iternalized homophobia: we fucked then she left me for a doctor

this is a long overdue update on the igbo lesbian fantasy…that was rekindled here

Anyways i went from being ecstatic to being very very weary of this woman because she wasn’t saying she was bi, she was saying she was questioning and dating men, probably wanted to get married to one and there i was in full fledged fantasy land…not long after wondering what if? we could be a couple?

I mostly remain indiffrent and committed to us being/remaining simply friends, wa hang out whatever..simple right? and then one night we both REAL twisted as in i think a drank a whole bottle of brandy and had like a hideous amounts of tequila shots, next thing you know shes dancing and writhing and gyrating and rubbing, caressing ALL over me?????

Now normally it’d be time for a good old fashion, pump those break and slow your roll good old fashioned lesbian processing conversation but mty judgement was SEVERELY impaired and i was curious…

So we fuck. twice at night and once in the morning.

Then i left and went home. One week later after i’d called her later that day she calss me and wants to hang out i get us tickets for a show and later on she tells me that she just wants to be “friends” and all these other things that i do not recall at the moment and so i say to her ok thats cool but i’m confused about why you decide now, you could have spared me the bullshit before you got into my pants but its cool…i shoulds known better and stayed the FUCK away from a straight girl and by this i do not mean the biphobic sentiment that women who fuck men cannot have a relationship with women instead i mean those women who are literally just experimenting and are too unethical to tell you beforehand and so they circumvent all conversation where you might fucking find out that they have no real intentions/inclinations/preparedness to live a queer life instead you physically embody thier rebellion against thier boyfriend or are a manifiestation of thier desire to prove to themselves that they are eccentric, behemian and far from ordinary.

In reality however, that are far more committted deep down to thier desires and intentions of living a TRULY heteronormative existence with a middleaged husband behind a picket fence in a sburb or a box in the sky condo, they want the benefits of being a part of queer community, having queer friends without taking ANY of the risks, challenges that those of us who have painstakingly risked our family, home and EVER belonging to come out not as a grand gesture but because we needed the loving support of our family and most cherished as we liveed our queer lives..

I’ve known three of these women in my like so far, I’m happy to say that i’m over it, I dont care if you are from my local government area, from my maternal or paternal village, i dont care anymore, unless you ass can demonstrate a commitment to living a truly queer life, i’m not talking white people’s definition of a lesbian with birkenstocks and patchouli, i’m talking unless you’ve demonstrated a desire to live queerness, to appreciate from within, to live your life to reflect this inner desire as opposed to an exotification of the other..STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!

I’m realizing that part of the things that makes it iompossible for most of the naija girls i’ve met to commit to a queer life is deep internalized homophobia, the belief that we don’t exist, that we are unnatural, that we can never take each other seriously, well i exist and i’ve met several others and i have xample from when i be small pikin so clearly thats a myth. I’m committed to living my life the way my heart requires in order to be happy.

It is the other side of this internalized homophobia that makes me so very fucking desperate when it comes to igbo girls that at the slightest sign of queerness, i’m down…thats the same shit that got me into all my past fucked up relationships from exhusbands to exfucking friends…so I’m burying it.

From mow on, i’ll be checking myself, slow and steady, untill i see what i want, no leaps, no faith. There is no scarcity. We abound. That storyline is DEAD

its called being assertive not selfish: notes on living with truama + relationships…

1: identified pattern: saying I don’t want to do something and doing it anyways..communicates weakness and allows people to take advantage, communicates that they can get it from me anyways, if I don’t care enough about how I feel not to do it why should they? I’ve got to learn to totally put myself first not them and its called being assertive not selfish

Yesteday’s counseling session was good for me. I got my ass kicked by my counselor and it felt good that and the fact that I took advil followed by four shots will make anyone feel good I imagine J (yes I’m fully ware of my escapism) Anyways, we talked about what it means that I have a pattern of abusive relationships and follow them one after the other, that I end up somehow communicating that it is ok for me not to get my needs met and therefore permit the abuse to happen. where and how I learnt this behaviour is written all over my childhood. As a woman living with a disability I was raised to put EVERYONE and everything else before myself, I was to ALWAYS come last if I was to be a good woman, if people were going to forget that I had a disability and perhaps look kindly at me and let me in the rant and all of my childhood abusers forced me to put their needs first. Even when I got raped I’ll never forget my mother telling me that I need to basically NEVer tell anyone if I was going to succeed in life and by that she really meant get married which I did and fucked up (by her standards anyways) so 1 for me, 1 for mom.

