iternalized homophobia: we fucked then she left me for a doctor

this is a long overdue update on the igbo lesbian fantasy…that was rekindled here

Anyways i went from being ecstatic to being very very weary of this woman because she wasn’t saying she was bi, she was saying she was questioning and dating men, probably wanted to get married to one and there i was in full fledged fantasy land…not long after wondering what if? we could be a couple?

I mostly remain indiffrent and committed to us being/remaining simply friends, wa hang out whatever..simple right? and then one night we both REAL twisted as in i think a drank a whole bottle of brandy and had like a hideous amounts of tequila shots, next thing you know shes dancing and writhing and gyrating and rubbing, caressing ALL over me?????

Now normally it’d be time for a good old fashion, pump those break and slow your roll good old fashioned lesbian processing conversation but mty judgement was SEVERELY impaired and i was curious…

So we fuck. twice at night and once in the morning.

Then i left and went home. One week later after i’d called her later that day she calss me and wants to hang out i get us tickets for a show and later on she tells me that she just wants to be “friends” and all these other things that i do not recall at the moment and so i say to her ok thats cool but i’m confused about why you decide now, you could have spared me the bullshit before you got into my pants but its cool…i shoulds known better and stayed the FUCK away from a straight girl and by this i do not mean the biphobic sentiment that women who fuck men cannot have a relationship with women instead i mean those women who are literally just experimenting and are too unethical to tell you beforehand and so they circumvent all conversation where you might fucking find out that they have no real intentions/inclinations/preparedness to live a queer life instead you physically embody thier rebellion against thier boyfriend or are a manifiestation of thier desire to prove to themselves that they are eccentric, behemian and far from ordinary.

In reality however, that are far more committted deep down to thier desires and intentions of living a TRULY heteronormative existence with a middleaged husband behind a picket fence in a sburb or a box in the sky condo, they want the benefits of being a part of queer community, having queer friends without taking ANY of the risks, challenges that those of us who have painstakingly risked our family, home and EVER belonging to come out not as a grand gesture but because we needed the loving support of our family and most cherished as we liveed our queer lives..

I’ve known three of these women in my like so far, I’m happy to say that i’m over it, I dont care if you are from my local government area, from my maternal or paternal village, i dont care anymore, unless you ass can demonstrate a commitment to living a truly queer life, i’m not talking white people’s definition of a lesbian with birkenstocks and patchouli, i’m talking unless you’ve demonstrated a desire to live queerness, to appreciate from within, to live your life to reflect this inner desire as opposed to an exotification of the other..STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!

I’m realizing that part of the things that makes it iompossible for most of the naija girls i’ve met to commit to a queer life is deep internalized homophobia, the belief that we don’t exist, that we are unnatural, that we can never take each other seriously, well i exist and i’ve met several others and i have xample from when i be small pikin so clearly thats a myth. I’m committed to living my life the way my heart requires in order to be happy.

It is the other side of this internalized homophobia that makes me so very fucking desperate when it comes to igbo girls that at the slightest sign of queerness, i’m down…thats the same shit that got me into all my past fucked up relationships from exhusbands to exfucking friends…so I’m burying it.

From mow on, i’ll be checking myself, slow and steady, untill i see what i want, no leaps, no faith. There is no scarcity. We abound. That storyline is DEAD

i’m that bitch:my life will be my revenge: dreams and sex

Life is good, really I can’t complain too too much, things are going a lot/little/just better than i thought but i want them Better Bettarer and better beta bettarest J

Right before i graduated, when i’m stressed out..its seems i get these dreams, something is chasing me dreams. Women who run with the wolves had a description of this..i need to go back and see what she says about the dark stranger or maybe its Bessie head and Gayle jones playing with my head (both have these haunting masculine characters that remind me of all the things that i love to hate in men and will often choose/gravitate to, which i need to continue to choose to walk AWAY from in all human beings, men women, trans, gender queer freaks alike )…..Don’t want such characteristics in anyone near me period. No excuses.

Davis in Eva’s man by Gayle Jones  reminds me so very much of Peter, fuck you like a whore peter, Peter the hustla.. , in some cases reminds me of all of my lovers in that weird i got you kind of way, i wonder what is it that makes possession so hot/sexy/irresistible to mE? I have a deep deep craving to be owned, used, possessed and utilized so thoroughly that when i think of it, i get moist, and fearful at the same time, most of my lovers have a clear way of owning me, either sexually, emotionally or someother way which is why i’ve been playing what i call S/M in my head and what others. My partners call freaky shit..good sex or she’ll let you do anything kind of play.

Its hard negotiating boundaries, my safety and keeping a scene in the bedroom, the backlash outside of a scene, besides my partners are not thinking of it as a SCENE persay instead they think of it as part of my personality and how i like to be treated in general which is FAR from the truth so i end up looking like a psycho unstable bitch who one minute likes to be flung around and the next is demanding that patriarchs get up and fucking pay their pussy bill or fucking do the god damned dishes…

I do get a little ‘testy’ cos i’m weary/hypersentitive to what a man who is uncritical of his position and power as a patriarch or in fact a self admitted, patriarch thinks when he’s “fucking you like a whore” you aint no longer like a ‘whore’…you don become akunna for im eye be dat….

I’m that bitch that swallows, i’m that bitch who takes it whenever however..all you got to do is bring it..one of my lovers called me EVERREADY. In one way i’m really proud of myself for crafting a sexuality that is truly queer no matter who the fuck i’m with, if i’m going to fuck you better be bending over backwards and forwards…i have to be excited and i’ve come to know what it takes, what it tastes like and what it feels like….

On the other hand i’m constantly afraid and expecting the punishment of a woman who is in control of her own sexuality and her body…I hope to get to a place where i stop wondering/fearing/worrying about all this shit which is all connected to do i ever want to be in a monogamous economically strategic arrangement EVER…for now i’ve decided the answer is NO. License to ‘mis’behave..YES.

 

Back to the scary masculine figure…Yesterday night i had a dream. It felt slightly lucid which worries me because i sort of belief in spirits and supernatural forces. So i’m in my bed, my room looks exactly the way it does as i fall asleep and a man appears in front of my door (when i picture my perfect man, physically speaking but nothing else speaking as in the perfect man that will fuck me up good, destroy my life kind of thing, an abusive motherfucker that i will either end up killing and going to jail or will have to do some drama to get away from). Maybe its from watching/witnessing my parents relationship but i have always assumed that i would always have one of those deadly but passionate up and down type relationships..at my mid twenties age, i’m happy to announce that i’m definitely getting over that whole desperate loving, hateful not really about loving another person/loving yourself type deal…i’m actually thinking/craving stability a slower, always burning interest and love and compatibility, in fact its a huge turn on.

But more importantantly i’m like i’m gotta plan to be happy and to be happy and secure being BY MYSELF. And even the act of dreaming/planning makes me super duper happ(ier)ish

So back to the dream..So he walks into the apartment, without getting up from lying down, i get up and go to the dootr to try and keep him out, he puts his hand in through the chain lock and unhinges the door and walks in..no fuss, no real struggle, hes very confident that he STRONGER than me and me struggle/resistance of anykind are a)expected, nothing surprises him and b)he is unthreatened..

