I think it is time to tell the stories that i have held onto, made into my sacred cows, that my mind goes back to OVER AND OVER AND OVER again…is at the center underneath it all. It is me. My hope is that i will not only acknowledge and honour my life, what i have lived through but that i can out into practise what i theoretically believe and that is to say that i survived, there is grace, beauty, fight, greatness in my efforts that exists/existed alongside the “horror” (At the present moment i just re-read Conrad’s Heart of Darkness and where it is indeed a racist, imperialist construction of race and the african…i am also interested in its meaning for resistance to ableism and the constructions of modern? day monsters…for isnt that the “horror” indeed that we ARE all monsters)

In anycase, i can/will theorize all of this all day instead of write what actually fucking happened.

I intend to offer my personal accounts of the numerous times that i was abused. To date there are several

Namely:

• Oka (Age three)
• Okwudili and Chioma (5?)
• CHi Alone
• Chi and lister
• Ete
• Uncle O
• c london
• The Armed Robbers
• Uto

According to my present  counsellor: it is  a very real possibility that i create/contribute/constantly put myself in a situation where i can recreate situation that will allow me to express ANGER. These are situations where my health and safety are compromised and i have a right to be angry – she’s talking about the most recent instances where i found myself struggling to defend myself from being raped/taken advantage off in one way or another…i think she might be right but i also take it with a grain of salt because we live in a patriachial and ableist world where men tend to feel like they should be rewarded for chilling with me or are assured and even more entitled and feeling like they’ll definitely get some cos they are dealing with me as in of course i will drop it and i’m like oh you are SOOOO fucking mistaken and if you are going to get some it will be totally on my own terms  

these experiences include

• teffrey
• mickey
• aben
• ex hubby : we have/had strange boundary crossing sexual encounters – no safe word, fucking stupid me i know!!!!