As an aside I really like jack..emotionally he actually takes care of me, I don’t feel like I have to struggle and fight for my needs to be met sexually and emotionally just financially na im be the prob. In fact he encourages to state my needs and tries to anticipate and meet them. With all my other lovers I feel like it’s a constant battle where people just want to take from you and will take as much as they can whether you are willing or unwilling. This makes me so fucking sad and angry at the same time because then it means they are being dishonest and don’t really give a rat’s ass…they have no real integrity. It also means that they are lieing if they say they care for m or at least what caring is to them is not what it is to me.

I was thinking about all of this because of red and my ex husband and his complete disregard for me and my needs, even the sexual/basest of needs. It looks like the same pattern is about to rear its ugly head in relation to red, I’m starting to get that feeling that I’m not good enough.unworthy and its such an alarm in my head: but it is immediately followed by double talk on my part, self doubt and hyper critical ness..(I’m like, no I know she is not him but we did have a relationship that was fucked in its own way but that I tried really hard to save from descending into the very abyss of hell, and it is the same me that she is dealing with post ex husband…) in reality I’m not used to putting myself in the centre of my own relationships with people and when I do then I feel totally and completely ill at ease..literally.

Red says that she wants to have intimacy cuddle, kisses, touches, caresses, no fucking, I told her from the beginning and have consistently let her know that I want to be more than friends but I can live with being friends..i want her in my life. I’m not sure about all that intimacy that goes no where. But she goes back and forth and in that process according to my counselor I’ve communicated to her by cuddling with her anyways and leaving the door so wide open (by making it abundantly clear that I want a relationship with her no matter the cost, I’ve pretty much said this to her- actual words) that I’ll do it anyways even though that’s not what I want making it harder for me to get me needs met when she can get all of her needs met. And at the same time get to FREAK out that we are having a not quite lovership type of relationship. I’m not freaked out at all, I’m like that’s the end game…I don’t know what her end game is. All I want is to have her (and she is presently a stand in for most of the relationships, future and presnt )in my life under the best and most long term conditions.

So it’s looking like it will be hard, hard to set up boundaries, hard to actually refuse to do the things that I say and know that I do not want to do, I feel fearful, that if I do not do these things or act the way that people want me to act then I’ll lose them. Isn’t that the way life is? I mean that’s basically what I learnt from the collective, that’s what I’ve learnt from most people in my life but LORD knows I’m working hard and trying to get to a place where I can be who I am and fully welcome and invite people into my life trusting that they will appreciate me for who I am, that regardless of what they do or are willing/unwilling to do I will have my boundaries solid and firm.

That’s what my fear, really is about that if I don’t do what people want or say then I wont have them in my life, it makes it hard for me to even acknowledge my needs/ wants and by the time that I do its too late. I wish I could have helped out EVEN more and did this with my ex-husband that’s someone else that I did love so much that now I’m not even willing to let him hurt me anymore, I want to protect some of the good times that we had, the warm fuzzy moments that get eroded by every nasty thing that he does, the same with red, I’m fighting to hold on to the moments where I feel I actually experienced what it means to be/ feel loved and to share that with someone. That’s all love really is, isn’t it?

the return of red

I have a real weakness for red, its real, it compels me to leave the house, agree to social events that i wouldn’t normally as long as they can somehow coincide/give me a fucking excuse to call, text, visit so  there i am leaving  message so hopefully its been two weeks and i haven’t heard a word, i’m quietly going crazy, so texts saying that she coming right now to meet me, i abandon my friends for drinks with her, i spend my last $10 bucks fronting like i’m not dead broke on a tanqueray and a fudge marshmellow brownie. Apparently shes skipping her school work to say hello i want to ask her why in the fuck? did it take her two weeks and a VERY convenient call from me for us to meet. I don’t. I’m playing the femme girl here, i figure i’m still on probation, I do tell her that i’m very anxious- understatement of the year, my stomach was so tight, i don’t think i was breathing. i sat there are told her about the two weeks somehow the topic of sharing our written work came up and were both paying for our drinks and heading out the door.. you guessed it to her place.