He walks in, smug and says to me, i’m the man who has come to fuck you, with this wicked grin on his face, i say NO. I try to wake up and CAN’T. Usually if i want to wake up i can. And he moves to the living room, the kitchen to eat my food, he’s looking in the living room and i look with him and there are two boys less than 10, older than 5 and they’re sitting in front of a big screen tv watching tv..they’ve got their food in bowls in front of the tele, he says hello boys…I think Oh No not my sons, and i’m like SONS?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

So i get up from the bed, grab me keys to luck the doors and my cell phone..my thoughts are: i’ll call 911 and if anything happens at least they’ll hear it all, secondly i’ll lock the door and stand outside the door so that i can keep an eye out for the boys, the whole time the man is undisturbed (I know he can hear my thoughts as i can hear his..i can hear him, going you can try but you’ll find out for yourself that there is no point in struggling with me, i’m not going to bother, you’ll see for yourself, i’m just going to make it easier for you to submit when your ready by acting like i’m being nice to the boys, you’ll see you’ll really like it) All this, this thoughts are slowing me down and i struggling to pick up mu coat, pick up my keys, my phone and make it from the room to the door without breaking into a run or causing my boys to panic.

I get to the door close the door, that was a struggle, i used my mind to hinge the doors so that the door would like bu then as i locked the door, the lock wouldn’t work..as in my key was not locking the door, i’d twist the key, it would lock and then i’d check and it would be open. To my HORROR. I kept trying and trying and trying to lock the door and i was in tears..then i held the door shut with my hand and all the while he was walking slowly to the door, i knew he was going to get to the door, open it and pull me back in, he was telling me too…So i started calling 911, 911 wasn’t working..my phone wouldn’t even work, it was fully charged too..911 wouldn’t dial…

Just as he got to the door, my friend called and i woke up.  

Not sure what to make off the dream, except that i will find a way to lock that door and stop him from coming in and i’m not leaving no motherfucker with my sons!!!!

Maybe it has something to do with my desire to uproots and lock out certain patriarchal manifestations of masculinity from my life and to make sure that this is not a legacy that i pass on to any offspring that i have…My life will be my revenge, not in a fucked, my children will be my revenge way… which sadly is way too common in the women that i know, this legacy…

lunch with the rapist

So I’m at the library and you know I’m supposed to be studying industriously but I was up for q whole 12 hours yesterday marveling at the wonders of what a HD camera and fnal cut pro can do for you but that’s another topic altogether, if I had any ANY ANY balls whatsoever I would do my masters in fine art and fucking theory, that would be awesome but I’m thinking only of practicality…but I’ll think of specializing in something I love STILL.

Anyways I’m having lunch with the mtf Rapist..introducing the rapist.

Anyways I met this dude, hes just under thirty and I’m standing outside waiting for my friend he runs out and offers me a ride, I’m like no my friend is on her way..so he asks me the usual are you a student? Work etc to scare him off, I’m like yes, University student with a fondness for theory, hes like oh yeah what theory? I’m like huh? There are many..right now neolib/post col are my fav but my actual fav theory is the theory of false positivity and he laughs, knows what it is and can have a fucking convo about theory?!?

I’m floored, so hes not EXACTLY my type but I can feel myself getting wet already..i want his number. We go out for drinks about a week later, talk briefly inbetwn, till we meet and the fuckery begins… he ONLY wants to talk about sex, not sexuality which might have been stimulating but sex, fucking what position and shit? I’m like what do I look to this mtf? WHATTTT/ as in if this was the kind of convo/interaction I was looking for I could get from people more like my taste, as in fucking nasty shit..i tell him this and he steps it up a notch, to groping and wants to go to a hotel..…

I was already drunk and he actually was trying to take advantage which made me sad and was hilarious to me at the time..i’m like thank you for showing your hand, deep down you have no fucking respect, no fucking principles and you are NOT a bonafide Slut/ sex addict, if he was we could roll, but hes just an ass. Somehow I allow the mtf to come upstairs with me cos hes claiming drunk…when all hes had is a glass of wine, looking back and refuses to sleep on the couch, tries to fucking fuck me.

I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And it wasn’t until I was threatening to kick his fucking ass and was hitting him, that it stopped and I basically overpowered him (another advantage of being a big fat woman if to say i be lekpa, i no sure as the thing for go down, no seriously twice now i’ve used my bulk to push some idiot off me – yes i know say me too i be dopemu for inviting such people into my home, my life, to partake of the wondrousity that is me..i know  ), it took me a moment cos for the first time in my life I was fucking triggered in the moment, I had a flash of someone else trying to rape me and the feeling of HELPLESSNESS and resignation was fucking overwhelming overwhelming almost took over my whole body but I had to hold on just to stay grounded and centred cos he was not safe.

My beef is why? I know it is about about power but why why? Would you want to take something that is supposed to be shared by force, how can you think that buying someone a $30 plate and drinks for like $20 value is equal to her pussy? I’m like even if I was a whore, I’m not a fucking cheap whore, if you’re going to place a price on my pussy it better be more like dinner at the finest most gourmet restaurant, $300 bottle of wines, private fucking jet and in paris…no lie

Otherwise, respect your fucking self and realize that this is about mutual respect and HOPE, here I was thinking that fucking bitches, that I had met one intellectual who was not a misogynistic asswipe instead he is the worst kind of misogynist, the kind that can pretend, has language and theory can form fucking liberal all the while using, adopting a fucking mask of masculine emasculation only to claim power. That fucking shit if scary.

As for stating the fucking obvious, i dont care if i’m drunk, high off my fucking ass and naked and gyrating on your fucking body, if i say no, FUCKING NO MEANS NO….and no just because i invited you into my home, does not mean i am attracted to you r ass and am dying to fuck and if you think its a game, that once you get up to a womans home, get into her bed then you can pressure your way into fucking then that is fucking pathetic. I am not, I REPEAT , i do not regret, am ashamed by of fear my sexuality..if i want to fuck you, i’ve decided from almost the first time i see you if ur fuckable and if i fucking like and your bitch ass will know not from fucking feminine wiles but from my overt advances or i might just tell you that i’m wet and i want to fuck you..long before you EVEN saw it coming.

Another thing its always the mtf biatches who are all about hyper, hesistant feminine sexuality that have attempted rape or that bullshit i’m touching you to get you turned on and then you’ll fuck me even if u dont want to cos ur a good girl, sometimes thats hot ONLY in role play mtf otherwise thats fuicking called COERCION if i say no it fucking means NO, it doesnt fucking mean try harder..for fucks sakes!

ANOTHER thing, i’m like talking to my friends the ones that date african men, jamo man no go fit do that kind thing..for my experience so far no the african men in particular..its been normalized as if say thats part of the fucking game, na so dem take dey chase woman, FUCK THAT!, no biatch, i dont expect you to insult, abuse and disrespect me in my own house, keep it in your pants and your hands to yourself untill i tell you otherwise and i pity the next mtf that will try that shit cos i’m calling the fucking cops..one hand. ITS NOT FUCKING OK

I’m like give me straight up, patriach, the kind that will tell you woman stay in the kitchen have my kids and don’t leave the house, except you’re wrapped around me, that is clear that some blubbering house slave, that loves to play the fool, in this case position women as fucking bitches and vahina gentata’s only so that they can be just as fucking patriachial and myso gynistic as the other guy if not MORE..because no one is calling them on their shit and they are too fucking busy fronting like they’re down with womens lib.

