worries/anxieties…theoretical musings of a “fronting” postmodernizing de-colonializing kind..still

More and more and more these days i really worry. I worry that i’m on the right path, i worry that i am one of those who don’t know what the fuck resistance looks like but will gleefully participate in armchair activism and theory without walking that talk. I worry that my live is fully invested in systems of domination and oppression. I worry that i have completely bought into systems of domination and oppression.

I worry so much that i am completely invested, shamelessly and apologetically in privilege status acquiring knowledge production and ways of making sense and meaning of the WORLD that I KNOW can feel in my gut in ways that send me to the fucking bathroom with the run…speaking of nervous condition of all sorts maybe daramgemba was on to something..besides the ableist pathologizing, i mean.

I want this degree so bad, i want my masters and phd not neccessarily cos i think i’m so good that i will change the world but i enjoy 1, its the only think i think i can do well and i want the social status and prestige but what about the adoption of ways by which whiteness has maintained its “expertise”, dominion and maintain its supremacy eh..how do i reconcile the two?

theories Mbembe and Irele (in praise of alienation) on alienation even hooks (postmodern blackness) on the creative forces of liminality help not much here, because i think it is the only forward because want the privilege and access that they have gotten used to …cop out alert bottom.

As an aside i feel like bitch slapping all the so called black diasporic feminist who COMPLETELY ignore the fine fine work that RECENT african feminist female scholars are doing on the the black body as subject as african as nation….SERIOUSLY, go pick up a fucking book and realize….

I think the key is to continue to examine Mbembe’s (african modes of self writting)notion of what it means to continue to engage in negotiation simply for power to be utilized for domination (which i fit very well ) with the master..not a study of whiteness and constructions of the authentic black person BUT really the feeling, and intracacies and nuanced instances of servitutude.

Because in spite of my my ambition for the accrument of what can only be borrowed power , the degrees, i feel like a SERVANT, i feel like one in servitude…talk about nervous conditions, talk about living in bondage someone needs to do a postcolonial/post modernization theoretical analysis of classical nigerian nollywood movies and the ways that they address the irrational logic of the postcolonial state and was of conceptualizing the african subject..now that would be a fun paper not this shit i’m churning out like i CARE…bS…neways but i will forever understand living in bondage differently…word

my everyday monsters – disability, love and capitalism

I got really depressed when i lost something worth about $600 dollars. I lost my phone. It may seem like “its just a phone” But it simply is not. First of all i can hardly afford a phone of that much and have not been able to for many months/years now that when my other phone died – waterdamaged and i was just too tired of not having/ not having enough.

Based on my meritocratic, ableist, patriachial upbringing i have been faced with and struggling with my choices in spite of what people might say about me attempting to acquire access/power and resources and pRIVILEGE to what ends besides my immediate apparent/seeming power that does not nothing to deconstruct the world/system of domination we live in . I dont fucking know all i know is maybe i would be more inclined to listen to, maybe even consider what these people were saying if they themselves even in the fight/revolution were not already enjoying life aka middle class/upper/ class.

Meanwhile like good scrambling immigrants me and the one poor friend i have, who both have MUST survive below the so called fucking poverty lines. I choose i shiny new, black and blue slider phone with the qwerty keyboard for my one handed self. I was thinking about what it means to have a MAN around, about how easy, how practical it seemed to have someone there to half the bills, to buy groceries, to HELP OUT, to put up pictures in my apartment, to help me when i grocery shopping, to carry all the bags into the apartment, to rub my back to offer me care,to deal with the euro immigrant priviledged bastard super who really wants to fuck me, to shield me from the victimizing, over sexualizing gaze of the the “super”, TO HELP and to support. For these things, for these reasons i have chosen to stay in relationships that were toxic to me, that i was unhappy, that i allowed myself to believe that the care that i recieved in thier hands when i was ill, which i often am indebted me to be loyal, ssubservient afterall they had bore the bore the burden that is me with smiles, with creativity and had even welcomed it. Who the fuck would not welcome such fucking care so that one that infantilize and make monstrous the disabled, victimized body.