We talk, this time, i exercise self restraint and composure, i want nothing more than to hold her, kiss her, tell her i missed her, that she shouldn’t stay away for so long instead i sit, arms folded and try to talk eventually through everything we talked shared parallel traumas, i confess that i want more, i move to her bed, she moves under the covers and we get to touching but the sex, the touching felt more like an excuse to refamiliarize ourselves with each other, like there was this internal pull, it was hardest, one of the hardest sex i’ve had with anyone, the attraction was there, the wetness everything but there was something else too, major hesitation on both our parts. I’m hoping it gets easier. I’m looking forward to it getting easier.

Usually sex is a sure banker for me, its simply, its about my body, i  get turned on, i can do casual sex even with my ex husband there are no strong attachments in the act itself, this time EVERYTHING, every moment had meaning and it was clear when she pulled back and i know she could see when i did.

When you know someone that well, can you just fuck? the thing is there’s gotta  be more in this for me than just a good fuck..that kinda easy to get.

She asked me what our future looked liked and i’m like i don’t know, how do i tell her that i’m not really planning on leaving anybody for her but i dont want to “cheat” on her, its like my insurance policy.  I see her again on saturday , i’m meeting her friends…thats the other thing i’m like you do you want to hang out at some naija club with 19 boys or go to some 19 dude’s house to get high and flirt and gist and shoot the shit. I’m like yup i do have a therapist, nope i’m not on medication though i seriously considred it and yup i did just use all my money last month to buy a leather jacket and a banging pair of shoes in spite of my anti capitalist rhetoric and no i dont know who wrote the latest book, reading art display..i’m not in the scene for recreational purposes AT ALL.  I’m in the scene strictly to network etc, no intersections of personal there, i’m not trying to save any world any more at least not right, its means no protest in my new shoes, cant march in heels (as if i wear heels but i can dream) just i’m not there anymore.

I think about electric can openers, the new LCDPlasma Tv i want for my living room, the upgrade kitchen aid food processor i want for christmass, a new leather couch, my hair, acrylic nails..not the activisty girl i used to be,i’m not sure she understands what i mean when i say that. In fact i cant stand most of the activististys especially on the realization that most of them are rich or have rich familiies that enable their whole walk around pretending/acting poor.

Red is NOt one of them, but she blends, i dont, i dont even try. I’m wonderiing will she wind and grind with me on some naija nite at a club to say 2ghots igwe? time will tell.

Yesterday and for the better part of today…all i’ve got on my mind is pussy, pussy juice, the taste of her, the familiarity, excitement mingled with regret of the how limited the way we knew each other was back then, that she wasn’t there as i grew, changed, shifted that i wasn’t there for her evolution either. It made just want to cry. I wanted to promise right there as i held on her, the place where her legs meet her thighs, my tongue in her pussy, my facing rubbing hard against her little just shaved pussy hairs, that i would try my darnest to make sure that this time, we defy all limits, that this time. i’m as open, childish, giddy, EVERYTHING as much as possible. No holding back…it’s gotten me heartbroken yes but never regret. I hate feeling regret. It just signifies waste.

No more, I’m so ready. fingers crossed.

so this turned out to be a rant….

I’m not sure of what is going on with me and sex. I like my sexuality. I’ve been working on finding a place where i am acualized where i can do and feel pleasure without going to a scared of vulnerability, this person will judge me as a slut mostly cerebral or totally disconnected emotional place where i’m so afraid of a memory that i’ll faze out and the person will notice leading me to me needing to explain myself and not wanting to deal with thier own definitions of “crazy” raped girl turned oversexed whore…too much work for me.

