iternalized homophobia: we fucked then she left me for a doctor

this is a long overdue update on the igbo lesbian fantasy…that was rekindled here

Anyways i went from being ecstatic to being very very weary of this woman because she wasn’t saying she was bi, she was saying she was questioning and dating men, probably wanted to get married to one and there i was in full fledged fantasy land…not long after wondering what if? we could be a couple?

I mostly remain indiffrent and committed to us being/remaining simply friends, wa hang out whatever..simple right? and then one night we both REAL twisted as in i think a drank a whole bottle of brandy and had like a hideous amounts of tequila shots, next thing you know shes dancing and writhing and gyrating and rubbing, caressing ALL over me?????

Now normally it’d be time for a good old fashion, pump those break and slow your roll good old fashioned lesbian processing conversation but mty judgement was SEVERELY impaired and i was curious…

So we fuck. twice at night and once in the morning.

Then i left and went home. One week later after i’d called her later that day she calss me and wants to hang out i get us tickets for a show and later on she tells me that she just wants to be “friends” and all these other things that i do not recall at the moment and so i say to her ok thats cool but i’m confused about why you decide now, you could have spared me the bullshit before you got into my pants but its cool…i shoulds known better and stayed the FUCK away from a straight girl and by this i do not mean the biphobic sentiment that women who fuck men cannot have a relationship with women instead i mean those women who are literally just experimenting and are too unethical to tell you beforehand and so they circumvent all conversation where you might fucking find out that they have no real intentions/inclinations/preparedness to live a queer life instead you physically embody thier rebellion against thier boyfriend or are a manifiestation of thier desire to prove to themselves that they are eccentric, behemian and far from ordinary.

In reality however, that are far more committted deep down to thier desires and intentions of living a TRULY heteronormative existence with a middleaged husband behind a picket fence in a sburb or a box in the sky condo, they want the benefits of being a part of queer community, having queer friends without taking ANY of the risks, challenges that those of us who have painstakingly risked our family, home and EVER belonging to come out not as a grand gesture but because we needed the loving support of our family and most cherished as we liveed our queer lives..

I’ve known three of these women in my like so far, I’m happy to say that i’m over it, I dont care if you are from my local government area, from my maternal or paternal village, i dont care anymore, unless you ass can demonstrate a commitment to living a truly queer life, i’m not talking white people’s definition of a lesbian with birkenstocks and patchouli, i’m talking unless you’ve demonstrated a desire to live queerness, to appreciate from within, to live your life to reflect this inner desire as opposed to an exotification of the other..STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!

I’m realizing that part of the things that makes it iompossible for most of the naija girls i’ve met to commit to a queer life is deep internalized homophobia, the belief that we don’t exist, that we are unnatural, that we can never take each other seriously, well i exist and i’ve met several others and i have xample from when i be small pikin so clearly thats a myth. I’m committed to living my life the way my heart requires in order to be happy.

It is the other side of this internalized homophobia that makes me so very fucking desperate when it comes to igbo girls that at the slightest sign of queerness, i’m down…thats the same shit that got me into all my past fucked up relationships from exhusbands to exfucking friends…so I’m burying it.

From mow on, i’ll be checking myself, slow and steady, untill i see what i want, no leaps, no faith. There is no scarcity. We abound. That storyline is DEAD