Out of this reality of my life, out of the knowledge of how hard i work unceasingly, persistently, how many times i drag my ass out of bed to exist in a world that was not made for me, my kitchen hostile, bathroom, i slip and fall, i hide the bruises, fucking everything hurts ALLL the time, whether i talk about it or not, whether i look it/perform it (as in wear dirty ragged i dont know exactly what the fuck the ableist construction of looking in pain/damaged it…ask them) or not. iT is always there. My tears flow freely as i write this and my cat has come to sit beside me, Ihave been thinking about what it means for me as young disabled woman to live alone, to choose to live alone, to choose to not engage at my expense with people that are indeed damaging to my spirit while telling myself that i was getting “CARE”

This has always been my soft spot getting “CARE”, anything to fucking do with CARE. True i can be persuaded to do almost anything for you, lick your ass figuratively speaking and otherwise (OK i am a FREaK and generally love to lick the ass hole of the right man or woman as a sexual practice thats meant to get me going..BIG TIME) But as i was saying most of the horrifying painful relationships i have been in have been about that CARE. I was either looking for someone not to love (too romantic and often unpractical plus really is a construction that i may/may not manipulate all to say that i never really allowed myself to love, be love, didn’t know it was possible, didn’t comprehend it as possible untill my last two relationships the marriage and the poly one that i started to really exercise my heart willingly if you will. i have always adopted my mothers attitude to love: it is not neccessary, it is a distraction (maybe thats why she let him beat her her for so long she mortgaged her health and youth for her life now….)

For me i may fall in love with you but it means nothing..i can/ am supposedly strong enough to deal with heartbreak. What matters, has always mattered but is starting to be crystal clear is what you do for me and this is tied to do you care for me. Because if you care then you will keep it like a factual piece of information, like my eyes are brown that this my pain is almost always in constant, i dont get how people can forget????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????I dont get how people can forget how it is that i supposedly have one hand and a stump. I usd to think it was my internalized ableism, used to blame myself thought that al i could do, if only i’d just make the stump unapologetically visible then they couldn’t forget, then they couldn’t blame me for forgeting. But that is such BULLSHIT. To be more  elaborate it is  a power  sustaining/reinforcing /maintaining, blame the “victim, downlaod  responsibility, hide  frpom your own actions  while  pretending to help the lesser than poor  oppressed ..it is  in my own  understanding colonizing , oppressive, dominating horseshit.  It  should be obvious why …but in anycase  i was too busy trying to be visible,  reproducing my own internalized ableism that i was distracted  and contradicted and questioned my own understandings of what was going on so often that i dared not, and often chose not to speak them, they often came out in explosive burst or till i could really no longer deny then untill i chose to let them out in fuLL force well as full as i could muster.  Whats worse even in face of my presence, visibility, they still forget, people will willingly ignore what is in front or claim top forget anyway but not when they have decided that you cant do the dishes without getting water everywhere cos you have a disability or watch you and wonder at your cooking in the kitchen or how it is that you are so brave? so powerful? so ALIVE? so angry? how is it that you inspire so much fear in them? makke them so very unconfortable at diffrent times? The very act of forgeting is indeed not forgetting, it is no innocent, something they just did, cant be blamed for meant to disarm the rge you position towards then. FUCK NO, that so called forgetting is “active, persistent..dare i say tenacious”   ERASURE, it is a very consistent, insistent will to always remember to forget, erase, construct as deemed fit. It is a shamelesss act of power, fear and control.

In the times that yes i have wickedly refused to play the game burning myself in the process no doubt it has become clear that that is really all there EVER was to it. In all my relatiionships, couched in all the so called CARE, affection is POWER. MOstly  i play along until i stop thinking its worth it, until, basically they buy thier own hype and bullshit and they they are actually in control of a system that i merely colluded with. I’m not a bad ass, i merely have choice. I am not afraid of being seem as amoral, unetthical what does all of that mean to something who has had to lived with the construction of a monster anyways? All of that aside it hurts, it hurts and hurts like HELL. The shock never fails to mark me because somewhere along the line i believe/d unquestioningly. i felt thier warm two hands ease the pain in the small of my back, i felt felt held as i slept and rested my tired body, i ate food that they cooked, clothed myself in clothes they had washed…they had kept my lonsely self company many a night and day becase they wanted to. And they desired me and i desired them.  At some point regardless of all this theory stuff, regardless of my convictions about power, hierachy and the ways in plays out on my body, the ways that i choose to interface..i allowed myself to be there, to be present, to find and appreciate and yes to grow to be committed to them untill it starts to hurt too much that i would rather very much rather be alone again. Its like slow poison, like smoking cigarrettes, you get your high and wake up one morning with cancer knowing all along that you choose to pay, seek after every cigarette you ever smoked. Its kinda like that.

