STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!

I’m realizing that part of the things that makes it iompossible for most of the naija girls i’ve met to commit to a queer life is deep internalized homophobia, the belief that we don’t exist, that we are unnatural, that we can never take each other seriously, well i exist and i’ve met several others and i have xample from when i be small pikin so clearly thats a myth. I’m committed to living my life the way my heart requires in order to be happy.

It is the other side of this internalized homophobia that makes me so very fucking desperate when it comes to igbo girls that at the slightest sign of queerness, i’m down…thats the same shit that got me into all my past fucked up relationships from exhusbands to exfucking friends…so I’m burying it.

From mow on, i’ll be checking myself, slow and steady, untill i see what i want, no leaps, no faith. There is no scarcity. We abound. That storyline is DEAD

its called being assertive not selfish: notes on living with truama + relationships…

1: identified pattern: saying I don’t want to do something and doing it anyways..communicates weakness and allows people to take advantage, communicates that they can get it from me anyways, if I don’t care enough about how I feel not to do it why should they? I’ve got to learn to totally put myself first not them and its called being assertive not selfish

Yesteday’s counseling session was good for me. I got my ass kicked by my counselor and it felt good that and the fact that I took advil followed by four shots will make anyone feel good I imagine J (yes I’m fully ware of my escapism) Anyways, we talked about what it means that I have a pattern of abusive relationships and follow them one after the other, that I end up somehow communicating that it is ok for me not to get my needs met and therefore permit the abuse to happen. where and how I learnt this behaviour is written all over my childhood. As a woman living with a disability I was raised to put EVERYONE and everything else before myself, I was to ALWAYS come last if I was to be a good woman, if people were going to forget that I had a disability and perhaps look kindly at me and let me in the rant and all of my childhood abusers forced me to put their needs first. Even when I got raped I’ll never forget my mother telling me that I need to basically NEVer tell anyone if I was going to succeed in life and by that she really meant get married which I did and fucked up (by her standards anyways) so 1 for me, 1 for mom.

As an aside I really like jack..emotionally he actually takes care of me, I don’t feel like I have to struggle and fight for my needs to be met sexually and emotionally just financially na im be the prob. In fact he encourages to state my needs and tries to anticipate and meet them. With all my other lovers I feel like it’s a constant battle where people just want to take from you and will take as much as they can whether you are willing or unwilling. This makes me so fucking sad and angry at the same time because then it means they are being dishonest and don’t really give a rat’s ass…they have no real integrity. It also means that they are lieing if they say they care for m or at least what caring is to them is not what it is to me.

I was thinking about all of this because of red and my ex husband and his complete disregard for me and my needs, even the sexual/basest of needs. It looks like the same pattern is about to rear its ugly head in relation to red, I’m starting to get that feeling that I’m not good enough.unworthy and its such an alarm in my head: but it is immediately followed by double talk on my part, self doubt and hyper critical ness..(I’m like, no I know she is not him but we did have a relationship that was fucked in its own way but that I tried really hard to save from descending into the very abyss of hell, and it is the same me that she is dealing with post ex husband…) in reality I’m not used to putting myself in the centre of my own relationships with people and when I do then I feel totally and completely ill at ease..literally.

Red says that she wants to have intimacy cuddle, kisses, touches, caresses, no fucking, I told her from the beginning and have consistently let her know that I want to be more than friends but I can live with being friends..i want her in my life. I’m not sure about all that intimacy that goes no where. But she goes back and forth and in that process according to my counselor I’ve communicated to her by cuddling with her anyways and leaving the door so wide open (by making it abundantly clear that I want a relationship with her no matter the cost, I’ve pretty much said this to her- actual words) that I’ll do it anyways even though that’s not what I want making it harder for me to get me needs met when she can get all of her needs met. And at the same time get to FREAK out that we are having a not quite lovership type of relationship. I’m not freaked out at all, I’m like that’s the end game…I don’t know what her end game is. All I want is to have her (and she is presently a stand in for most of the relationships, future and presnt )in my life under the best and most long term conditions.