i cry

Today I feel sad. I feel sad because I feel mostly alone, I do not feel abandoned by people in my life by the people who I know love me I just feel like I’m all alone. This time though it feels really really sad. I feel sad that I do not have my family there to share the minutia of my life. I feel sad that when the going gets tough I don’t really have a shoulder to lean on, no comfort, no support besides coffee/dinners that last for 6hours at the most not no sustained forever dependent on almost guilted into doing shit for you kind of comfort. The sad part is that I have family, I have people who love me and can and are willing to offer me that kind of presence but I’m just not with them anymore…we are not together anymore….we do not live together anymore…and my family is dispersed over various continents.   I mourn that loss. The mourning and sense of loss I feel is overwhelming.   For the past week I haven’t really done anything, I’ve barely left my home..twice only, buth times to events that I’d precommitted myself to. I’ve left my bed for the following reasons: to cook/dish food that I bring back to my bed, to feed my darling cat, to charge the phone and to let a guest who came to visit into my home. Today I made it out to the library.   It’s sad that everyone is so busy living their own lives. I don’t know what to do, I’m horribly codependent and almost for the first time in my life, I have no clear path dedicated and seth in motion for me. I have no distractions, I stopped drinking so much, no more getting high even and I’m watching my diet by that I mean the ways that I emotionally eat, right now I only eat when I’m hungry and I don’t deny myself anything.   It feels like my brain is fuzzy, cloudy, that I can perceive and understand things ultra clear in my head and see peoples motives and power manuervers and intentions so brightly clearly and with suich certainty that its startling and yet I don’t know what to do with that information, like I don’t act as if I see what’s going on..all it makes me is SAD. Not angry maybe a little resentful but sad ok maybe angry mucho angry too.   I feel like I can’t focus and concentrate on anything, I’m not functional. I haven’t even cleaned my home, I can’t bring up the gumption to do things that used to give me great satisfaction  like my clean apartment and yet I feel like I’m having these great revelations about myself, about my life, the way that people perceive me and engage with me.   I’m worried that I’m fucking EVERYTHING up, like this is somekind of crucial set your life up year and I’m not doing something that I’m supposed to be doing.   I don’t expect myself to be chirper and happy go lucky all the time, should I be surprised that I feel this way? Today out with some I guess work colleagues I almost broke into tears from the fucked up ways that people were competing, pissing contest on sufferinf fucked people of colour fighting over fucking trickled down carrots shit…depressed me right down to my soul. I just wanted to start balling. I need to move to a place of power with this shit and figure what IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want to do about MYYYYYYYYYYYY world, how IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want my universe and my world to be like, I cant keep crying everytime something shitty happens, I really hope I get past this soon enough.   I want love, I want to feel loved, appreciated cared for supportive, healthy,, non codependent, guilt tripping, I’ll be there to do your laundry when you’re sick or come over and eat ice cream with you while you cry love. I want friends that say what is one their minds, that offer and generously and respectfully within boundaries give this love, I wahnt to give this love to myself, I want to forgive myself for all the choices I’ve made in mylife instead of colluding with people’s fucked up shit to punish me shit, I don’t need an abusive relationship to kick the shit out of me so that I constantly feel like shit. I want to give myself permission to succeed to get good grades, to utilize the skills and tools that I have to use resources that will move me to where I want to go. I want to have the grace to stop fearing how powerfull I can be, to stop fearing what I can “get away” with, to indulge myself, to make mistakes, to play with myself, to not be so self conscious, to be myselof no matter the company I keep for myself not cos its cool,  or cos I’m better but because I want to. I want to love myself more than anybody could ever love me only so that maybe one day I won’t need someone to love me so much…   I can’t wait till I get there. Untill then I write my essays see if I can make it through this school year and cry when I need to.

lunch with the rapist

So I’m at the library and you know I’m supposed to be studying industriously but I was up for q whole 12 hours yesterday marveling at the wonders of what a HD camera and fnal cut pro can do for you but that’s another topic altogether, if I had any ANY ANY balls whatsoever I would do my masters in fine art and fucking theory, that would be awesome but I’m thinking only of practicality…but I’ll think of specializing in something I love STILL.

Anyways I’m having lunch with the mtf Rapist..introducing the rapist.

Anyways I met this dude, hes just under thirty and I’m standing outside waiting for my friend he runs out and offers me a ride, I’m like no my friend is on her way..so he asks me the usual are you a student? Work etc to scare him off, I’m like yes, University student with a fondness for theory, hes like oh yeah what theory? I’m like huh? There are many..right now neolib/post col are my fav but my actual fav theory is the theory of false positivity and he laughs, knows what it is and can have a fucking convo about theory?!?