The care thing, the courage to heal, stigmative and construct survivors as “survivors aka permanently damaged monsters” would dictate that i blame this apparent vulnerable as a direct result of the lack of care, attention, that i did not recieve from parents, families, loved ones in my childhood. iT is true that in my teenage years that kin of nurturing was not really part of my reality. mY my parents being the ableist igbo christians that they were loved me very much. Infact, i have only started to admit to myself and my family that i am indeed something of a favorie daughter, recieved too much attention compared to my siblings, but it was too often poisoning with thier abliest view of what is neccessary to raise a disabled daughter, that they were so easily able to let me go that they have indeed been able to let me go but i was “CARED” for. I was hugge, kissed, finiancially NEVER allowed to want, sheltered constantly that i remember rebelling against my mother and learning to wash my own clothes. I remember being 11 and sending my bed sheets home from boarding school to be laundered and returned all this with fuel scarcity. I was also forgotten many times, sent far way from home none the less i was thought about so much more and prioritized in my house. I know that from hearing my sister speak, from my other siblings.

As i write this i think about how people have tried to twist, manipulate to use the information that i have offred and shared with them about who i was, what i had lived through and how i thought about myself. How sad that instead it had all turned into a hatefull, hurtful exercise but not a waste for me though, it has forced me to dig deeper, search for myself, understand, reason and see for myself and then to decide, confidently and with convicted for myself. i dont know if it has made me stronger wiser etc perse not that cliche bullshit no but it has shifted,  moved and offered me more of me which i have grudgingly accepted.  Somethngs hopefully will never change and i dont want them to ever change for me, that i am number for me, straight up. Cos really and trully who else is meant to be number one

Yeah so you see why i thought i was going to lose to lose my mind when i lost the phone? whyi was totally depressed cos i thought that surely the gods were indeed punishing me, that surely i was meant to suffer, that surely i was not to know my place to not aspire to thing such as an slider phone ? Ah..but the power of capitalism… is real very real for me, i do not see an alternative to change, dont know where it will come from, dont trust that something better will evolve. I’m not sure i want to save the world, i’m not sure i believe in saving the world or thinking that i am sort sort of knowing better than everyone else elitist also fucking delusional view that i am part of a revolution/leading…not sure. Everything i continue to do has not addressed what iactually want it to address, has not focused in any meaningful way on what i actually want it do which really is my country, my community, my family. Nationalist, tribalistic, bio family focused and specific is really at the bottom of it all what i am about. It is not about asking for acceptance but seeing myself there, challenging, speaking to the active erasure and remembering to forget in my family life is what i really think of everyday…but the tools i need, the words that i have i fear are borrowed from communities, cultures, westernized schooling and domination reinforcing knowledge production, i know this much is true….now what? I continue to try to wrap my head around it all

nightmares…rambles/theorizing away monsters

Omo! if you see the sweat that i woke up in this morning it was fucking unbelievable. I must note for the record that i am RARELy ever so greatly disturbed by dreams that they have my physically shaken, up to the point where i cannot sleep and kneeling in feverish christian prayer (well i said the hail mary). I was reading BUtler: The parable of the talents when i fell asleep, i like the novel way better it was definitely a neccessary sequal to the parable of the sower. I was touched by what i was reading. i fell asleep i try not to do that too often. Quite conciously i try to get up, shut off the lights, take of my glasses, maybe have a cigarette which i have quit these days thanks to the nagging phlegm and smokers cough i was developing (not very comfortable and attractive). I’m vain and i like comfort the doctors insistentence did no t help either so i have quit unless i find fools/enablers/kind people in this day and age who will still offer to a clear smoke bum like me, then i actually hang out/walk longer/socialize with them just so i can get a smoke. Absolutely pathetic. Another thing, since i cant get lasik eye surgery anytime soon, i am getting new glasses, its been a number of years now and my glasses are FUCKEd, as in majorly scratched, bent thoroughly out of shape….i’m bent out of shape.