So I’m having lunch with the fucking rapist, I could tie him up, bind his arms and leg painfully to a tree and beat his fucking ass black and blue till he confessed that he will never NEVER EVER attempt to fucking rape another woman or even touch another woman without her EXPRESS consent I will.

But in this case, I will have to settle for lunch, and an long tirade where I let my little girl talk to him, where this woman gets to tell him exactly what he did, exactly what he tried to do, that I see him and that I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER want anything to do with his fucking broke ass anyways and that hes not even on my fucking level, not intellectually, not in terms of looks, energy, NOTHING. I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy.

And hopefully that will be the end of this rapist chapter unless he wants to

· Credit card with at least $3000 for my shopping

· Flat screen HD TV, I’m talking 42 inch

· Jewels, gold/silver/jade – gemstones spree

· Furniture shopping for my apartment

· Ticket to naija plus expenses and ALL the arrangements

Unless he’s interested in/willing to treat me like the FUCKING PRINCESS that I am without so much as a fucking kiss, so that maybe, maybe I can see his use..otherwise get fucking lost. I’m counting on the fact that he is liar and is in fact not interested in dropping a dime – even though he claims that all he wants to do is spoil me and I’m like yeah you mean fucking rape. I don’t know about his fucking definition of spoil but its definitely NOT NOT NOT fucking fish and chips at the fucking pub..imagine?

its called being assertive not selfish: notes on living with truama + relationships…

1: identified pattern: saying I don’t want to do something and doing it anyways..communicates weakness and allows people to take advantage, communicates that they can get it from me anyways, if I don’t care enough about how I feel not to do it why should they? I’ve got to learn to totally put myself first not them and its called being assertive not selfish

Yesteday’s counseling session was good for me. I got my ass kicked by my counselor and it felt good that and the fact that I took advil followed by four shots will make anyone feel good I imagine J (yes I’m fully ware of my escapism) Anyways, we talked about what it means that I have a pattern of abusive relationships and follow them one after the other, that I end up somehow communicating that it is ok for me not to get my needs met and therefore permit the abuse to happen. where and how I learnt this behaviour is written all over my childhood. As a woman living with a disability I was raised to put EVERYONE and everything else before myself, I was to ALWAYS come last if I was to be a good woman, if people were going to forget that I had a disability and perhaps look kindly at me and let me in the rant and all of my childhood abusers forced me to put their needs first. Even when I got raped I’ll never forget my mother telling me that I need to basically NEVer tell anyone if I was going to succeed in life and by that she really meant get married which I did and fucked up (by her standards anyways) so 1 for me, 1 for mom.

As an aside I really like jack..emotionally he actually takes care of me, I don’t feel like I have to struggle and fight for my needs to be met sexually and emotionally just financially na im be the prob. In fact he encourages to state my needs and tries to anticipate and meet them. With all my other lovers I feel like it’s a constant battle where people just want to take from you and will take as much as they can whether you are willing or unwilling. This makes me so fucking sad and angry at the same time because then it means they are being dishonest and don’t really give a rat’s ass…they have no real integrity. It also means that they are lieing if they say they care for m or at least what caring is to them is not what it is to me.

I was thinking about all of this because of red and my ex husband and his complete disregard for me and my needs, even the sexual/basest of needs. It looks like the same pattern is about to rear its ugly head in relation to red, I’m starting to get that feeling that I’m not good enough.unworthy and its such an alarm in my head: but it is immediately followed by double talk on my part, self doubt and hyper critical ness..(I’m like, no I know she is not him but we did have a relationship that was fucked in its own way but that I tried really hard to save from descending into the very abyss of hell, and it is the same me that she is dealing with post ex husband…) in reality I’m not used to putting myself in the centre of my own relationships with people and when I do then I feel totally and completely ill at ease..literally.

Red says that she wants to have intimacy cuddle, kisses, touches, caresses, no fucking, I told her from the beginning and have consistently let her know that I want to be more than friends but I can live with being friends..i want her in my life. I’m not sure about all that intimacy that goes no where. But she goes back and forth and in that process according to my counselor I’ve communicated to her by cuddling with her anyways and leaving the door so wide open (by making it abundantly clear that I want a relationship with her no matter the cost, I’ve pretty much said this to her- actual words) that I’ll do it anyways even though that’s not what I want making it harder for me to get me needs met when she can get all of her needs met. And at the same time get to FREAK out that we are having a not quite lovership type of relationship. I’m not freaked out at all, I’m like that’s the end game…I don’t know what her end game is. All I want is to have her (and she is presently a stand in for most of the relationships, future and presnt )in my life under the best and most long term conditions.

So it’s looking like it will be hard, hard to set up boundaries, hard to actually refuse to do the things that I say and know that I do not want to do, I feel fearful, that if I do not do these things or act the way that people want me to act then I’ll lose them. Isn’t that the way life is? I mean that’s basically what I learnt from the collective, that’s what I’ve learnt from most people in my life but LORD knows I’m working hard and trying to get to a place where I can be who I am and fully welcome and invite people into my life trusting that they will appreciate me for who I am, that regardless of what they do or are willing/unwilling to do I will have my boundaries solid and firm.

That’s what my fear, really is about that if I don’t do what people want or say then I wont have them in my life, it makes it hard for me to even acknowledge my needs/ wants and by the time that I do its too late. I wish I could have helped out EVEN more and did this with my ex-husband that’s someone else that I did love so much that now I’m not even willing to let him hurt me anymore, I want to protect some of the good times that we had, the warm fuzzy moments that get eroded by every nasty thing that he does, the same with red, I’m fighting to hold on to the moments where I feel I actually experienced what it means to be/ feel loved and to share that with someone. That’s all love really is, isn’t it?

the return of red

I have a real weakness for red, its real, it compels me to leave the house, agree to social events that i wouldn’t normally as long as they can somehow coincide/give me a fucking excuse to call, text, visit so  there i am leaving  message so hopefully its been two weeks and i haven’t heard a word, i’m quietly going crazy, so texts saying that she coming right now to meet me, i abandon my friends for drinks with her, i spend my last $10 bucks fronting like i’m not dead broke on a tanqueray and a fudge marshmellow brownie. Apparently shes skipping her school work to say hello i want to ask her why in the fuck? did it take her two weeks and a VERY convenient call from me for us to meet. I don’t. I’m playing the femme girl here, i figure i’m still on probation, I do tell her that i’m very anxious- understatement of the year, my stomach was so tight, i don’t think i was breathing. i sat there are told her about the two weeks somehow the topic of sharing our written work came up and were both paying for our drinks and heading out the door.. you guessed it to her place.

We talk, this time, i exercise self restraint and composure, i want nothing more than to hold her, kiss her, tell her i missed her, that she shouldn’t stay away for so long instead i sit, arms folded and try to talk eventually through everything we talked shared parallel traumas, i confess that i want more, i move to her bed, she moves under the covers and we get to touching but the sex, the touching felt more like an excuse to refamiliarize ourselves with each other, like there was this internal pull, it was hardest, one of the hardest sex i’ve had with anyone, the attraction was there, the wetness everything but there was something else too, major hesitation on both our parts. I’m hoping it gets easier. I’m looking forward to it getting easier.