My friend of what? 7 months now (JACK)..i like him, i like who he is, i like that he likes me, enjoys it better when i’m free, at ease, is attentive to notice when i’m distracted/not quite there or anxious. I like his sense of humour, his no bullshit attitude to life, this ambition and practical i work for what i have, the fact that he understands how hes big brother/daddy for his family..i wonder about his relationship with his mom does he play husband too? I like the fact that he’s unassuming and gives me WIDE room and space while still checking in and staying in touch with me no drama, no bullshit. I like that he tries to show me he’s interested in me genuinely, oddly enough there no pressure, we can go out on dates or stay in and fuck ALL weekend, we’ve done that i’m REAL compatible with him but i’ve got no “romantic love ” feelings that i’m used to, no real passion, no fire. there’s no roller coaster but the reality is that when it comes down to it, i always pick him, i always pick spending time with him even if its just to watch a movie and he; as bad as it sounds motivates me…to just be myself, no judgements no pressure but i’m assured that he’ll be there. i like that about him, maybe its the gemini in him. I get it. I make commitments like that too. But i do miss the urges, compulsion, hes very very controlled and sometimes contained everything is parcelled out, doled out in a way that he can control and manage nothing ever out of step/routine…i don’t get that..i like spontaneity. I’m appreciating our relationship and wondering how long we can manage this before he decides that if he’s really going to be like obama then he’ll need his michelle. I’m definitely not a michelle, for one i don’t have an appropriate haircut nor do i like passing as presentable to whomever.

Then there’s Red, we talked sometime last week and she was just so far away, so diffrent from the red i remembered whom i could feel in my heart, whose warmth of her thighs held me raptured and made me write poetry I cannot deny that something came loose for me as we kissed, as i held her, it was something i wanted so very very badly, the intimacy and the way that i knew she was so very family with me, my history, what we’d shared was so real for me and full of passion. There was a time, infact many a times i’d metaphorically stuck my neck out and took a bullet for her. I’m hurt that past the rage, anger, rejection? that she feels, i don’t know cos even though i tried to broach the topic she said it was all firmly in the past and a mute point but not so cos we can’t move on. She just wants to be friends, while claiming to right to experience her attraction to me and expect reciprocation but i’m not there anymore. If i’m going to repress feelings so powerful then i’ll do so knowing and consciously. I’ll find a way to impermanently tie em’ down in the inner reccessses of my heart, i might get to liking them out and find that they’re not reciprocated in as much intensity as i feel them which already happened between us in the past..but she no longer remembers and I do. That leaves me with a lot of emotional responsibility and feelings to work out on my own without expecting any reasonable involvement from her. I can’t do it.

I’m not into cuddling as foreplay and after and sex or feeling desire and longing till i can’t see straight till i start feeling compelled and making decisions based on the wetness between my thighs. That shit has made me hella hella stupid..i aint going back there. Sex should be and can be and it has been about pleasure thats how its going to stay. I don’t want to start conflicting good sex with good love..they ain’t the same. I don’t know how she feels so i can’t even explain it to myself but i’ve said that i feel like she was never really there for me as much as i was for her. But now she gets to say that i rejected and acted hatefully towards her, thats bullshit. She was committed to people i was no longer committed to..there was no other way/chance/opportunity for our relationship to exist as anything except within a circle that i cut myself loose from. And now, i really really hate that she can’t see that i shouldn’t have to choose between my relationship with her and being in a totally abusive and toxic environment. Why can’t she use that info to appreciate my choice in the past.

I really want just me and her, out side of a circle, just figuring out what works but i’m not sure how that is going to work. I’ve called her twice now each time we hung out but its like if i don’t make a move shes happy where she is. I gotta find a way to be cool with that. I mean i have to find a way to make sense of it, to tell myself that it’s not my fault, that its not cos i’m fat or that i have a disability or that she thinks i’m a slut but instead she what? cant see just what i have to offer and that indeed what i have to offer is a great thing, that i have companionship to offer, true commitment that i will be myself that i will continue to grow and grow on myself that I am working on being very healthy…but the real is its not what she wants right now for whatever reason and i have to live with that. I could manipulate her, attempt to lie about who i’m fucking so that she wont ask me stupid fucking questions about std’s or sti’s when i get tested guaranteed every fucking three months and she can’t remember the last time she was…i’ll find a way to move on.