School classes, but no money, i have anxiety about a lot of things, i’m starting to feel “useless” even my healing work i’ve mostly put aside, have no real goals gotta work on that. I’m killing one of my plants..i look at them they remind of who i used to be and i refuse to water them, refuse to give them food, its bad. I will water them today. I consciously give my cat food, water everything she needs including touch and attention. I can be mean. I dont want to be mean to powerless things. I watched “monster” the hollywood movie of with charlize theron and christina ricci. It was a good hollywood movie but i was disturbed. Not by the apparent senseless killing of the men, but by the way i shifted, started to think of her AS a monster (this is even as i was highly ware and criticized as much as i could, every step of the way the ideological, “blame the victim”, ignore race and class and worls social history and hollywood, americanized simplication and seduction) Still there i was screaming at the screen, calling her crazy then slow then just pissed.

The argument this movie made was that : because of her class – she was poor white trash, who was raped from the age of eight and then started hooking at the age of 13 after she gave up her first baby for adoption. Shit why didnt they make a whole movie about that? About the classsism that makes it ok to thief poor ppls babies in a capitalist, god bless america of a united states? About her rape by her fathers friends since she was eight? There were no real images of these things happening….they could be forgotten, EASILY in the face of the murders she committed. Anyways the argument which was a very effecient and fast one delivered like an aggeessive assualt on your senses was that she was shaped, could only be a monster, was DAMAGED, severely damaged by everything she had gone through, this damage was not positive, it cannot be positive, She was therefore irrevocably damaged and she looked it. She was a sociopath who chose madness cause she could choose no other, she had no other options. Christina Ricci, her pathetic, underachieving sad excuse of a lesbian was younger, cleaner, forgiven because of age and her privileged background. At the heart of this argument what REALLY felt like deep blow to me, that i felt in my gut and released a tense tightening, not to mention RAGE throughout me is HOW pathetically unjust?no how it had ruined the lives of people who have suffered or survived and LIVED through truama, it offered them no possibilities, denied them humanity as a reward for thier courage to stand as a testament to the truama they had lived, it caged them within the truama that had been imposed/inflicted on them..i should say us, ME. ONe can theorize that this is as a result of general xenophobia, anxiety and cowardice of human trained to fear who/what they do not understand, do not want to remember, be reminded of death…the function of the alterity inherent in the ostracization of the assualted/abused and lived/survived as “other”. They instantly become “them” IT SUCKS. Like every other domination, the others, the good ones, the priviledged “owners” of what it is to be human, sane, safe and good which i might is a constantly shifting category defined by those who feel entiltled to exclude,priviledged enough to exclude or indenial enough to exclude. NOnetheless, it is all justified because they try to help….the directors, writers, producers everyone but the victim to stop such atrocities..THE HORROR! It is an argument of the privileged or those in denial.

Let me state the obvious, just because one suffers, has been raped, fucked up the ass or vagina with strane objects, sexually tortured, even during ones most formative years, that person is still human. For fucks sake it is thier god given inalienable right, if that doesn’t work well how can a human being because they are human, weak, been abused, raped, torturerd and ALIVE, LIVED why should they be punished and locked in a cage labelled monster. Why focus on then on not on those capable, of inflicting such crimes…why insist that contact with “evil/diomination” is irrevocable. They hhave ALREADy proved resistance, they lived through it. I lived through it. I have to stop now. I should write about what i have lived though, i really should. I think it is time… tired now will continue later..it should be about the courage to live  not heal

themes:

• Larger than life SNAKE
• People pretending they are my family but are not
• running away to safety
• protecting my self and family
• THE HOUSE****
• food (lots of it in a gathering/party type situation)

i’m a hardworker. I aint lazy and that don’t make me a capitalist whore either!

 

I am a VERY responsible person, and a VERY persistent person. I work HARD. I had work HArd for everything for things that most people take for granted. That is part of the way that my own oppression and domination take place…so excuse me when i chaff at the bit. All this month and from about half of last month I’ve been deconstructing the messages that I’ve been bombarded with all my life which is that I am LAZY.