Usually sex is a sure banker for me, its simply, its about my body, i  get turned on, i can do casual sex even with my ex husband there are no strong attachments in the act itself, this time EVERYTHING, every moment had meaning and it was clear when she pulled back and i know she could see when i did.

When you know someone that well, can you just fuck? the thing is there’s gotta  be more in this for me than just a good fuck..that kinda easy to get.

She asked me what our future looked liked and i’m like i don’t know, how do i tell her that i’m not really planning on leaving anybody for her but i dont want to “cheat” on her, its like my insurance policy.  I see her again on saturday , i’m meeting her friends…thats the other thing i’m like you do you want to hang out at some naija club with 19 boys or go to some 19 dude’s house to get high and flirt and gist and shoot the shit. I’m like yup i do have a therapist, nope i’m not on medication though i seriously considred it and yup i did just use all my money last month to buy a leather jacket and a banging pair of shoes in spite of my anti capitalist rhetoric and no i dont know who wrote the latest book, reading art display..i’m not in the scene for recreational purposes AT ALL.  I’m in the scene strictly to network etc, no intersections of personal there, i’m not trying to save any world any more at least not right, its means no protest in my new shoes, cant march in heels (as if i wear heels but i can dream) just i’m not there anymore.

I think about electric can openers, the new LCDPlasma Tv i want for my living room, the upgrade kitchen aid food processor i want for christmass, a new leather couch, my hair, acrylic nails..not the activisty girl i used to be,i’m not sure she understands what i mean when i say that. In fact i cant stand most of the activististys especially on the realization that most of them are rich or have rich familiies that enable their whole walk around pretending/acting poor.

Red is NOt one of them, but she blends, i dont, i dont even try. I’m wonderiing will she wind and grind with me on some naija nite at a club to say 2ghots igwe? time will tell.

Yesterday and for the better part of today…all i’ve got on my mind is pussy, pussy juice, the taste of her, the familiarity, excitement mingled with regret of the how limited the way we knew each other was back then, that she wasn’t there as i grew, changed, shifted that i wasn’t there for her evolution either. It made just want to cry. I wanted to promise right there as i held on her, the place where her legs meet her thighs, my tongue in her pussy, my facing rubbing hard against her little just shaved pussy hairs, that i would try my darnest to make sure that this time, we defy all limits, that this time. i’m as open, childish, giddy, EVERYTHING as much as possible. No holding back…it’s gotten me heartbroken yes but never regret. I hate feeling regret. It just signifies waste.

No more, I’m so ready. fingers crossed.

so this turned out to be a rant….

I’m not sure of what is going on with me and sex. I like my sexuality. I’ve been working on finding a place where i am acualized where i can do and feel pleasure without going to a scared of vulnerability, this person will judge me as a slut mostly cerebral or totally disconnected emotional place where i’m so afraid of a memory that i’ll faze out and the person will notice leading me to me needing to explain myself and not wanting to deal with thier own definitions of “crazy” raped girl turned oversexed whore…too much work for me.

My friend of what? 7 months now (JACK)..i like him, i like who he is, i like that he likes me, enjoys it better when i’m free, at ease, is attentive to notice when i’m distracted/not quite there or anxious. I like his sense of humour, his no bullshit attitude to life, this ambition and practical i work for what i have, the fact that he understands how hes big brother/daddy for his family..i wonder about his relationship with his mom does he play husband too? I like the fact that he’s unassuming and gives me WIDE room and space while still checking in and staying in touch with me no drama, no bullshit. I like that he tries to show me he’s interested in me genuinely, oddly enough there no pressure, we can go out on dates or stay in and fuck ALL weekend, we’ve done that i’m REAL compatible with him but i’ve got no “romantic love ” feelings that i’m used to, no real passion, no fire. there’s no roller coaster but the reality is that when it comes down to it, i always pick him, i always pick spending time with him even if its just to watch a movie and he; as bad as it sounds motivates me…to just be myself, no judgements no pressure but i’m assured that he’ll be there. i like that about him, maybe its the gemini in him. I get it. I make commitments like that too. But i do miss the urges, compulsion, hes very very controlled and sometimes contained everything is parcelled out, doled out in a way that he can control and manage nothing ever out of step/routine…i don’t get that..i like spontaneity. I’m appreciating our relationship and wondering how long we can manage this before he decides that if he’s really going to be like obama then he’ll need his michelle. I’m definitely not a michelle, for one i don’t have an appropriate haircut nor do i like passing as presentable to whomever.

Then there’s Red, we talked sometime last week and she was just so far away, so diffrent from the red i remembered whom i could feel in my heart, whose warmth of her thighs held me raptured and made me write poetry I cannot deny that something came loose for me as we kissed, as i held her, it was something i wanted so very very badly, the intimacy and the way that i knew she was so very family with me, my history, what we’d shared was so real for me and full of passion. There was a time, infact many a times i’d metaphorically stuck my neck out and took a bullet for her. I’m hurt that past the rage, anger, rejection? that she feels, i don’t know cos even though i tried to broach the topic she said it was all firmly in the past and a mute point but not so cos we can’t move on. She just wants to be friends, while claiming to right to experience her attraction to me and expect reciprocation but i’m not there anymore. If i’m going to repress feelings so powerful then i’ll do so knowing and consciously. I’ll find a way to impermanently tie em’ down in the inner reccessses of my heart, i might get to liking them out and find that they’re not reciprocated in as much intensity as i feel them which already happened between us in the past..but she no longer remembers and I do. That leaves me with a lot of emotional responsibility and feelings to work out on my own without expecting any reasonable involvement from her. I can’t do it.

I’m not into cuddling as foreplay and after and sex or feeling desire and longing till i can’t see straight till i start feeling compelled and making decisions based on the wetness between my thighs. That shit has made me hella hella stupid..i aint going back there. Sex should be and can be and it has been about pleasure thats how its going to stay. I don’t want to start conflicting good sex with good love..they ain’t the same. I don’t know how she feels so i can’t even explain it to myself but i’ve said that i feel like she was never really there for me as much as i was for her. But now she gets to say that i rejected and acted hatefully towards her, thats bullshit. She was committed to people i was no longer committed to..there was no other way/chance/opportunity for our relationship to exist as anything except within a circle that i cut myself loose from. And now, i really really hate that she can’t see that i shouldn’t have to choose between my relationship with her and being in a totally abusive and toxic environment. Why can’t she use that info to appreciate my choice in the past.

I really want just me and her, out side of a circle, just figuring out what works but i’m not sure how that is going to work. I’ve called her twice now each time we hung out but its like if i don’t make a move shes happy where she is. I gotta find a way to be cool with that. I mean i have to find a way to make sense of it, to tell myself that it’s not my fault, that its not cos i’m fat or that i have a disability or that she thinks i’m a slut but instead she what? cant see just what i have to offer and that indeed what i have to offer is a great thing, that i have companionship to offer, true commitment that i will be myself that i will continue to grow and grow on myself that I am working on being very healthy…but the real is its not what she wants right now for whatever reason and i have to live with that. I could manipulate her, attempt to lie about who i’m fucking so that she wont ask me stupid fucking questions about std’s or sti’s when i get tested guaranteed every fucking three months and she can’t remember the last time she was…i’ll find a way to move on.