I feel like i have to hold on, still. How may fucking african lesbians who are out do i know who are under fucking 30, fuck lesbian, I’ll settle for bi or even exploring thier sexuality a whole fucking three including myself and i’ve fucked the other two and things didn’t seem to work out with both of them. Where the fuck is my african butch who can fist me till i squirt all over the bed, make breakfast and drop me off to my boyfriend for a date at HIS house? what the fuck? Why can’t people just fucking have sex, people who claim to be non hetero if you say you have fucking feelings for someone why NOT fucking take the fucking leap and FUCK them. god. i am NOT going to have sex with an older dyke who doesn’t understand the ways that she can be manipulative and predatory and the power that she has and asserts as the older one just so i can get a good fucking fisting, I am not going to fuck a skinny white chick who can’t remember the last time she fucking ate a good meal and thinks i’m strong powerful exotic african woman while she reserves the right to call herself a fucking girl.

I’m ready for something ELSE. DEAR UNIVERSE, Something else…some passion, sex, emotions..i’m so fucking bloody fucking double ass fuck, fucking READY goddamnit.

hope and its utility for survival as resistance

Its taken a lot, so much has happened, i’m already failing a class in my final year of university even as every single of my professors and peers constantly affirm to me that i am brilliant academically speaking of course. The reality is that i am supremely low functioning. I used to be considered Type A personality, super crip who just gets shot done. Now i do it not cos i enjoy, not cause i even really want to..i do it because i have to live. I have to survive and i have to succeed. I need money to live a life or leisure or even to support the kind of chang that i want to exist in the world. Its what jeeps me going..just going.

Recently though, the people in my life that i walked away from have somehow managed to reenter my life and it seems like they never left. I feel loved and feeling loved makes me feel responsible, like i should be living, like i should be accomplishing something in other for me to be around them and not fuck them up..not offer them pain and not offer them the horror that i’ve recieved in my own life.

I had to walk away from a relationship, no looking back and now we made out, flirted and came very close to fucking. She is someone who i have loved so completely and uncompromisingly that when i left heri felt like part of my joy/hope/expectations of joy in this world shifted. But our reunion is not quite like in the movies, its a tortured yet beautiful one, there was excess everywhere, i marvelled at the fact that we walking walking on the streets of toronto together, laughing talking smoking, that i met her friends and i started to check my self, to see if i was good enough for her. This girl has my heart, i could marry her in a quiet quaint little house in kenya, learn kiswahili and forget about everything besides her and the shape of her wondrous boxer clad backside. I am so ready to pack it all up and be a good wife: she is my fairy tale of african lesbian love.

Not of this is grounded in reality. In reality, i always hold myself back back, for fear of being vulnerable, rarely share my deeply cynical, jaded thoughts and i dont even try to sound intelligent, i’m too busy trying to make sure that my hair is perfectly coiffed, lip gloss on, must get good grades, keep good job to keep her around. I’m too busy making calculations of how to constantly present myself in the best light to her as desirable..i dont want to tell her this cos then she will be worried about my insecurities and how they spell doom.

Why do i love someone who looks and me and sees fat disabled trauma survivor, who sees cute and viciously harmful. there is no trust. why am i still in love with someone who thinks i was hatefull towards her because i left an abusive situation that she was not yet ready to live. I am not in love, i have love for her, i always will but at the present moment i am deeply infatuated with her and the idea of two young african lesbians who speak the same academise holding it together.

This is what i would say to her if only i could pick up the phone and call or even send her the email…but we are doing things diffrently i’m giving her space that she appears to need and this means so much to me that i want to take it slow and make sure that i’m being honest to myself every step of the way.

Dearest red,

yes it is true, that i have a completely romantic ideal about what our relationship should be. It is true that i wish i could go back to our relationship and what it could have been without the context that we found each other. I say this, verbalize it and inform you because i agree that it could be a set up for the both of us. Afterall even the good old days were not so very good, sometimes. but every relationship has its ups and downs, i do not expect perfection. i expect trust, honesty, intimacy, commitment and a shared life. When i have said that i loved you, you asked what that means to me i didn’t have the answer then but i know that this is what it means for you. That you are definitely one of the people that i considered spending the rest of my life. I gave you care, you gave me care, we once shared a deep bond that i continue to cherish.