See the story is BECAUSE of the fact that I have a disability I should be already and willingly and should have long since made peace with the fact that in order for me to achieve, succeed or get to be “normal” or have the things/access and privileges that “regular” “everybody” then I should already know that I HAVE to work harder, I HAVE to be stronger, I have to BE soo much more and hence the super crip, overachieving and most importantly passing disabled me was formed, reinforced and reaffirmed.

remember when I started to actively read and think the “feminist anthologies”: Susan Raffo, Eli Claire and other writers living with a disability that critique the super crip phenomenon but most of it is a simple stop resist and reject the super crip stance. This stance in reality is VERY VERY DEADLY for a person who is not white and middle classed and generally has a safety net of privilege to land on should they choose to reject the super crip phenomenon.

I have worked hard and I have always worked hard all my life. I say this with grave bitterness, most of the people who know me are familiar with this bitterness but it is a good bitterness, it is a good rage. If I didn’t have it, I would be worried because it would mean that somewhere deep inside of me I no longer can gage, I no longer can tell within myself the way that things are and the way that things should be. I would have nothing to look forward. Disabled people and trauma survivors of which I am both have suffered and continue to suffer a lot of hostile and violent STIGMA simply because they are who they are and they have this bitterness and this rage. I am not a friendly person, I am not nice, feel free to call me a wicked person, feel free to even call me a monster.

Anyways, the point of all of this is working hard is tough and it makes me weak, it makes me vulnerable to affection and care received from other people because I feel like they care and I am so deeply affected by a show/gesture of care and affection that might not mean as much to them as much as it meant to me, nor SHOULD IT, if I wasn’t soo tired or weakened or in so much pain in the first place. (it shouldn’t be that way to state the obvious, in a good equal world people wouldn’t say dumb and hurtful toxic destructive garbage meant to humiliate, embarrass and dominate crap like I wish I was disabled so I could get befits or its unfair that disabled people get special advantages that that they then turn around and take advantage of ..there would ALREADY be policies, structural practices and a general cultural understanding that these things are only the beginning in addressing the unequal ground that we exist in, THEY WOULD ALREADY BE IN PLACE< IT WOULD ALREADY BE UNDERSTOOD people would not have to be constructed as lying and cheating even as their labor worth and existence are being exploited for the power and dominance of more powerful others…. Like DUH!!)

it is in explaining this little fact and the share unfairness of the situation usually brings me to tears. Big time. It hurts, it a dagger through my heart and back BECAUSE why? Because it affects literally my quality of life, it affects the kinds of conversations that I can have, my feeling of security with others, my safety, my security, my confidence and assurance in others perception of myself….it breaks my heart when it come from people whom I love and have loved dearly. It seems to make loving, living, sharing with them of any kind almost impossible. I need help in this respect; I need help when it comes to finding ways to build alliances that are honest, respectful, and not harmful in this regard. I’m working through that.

I’m learning to work for myself and to offer myself care because I am realizing that when able bodied people and non trauma survivors offer care/support that they so within an ableist framework given that this is what they operate within on a daily basis. This therefore means that they are operating from an at best, questioned and slightly critiqued place of pity and save the monster or upliftment of the handicapped place where they unspokenly EXPECT you to be grateful or like they’re actually like really and truly saving you when in reality they are being patronizing, condescending, oppressive people only interested in sucking the little passion, resistance, fight you got in you when they insist that you affirm their dominance and power and my dear people that Is when, as in it is in those moments that I hold on tight and hold on to that precious feeling in your gut and NEVER let go. Those are defining moments…those are moments when you find out where and how and why the lines of power and colonization and the way that the colonization takes place. Those are indeed colonizing moments.

Most of the people in my life have tried to tell me that I was lazy, not fully there, not doing something right and generally and there is nothing like self validation, there is nothing like recognizing something and affirming your own power within yourself which is what I have to do and these days even as I work a 9-5 come home and work again, I remind myself that at least I am creating a life where no one else can exploits the fruit of my work especially when they do not even begin to comprehend what it means for me to live my life the way I do, or how much I have to work or how much I have had to learn in order to have things the way that they are.

So yes, I am in the process of working hard but it is because I think that I have little time, now that my body can handle it I have to do and do as much of it as I can and that’s cold comfort in and off itself. So that when the time comes and I’m chilling then I’m chilling.