I feel like i have to hold on, still. How may fucking african lesbians who are out do i know who are under fucking 30, fuck lesbian, I’ll settle for bi or even exploring thier sexuality a whole fucking three including myself and i’ve fucked the other two and things didn’t seem to work out with both of them. Where the fuck is my african butch who can fist me till i squirt all over the bed, make breakfast and drop me off to my boyfriend for a date at HIS house? what the fuck? Why can’t people just fucking have sex, people who claim to be non hetero if you say you have fucking feelings for someone why NOT fucking take the fucking leap and FUCK them. god. i am NOT going to have sex with an older dyke who doesn’t understand the ways that she can be manipulative and predatory and the power that she has and asserts as the older one just so i can get a good fucking fisting, I am not going to fuck a skinny white chick who can’t remember the last time she fucking ate a good meal and thinks i’m strong powerful exotic african woman while she reserves the right to call herself a fucking girl.

I’m ready for something ELSE. DEAR UNIVERSE, Something else…some passion, sex, emotions..i’m so fucking bloody fucking double ass fuck, fucking READY goddamnit.

hope and its utility for survival as resistance

Its taken a lot, so much has happened, i’m already failing a class in my final year of university even as every single of my professors and peers constantly affirm to me that i am brilliant academically speaking of course. The reality is that i am supremely low functioning. I used to be considered Type A personality, super crip who just gets shot done. Now i do it not cos i enjoy, not cause i even really want to..i do it because i have to live. I have to survive and i have to succeed. I need money to live a life or leisure or even to support the kind of chang that i want to exist in the world. Its what jeeps me going..just going.

Recently though, the people in my life that i walked away from have somehow managed to reenter my life and it seems like they never left. I feel loved and feeling loved makes me feel responsible, like i should be living, like i should be accomplishing something in other for me to be around them and not fuck them up..not offer them pain and not offer them the horror that i’ve recieved in my own life.

I had to walk away from a relationship, no looking back and now we made out, flirted and came very close to fucking. She is someone who i have loved so completely and uncompromisingly that when i left heri felt like part of my joy/hope/expectations of joy in this world shifted. But our reunion is not quite like in the movies, its a tortured yet beautiful one, there was excess everywhere, i marvelled at the fact that we walking walking on the streets of toronto together, laughing talking smoking, that i met her friends and i started to check my self, to see if i was good enough for her. This girl has my heart, i could marry her in a quiet quaint little house in kenya, learn kiswahili and forget about everything besides her and the shape of her wondrous boxer clad backside. I am so ready to pack it all up and be a good wife: she is my fairy tale of african lesbian love.

Not of this is grounded in reality. In reality, i always hold myself back back, for fear of being vulnerable, rarely share my deeply cynical, jaded thoughts and i dont even try to sound intelligent, i’m too busy trying to make sure that my hair is perfectly coiffed, lip gloss on, must get good grades, keep good job to keep her around. I’m too busy making calculations of how to constantly present myself in the best light to her as desirable..i dont want to tell her this cos then she will be worried about my insecurities and how they spell doom.

Why do i love someone who looks and me and sees fat disabled trauma survivor, who sees cute and viciously harmful. there is no trust. why am i still in love with someone who thinks i was hatefull towards her because i left an abusive situation that she was not yet ready to live. I am not in love, i have love for her, i always will but at the present moment i am deeply infatuated with her and the idea of two young african lesbians who speak the same academise holding it together.

This is what i would say to her if only i could pick up the phone and call or even send her the email…but we are doing things diffrently i’m giving her space that she appears to need and this means so much to me that i want to take it slow and make sure that i’m being honest to myself every step of the way.

Dearest red,

yes it is true, that i have a completely romantic ideal about what our relationship should be. It is true that i wish i could go back to our relationship and what it could have been without the context that we found each other. I say this, verbalize it and inform you because i agree that it could be a set up for the both of us. Afterall even the good old days were not so very good, sometimes. but every relationship has its ups and downs, i do not expect perfection. i expect trust, honesty, intimacy, commitment and a shared life. When i have said that i loved you, you asked what that means to me i didn’t have the answer then but i know that this is what it means for you. That you are definitely one of the people that i considered spending the rest of my life. I gave you care, you gave me care, we once shared a deep bond that i continue to cherish.

Red, even though sadly what we had is gone, past tense. I see this meeting of our now as an opportunity to build to hold each other, to view and perceive of each other as we may, an opportunity to make up my own mind about you based on what i see, hear, and am exposed to and share with you. i believe in new beginnings. I’m not very good at leaving everything up in the moment and going from moment to moment. I need a little bit more security and commitment if i’m going to be fully open and vulnerable.

I am not afraid, i’m not even afraid of getting hurt or fucked up..life comes with fuck ups. I am not one to regret whole relationships. I am ready when you are.

I cannot say that i’m going avoid everyone who has “issues” we all have issues and i am the queen of issues. But i can promise my hardest to be honest, to be loving, caring, thoughtful, sharing even of the scariest and darkest moments all in good time. I’m begging for you to give us a real chance, to be open to the possibility of a loving relationship between us. Thats all i can really ask for or hope for given our shared past.

Most importantly, I’m hopeful. Thank you for that.

Always In love

I say infatuation because i felt longing, desire and pleasure that touched me deep inside like the response to a far distant cry when she kissed me, i could feel the hunger and want in her lips as they met mine. Also because although i already have love for her am i compatible with her as a lover? if the answer to that was yes, then i’m in love. But we are yet to find that out…She didn’t have to tell me that she’d missed me. Is it possible for us to start afresh. I cannot help but consider the possibility that this story can only include some kind of revenge on her part if she feels like a jilted lover. This is to prove to herself that she can indeed hurt me as much as i hurt her but thats ok. Isn’t it. I get to wake up beside her, grind up against her in the club, share breakfast without any awkward instead comfortable silence then sign me up? Is that the masochist in me?

Given the way that power works in this world can she love me complete with my sexual deviousness, disabiity toruturedness and all. will she even give me a shot or does she just want a good fuck? thats the one thing i dont want.

Tracking Jack…..1 (so after we’ve fucked senseless you still want to hang around?)

Ok no seriously, I’ve been writing but mostly things that are like diary pieces, aint nothing much else coming out of me at the moment. The deal is i finally got internet access back in my home, that took two weeks, still need a home phone, cell bill is getting of the hook, the mtfers refuse to fix the billion and one things wrong with the apartment that is lovely and that i love to death dont get me wrong but FIX it, i want everything to be PERFECT as perfect as it can be by the winter. I need to finalize the divorce, triple check it, figure out the money situation for my student loan which is almost double what it should be cos for two years i took thier money and flunked/dropped out whatever, nna na so your sister just dey run run around. THe scariest shit of all is that as i watch my pockets get to the negative or when i come home tired there is noone, no family, no friend really that i can go to say biko nu borrow me 5, tickets for transit, rice/bread..nothing. t times i think maybe this is i was soo fucking vilnerable and compromised in my dealings with ex bastard(s). How can you be in this canada and fucking starve. No money, no fucking food. Food has become the last thing on my priority it used to be the highest now i’m like fuck that, i need to pay my bills, FIRST and foremost i will never again deal with the horror of bad credit, that even worse. I need to get everything done before winter then i get paralyzed by the cold and all i want to do is read, eat, sleep or just eat and sleep.