I’m floored, so hes not EXACTLY my type but I can feel myself getting wet already..i want his number. We go out for drinks about a week later, talk briefly inbetwn, till we meet and the fuckery begins… he ONLY wants to talk about sex, not sexuality which might have been stimulating but sex, fucking what position and shit? I’m like what do I look to this mtf? WHATTTT/ as in if this was the kind of convo/interaction I was looking for I could get from people more like my taste, as in fucking nasty shit..i tell him this and he steps it up a notch, to groping and wants to go to a hotel..…

I was already drunk and he actually was trying to take advantage which made me sad and was hilarious to me at the time..i’m like thank you for showing your hand, deep down you have no fucking respect, no fucking principles and you are NOT a bonafide Slut/ sex addict, if he was we could roll, but hes just an ass. Somehow I allow the mtf to come upstairs with me cos hes claiming drunk…when all hes had is a glass of wine, looking back and refuses to sleep on the couch, tries to fucking fuck me.

I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And it wasn’t until I was threatening to kick his fucking ass and was hitting him, that it stopped and I basically overpowered him (another advantage of being a big fat woman if to say i be lekpa, i no sure as the thing for go down, no seriously twice now i’ve used my bulk to push some idiot off me – yes i know say me too i be dopemu for inviting such people into my home, my life, to partake of the wondrousity that is me..i know  ), it took me a moment cos for the first time in my life I was fucking triggered in the moment, I had a flash of someone else trying to rape me and the feeling of HELPLESSNESS and resignation was fucking overwhelming overwhelming almost took over my whole body but I had to hold on just to stay grounded and centred cos he was not safe.

My beef is why? I know it is about about power but why why? Would you want to take something that is supposed to be shared by force, how can you think that buying someone a $30 plate and drinks for like $20 value is equal to her pussy? I’m like even if I was a whore, I’m not a fucking cheap whore, if you’re going to place a price on my pussy it better be more like dinner at the finest most gourmet restaurant, $300 bottle of wines, private fucking jet and in paris…no lie

Otherwise, respect your fucking self and realize that this is about mutual respect and HOPE, here I was thinking that fucking bitches, that I had met one intellectual who was not a misogynistic asswipe instead he is the worst kind of misogynist, the kind that can pretend, has language and theory can form fucking liberal all the while using, adopting a fucking mask of masculine emasculation only to claim power. That fucking shit if scary.

As for stating the fucking obvious, i dont care if i’m drunk, high off my fucking ass and naked and gyrating on your fucking body, if i say no, FUCKING NO MEANS NO….and no just because i invited you into my home, does not mean i am attracted to you r ass and am dying to fuck and if you think its a game, that once you get up to a womans home, get into her bed then you can pressure your way into fucking then that is fucking pathetic. I am not, I REPEAT , i do not regret, am ashamed by of fear my sexuality..if i want to fuck you, i’ve decided from almost the first time i see you if ur fuckable and if i fucking like and your bitch ass will know not from fucking feminine wiles but from my overt advances or i might just tell you that i’m wet and i want to fuck you..long before you EVEN saw it coming.

Another thing its always the mtf biatches who are all about hyper, hesistant feminine sexuality that have attempted rape or that bullshit i’m touching you to get you turned on and then you’ll fuck me even if u dont want to cos ur a good girl, sometimes thats hot ONLY in role play mtf otherwise thats fuicking called COERCION if i say no it fucking means NO, it doesnt fucking mean try harder..for fucks sakes!

ANOTHER thing, i’m like talking to my friends the ones that date african men, jamo man no go fit do that kind thing..for my experience so far no the african men in particular..its been normalized as if say thats part of the fucking game, na so dem take dey chase woman, FUCK THAT!, no biatch, i dont expect you to insult, abuse and disrespect me in my own house, keep it in your pants and your hands to yourself untill i tell you otherwise and i pity the next mtf that will try that shit cos i’m calling the fucking cops..one hand. ITS NOT FUCKING OK

I’m like give me straight up, patriach, the kind that will tell you woman stay in the kitchen have my kids and don’t leave the house, except you’re wrapped around me, that is clear that some blubbering house slave, that loves to play the fool, in this case position women as fucking bitches and vahina gentata’s only so that they can be just as fucking patriachial and myso gynistic as the other guy if not MORE..because no one is calling them on their shit and they are too fucking busy fronting like they’re down with womens lib.

So I’m having lunch with the fucking rapist, I could tie him up, bind his arms and leg painfully to a tree and beat his fucking ass black and blue till he confessed that he will never NEVER EVER attempt to fucking rape another woman or even touch another woman without her EXPRESS consent I will.