I was saying before that a person living with a disability I cannot be fucking around talking about how I’m resisting super crip while the able bodied people achieve I think that one can do this with an awareness that we are existing and living within a capitalist, individualist system that working within it actually causes disability as a physical and social phenomenon and makes disabled people work harder by creating a system where their labor is exploited which is by the way what the save the handicapped people end up doing my undermining and devaluing the value and worth and quality of the work that their disabled friend by calling them lazy and irresponsible stuff that is not critically reminiscent of the disabled serial killer monster stereotype, but don’t you dare mention that cos you’d be pushing their guilt buttons which you MUST do to take advantage of them because that’s the only way your disabled self could have succeeded and gotten so far in your life, see cos you really should be in institutional care somewhere (what a mind fuck). Those are my thoughts for now.

quick notes to self: resisting monsters

One must remember at all times, as you offer your critique or even tell your truths to resist, cease and desist  from EVER constructing the OTHER whomever they might be as monstrous, subhuman, evil and therefore neccessarily inferior to you or lower than you. OR present them as empty vessels while you are superior and more FULL  in any way than “them.” If you follow this approach no matter who they ARE, or choosing to late themselves on the matrix of domination then you are FORCED to insert yourself and speak from your centre, it is humbling and prevents the “unwitting” and dreadfully regrettable paradox of attempting to achieve transformation and resistance while only instead reproducing and reinforming, reinforcing structures/systems of global capital order of domination.

YEs, it is easier said than done and infinitely complicates EVERYTHINg but have you not realized by now that it must be done?

“yahoozee” is rupture not transformation “It’s all about the benjamins baby”.

Title: Rupture not transformation: “yahoozee” locating naija pop culture postcolonial, anti imperialist theory: “It’s all about the benjamins baby”.

I have been wanting to insert my two cents on the 19 for a while now and have reserved comment because i was still forming my ideas on how i thought it fit into our present location as nigerians, third worlders and a country whose citizenry and state (questionably they might be very clear) is mostly in denial about its location as a neocolonized state within a global capital order.

Prove of neocolonial status (they abound, but for the sake of the economist, that only understand resource control and production, whom i unfortunately have had the pleasure and eye opening encounter with recently, who also cannot/will not utilize thier imagination to concieve/consider, at least try to image a world, or at least acknowledge that capitalism works to create surplus TAKEN from whomever is neccessarilty constructed as “unacceptable/marginal and therefore disabled” ):

Ok to continue with the proof

• Free trade zones and commercial zones ideologized by state propagandas as “progress” for poor backward nigeria case in point: calabar
• a citizenry that are “educated” and colonized to think of capitalism and the conspicious accumlation of wealth and power to the purpose of domination as freedom as the only solution to domination. For instance: you can’t find a job: poor you turn to armed robbery, OR leabve the country and stick it to the white man by voluntarily exiling yourself from your homelands (which by the way leave it wide open and increasingly depopulated, because they are still human being in africa NOT desperate, suffering poor people in need of your janded priviledged help)
• Exile without recognizing and taking individual responsibility for the imperialist and capitalist destruction of economic and social structures so that you have to leave for a “better” quality of life
• Better quality of life spent as part of a colonizing peoples who literally continue to this day to engage in apartheid and genocidal measures against the original inhabitants of the land (applies to yankee mostly for what i know) while you complain about racism and the struggles of the “settler” as you remain mostly oblivious from the struggle of the original inhabitants without realizing or maybe just not caring much because the white people sure as hell won’t tell you, they’re too busy telling you how multicultural and committed to diversity they are, are you are merely concerned with bettering you’re quality of life.
• Quality of life: where you must learn to speak and engage much like a yankee, and unquestioned assimulation begins to take place. the ramifications? loss of culture and alienation from self are just a few side effects, not to mention the insatiable feeling of longing and sudden constructed space and distance from your home as you fully identify as an “immigrant” gratefull you should be.
• When you do return/speak think/talk about home you become an indirect and yet effective colonizer, from within as you propagate western ideals/values and expectations of progress without question.
• after you do make or if you are a 2/3/4 th generation immigrant and the years of accumulated linguistic, intellectuat, conceptual colonization has acquired full strength signaled by your accrued privilege and entitlement AND responsibility as a citizen of yankee nation then you start to think that you are well deserving and hardworking and have merited your accomplishments in life afterall you got good grades, made it out the ghetto and now make a surplus of anyway from 30k and above.