Red, even though sadly what we had is gone, past tense. I see this meeting of our now as an opportunity to build to hold each other, to view and perceive of each other as we may, an opportunity to make up my own mind about you based on what i see, hear, and am exposed to and share with you. i believe in new beginnings. I’m not very good at leaving everything up in the moment and going from moment to moment. I need a little bit more security and commitment if i’m going to be fully open and vulnerable.

I am not afraid, i’m not even afraid of getting hurt or fucked up..life comes with fuck ups. I am not one to regret whole relationships. I am ready when you are.

I cannot say that i’m going avoid everyone who has “issues” we all have issues and i am the queen of issues. But i can promise my hardest to be honest, to be loving, caring, thoughtful, sharing even of the scariest and darkest moments all in good time. I’m begging for you to give us a real chance, to be open to the possibility of a loving relationship between us. Thats all i can really ask for or hope for given our shared past.

Most importantly, I’m hopeful. Thank you for that.

Always In love

I say infatuation because i felt longing, desire and pleasure that touched me deep inside like the response to a far distant cry when she kissed me, i could feel the hunger and want in her lips as they met mine. Also because although i already have love for her am i compatible with her as a lover? if the answer to that was yes, then i’m in love. But we are yet to find that out…She didn’t have to tell me that she’d missed me. Is it possible for us to start afresh. I cannot help but consider the possibility that this story can only include some kind of revenge on her part if she feels like a jilted lover. This is to prove to herself that she can indeed hurt me as much as i hurt her but thats ok. Isn’t it. I get to wake up beside her, grind up against her in the club, share breakfast without any awkward instead comfortable silence then sign me up? Is that the masochist in me?

Given the way that power works in this world can she love me complete with my sexual deviousness, disabiity toruturedness and all. will she even give me a shot or does she just want a good fuck? thats the one thing i dont want.

Tracking Jack…..1 (so after we’ve fucked senseless you still want to hang around?)

Ok no seriously, I’ve been writing but mostly things that are like diary pieces, aint nothing much else coming out of me at the moment. The deal is i finally got internet access back in my home, that took two weeks, still need a home phone, cell bill is getting of the hook, the mtfers refuse to fix the billion and one things wrong with the apartment that is lovely and that i love to death dont get me wrong but FIX it, i want everything to be PERFECT as perfect as it can be by the winter. I need to finalize the divorce, triple check it, figure out the money situation for my student loan which is almost double what it should be cos for two years i took thier money and flunked/dropped out whatever, nna na so your sister just dey run run around. THe scariest shit of all is that as i watch my pockets get to the negative or when i come home tired there is noone, no family, no friend really that i can go to say biko nu borrow me 5, tickets for transit, rice/bread..nothing. t times i think maybe this is i was soo fucking vilnerable and compromised in my dealings with ex bastard(s). How can you be in this canada and fucking starve. No money, no fucking food. Food has become the last thing on my priority it used to be the highest now i’m like fuck that, i need to pay my bills, FIRST and foremost i will never again deal with the horror of bad credit, that even worse. I need to get everything done before winter then i get paralyzed by the cold and all i want to do is read, eat, sleep or just eat and sleep.

On a different note, I’m growing a deepening attachment for my fuck buddy, this is worrisome. VERY VERY worrisome. The whole point if a fuck buddy is to be just that fuck buddies and nothing more. It has been very very good for me. I do not feel; sexually repressed and inclined to curse myself for having EVER agreed to enter into a lifebinding monogamous and heterosexual agreement even though i allowed myself to think that i could queer it up, who the fuck was i fooling?

So i met jack online..through a personals ad that was meant to make it clear that all i wanted was dick, so that i could fill up the vast empty space that i seem to have SOO Much of since ex hubby left but also to resume in full force my sluthood while allowing myself to experience and shape my sex life but also intimacy and the ways that I wanted to experience and encounter intimacy and sex with another. I chose straight black male.