But in this case, I will have to settle for lunch, and an long tirade where I let my little girl talk to him, where this woman gets to tell him exactly what he did, exactly what he tried to do, that I see him and that I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER want anything to do with his fucking broke ass anyways and that hes not even on my fucking level, not intellectually, not in terms of looks, energy, NOTHING. I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy.

And hopefully that will be the end of this rapist chapter unless he wants to

· Credit card with at least $3000 for my shopping

· Flat screen HD TV, I’m talking 42 inch

· Jewels, gold/silver/jade – gemstones spree

· Furniture shopping for my apartment

· Ticket to naija plus expenses and ALL the arrangements

Unless he’s interested in/willing to treat me like the FUCKING PRINCESS that I am without so much as a fucking kiss, so that maybe, maybe I can see his use..otherwise get fucking lost. I’m counting on the fact that he is liar and is in fact not interested in dropping a dime – even though he claims that all he wants to do is spoil me and I’m like yeah you mean fucking rape. I don’t know about his fucking definition of spoil but its definitely NOT NOT NOT fucking fish and chips at the fucking pub..imagine?

its called being assertive not selfish: notes on living with truama + relationships…

1: identified pattern: saying I don’t want to do something and doing it anyways..communicates weakness and allows people to take advantage, communicates that they can get it from me anyways, if I don’t care enough about how I feel not to do it why should they? I’ve got to learn to totally put myself first not them and its called being assertive not selfish

Yesteday’s counseling session was good for me. I got my ass kicked by my counselor and it felt good that and the fact that I took advil followed by four shots will make anyone feel good I imagine J (yes I’m fully ware of my escapism) Anyways, we talked about what it means that I have a pattern of abusive relationships and follow them one after the other, that I end up somehow communicating that it is ok for me not to get my needs met and therefore permit the abuse to happen. where and how I learnt this behaviour is written all over my childhood. As a woman living with a disability I was raised to put EVERYONE and everything else before myself, I was to ALWAYS come last if I was to be a good woman, if people were going to forget that I had a disability and perhaps look kindly at me and let me in the rant and all of my childhood abusers forced me to put their needs first. Even when I got raped I’ll never forget my mother telling me that I need to basically NEVer tell anyone if I was going to succeed in life and by that she really meant get married which I did and fucked up (by her standards anyways) so 1 for me, 1 for mom.

As an aside I really like jack..emotionally he actually takes care of me, I don’t feel like I have to struggle and fight for my needs to be met sexually and emotionally just financially na im be the prob. In fact he encourages to state my needs and tries to anticipate and meet them. With all my other lovers I feel like it’s a constant battle where people just want to take from you and will take as much as they can whether you are willing or unwilling. This makes me so fucking sad and angry at the same time because then it means they are being dishonest and don’t really give a rat’s ass…they have no real integrity. It also means that they are lieing if they say they care for m or at least what caring is to them is not what it is to me.

I was thinking about all of this because of red and my ex husband and his complete disregard for me and my needs, even the sexual/basest of needs. It looks like the same pattern is about to rear its ugly head in relation to red, I’m starting to get that feeling that I’m not good enough.unworthy and its such an alarm in my head: but it is immediately followed by double talk on my part, self doubt and hyper critical ness..(I’m like, no I know she is not him but we did have a relationship that was fucked in its own way but that I tried really hard to save from descending into the very abyss of hell, and it is the same me that she is dealing with post ex husband…) in reality I’m not used to putting myself in the centre of my own relationships with people and when I do then I feel totally and completely ill at ease..literally.

Red says that she wants to have intimacy cuddle, kisses, touches, caresses, no fucking, I told her from the beginning and have consistently let her know that I want to be more than friends but I can live with being friends..i want her in my life. I’m not sure about all that intimacy that goes no where. But she goes back and forth and in that process according to my counselor I’ve communicated to her by cuddling with her anyways and leaving the door so wide open (by making it abundantly clear that I want a relationship with her no matter the cost, I’ve pretty much said this to her- actual words) that I’ll do it anyways even though that’s not what I want making it harder for me to get me needs met when she can get all of her needs met. And at the same time get to FREAK out that we are having a not quite lovership type of relationship. I’m not freaked out at all, I’m like that’s the end game…I don’t know what her end game is. All I want is to have her (and she is presently a stand in for most of the relationships, future and presnt )in my life under the best and most long term conditions.