OR which is where the “criminals” (criminals in quote to emphasis how liberal value systems and consensus are made legal/laws and punish literally in an effort to monitor and control ‘other’ed disabled/diseased/racialized and stereotyped bodies) from incursions and protections of the dominant society. Not to say that robbery is right all i’m saying is that it is complicated as there are other non individualized factors such as ecomonic, social state sanctioned and structural that are erased, hidden and conveniently remain unaddressed (unstated, un deconstructed, unacknowledged and mostimportantly merely disturbed but not transformed in any meaningful way ) as people/bodies are constructed as criminals. Its not bloody fucking new.

but it is in my humble opinion misguided to say the least, to think or suggest that yahoozee which happens to be the prominent and solidly grounded rationale that i have been encountering everywhere of recent is RESISTANCE/transformation.

Why?

its too fucking simple and too easy…

first of all. important notes that guide/ground my logic: i think i read someone (buttigieg, A.J in teaching english and developing a critical knowledge of the global) reference Fanon to saying something like it is worse when one thinks that they are seperate/distanced from the master and therfore are hindering themselves from thier position so that they may understand how it is that they are being mastered so that they may find a way to begin to master the master and it is in this conflict,process, chaotic place of contradiction between agency and power/domination /oppressed notice those nasty boundaries become inefficient/not enough that transformation and resistance may and historically has occurred.

anyways how does yahoozee contribute to the capitalist global order and why isn’t enough: well for starters it is a rupture in imperialistic/colonial economic relations as it points clearly to the gaps in a meritocratic ideology used to maintain and legitimize oppression and inequality, after nigeria jagga jagga and everything scatter scatter, but it stops there. there is no disruption of the global capital order instead it reinforces it powerfully, and this time of course it is no longer simple/sufficent to blame the white man and deny agency, they get to claim “innocent” victim as they are the ones taken advantage of, as that pesky white mans burden rears it head and load once again. Below are clips from ABC news

• it is african (racialized, savage, inhuman, unethical and STUPID) body that starts to look monstrous as they “take” (which granted is rupture as it attempts to disrupt the economic flow of capital BUT NOT RESOURCES/CONTROL OF PRODUCTION) from thier victims.
• conspicuous consumption and spending primarily of western symbols of wealth and culture (dollars, bling, hummer) eurocentric consumerism is FULLY embraced and therefore the capital is returned to the western economy ANYWAYS.
• there is no “strategy” it is not meant to be resistance, nor in most cases is not meant fund say aids research and address the new pharmacological control of africa, food production, NO (if i am wrong please inform me)
• Emphasis on self empowerment, through indegenous culture/education is all but completely absent except in maybe lace purchases/real estate such that SUCCESS and efficient rupture/supposed resistance is completely located in a monetary nexus: CASH, DOLLARS to be precise. Capitalism thrives.
• as the support of capitalism and the accumulation of dollars is centralized then the ideology that is mostly responsible for all of this in the first place is reinforced and progated to new upcoming generations. imaginations and alternatives are limitied, out of the question and mostly not considered.
• mostly there is a devaluation of the self (in the face of such huge denial of humanity face with laws meant to do this: immigration laws for example that claim to be multicultural and yet refuse, reject the accrediation of professional lured from thier indigenous lands into exile to serve as the surplus CHEAP labour in colonizing western economies) who will drive the mofo taxicabs, clean houses and provide childcare for the white middle class while they live the quality and kind of life with organic food, soy milk and mac computers that they killed entire nations for.
• and even then with the system, is yahoozee a quantifiable, ‘legally’ marketable and employable skill? can you really put it on the resume since we’ve fully embraced a global capital order.