So it’s looking like it will be hard, hard to set up boundaries, hard to actually refuse to do the things that I say and know that I do not want to do, I feel fearful, that if I do not do these things or act the way that people want me to act then I’ll lose them. Isn’t that the way life is? I mean that’s basically what I learnt from the collective, that’s what I’ve learnt from most people in my life but LORD knows I’m working hard and trying to get to a place where I can be who I am and fully welcome and invite people into my life trusting that they will appreciate me for who I am, that regardless of what they do or are willing/unwilling to do I will have my boundaries solid and firm.

That’s what my fear, really is about that if I don’t do what people want or say then I wont have them in my life, it makes it hard for me to even acknowledge my needs/ wants and by the time that I do its too late. I wish I could have helped out EVEN more and did this with my ex-husband that’s someone else that I did love so much that now I’m not even willing to let him hurt me anymore, I want to protect some of the good times that we had, the warm fuzzy moments that get eroded by every nasty thing that he does, the same with red, I’m fighting to hold on to the moments where I feel I actually experienced what it means to be/ feel loved and to share that with someone. That’s all love really is, isn’t it?

hope and its utility for survival as resistance

Its taken a lot, so much has happened, i’m already failing a class in my final year of university even as every single of my professors and peers constantly affirm to me that i am brilliant academically speaking of course. The reality is that i am supremely low functioning. I used to be considered Type A personality, super crip who just gets shot done. Now i do it not cos i enjoy, not cause i even really want to..i do it because i have to live. I have to survive and i have to succeed. I need money to live a life or leisure or even to support the kind of chang that i want to exist in the world. Its what jeeps me going..just going.

Recently though, the people in my life that i walked away from have somehow managed to reenter my life and it seems like they never left. I feel loved and feeling loved makes me feel responsible, like i should be living, like i should be accomplishing something in other for me to be around them and not fuck them up..not offer them pain and not offer them the horror that i’ve recieved in my own life.

I had to walk away from a relationship, no looking back and now we made out, flirted and came very close to fucking. She is someone who i have loved so completely and uncompromisingly that when i left heri felt like part of my joy/hope/expectations of joy in this world shifted. But our reunion is not quite like in the movies, its a tortured yet beautiful one, there was excess everywhere, i marvelled at the fact that we walking walking on the streets of toronto together, laughing talking smoking, that i met her friends and i started to check my self, to see if i was good enough for her. This girl has my heart, i could marry her in a quiet quaint little house in kenya, learn kiswahili and forget about everything besides her and the shape of her wondrous boxer clad backside. I am so ready to pack it all up and be a good wife: she is my fairy tale of african lesbian love.

Not of this is grounded in reality. In reality, i always hold myself back back, for fear of being vulnerable, rarely share my deeply cynical, jaded thoughts and i dont even try to sound intelligent, i’m too busy trying to make sure that my hair is perfectly coiffed, lip gloss on, must get good grades, keep good job to keep her around. I’m too busy making calculations of how to constantly present myself in the best light to her as desirable..i dont want to tell her this cos then she will be worried about my insecurities and how they spell doom.

Why do i love someone who looks and me and sees fat disabled trauma survivor, who sees cute and viciously harmful. there is no trust. why am i still in love with someone who thinks i was hatefull towards her because i left an abusive situation that she was not yet ready to live. I am not in love, i have love for her, i always will but at the present moment i am deeply infatuated with her and the idea of two young african lesbians who speak the same academise holding it together.

This is what i would say to her if only i could pick up the phone and call or even send her the email…but we are doing things diffrently i’m giving her space that she appears to need and this means so much to me that i want to take it slow and make sure that i’m being honest to myself every step of the way.

Dearest red,

yes it is true, that i have a completely romantic ideal about what our relationship should be. It is true that i wish i could go back to our relationship and what it could have been without the context that we found each other. I say this, verbalize it and inform you because i agree that it could be a set up for the both of us. Afterall even the good old days were not so very good, sometimes. but every relationship has its ups and downs, i do not expect perfection. i expect trust, honesty, intimacy, commitment and a shared life. When i have said that i loved you, you asked what that means to me i didn’t have the answer then but i know that this is what it means for you. That you are definitely one of the people that i considered spending the rest of my life. I gave you care, you gave me care, we once shared a deep bond that i continue to cherish.