So it’s looking like it will be hard, hard to set up boundaries, hard to actually refuse to do the things that I say and know that I do not want to do, I feel fearful, that if I do not do these things or act the way that people want me to act then I’ll lose them. Isn’t that the way life is? I mean that’s basically what I learnt from the collective, that’s what I’ve learnt from most people in my life but LORD knows I’m working hard and trying to get to a place where I can be who I am and fully welcome and invite people into my life trusting that they will appreciate me for who I am, that regardless of what they do or are willing/unwilling to do I will have my boundaries solid and firm.

That’s what my fear, really is about that if I don’t do what people want or say then I wont have them in my life, it makes it hard for me to even acknowledge my needs/ wants and by the time that I do its too late. I wish I could have helped out EVEN more and did this with my ex-husband that’s someone else that I did love so much that now I’m not even willing to let him hurt me anymore, I want to protect some of the good times that we had, the warm fuzzy moments that get eroded by every nasty thing that he does, the same with red, I’m fighting to hold on to the moments where I feel I actually experienced what it means to be/ feel loved and to share that with someone. That’s all love really is, isn’t it?

so this turned out to be a rant….

I’m not sure of what is going on with me and sex. I like my sexuality. I’ve been working on finding a place where i am acualized where i can do and feel pleasure without going to a scared of vulnerability, this person will judge me as a slut mostly cerebral or totally disconnected emotional place where i’m so afraid of a memory that i’ll faze out and the person will notice leading me to me needing to explain myself and not wanting to deal with thier own definitions of “crazy” raped girl turned oversexed whore…too much work for me.

My friend of what? 7 months now (JACK)..i like him, i like who he is, i like that he likes me, enjoys it better when i’m free, at ease, is attentive to notice when i’m distracted/not quite there or anxious. I like his sense of humour, his no bullshit attitude to life, this ambition and practical i work for what i have, the fact that he understands how hes big brother/daddy for his family..i wonder about his relationship with his mom does he play husband too? I like the fact that he’s unassuming and gives me WIDE room and space while still checking in and staying in touch with me no drama, no bullshit. I like that he tries to show me he’s interested in me genuinely, oddly enough there no pressure, we can go out on dates or stay in and fuck ALL weekend, we’ve done that i’m REAL compatible with him but i’ve got no “romantic love ” feelings that i’m used to, no real passion, no fire. there’s no roller coaster but the reality is that when it comes down to it, i always pick him, i always pick spending time with him even if its just to watch a movie and he; as bad as it sounds motivates me…to just be myself, no judgements no pressure but i’m assured that he’ll be there. i like that about him, maybe its the gemini in him. I get it. I make commitments like that too. But i do miss the urges, compulsion, hes very very controlled and sometimes contained everything is parcelled out, doled out in a way that he can control and manage nothing ever out of step/routine…i don’t get that..i like spontaneity. I’m appreciating our relationship and wondering how long we can manage this before he decides that if he’s really going to be like obama then he’ll need his michelle. I’m definitely not a michelle, for one i don’t have an appropriate haircut nor do i like passing as presentable to whomever.

Then there’s Red, we talked sometime last week and she was just so far away, so diffrent from the red i remembered whom i could feel in my heart, whose warmth of her thighs held me raptured and made me write poetry I cannot deny that something came loose for me as we kissed, as i held her, it was something i wanted so very very badly, the intimacy and the way that i knew she was so very family with me, my history, what we’d shared was so real for me and full of passion. There was a time, infact many a times i’d metaphorically stuck my neck out and took a bullet for her. I’m hurt that past the rage, anger, rejection? that she feels, i don’t know cos even though i tried to broach the topic she said it was all firmly in the past and a mute point but not so cos we can’t move on. She just wants to be friends, while claiming to right to experience her attraction to me and expect reciprocation but i’m not there anymore. If i’m going to repress feelings so powerful then i’ll do so knowing and consciously. I’ll find a way to impermanently tie em’ down in the inner reccessses of my heart, i might get to liking them out and find that they’re not reciprocated in as much intensity as i feel them which already happened between us in the past..but she no longer remembers and I do. That leaves me with a lot of emotional responsibility and feelings to work out on my own without expecting any reasonable involvement from her. I can’t do it.