• one must not forget the way that it affects masculinity, as it produces highly, i repeat highly insecure men who want to prove how macho they are with how much money they have and are consequently more assholish, and uninteresting and expect to get whatever they want because of the money and complain that they can never find a woman who really likes/love them without the money when the money was all that was offered, shoved down her throat to begin with, when masculinity and patriachial relations are reinforced and poverty is feminized, what happens: women get raped and abused and dehumanized.

and so i conclude by noting that not only does it reinforce global capital order mostly everyday is for the thief and one day is for the owner: you ass will get caught, one day one day. the system of prison and incarceration as a means of control, monitioring and legitimizing the domination of racially stereotyped bodies is another story for another day.

so yeah, where if i had the opportunity i may very well consider it, not do i judge, nor do i not date yahoozeeites but i in no way delude myself to think that yahoozee is part of a larger network of radical resistance….does it present such possibilities capital YES.

this wonderfull idea of being “centre”

I think that in my life, the most influential theoretical idea that i continue to attempt to practise, they say practise makes perfect is one of being centre: This has been/should have been the disability movements response to the social model and it pretty much has been with varying success in terms of practise but it really is changing my life and has guided/mis guided most of my decisions in the last couple of years  especially when i remember.

This weekend i put out an anonymous as a black, BBW on her period looking for “casual sex”  and problem of being horny, not feeling sexy, going clubing to find someone etc: DONE. I got so many replies and i am happy to say that my stable of dicks to service/for servicing has been replenished to the fullest and theses are men that usually have thing for what i am so no need to worry about fatphobia at least not in the ways that one would expect.

The first guy was very very lean but was sensual and downright pleasant to be around, and wanted to chill and hangout FOREVER.  All in all it was a healthy, mature , sexual experience for me: which is really all i was looking for.

I’m still working on the female side of things but noone seems to be responding on that front,  we’ll see

to be continued….

Anarchy + Anti-oppression….the new hype? theoretically speaking of course

Allright so i am not sure where i want to go with this but i was reading trioullot and cesaire and others for my class on globalization and equality..I’m usually bored of the fragmentation and discipline limited discourse (be it disability, postcolonial, diaspora, women studies, african studies) in general that do not directly address power relation and domination, the way that they play out in our personal lives and how that feeds into the good old matrix of domination.

I mean if you’re going to talk about the evils of essentialization (while participating the maintenance and discursive creation of another category/singular unit) because of the segregation and fragmentation (we all know that attempts to include are futile? because they create an inherent hierarchy as one unit/identity/group are already established as excluded and outside: by definition ) and therefore come with very expensive blindspots that it produces that further results in simply a replacement and reproduction of hierarchy. Then doesn’t that render all “fragment/disciplines” limited as in very very limited in terms of being applicable and also in terms of affecting real change…they can only go far to offfer an understanding of our present state(s). Not only that but theoretically are in collusion with the discursive western status quo of white supremacy, as in they are therefore, by their very definition, theoretically speaking of course not that much of threat.

And then steps in the idea of intentional multiplicity in terms of discursive anarchy and then in a political, social, moral, economic and everything else way. Why because it would represent things the way that they actually are including the contradictions as a result oif the process that created them and would neccessitate unpacking these processes/contradictions instead of naming and all that other “identity politics”..no diss. i often rely on indentity politics and it has offered me a certain space to claim a certain victim to oppressor/victim to the empowered place and in useful for negotiating in the real dominated matrix world but it can only take me so far..it has only taken me so far.

Maybe an anarchist approach to anti-oppression and empowerment and self agency as resistance-because the personal is political would result in a situation where we are freed and can meaningfully move from the victimized status without having to erase and give up on the injustice and the spaces to demand change. People always say you need to move out of the victim stance but from experience i know that the victim stance does serve a purpose for the victim: it points out that there is something SEVERELY wrong and is a forcefull sdemand for change. I have always thought of it as just another of them tricks of domination to get you to try and claim agency: read work harder and harder, to try and convince us to change our minds and offer you more power which is what it usually is. The other thing is notice how it is usually that label you as doing victim, usually those that you may be accusing of “victimizing ” that are usually the first to tell you to pucker up and claim your fucking power and mutherfucking agency.

But for real is this the missing piece for me..is this what i haven’t gotten on how really change, may be possible as in is actually imaginable because the more i think about it..i’m like yes talk off anti-oppression is all well and good but theoretically speaking i have not done anything that attempts to deconstruct hierarchy..guess i cant expect to be taught that at my little ivory tower but for real is that the missing piece? Cos think about it…how you really be anti-oppression without being anti-authoritarian or hierarchy and so on and so forth.

Anyways i’m glad i got something from hitting the books today….i’ma go away and chew on that..theoretically of course

Just ask fela: “Animal wan dash us human rights..”