Red, even though sadly what we had is gone, past tense. I see this meeting of our now as an opportunity to build to hold each other, to view and perceive of each other as we may, an opportunity to make up my own mind about you based on what i see, hear, and am exposed to and share with you. i believe in new beginnings. I’m not very good at leaving everything up in the moment and going from moment to moment. I need a little bit more security and commitment if i’m going to be fully open and vulnerable.

I am not afraid, i’m not even afraid of getting hurt or fucked up..life comes with fuck ups. I am not one to regret whole relationships. I am ready when you are.

I cannot say that i’m going avoid everyone who has “issues” we all have issues and i am the queen of issues. But i can promise my hardest to be honest, to be loving, caring, thoughtful, sharing even of the scariest and darkest moments all in good time. I’m begging for you to give us a real chance, to be open to the possibility of a loving relationship between us. Thats all i can really ask for or hope for given our shared past.

Most importantly, I’m hopeful. Thank you for that.

Always In love

I say infatuation because i felt longing, desire and pleasure that touched me deep inside like the response to a far distant cry when she kissed me, i could feel the hunger and want in her lips as they met mine. Also because although i already have love for her am i compatible with her as a lover? if the answer to that was yes, then i’m in love. But we are yet to find that out…She didn’t have to tell me that she’d missed me. Is it possible for us to start afresh. I cannot help but consider the possibility that this story can only include some kind of revenge on her part if she feels like a jilted lover. This is to prove to herself that she can indeed hurt me as much as i hurt her but thats ok. Isn’t it. I get to wake up beside her, grind up against her in the club, share breakfast without any awkward instead comfortable silence then sign me up? Is that the masochist in me?

Given the way that power works in this world can she love me complete with my sexual deviousness, disabiity toruturedness and all. will she even give me a shot or does she just want a good fuck? thats the one thing i dont want.

butch 4 you…enjoy

If i EVER was butch i want to be do it right and look just like snoop with a little queen latifah from her UNITY days and lets not forget…DA Brat. maybe i’ll do a collage of my top 3 butch looks….just soooooo SEXY. mY fantasy: a woman no less than a size 16, complete with robust round bellyfor me to rub, in an agbada who is also packing complete with cap and the latest “italian” alligator skin shoes…YUM. For her, i swear to god i’d quit all my whoring ways…

on the critical ish side of things as i was looking at the pictures and loving what i was seeing, my appreciation for her look is mediated and filtered by my overall hiegtened sensitivity to the level of mysogyny that is downloaded and borrowed whole heartedly from patrichial and masculine culture. As i struggled with my ex husband over the limits and inflexibity of masculinity and what it meant/means to challenge it as i have been shown/watched one queer woman do with her partner, that the places where women who adopt masculinity need to do more to deconstruct it and attack it as they copy it and reinforce it is really important and unspoken to on the most part. Except of course by femmes… at least i wish they would do so more…..as more men question, heterosexuality and gender norms.performativity, i guess they’ll fit right in with the whole deconstruction of gender?

I don’t know, i’m speaking as one who adored and worshiped masculinity and its performance and have for many years and when i realized that i had swallowed the whole mysogynistic/power hungry and patriachal aspects of “butch/doing boi” (pointed out by my powerfully femme partner at the time) not to mention that from where i’m sitting it is harder for me to “do” femme and “look good” and challenge notions of beauty, disability, lookism, fatphobia, a person’s worth through they ways that i choose to deal with and interrogate and portay my own feminity that i’m working on finding a good fat happy femme place for myself and its difficult but i’m doing it to grow and to unearth and understand myself so that i can feel comfortable in my own skin.

Not to mention that i love being femme in general..maybe when i’m done i’ll switch over but in the mean time i like looking and fantasizing about masclunine performativity, gender play in general really turns me on.

guess thats why when it looked like the marriage had truly gone to hell in a hand basket: hubby came back promising to crossdress and gender play, i guess he thought that was my ultimate trump card. except it was too little too late. I can get gender play almost anywhere and i am fully aware of this HOWEVER, igbo, naija gender play….that’s a whole other story….that’s been real hard for me to come by but i guess i can take comfort in the fact that i have experienced it at least once in my life and it was definitely worth it