I’m not into cuddling as foreplay and after and sex or feeling desire and longing till i can’t see straight till i start feeling compelled and making decisions based on the wetness between my thighs. That shit has made me hella hella stupid..i aint going back there. Sex should be and can be and it has been about pleasure thats how its going to stay. I don’t want to start conflicting good sex with good love..they ain’t the same. I don’t know how she feels so i can’t even explain it to myself but i’ve said that i feel like she was never really there for me as much as i was for her. But now she gets to say that i rejected and acted hatefully towards her, thats bullshit. She was committed to people i was no longer committed to..there was no other way/chance/opportunity for our relationship to exist as anything except within a circle that i cut myself loose from. And now, i really really hate that she can’t see that i shouldn’t have to choose between my relationship with her and being in a totally abusive and toxic environment. Why can’t she use that info to appreciate my choice in the past.

I really want just me and her, out side of a circle, just figuring out what works but i’m not sure how that is going to work. I’ve called her twice now each time we hung out but its like if i don’t make a move shes happy where she is. I gotta find a way to be cool with that. I mean i have to find a way to make sense of it, to tell myself that it’s not my fault, that its not cos i’m fat or that i have a disability or that she thinks i’m a slut but instead she what? cant see just what i have to offer and that indeed what i have to offer is a great thing, that i have companionship to offer, true commitment that i will be myself that i will continue to grow and grow on myself that I am working on being very healthy…but the real is its not what she wants right now for whatever reason and i have to live with that. I could manipulate her, attempt to lie about who i’m fucking so that she wont ask me stupid fucking questions about std’s or sti’s when i get tested guaranteed every fucking three months and she can’t remember the last time she was…i’ll find a way to move on.

I feel like i have to hold on, still. How may fucking african lesbians who are out do i know who are under fucking 30, fuck lesbian, I’ll settle for bi or even exploring thier sexuality a whole fucking three including myself and i’ve fucked the other two and things didn’t seem to work out with both of them. Where the fuck is my african butch who can fist me till i squirt all over the bed, make breakfast and drop me off to my boyfriend for a date at HIS house? what the fuck? Why can’t people just fucking have sex, people who claim to be non hetero if you say you have fucking feelings for someone why NOT fucking take the fucking leap and FUCK them. god. i am NOT going to have sex with an older dyke who doesn’t understand the ways that she can be manipulative and predatory and the power that she has and asserts as the older one just so i can get a good fucking fisting, I am not going to fuck a skinny white chick who can’t remember the last time she fucking ate a good meal and thinks i’m strong powerful exotic african woman while she reserves the right to call herself a fucking girl.

I’m ready for something ELSE. DEAR UNIVERSE, Something else…some passion, sex, emotions..i’m so fucking bloody fucking double ass fuck, fucking READY goddamnit.

my everyday monsters – disability, love and capitalism

I got really depressed when i lost something worth about $600 dollars. I lost my phone. It may seem like “its just a phone” But it simply is not. First of all i can hardly afford a phone of that much and have not been able to for many months/years now that when my other phone died – waterdamaged and i was just too tired of not having/ not having enough.

Based on my meritocratic, ableist, patriachial upbringing i have been faced with and struggling with my choices in spite of what people might say about me attempting to acquire access/power and resources and pRIVILEGE to what ends besides my immediate apparent/seeming power that does not nothing to deconstruct the world/system of domination we live in . I dont fucking know all i know is maybe i would be more inclined to listen to, maybe even consider what these people were saying if they themselves even in the fight/revolution were not already enjoying life aka middle class/upper/ class.