On a different note, I’m growing a deepening attachment for my fuck buddy, this is worrisome. VERY VERY worrisome. The whole point if a fuck buddy is to be just that fuck buddies and nothing more. It has been very very good for me. I do not feel; sexually repressed and inclined to curse myself for having EVER agreed to enter into a lifebinding monogamous and heterosexual agreement even though i allowed myself to think that i could queer it up, who the fuck was i fooling?

So i met jack online..through a personals ad that was meant to make it clear that all i wanted was dick, so that i could fill up the vast empty space that i seem to have SOO Much of since ex hubby left but also to resume in full force my sluthood while allowing myself to experience and shape my sex life but also intimacy and the ways that I wanted to experience and encounter intimacy and sex with another. I chose straight black male.

He sent me a “cock pic” in response to my ad to which i replied requesting a face pic. He sent one immediately. Quite frankly his dick was NOT that impressive compared to the 10+ inchers who happen to be my “usuals” but as a commitment to decentering the penis/cock/phallus in my sexual desires and encounters and unpacking the way that the cock centrality is part of the heterosexual man’s arsenal. Jack sent me a face pic, it seemed sincere enough, dark enough, non chalant and without much respect/care for me that i quicky responded and he came over.

I had just gotten out of the shower when he knocked on my apartment door, which i opened in lingerie, that barely fit, it was from my skinny days but i wanted to show some effort. We hugged and went to the living room. I introduced myself, then realized that i’d given him the wrong name, diffrent name and handle from the personal ad.

We sat on my leather couch and then, I told him, “lets move to the room” We went to the bedroom, and started making small talk. how was your drive? student? working etc and he reached for me, drew me close and slowly teasingly planted a kiss on my lips. We talked some more, i was taken aback by his sensuality and tenderness, he continued his insistent soft and gentle kisses. that night i came over five times. i was amazed, his style was so diffrent, i’m used to  hurried forceful almost agressive, his confidence was queit. i felt savoured, relaxed it was a diffrent kind of intense.

Anyhoo..its been good i get a good and i’m talking GOOD at least 5 hours straight of hardcore, unrelenting sex  and intimacy and that sets me straight for a week and thats stretching it, usually 4 days, the thing about being married for me was having someone there, everytime, readily available, dick at hand everyday, sometimes a couple of times a day. I’m not even sure if that was all good, i stay in a sexually induced fog of sorts, nothing else matters except my love for dick. But recently i’ve been getting used to the idea of a beatdown once a week, then i move on with my life, hes not there all the time (what a contradiction eh!) no but it is good cos i know he’ll come back, i know hes there kinda thing so no codependency we both have our own lives.

Its been several moths now since this whole things started at first we were both (free to fuck other people) if he did i dont know, i did but then stopped too much work really and i lost interest, i want the good familiarity you build over time not some trial and error with a person who’s fumbling and thinks thier the best and it doesnt really matter cos you’re never gonna see them again after the blunders or just lack of chemistry. It gets tired after a while so i stopped cruising, we both decided to become exclusive but NOT monogamous. I don’t think i can ever EVER settle for monogamy in life again unless i get lazy. Dont get it twisted non monogamy aint easy. Exclusive but not monogamous means that i’m free to have other partners but hes primary, he comes first..why? i like him, dont want him walking just cos i got randy and wanted to taste some ass that aint gonnna hang around, you know? The things is if i do i gotta tell him, and i have to use protection no if ands or buts but with women i’m free to do whatever i please no restrictions, hes clear too.he will feel threatened by another masculine presence. Dont want him to get all macho on my ass.

diffrent overlapping tracks dont want to stay on the same one

That was fine but the thing is i’m starting to like him. It looks like this when he’s coming i rush to tidy up and never do cos i fight the impulse, point is i never gave a shit, i want him to call before he goes to bed which he does, usually, i want to get a midday text msg from him. I start thinking we are a bedroom couple i need to get over this shit and fast, as in we never venture outside of the bedroom, never even walk down the street together, hell i dont know what his car looks like and i’m what? NO.

While i’m thinking all this we meet and go for a walk first i downplayed it, coincidence, then he wants me to walk him again and hang out with him at the coffee shop, but i had to run, another coincidence, THEN he asked me to go see a SHOW with him, free tickets BUT he asks like an hour and half before the show started and i think ok we are both birds of the same feather here, cautious, fearful of getting heartbroken, that was not a coincidence, i’m no to read too much into that. Later that night he tells me he likes me! Im surprised, relieved and then i feel the cold grip of fear at the base of my spine and tears jolt of my eyes i bend my head and dragging his nipples into my mouth to hide the flow but i’m sure he felt me reach to wipe them off.

At that moment i realized once again how much that exbastard hurt me, how much it has changed me, the old me would have been thrilled excited and committed on the spot, now i’m sure- i want to slow, slow, slow no rush, organic evolution like this is good, that show i’ve managed to hit and cross the 3 month mark and we’re still good and i’m looking forward to it. And all of the sudden i felt self conscious, unworthy, undeserving, damaged goods everything came flooding back all of exbastards words about how no one can live with me, cope with me, how evil i am seemed to fill my head. I looked at all of them and the ones before them, i spoke some of them to him, telling him that i came with lots of baggage and that i wanted to take it sloe, that i found it difficult to trust people, that i hated being vulnerable but that i liked him too. So we decided to stay as we were, no rush except now we both knew we liked each other.

(I’m kinda like, well this goes against everything i’ve been taught as a good christian naija girl and hes christian too…i wonder how it works for him…so i’m like say word: so you fucked me senseless, know i’m divorced at my tender age and still want to hang around, you must be crazy….i’m immediately suspicious)- the sad part is that most people in spite of thier good intentions and because of the fact that we are all indoctrinated into a world systematic belief of domination, people treat each other, myself included accordingly….unless he’s an exception to the rule and i don’t want to find out the hard way that he is not. To much heartbreak. So i’m still not going to expect too much from him, not until i get to feeling like i cant be around him for so long, and not expect too much from him then i’ll just walk and hope it doesnt hurt like i just lost a limb. I’m like when is the truth about what he thinks about fat women gonna come up? of people with disabilities or africans? HOw is he putting it all together and does it matter. SEe i know it does. Cannot ignore that fact any more, So thats another reason why i gotta wait, wait till i know the risk or at least evaluate the risk

but the real is…i’m not going to walk away from what i have in my life or what i want for any reason, at least i’ll have tasted my dreams no matter how shortlived. He is also queer i keep meeting all these queer people by luck? and when i find them i stick, i’ve made it clear that i encourage all sexuality explorations and would even support actively by being involved or not. When we are together we play, its fun. I like it like that.

RED FLAG: has a vacation spot in his head, is very very good at seperating his emotions and his mind from his actions when he needs to and will do so often and at will. Why does this bother me: Isnt this a clear recipe for DENIAL. Meaning he can be in denial and be happy, Very fuckling happy in fact he can be in self induced wilfull denial.