He sent me a “cock pic” in response to my ad to which i replied requesting a face pic. He sent one immediately. Quite frankly his dick was NOT that impressive compared to the 10+ inchers who happen to be my “usuals” but as a commitment to decentering the penis/cock/phallus in my sexual desires and encounters and unpacking the way that the cock centrality is part of the heterosexual man’s arsenal. Jack sent me a face pic, it seemed sincere enough, dark enough, non chalant and without much respect/care for me that i quicky responded and he came over.

I had just gotten out of the shower when he knocked on my apartment door, which i opened in lingerie, that barely fit, it was from my skinny days but i wanted to show some effort. We hugged and went to the living room. I introduced myself, then realized that i’d given him the wrong name, diffrent name and handle from the personal ad.

We sat on my leather couch and then, I told him, “lets move to the room” We went to the bedroom, and started making small talk. how was your drive? student? working etc and he reached for me, drew me close and slowly teasingly planted a kiss on my lips. We talked some more, i was taken aback by his sensuality and tenderness, he continued his insistent soft and gentle kisses. that night i came over five times. i was amazed, his style was so diffrent, i’m used to  hurried forceful almost agressive, his confidence was queit. i felt savoured, relaxed it was a diffrent kind of intense.

Anyhoo..its been good i get a good and i’m talking GOOD at least 5 hours straight of hardcore, unrelenting sex  and intimacy and that sets me straight for a week and thats stretching it, usually 4 days, the thing about being married for me was having someone there, everytime, readily available, dick at hand everyday, sometimes a couple of times a day. I’m not even sure if that was all good, i stay in a sexually induced fog of sorts, nothing else matters except my love for dick. But recently i’ve been getting used to the idea of a beatdown once a week, then i move on with my life, hes not there all the time (what a contradiction eh!) no but it is good cos i know he’ll come back, i know hes there kinda thing so no codependency we both have our own lives.

Its been several moths now since this whole things started at first we were both (free to fuck other people) if he did i dont know, i did but then stopped too much work really and i lost interest, i want the good familiarity you build over time not some trial and error with a person who’s fumbling and thinks thier the best and it doesnt really matter cos you’re never gonna see them again after the blunders or just lack of chemistry. It gets tired after a while so i stopped cruising, we both decided to become exclusive but NOT monogamous. I don’t think i can ever EVER settle for monogamy in life again unless i get lazy. Dont get it twisted non monogamy aint easy. Exclusive but not monogamous means that i’m free to have other partners but hes primary, he comes first..why? i like him, dont want him walking just cos i got randy and wanted to taste some ass that aint gonnna hang around, you know? The things is if i do i gotta tell him, and i have to use protection no if ands or buts but with women i’m free to do whatever i please no restrictions, hes clear too.he will feel threatened by another masculine presence. Dont want him to get all macho on my ass.

diffrent overlapping tracks dont want to stay on the same one

That was fine but the thing is i’m starting to like him. It looks like this when he’s coming i rush to tidy up and never do cos i fight the impulse, point is i never gave a shit, i want him to call before he goes to bed which he does, usually, i want to get a midday text msg from him. I start thinking we are a bedroom couple i need to get over this shit and fast, as in we never venture outside of the bedroom, never even walk down the street together, hell i dont know what his car looks like and i’m what? NO.

While i’m thinking all this we meet and go for a walk first i downplayed it, coincidence, then he wants me to walk him again and hang out with him at the coffee shop, but i had to run, another coincidence, THEN he asked me to go see a SHOW with him, free tickets BUT he asks like an hour and half before the show started and i think ok we are both birds of the same feather here, cautious, fearful of getting heartbroken, that was not a coincidence, i’m no to read too much into that. Later that night he tells me he likes me! Im surprised, relieved and then i feel the cold grip of fear at the base of my spine and tears jolt of my eyes i bend my head and dragging his nipples into my mouth to hide the flow but i’m sure he felt me reach to wipe them off.