Meanwhile like good scrambling immigrants me and the one poor friend i have, who both have MUST survive below the so called fucking poverty lines. I choose i shiny new, black and blue slider phone with the qwerty keyboard for my one handed self. I was thinking about what it means to have a MAN around, about how easy, how practical it seemed to have someone there to half the bills, to buy groceries, to HELP OUT, to put up pictures in my apartment, to help me when i grocery shopping, to carry all the bags into the apartment, to rub my back to offer me care,to deal with the euro immigrant priviledged bastard super who really wants to fuck me, to shield me from the victimizing, over sexualizing gaze of the the “super”, TO HELP and to support. For these things, for these reasons i have chosen to stay in relationships that were toxic to me, that i was unhappy, that i allowed myself to believe that the care that i recieved in thier hands when i was ill, which i often am indebted me to be loyal, ssubservient afterall they had bore the bore the burden that is me with smiles, with creativity and had even welcomed it. Who the fuck would not welcome such fucking care so that one that infantilize and make monstrous the disabled, victimized body.

Out of this reality of my life, out of the knowledge of how hard i work unceasingly, persistently, how many times i drag my ass out of bed to exist in a world that was not made for me, my kitchen hostile, bathroom, i slip and fall, i hide the bruises, fucking everything hurts ALLL the time, whether i talk about it or not, whether i look it/perform it (as in wear dirty ragged i dont know exactly what the fuck the ableist construction of looking in pain/damaged it…ask them) or not. iT is always there. My tears flow freely as i write this and my cat has come to sit beside me, Ihave been thinking about what it means for me as young disabled woman to live alone, to choose to live alone, to choose to not engage at my expense with people that are indeed damaging to my spirit while telling myself that i was getting “CARE”

This has always been my soft spot getting “CARE”, anything to fucking do with CARE. True i can be persuaded to do almost anything for you, lick your ass figuratively speaking and otherwise (OK i am a FREaK and generally love to lick the ass hole of the right man or woman as a sexual practice thats meant to get me going..BIG TIME) But as i was saying most of the horrifying painful relationships i have been in have been about that CARE. I was either looking for someone not to love (too romantic and often unpractical plus really is a construction that i may/may not manipulate all to say that i never really allowed myself to love, be love, didn’t know it was possible, didn’t comprehend it as possible untill my last two relationships the marriage and the poly one that i started to really exercise my heart willingly if you will. i have always adopted my mothers attitude to love: it is not neccessary, it is a distraction (maybe thats why she let him beat her her for so long she mortgaged her health and youth for her life now….)

For me i may fall in love with you but it means nothing..i can/ am supposedly strong enough to deal with heartbreak. What matters, has always mattered but is starting to be crystal clear is what you do for me and this is tied to do you care for me. Because if you care then you will keep it like a factual piece of information, like my eyes are brown that this my pain is almost always in constant, i dont get how people can forget????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????I dont get how people can forget how it is that i supposedly have one hand and a stump. I usd to think it was my internalized ableism, used to blame myself thought that al i could do, if only i’d just make the stump unapologetically visible then they couldn’t forget, then they couldn’t blame me for forgeting. But that is such BULLSHIT. To be more  elaborate it is  a power  sustaining/reinforcing /maintaining, blame the “victim, downlaod  responsibility, hide  frpom your own actions  while  pretending to help the lesser than poor  oppressed ..it is  in my own  understanding colonizing , oppressive, dominating horseshit.  It  should be obvious why …but in anycase  i was too busy trying to be visible,  reproducing my own internalized ableism that i was distracted  and contradicted and questioned my own understandings of what was going on so often that i dared not, and often chose not to speak them, they often came out in explosive burst or till i could really no longer deny then untill i chose to let them out in fuLL force well as full as i could muster.  Whats worse even in face of my presence, visibility, they still forget, people will willingly ignore what is in front or claim top forget anyway but not when they have decided that you cant do the dishes without getting water everywhere cos you have a disability or watch you and wonder at your cooking in the kitchen or how it is that you are so brave? so powerful? so ALIVE? so angry? how is it that you inspire so much fear in them? makke them so very unconfortable at diffrent times? The very act of forgeting is indeed not forgetting, it is no innocent, something they just did, cant be blamed for meant to disarm the rge you position towards then. FUCK NO, that so called forgetting is “active, persistent..dare i say tenacious”   ERASURE, it is a very consistent, insistent will to always remember to forget, erase, construct as deemed fit. It is a shamelesss act of power, fear and control.