RED FLAG: I find it so hard to have conversation with him about what he thinks like why he is so corporate minded, he goes insular, cant reach him, or the politics of masculinity cant reach him, whiteness, cant reach him, except for religion and sexuality…maybe hes taking his time too…??? It bothers me, i really cant predict his moves sometimes

I can do the same thing but not really, instead what i do is become obstinate, hold onto myself within myself and insulate myself so that i hear, i store everything going on around me but i’m not using it right there and then my actions are being guided by something else entirely, by ME. I do this when i dont want to be persuaded, moved, manipulated, conversed with, shared with. I just want to be left alone and the other person if they’re perceptive enough can feel it.ok so fine, i can also stay in denial for as long as i wish but i dont like it, i dont think it makes me a good, smarter, more intelligent person: in fact i think of it as a fatal flaw, it means i’ve got blind spots, there i things i simply will not allow myself to see/percieve which in turn means that there are situations that i could have handled better, if only i understood better, if only i would let myself see better…you know? I think its called emotionally intelligent. But i think the key is to see as much as you can, hear everything, understand it all and still choose to act of your own will and volitions, those are moves you never really regret.

So in order to balance all the hetero relations i’ve been craving pussy bad and met some dissapointment nothing to really write home about. I forgot how very hard it was to find a girl!

I’m tempted to say that i’n falling in love but even that is becoming way too romantic for me. I’m at a point in my life where i have tried several models of having relationships from open to polyamory to monogamous marriage and now i just want to think about what i like about different set ups and hold on to them or the people really as long as i do what i want and i get what i want then who the fuck cares.

Writting this though, i remember the days when i loved hard and fast, it was a feeling locked in me, like something clinched into place and i was committed to the person..no matter what. I’m not like that anymore, i think gave it, shared it too freely too easily with those around me and i’m glad i did now i cant force it, it just comes slower.

i am a naija slut/whore/bitch aka “akunna”….AMEN

Themes: On deconstructing romantic love, sexual politics and heterosexual, monogamous marriage and the violence and oppression of my naija, igbo self.

Aight so since the ex hubby left its been about a month now and i been soooo fucking horny. I used to fuck random strangers on the street but that works best in the summer time and you gotta look fuckable..nothing extra but feel good and look good enough to fuck and move all sexy to get people interested.

So i been answering personal ads on the internet..fucked one guy but he way too much of a wimp, insecure and too well behaved for me. See i enjoy a good HARD long dick..truth be told. I like it when i aint got no fucking feelings for that dick and its just a dick..especially with naija men the more you abuse and insult as in tell them you’re fucking other people cos thier dick is too small or cos they don’t know how to use it then the more they try, (which is usually my plan of attack so that we are clear that i am not expecting some kind of commitment from them where they are to treat me and expect me to behave like a good little girl that expects to get married to them someday or is just wishing that they would like me enough to get married to them someday and therefore giving them the mutherfucking license to cheat on me and lie and be dishonest and cruel since just plain up telling them that i’m interested in polyamory or a queer relationship is too much honesty for most naija men and too much exposure for me that is SOOOO not worth it since it will mostly and in the past usually over their heads…SOO over thier heads that they don’t even even see, nonetheless , I still pay a price for thier ignorance and stupidity because my shaky foundations and confidence get trampled on and the really strong decades old naija hetero norms program in me gets a reinforcement when i am viciously trying to attack it right down to its core, i figure a good place to start in any relationship is just cos you stuck your dick in this particular pussy does not and will never mean that it becomes yours..as in your property) the more they treat you with respect? in front of you sha (just be ready cos they’ll diss you and talk about how they just fucked you this way and that cos they’re hoping you are conservative and care cos you’re looking for a good husband one day, and your reputation and prospects are fucked cos the world world knows you a pussy slut bitch) Simply understood and may be referred to as the annihilate any threatening(yes feel free to be satisfied based on the fact that you have been identified as a *threat*) and rebellious female specimens they MUST submit under the power of the almighty and omnipresent DICK aka phallus.

So if you are looking for that good man to marry beware if not then fuck away. Anyways i already paid my paid (see in the eyes of my ex hubby my worth was depreciated because of the fact that i was not the holier than thou good princess whore and even more so because because even on my best days i was not a good pretend one, i was also generally unwillingly at least act like one and was mostly in fact committed to not looking, dressing, presenting, sounding like one ) maybe thats why the mutherfucking ex hubby of mine thought it was worth it to drag me around the house, call me a slut and tell me that he i was lucky cos if he had known how much of a slut i was then he wouldn’t have fucked me, not even with two rubbers.

Needless to say i quickly pointed out that he was more of a slut than i would ever be in terms of the number of ppl he had fucked and the types of sexual scenarios he’d gotten into and the number of women he’d fucked in one day but wait YES: that period of fucking around “when you are young” is officially sanctioned by patriachy and really doesn’t count as a defamation of his character and morality..in fact it was a testament of his good upstanding character and morality and ethics that he had learnt from the error of his “stick a dick in anything that walks” days and was now careful as opposed to terrified of catching an STD/AIDS or worse getting one of those “his bitch whores” pregnant and forever ruining his fucking chances of finding that holy princess goodgirl. In fact, i was less of a SLUT, because i was never and i am committed to and really do go out of my way at my own expense, too often, waaaaaay too often at my own expense to be honest about my sexual behaviours and partners all for he sake of making sure that i do not buy into the fucking sexual conservatism and control over my body that makes the words slut, bitch, whore so fucking powerful, see i didn’t have to read for that life lesson i learnt it when after i got raped, like most igbo girls , my parents decided out of thier concern for my future prospects in a culture that regarded a womans pussys as part of her worth an an indicator of her character and virtue as future property of her husband (hence the obsession with how many fucking people you’ve been with because it’s not really how many people you as a woman have been with its how many people your husband has been with, how many people your husband has shared the pussy that he “paid” so much money for for free and how many dicks have diped into his property, they were and will forever be tresspassers to the hubby because that pussy, your pussy was always it, it was meant for him and is only for him, the more tresspassers, the more sexual experience or in my case the more unwilling you are even if it is only in theory as was with me and not in practise, i allowed him to see to that then you can expect rage, resentment from “denying” him, his right, his entitlement as a man, his full and unquestioned ownership and power over your pussy.) And until he has it, theoretically and otherwise he is not fully a man in your eyes…he will say/think that you cannot view him as a man until you had it over.

Needless to say women obsess over thier dick too, now i’m starting to get the whole and two become thing, but men have a patriachial naija social structure culture that expands thier manhood the more they spread it around. His friends, family and everyone else in between will openly or somehow support him, he will be doned with “player” status..he can conquer and own not just one pussy but 2, 3, 4, 5 and is therefore as strong as manly as virile as 1,2,3,4 MEN. See that there is my standpoint on being the “other woman” who i have been and am often invited to be, mostly because of my understood “depreciated value status” but to keep it REAL, i would consider the other woman status as long as i had my own freedom as in i still owned my pussy and I was KEPT, i mean KEPT, monthly allowance, rent/mortgage, etc but none of the men i know would sign up for that.