At that moment i realized once again how much that exbastard hurt me, how much it has changed me, the old me would have been thrilled excited and committed on the spot, now i’m sure- i want to slow, slow, slow no rush, organic evolution like this is good, that show i’ve managed to hit and cross the 3 month mark and we’re still good and i’m looking forward to it. And all of the sudden i felt self conscious, unworthy, undeserving, damaged goods everything came flooding back all of exbastards words about how no one can live with me, cope with me, how evil i am seemed to fill my head. I looked at all of them and the ones before them, i spoke some of them to him, telling him that i came with lots of baggage and that i wanted to take it sloe, that i found it difficult to trust people, that i hated being vulnerable but that i liked him too. So we decided to stay as we were, no rush except now we both knew we liked each other.

(I’m kinda like, well this goes against everything i’ve been taught as a good christian naija girl and hes christian too…i wonder how it works for him…so i’m like say word: so you fucked me senseless, know i’m divorced at my tender age and still want to hang around, you must be crazy….i’m immediately suspicious)- the sad part is that most people in spite of thier good intentions and because of the fact that we are all indoctrinated into a world systematic belief of domination, people treat each other, myself included accordingly….unless he’s an exception to the rule and i don’t want to find out the hard way that he is not. To much heartbreak. So i’m still not going to expect too much from him, not until i get to feeling like i cant be around him for so long, and not expect too much from him then i’ll just walk and hope it doesnt hurt like i just lost a limb. I’m like when is the truth about what he thinks about fat women gonna come up? of people with disabilities or africans? HOw is he putting it all together and does it matter. SEe i know it does. Cannot ignore that fact any more, So thats another reason why i gotta wait, wait till i know the risk or at least evaluate the risk

but the real is…i’m not going to walk away from what i have in my life or what i want for any reason, at least i’ll have tasted my dreams no matter how shortlived. He is also queer i keep meeting all these queer people by luck? and when i find them i stick, i’ve made it clear that i encourage all sexuality explorations and would even support actively by being involved or not. When we are together we play, its fun. I like it like that.

RED FLAG: has a vacation spot in his head, is very very good at seperating his emotions and his mind from his actions when he needs to and will do so often and at will. Why does this bother me: Isnt this a clear recipe for DENIAL. Meaning he can be in denial and be happy, Very fuckling happy in fact he can be in self induced wilfull denial.

RED FLAG: I find it so hard to have conversation with him about what he thinks like why he is so corporate minded, he goes insular, cant reach him, or the politics of masculinity cant reach him, whiteness, cant reach him, except for religion and sexuality…maybe hes taking his time too…??? It bothers me, i really cant predict his moves sometimes

I can do the same thing but not really, instead what i do is become obstinate, hold onto myself within myself and insulate myself so that i hear, i store everything going on around me but i’m not using it right there and then my actions are being guided by something else entirely, by ME. I do this when i dont want to be persuaded, moved, manipulated, conversed with, shared with. I just want to be left alone and the other person if they’re perceptive enough can feel it.ok so fine, i can also stay in denial for as long as i wish but i dont like it, i dont think it makes me a good, smarter, more intelligent person: in fact i think of it as a fatal flaw, it means i’ve got blind spots, there i things i simply will not allow myself to see/percieve which in turn means that there are situations that i could have handled better, if only i understood better, if only i would let myself see better…you know? I think its called emotionally intelligent. But i think the key is to see as much as you can, hear everything, understand it all and still choose to act of your own will and volitions, those are moves you never really regret.

So in order to balance all the hetero relations i’ve been craving pussy bad and met some dissapointment nothing to really write home about. I forgot how very hard it was to find a girl!

I’m tempted to say that i’n falling in love but even that is becoming way too romantic for me. I’m at a point in my life where i have tried several models of having relationships from open to polyamory to monogamous marriage and now i just want to think about what i like about different set ups and hold on to them or the people really as long as i do what i want and i get what i want then who the fuck cares.

Writting this though, i remember the days when i loved hard and fast, it was a feeling locked in me, like something clinched into place and i was committed to the person..no matter what. I’m not like that anymore, i think gave it, shared it too freely too easily with those around me and i’m glad i did now i cant force it, it just comes slower.