In the times that yes i have wickedly refused to play the game burning myself in the process no doubt it has become clear that that is really all there EVER was to it. In all my relatiionships, couched in all the so called CARE, affection is POWER. MOstly  i play along until i stop thinking its worth it, until, basically they buy thier own hype and bullshit and they they are actually in control of a system that i merely colluded with. I’m not a bad ass, i merely have choice. I am not afraid of being seem as amoral, unetthical what does all of that mean to something who has had to lived with the construction of a monster anyways? All of that aside it hurts, it hurts and hurts like HELL. The shock never fails to mark me because somewhere along the line i believe/d unquestioningly. i felt thier warm two hands ease the pain in the small of my back, i felt felt held as i slept and rested my tired body, i ate food that they cooked, clothed myself in clothes they had washed…they had kept my lonsely self company many a night and day becase they wanted to. And they desired me and i desired them.  At some point regardless of all this theory stuff, regardless of my convictions about power, hierachy and the ways in plays out on my body, the ways that i choose to interface..i allowed myself to be there, to be present, to find and appreciate and yes to grow to be committed to them untill it starts to hurt too much that i would rather very much rather be alone again. Its like slow poison, like smoking cigarrettes, you get your high and wake up one morning with cancer knowing all along that you choose to pay, seek after every cigarette you ever smoked. Its kinda like that.

The care thing, the courage to heal, stigmative and construct survivors as “survivors aka permanently damaged monsters” would dictate that i blame this apparent vulnerable as a direct result of the lack of care, attention, that i did not recieve from parents, families, loved ones in my childhood. iT is true that in my teenage years that kin of nurturing was not really part of my reality. mY my parents being the ableist igbo christians that they were loved me very much. Infact, i have only started to admit to myself and my family that i am indeed something of a favorie daughter, recieved too much attention compared to my siblings, but it was too often poisoning with thier abliest view of what is neccessary to raise a disabled daughter, that they were so easily able to let me go that they have indeed been able to let me go but i was “CARED” for. I was hugge, kissed, finiancially NEVER allowed to want, sheltered constantly that i remember rebelling against my mother and learning to wash my own clothes. I remember being 11 and sending my bed sheets home from boarding school to be laundered and returned all this with fuel scarcity. I was also forgotten many times, sent far way from home none the less i was thought about so much more and prioritized in my house. I know that from hearing my sister speak, from my other siblings.

As i write this i think about how people have tried to twist, manipulate to use the information that i have offred and shared with them about who i was, what i had lived through and how i thought about myself. How sad that instead it had all turned into a hatefull, hurtful exercise but not a waste for me though, it has forced me to dig deeper, search for myself, understand, reason and see for myself and then to decide, confidently and with convicted for myself. i dont know if it has made me stronger wiser etc perse not that cliche bullshit no but it has shifted,  moved and offered me more of me which i have grudgingly accepted.  Somethngs hopefully will never change and i dont want them to ever change for me, that i am number for me, straight up. Cos really and trully who else is meant to be number one

Yeah so you see why i thought i was going to lose to lose my mind when i lost the phone? whyi was totally depressed cos i thought that surely the gods were indeed punishing me, that surely i was meant to suffer, that surely i was not to know my place to not aspire to thing such as an slider phone ? Ah..but the power of capitalism… is real very real for me, i do not see an alternative to change, dont know where it will come from, dont trust that something better will evolve. I’m not sure i want to save the world, i’m not sure i believe in saving the world or thinking that i am sort sort of knowing better than everyone else elitist also fucking delusional view that i am part of a revolution/leading…not sure. Everything i continue to do has not addressed what iactually want it to address, has not focused in any meaningful way on what i actually want it do which really is my country, my community, my family. Nationalist, tribalistic, bio family focused and specific is really at the bottom of it all what i am about. It is not about asking for acceptance but seeing myself there, challenging, speaking to the active erasure and remembering to forget in my family life is what i really think of everyday…but the tools i need, the words that i have i fear are borrowed from communities, cultures, westernized schooling and domination reinforcing knowledge production, i know this much is true….now what? I continue to try to wrap my head around it all