The one that has fucked but acts like a good girl, lets him dominate her sexually and in not sexually enthused not does she care for sex much beyond pleased the formidable dick of her naija lover/prince/king and the creator sanctioned act of procreation among man and wife. He will pledge his undying love for this woman based on the expectation and knowledge that no matter how many times he hits her/no matter how many he dips his marauding dick into the diseased honey pot of women who are nothing more that bitch whores who cannot control thier urges and keep thier legs together she will never stray from her one and only dick. She will always wait for her one and dick and she will accept her prodigal dick when it comes back to her.

We fought me and my igbo “good boy” exhubby EVERYDAY on shit like this. Even my couples counsellor said that she felt that we were two icons not two beings in a conversation because i refused to throw out and banish the voices in my head from too many books, from wanting something to change in the way that naija women allowed themselves to unneccessaryly be ruled/collude in thier own oppression, because i did not want to or rather was no longer interested in colluding to my own oppression…i was trying to work things out. I watched my mother, groan and grunt under patriachial oppression in a marriage, she stayed with a partner who was unfaithful to her and then beat her to pieces *literally* based on accusations of infidelity and too much “iwaanya” basically she was shining her eye too much, she was not submissive enough.

My counsellor, a woman betrayed me saying that i was too much of a feminist and that ex hubby should leave me couching it in words like i never talked about my feelings (which i did..but i was looked to for all the fucking analysis while my intelligent good husband-because he allowed me to drag him to couples counselling for no apparent reason other than slight emotional, physical abuse that was reduced to “incidents”, which till today have allowed him to continue to minimize the severity of his action and to attempt to convince me that somehow i am exaggerating bu thank god..i saw my mother live through what she did and endure what she did and fight for her space and freedom much later on..tooo much later on but at least she put on a fight and if she could then by fucking christ i CAN TOO. )…i’m like feelings. why not ask him how he feels that he can say such demeaning, dehumanizing, mean spirited and cruel tings to someone that he SAYS he loves. Just so that he can control her? Which mouth are you going to come and kiss the person, tell the person you love them?

and people say that i carry things for too long that i am not forgiving. I spoke to his mother, he called her trying to appease me and trying to get me to stay so that he can get his fucking papers for free. His mother said that papers aside, her son loves me, that it is not too bad, that i should forgive him, that he will NEVER do it again. I felt soo sad, i thought wow, so now i get to look like the unforgiving akata bitch that is trying to ruin her son’s life just because of a little incident, the insolent akata that has no regard for the words of her elders who know best. It broke my heart, i wanted, i need an alliance with this woman, she is the matriach her son NEVER makes a move without her overall approval even though he doesn’t know it. I tried to explain that there wasn’t one incident, ther wasn’t two, three or four and as ashamed as i am to tell..it’s true. There was a whole climate of fear, of intimidation, of emotional blackmails and attacks to my consciousness..its like a virus, it was everywhere. I wanted to tell her that it was even in this call, i did not consent to the call, i did not agree to speak to her, i did not even have time to prepare both he wanted to call and hedid and me out of my own fear and desire to please reacted according..another button pushed…

It’s not that i am not forgiving, i am bitter, because the impact and the implication of those words ALONE are not gone. I’m still feeling them. IT hurt. I’m human not some feminist statue that needs to be knocked down at all costs. Above all that i was his wife.

In the end i think i idealized hetero, monogamous marriage more than he EVER did because to me he should have treated me like his queen, like someone he loved and cherished not someone he would readily and easily harm (but isn’t that the very design of hetero marriage to subjugate a woman, keep her always on her knees, ISn’t that what i knowingly and willfully signed up for? I guess that’s the utility of the myth of romantic love, love was to cover and shield me and allow me to stay in denial…when all else fails tell a woman that you love her that she is the ONE. And me, a romantic fool for *LOVE*, i have not given any serious thought to how beneficial it is to the perpetuation of violence in he lives of woman helping me to believe in a false solidarity that is really only sided, a solidarity with patriachial hetro monogamy + marriage all so that i can decieve myself into thinking that i had ownership of my very own dick that was really just on a temporary to possibly permanent lease depending on my performance in adherence to strict terms and conditions), I’ve always wanted my very own dick, my knight in shining armour, my igbo okonkwo..still working of disarming that virus!

but his willingness and easy readiness to do me harm and stop at no lengths simply to control me or acquire my obedience….should have been a clear sign of where his heart was..maybe she was right after all it would have helped if i was to have just talked about my feelings instead of using politics to analyze everything..but it was from politics that gave me the insights to think what i did and feel the way hat i did. anyways if you’re going to counseling, marriage counselling MAKE SURE your counsellor has a feminist standpoint/praxis.

I am learning not to willingly, subject myself to oppression, to aquiesece to it, to submit to it and least not without a fight and on my good days i think that it is simply worth doing..for my own sanity for my own peace, peace of mind.

I think about my ex hubby and how sometimes i feel like i have lost soo much i feel like i will never know..i think that he was offering me a kind of exchange oppression but really what it was was just space more space for him to experience things and be supported without oppression to realize his full sexual self to explore things that gender bending, cross dressing and BDSM meanwhile i was stuck in some kind of flasback of marriage where i was rotting, i was decaying i was not explorin the things that really interested me and in the mean time i had to live with a man who questioned my intelligence, my sense of worth because of my disability and my loyalty? or is it personal ethics because i was forcing him to move and stretch and shift in ways that he NEVER imagined and it was ALL for my benefit.

The only thing is, it wasn’t for my benefit..i wasn’t quite there..yes no doubt i benefited from having a husband and the immediate hetero validation and communal respect that goes along with that but its not like it was getting me a job or anything..i’m not playing that particular game, instead it was affecting , my lesbian rep which is sad and a whole topic on its own. Sexually i was not expanding i was regressing, same with emotionally etc and i was starting to realize that in the choices that i started to consider and worse in the choices that i made and actually lived with. for ex: after a man threatened me physically i went ahead and married him..of course i took secret comfort in the knowledge that if it ever came down to it and it did..i may not win but by sheer volume size i would have a fighting chance and i did have a fucking fighting chance (i have an ex to thank for that)

Knowing how hard it is find people with whom you can be emotionally present with, safely explore gender boundaries with and be queer with ESP naija ppl they are theoretically not even supposed to exist. I mean he was the only one that i EVER found (but i still have some time and i wasn’t safe with him so who am i fucking kidding) I felt so afraid of letting him go…i was like maybe if i put up with it he will get better, he will learn, he will change, I did to a certain extent..but not untill i left and was faced with the cold hard fact that what i had was precious was REAL resistance in ways that counted. I still feel like which other igbo guy will like me stick something up his ass? that will not be sooo caught up in stupid macho, patriachy, homophobia to allow himself experience that..to push himself to go there, to allow himself to be fucked..the funny thing is i think my ex hubby got it..he understood the fucking sexual politics of getting fucked and thats why he felt the need to demand my attention and assert his authority over me..to basically find other ways to be a “man”, to find other ways to fuck me. Why wasn’t it enough that he fucked me and i fucked him? why wasn’t it enough? why can’t it be enough?

it would be goood, good to actually support him through his process, if i had the support of other like minded ppl to people which reminds me that i did have that at same point but then he never would have had the opportunity nor would i have met him..anyways

The real is that when i remember being afraid of him, when i remember the cold hand of fear sneaking up my back and my impulse to cause him harm..i’m ok to just let it go.